A Wild Ride: Our Blog

We're working on a new format for our blog -- one that allows more interaction with our readers and fellow parents on this wild ride called parenting.

In the meantime, check out our website.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:33 AM in | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Would you recommend sending a highly functional, developmentally delayed kid to a regular summer camp? Erica says "Yes. Under certain conditions":

1. Secure an open communication channel: There is a standing policy at this camp of no communication with the parents once the kids board the bus until they get off the bus eight days later. The directors made an upfront and deliberate exception for Jordan. I was given an open invitation to call anytime I needed.

2. Don't panic: However, I wanted Jordan to have the full camp experience without my paranoia interfering. I sent one text message to one of the camp leaders after she'd been gone one day. The positive response calmed me for about 48 hours. Then, I got a surprise SMS from the leader about how well Jordan was doing and what a great camper she was. That's all I needed to know. I cancelled my developing flight plans to Missouri to pick her up. Half-kidding.

3. Be over-prepared: I'd followed the camp directions meticulously for packing both children and preparing them for a week away from home. The camp felt they needed separate bottles of chewable Pepto-Bismol? Fine, two bottles of Pepto-Bismol, one for each bag. Clothes marked with each day of the week folded in individual Ziplocs? Whatever and okay. I was ready to pick up Jordan if needed, prepared to make her typical needs brother to tough it out if needed.

They made it home in one piece, and I'm counting down to next year. Especially for Jordan who got the most out of the experience. I'm glad I let her have it.

Erica Mullenix is a writer, special needs parent and an A Wild Ride contributing author who lives in Texas with her three children and Lab mix pound puppy. She blogs daily at freefringes.com and tweets as @hmx5.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:29 AM in Summer Planning | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The path to Nirvana leads oddly enough to Branson, Missouri by Erica Mullenix

The plan this summer was to send my two older children to separate summer camps: my typical kid to typical summer camp and my special needs kid to a one-on-one Nirvana on a sparkling northern California lake. Of the two camps, the typical kid camp was far more organized and receptive to my thousand questions. My eight-year-old had never been away from me for more than three days, and had never been away from family at all. When a friend suggested he join her two boys for eight days in Missouri, the second thing I did after having a heart attack was to arrange a meeting with the two families. Jordan, my special needs kid tagged along, dazzling the other family's boys with her iPhone and other beeping toys she keeps with her at all times.

The California Nirvana? Couldn't return a phone call even as my messages got more desperate. All I needed was the exact location so I could start arranging Jordan's transportation. I wasn't going to drive from Texas to California, but I was willing to put Jordan unattended on a plane. I just needed to know where to send her once she landed. I know. Tough questions. By the time I'd gotten the camp director to answer the phone with 1000 reasons for why she'd never called me back, I'd decided to keep Jordan home with me for the summer because that is what I do. Keep Jordan close. Our plan was to shop for her first day of high school, get massages, get our toes painted, ship her brothers off: one to camp, the other to Daddy's. That was the plan until I got depressed thinking that I never have any time to myself and, by God, if I didn't get this 15-year-old off my lap this summer, it might not ever happen.

So I called one of the organizers of the typical kids camp and asked if she had room for Jordan. And that was that.

Well, not really that. I got talked off many ledges in the weeks leading up to camp. Jordan has been in some form of therapy since she was 11 weeks old, and she is far more comfortable in the company of adults than she is with kids her own age. Her primary listeners have always been teachers and therapists, and her peers very often don't know what to make of her physical and mental delays. She tires of explaining herself to people, and it's easier to talk to those already in the know who don't judge her. And here I was putting her on a 12-hour bus ride with a bus full of teenagers, her brother riding with his own group on another charter.

It was a rough week. For Mommy only.

She's back from camp, she did great, she wants to go again next year. Yeah, she hung out with her counselors and none of the girls from her cabin. She sat on the bus alone going and coming back because she wanted to listen to her iPod and sleep by herself and not worry about trying to make rapid-fire conversation with the other girls. She made it easy for herself, she adapted as usual and has talked my ear off about the trip every day since she's been back.

