New Beginnings (by Nina)
January 1st is a tempting time to create resolutions for the New Year – some new beginnings. Lose weight, don’t take any more guff from our boss, read more, demand more help in the kitchen. Personally, my dedication to the concept of change is sincere, but the timing is artificially created by the calendar.
Actually, we can create new beginnings anytime we want. Our children certainly do! And those new beginnings can be bittersweet. The exciting first steps a baby takes are the beginning of walking (and the end of leaving her alone for more than a millisecond). Kindergarten is an amazing new beginning (but you realize you don’t have a baby anymore).
Sometimes our children’s new beginnings are tinged with inevitable, small failures. And that’s okay; there are few lessons to learn if they achieve perfection right out of the starting gate. But for challenging children, some steps forward are even more tenuous. Your highly anxious child calmly rides out a stressful week (your heat soars with hopefulness), then plummets into a frenzy over something minor (you sigh with disappointment). Your oppositional child has a short run of cooperation, but returns to banging full throttle against your amazing patience. Your teenager goes through six weeks of rehab, stays clean for three months, then starts hanging out with old friends and suffers a relapse. Same parenting experience, up and down, up and down.
As composer Paul Simon sings, “These are the days of miracle and wonder….” For moms of challenging children, these are also the days of constant uncertainty. A rollercoaster ride of embracing those hoped-for steps forward, then experiencing disappointment when things unravel. A grasp for lasting change turns into a rough landing on the landscape of your child’s volatile life.
So where’s the UP side of all of this?
Well, just knowing that new beginnings with challenging kids are fragile can help you understand that some setbacks are inevitable. Consider the following as small steps toward feeling okay with this crazy ride:
• Take note of the gains your child makes, no matter how small or large, short-lived or long lasting. Be thrilled; pat your child on the back.
• Understand that sustainable change develops slowly. Sometimes really slowly.
• Adjust your expectations to what is reasonable for your child. Develop a yardstick that measures true new beginnings for him, not the kids next door.
• Focus on “your” new beginnings, whether they begin on January 1st, grow out of a therapy or support group session, or just unexpectedly land in your lap.
Don’t overlook the lessons of loss
Even though new beginnings are often created by or come with loss, snuggled inside those losses are valuable lessons. So when you open the door to a new beginning, don’t forget to turn around and look at the door you just closed. There’s a message for you taped to the doorknob!
Have a wonderful New Year, Nina
