How to instill in kids that violence is not OK
The influence of the media on our children is A Wild Ride's focus this month. On the Blog, we previously discussed the role media plays in affecting a girl's body image and potentially contributing to eating disorders. We also commented on how food advertising contributes to our ever-increasing obsesity problem.
In today's Blog, we switch our attention to children and violence. Jan Faull, the parenting columunist at the Seattle Times and a specialist in child development and behavior, allowed us to reprint her January 17, 2007 column.
For more of Jan's columns, visit http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/parenting/.
Q: My girls are 2 and 5 years old. Our family has rules about respectful treatment of people, which includes not hitting or pushing.
They're not allowed toys used to "shoot" people. Yet many movies and TV shows use violence as entertainment. We allow our kids very little screen time, none of it commercial, but when our oldest goes to friends' houses, she sometimes comes home with tales of watching animated action movies and playing with swords and guns. I know I can't isolate my children, but I want them to learn that violence in movies, intended for entertainment, is not OK in real life. How can I achieve my goals?
A: There's no quick response that will instantly lead your children to grasp your values.
You know you can't keep your children protected from exposure to violence in our society, real or pretend, and you want your children to develop into people who are not violent. Most likely, you also don't want them to become blasé to violence, either, which often occurs when people watch too much violence on TV or in movies.
It's important to understand that the imaginative play of children with guns and swords is far different from real-life stabbings and shootings. Such play, as all play, reflects the culture in which children live. You'll have many opportunities to teach your children that shooting and hurting people for real is not OK.
Start with stopping them from pushing and hitting others. In time, they'll learn the difference between fantasy and reality and develop self-control (which will stop them from hurting others) and a conscience (which tells them that doing so is wrong).
It's not unusual for children under age 5 to occasionally push or hit one another. Most children learn quickly that physical aggression is unacceptable behavior. Also keep in perspective that while ours is a culture where many own guns and where violence is part of entertainment, the likelihood is minimal that either of your children will use guns to solve problems.
You need to speak to your children about your values. When your child comes home with information about a movie she's seen that involved guns or swords, offer your opinion: "I don't like movies where people fight with swords." Or you can say, "In movies, shooting is pretend; in real life, shooting people with guns is dangerous, and sometimes people die." If you watch a violent show with your children, be sure to talk about what you are seeing, offering your perspective and inserting your values.
When young children pretend to shoot another, it usually doesn't mean they want that person dead. Children don't understand the permanence of death until about age 10; therefore, gun play is usually about zapping a person, pretending to make the person disappear. Even so, you can have rules about gun play: outside only, no pretend shooting of another person, no toy guns allowed (giving tacit approval for children to use their index finger). Resist banning gun play all together, as doing so only sends such play underground, where children zap each other behind their parents' backs.
It will take years for your children to grasp your values regarding respectful treatment of people. Be low-key yet intentional in your approach. Also realize that you exert the most influence in this regard when your children are between the ages of 6 and 12 years old.
For further reading: "We Don't Play with Guns Here: War, Weapon and Superhero Play in the Early Years," by Penny Holland. (Open University Press. $35.95).
Jan Faull answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
Copyright © 2007 The Seattle Times Company