I like how it was an extreme sports camp, so if it rained, the activities didn't stop. She was caught in a downpour while on an obstacle course and, to encouragement and cheers, finished the course. She read books during FOB (flat-on-back time, heh) and, even though people with one-sided weaknesses tend to fatigue easily, rested only when the others did. She has come home courteous and respectful, as has her brother. I'm not sure who these aliens are living in my house, but they can stay as long as they like.

Erica Mullenix is a writer and special needs parent living in Texas with her three children and Lab mix pound puppy who blogs daily at freefringes.com and tweets as @hmx5. Her previous articles for A Wild Ride can be found here and here.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:57 AM in Strategies , Summer Planning | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When traveling by car, consider these tips:

• Take breaks; stop every one-to-two hours to run around.
• Take a picnic lunch.
• Bring balls to throw and kick at a rest stop.
• Play a few games - who can find a four-leaf clover in the grass?

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:25 PM in Strategies , Summer Planning | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Planning for a family reunion or visiting with friends

If you have young children, are staying overnight, and your child's coping skills might be tested, you may talk to your family/friends about coping strategies that work for your child.

•Remind them that your child is learning to adapt to new situations. If they can respectfully allow him to practice; e.g., learning about personal boundaries, handling his feelings, or dealing with transitions, etc) it will give him the skills he needs to be successful.

•You may want to keep the interactions short and successful rather than long and dreadful. Example: If Sally is beginning to argue with her cousins after spending the last 3 hours playing nicely, it probably is time to leave.

•Watch for signs of over stimulation in your child. Plan an exit strategy before you arrive in case the situation is just too overwhelming.

•Hopefully, older children will be more capable of managing their temperament and handling more challenging situations.

•Remember, your child will, over time, mature!

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:35 PM in Summer Planning | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Traveling with challenging children is no picnic. Many of our children spiral out of control at the thought of any change in routine. If you are planning a trip out of town, consider these ideas from one of my co-author's Mary Scribner:

Show your child pictures of where you'll be staying and who you'll be staying with. Talk about the things you'll do and see.

Check out library books that describe the new places you'll be seeing. Include children's books on traveling by plane, train, etc.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:57 AM in Summer Planning | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Making summer as good as it can be

Planning ahead and feeling prepared is one way to deal with the fear of uncertainty. Everyone will feel better knowing what's to come. You'll probably have a better chance of success if you consider your child's strengths, interests, and behavioral limitations. Then develop your summer plans around that. Build in flexibility as much as you can, so on your child's "off" days you'll be able to change direction without too much stress.

Here are some ideas and strategies to consider as you prepare for summer.

• Your child may have difficulty differentiating your stress from his own. If you are worried or fearful about summer, your child may be also. Address your own stress.
• Consider "thinking" of this time as another adventure on your parenting journey.
• Breathe deeply when thinking about summer increases your blood pressure.
• Shift your thinking from dreading to enjoying. Why not!? I'm not being condescending or trite here. You really can change your outlook and free your mind up to more fully explore your summer options in a creative way.
• Nurture yourself for a change.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:45 AM in Strategies , Summer Planning | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Are My Expectations Reasonable?

Do you act with a sense of pity on your child and expect little from him or her? If your expectations are low, he/she may be at risk for poor behavior and poor socialization and not fully developing her potential. Make sure your child understands your rules of conduct so she can learn to make healthy choices. Communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and model this yourself. Be consistent with your words and actions.

If you haven't been saying "no" and enforcing your standards, you can expect resistance and a negative reaction from your child when you start saying, "stop." Remember, even though painful at first, these lessons are building blocks in forming healthy relationships.

Don't let guilt overcome you and change your course of action when your intense child screams and cries louder as you enforce your standards. Know that you are teaching her to manage her strong emotions and she will learn to make this standard her own over time.

Your job is to help your child adapt, overcome challenges and thrive. Know what she is capable of, give her a lot of encouragement and opportunity to try new things, praise her for effort, and celebrate her strengths. Learn to pace yourself. Examine your own feelings and manage them so they don't interfere with your child rearing. Take care of yourself the very best you can.

Write to Mary and share your stories and ideas of how you deal with guilt and other challenges of parenting.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:13 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

We've posted Step Six in our Twelve Step Parenting Process:

I acknowledge that blame and guilt are unhealthy.

So here's a question for you: Is all guilt negative?

If your feelings of guilt have spurred you on to heroic actions in meeting your child's needs, that is great. But be careful that the underlying feelings motivating you are not placing you at risk of burnout.

Check in with yourself and make sure you are dealing with your own personal issues as they arise during your mothering experience. Don't allow your emotions to push you over the edge and cause you to say and do things that disconnect you from your child.

If you feel burdened and fatigued by the constant supervision required of you, it's time to take stock and find resources to help you. Research your area for a support group, look on line, call your local hospital, or ask your doctor. Put a notice up on your local community bulletin board inviting other moms to meet with you at a coffee shop.

Is your marriage strained? Do you feel like it is on shaky ground? If you are constantly at odds with your partner and trying to balance his/her opposite approach to your parenting it could be a pathway to burnout or conflict within the marriage. Your children need consistent messages in order to thrive. Consider counseling or parent coaching to get back on track.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:33 PM in 12 Step Parenting Process | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Does your child have a button-pushing behavior that drives you absolutely insane?

Try this:

• Write down the behavior, your feelings and how you usually react.


• What are your assumptions about your child when you see this behavior?


• Describe the assumptions about yourself.


• Then write down what you can say to yourself to change your assumption to be more accurate.


• How does that feel?

My son is resistant and stubborn about everything. I feel angry and afraid.

I often react by withdrawing or getting angry with him.

My assumptions about my son is that he is inflexible and can't take no for an answer. He will have difficulty holding down a job or having healthy relationships.

My assumptions about myself are that I cannot influence him in healthy ways to change. I choose to tell myself that my son is a person who knows his limits well and can stand up for himself.

We connect when I listen to him with respect. I feel much calmer and in control of my own emotions. I feel closer to my son and have more self-confidence.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:55 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here are some great tips to get you started from the fabulous book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons, And What You Can Do About It by Bonnie Harris.

So get out your journal, start writing and growing into the parent you want to be.

1. First write down your child's typical behaviors that push your buttons, what your automatic reactions are, range (mild to boiling over), and your reaction to your child.
2. Write down a situation (you were trying to get somewhere or do something), what your child's reaction was that pushed your button, what your reaction was and what your child's agenda was.

Posted by Elizabeth at 12:56 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Just knowing what triggers your anger is first step in controlling it!

Do you ever feel like there are days (weeks or even months!) when you are a walking target? When your child's behavior is aimed directly at something deep inside you it causes a strong reaction of feelings ranging from mild annoyance to catapulting you instantly into blaming, out-of-control anger.

You are not alone. We all experience getting our buttons pushed by our children. Often we hate the way we react but don't know how to stop ourselves in the heat of the moment when we're seeing RED.

We all want to connect with the children we love, not be reactive, yell or withdraw.

Becoming aware of your target zones (or triggers) is the first step in responding consciously. We can learn to take responsibility for our own emotions and reactions and stop the reactivity that is derailing our best intentions.

What are your triggers and how do you avoid and/or control them? We want to hear from you and will post your answer and link to your site. Email today. Operators standing by.

Posted by Elizabeth at 12:52 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Nurturing Ourselves for a Change

The month of May is a good time to reflect and evaluate our role as mothers. We know very well how vigilant we can be while nurturing others, especially our challenging children. Why are we not as dedicated to ourselves? What would you suggest to a stressed girlfriend to help her lighten up and feel better? How about encouraging her to focus, for a change, on what she can do for herself. And for yourself, don't wait for a crisis to hit. Begin taking better care of yourself today! Here are a few self-care suggestions:

• Start small. Set aside even 10 minutes a day to do something that you love doing.

• Build a strong support network of reliable resources - friends, family, co- workers, spouses, babysitters, social networks. Consider joining a support group, or create one.

• Notice when you feel irritable or judgmental or find yourself complaining a lot. These are red flags alerting you to the fact that you are producing way too much cortizol (stress hormones).

• Appreciate your accomplishments, even the small ones. Give yourself a pat on the back when you remember to breathe instead of snapping at your child or grinding your teeth.

Whether you are just beginning to practice self-nurturing, or are an old hand at it, remember these three operative affirmations when guilt, fatigue or "I just don't have time" set in and doing something for you seems out of the question:

• I deserve to appreciate and take care of myself.

• My family deserves to have me take care of myself.

• When I feel refreshed, I am happier and a more patient, less frustrated mom.

For more self-care ideas, visit Strategies.

Look forward to how good you're going to feel - Mary

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:02 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As moms we tend to place our health needs dead last (pun intended). But there are many reasons why this is a BAD idea:

1. Who will take care of our families if we're too sick to do so?
2. What kind of behavior are we modeling for our children?
3. Does our lack of self-care come across as martyrdom?

• Getting at least 2 hours and 30 minutes of moderate physical activity, 1 hour and 15 minutes of vigorous physical activity, or a combination of both each week
• Eating a nutritious diet
• Visiting a health care professional to receive regular checkups and preventive screenings
• Avoiding risky behaviors, such as smoking and not wearing a seatbelt
• Paying attention to mental health, including getting enough sleep and managing stress

To learn more about National Women's Health Week, visit www.womenshealth.gov.

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:29 PM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Forced to Lie About My Age

I don't color my hair. Have never done Botox. I do tweeze the gray from my eyebrows and my chin, and, as the mother of two sons, I've earned every line on my face. When I remember where I last put them, I wear reading glasses. I hold the distinction of being the oldest member in a mothers book club - by a number of years. Most of the other women were children of the '70s. I did more in the '70s than just grow up.

Visit Motherhood Later...Than Sooner to read the full essay.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:40 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Flowers for forgotten moms!

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:57 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When Mother's Day Hurts

Mother's Day is not always a joyous time, especially for mothers of challenging children whose special needs and narcissistic behavior can spoil even a cup of tea.

Some time ago I came across an article titled Helping Moms Cope When Mother's Day Hurts geared to acknowledging grieving mothers. (Unfortunately that article by Renee Wood of Comfort Connection is no longer available on the Web.)

Renee's "ten simple ways to reach out to a grieving mother" applies to mothers of challenging children as well. Many of these mothers will not even hear the phrase "Happy Mother's Day, Mom!" let alone hear words of acknowledgment or appreciation.

So, with a nod of thanks to Renee at The Comfort Connection, I adapt some of her suggestions.

1. Recognize that you are a mother, but acknowledge that you too have suffered a loss - a loss of the dream.

2. Buy a flower -- put it in a vase in your bedroom.

3. Light a candle and sit still for a while. Mediate or just enjoy the silence.

4. Don't try to minimize the loss of the dream.

5. Practice self-care. Take time for you. Schedule a massage. Go for a walk.

6. Chill a bottle of bubbly (champagne or sparkling cider). On Mother's Day, grab a book, the newspaper, a magazine, and pour your bubbly into a special glass, sit back & relax (even if it's only long enough to down a glass or two.)

7. Send a card to another mother of a challenging child - a mom who is also unlikely to receive a note of thanks from her own child. My personal favorite this year is:
"Cheers! It's Mother's Day....Not traditionally a drinking holiday, but why the hell not, I say!"

To all my fellow mothers in the world, those with typical children, those with challenging children, and those grieving the death of a child, I send you the wish of comfort when times are hard and understanding when you've had enough. I hope you wish the same for me.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:17 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day

May 6, 2010, is devoted to increasing awareness of the importance of positive mental health on a child's healthy development.

Learn more.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:23 AM in News and Research | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Friendship for School-aged Children -- Summary

During this learning phase (which can indeed feel endless), remind your child of positive friendships he has had in the past and has now. Help him understand what makes those friendships so nice for all the children involved. Reinforce his contribution to making them work.

Learning how to be a good friend and positively and collaboratively interact with others is a lifelong process. The more positive reinforcement you can give your child now, the better!

Send your friendship stories and strategies to Mary Scribner. Our readers love hearing from one another.

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:39 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Friendship for School-aged Children -- continued

Here are two more ways to help your child make friends and build friendships:

• Pretend you are another child and role play conversations with your child. Help them with greetings and looking for cues for common ground, like favorite books, sports, dancing lessons, hiking. Show them how these common interests can spark conversations.
• Role play positive social skills such as, not interrupting, asking questions, and showing interest by mentioning things that they have talked about before, and making eye contact.

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:57 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)