A Wild Ride: Our Blog

In order to observe Father's Day, we moved the final installment in the Down & Out series to Thursday, June 21.

Father's Day, summertime and letting go a little

I loved my dad. He was a complex, caring, smart, sometimes depressed man. I think of him often, particularly around Father's Day, which has just come and gone.

Leading up to Father's Day, those ties, t-shirts, barbecues, lawnmowers and cufflinks shine on store counters and floors everywhere, whispering, "Pick me. Buy me. Do it for dear old Dad. He'll love it!" When the day arrives, Dad sits up grinning, eagerly awaiting breakfast in bed, even if the pancakes smell burnt.

Okay, back in the real world, Father's Day is a difficult day for some. Many grown sons and daughters don't have fond "dad" memories to look back on. And kids today often find the day painfully disappointing. A child sits poised with anticipation, waiting for an unreliable dad to show up. Hours later, with no dad in sight, he goes to his room, shuts the door, and stares at the ceiling. Maybe he cries or lets go with some angry pitches around the room.

For a child with emotional and behavioral challenges this kind of experience can be devastating. Consider a child with ADHD who has alienated his peers with what they call obnoxious behavior. His self-esteem is about two inches off the ground; persistent daddy disappointment can easily drop him the rest of the way.

This kind of dad, or the totally absent one, who lives too far away – geographically or in his heart – often remains "Super Dad" to his kids. He doesn't send them to their rooms, say no to a slumber party, or make them do their homework. He doesn't yell at them after a long, hard day. Only mom does all those things. She is evil. Dad is heroically perfect.

I don't know the actual statistic, but the divorce rate among parents of physically, mentally, and emotional disabled kids is high. Why? There are probably many reasons, but a biggie must be stress – disagreements, money strains, worry, anger, insufficient time to foster an adult-focused relationship, and everything else that can erode a partnership.

Some children may see their dad quite often, but live in the constant vice of marital and divorce discord. For the child with anxiety or sensory integration problems, this conflict, often accompanied by anger, yelling and put-downs, is awful. Fights and disagreements that have to do with custodial problems, parenting, child support, suck children into a tornado of confusion and guilt. For a child with serious problems, this is overwhelming. And like all children, they are powerless to do anything about it.

All of this creates echoes of chaos and insecurity that children can't outrun and sometimes can't outgrow.

So as Father's Day comes and goes, and the serious business of summer visitations begins, look out for landmines. The non-day-to-day parent often sees this as a time to undo the harm they believe their spouse has accomplished during the year. I knew a dad once who took his son, who had ADHD, off his medication in the summer because he didn't believe medication was necessary or trustworthy. No professional advise, no tapering off, just whack! No more meds. You can imagine what having his brain chemistry suddenly shoved into overdrive did to this child's emotions, behavior, and state of mind.

Other non-custodial parents give in where the full-time parent held a hard line. Their values may be very different. They may see the child's daily life as too strict and smothering. They may indeed be legitimately trying to compensate for ill-advised parenting. And they may be confusing "loving" with purchasing affection and spoiling. No matter the reason, the child who sorely needs routine and consistency, can easily be undone by inconsistencies and have not only a difficult summer but a rocky re-entry into her "regular" life.

So, what's a mom to do? Here are a few ideas: talk with your EX about child rearing issues and values and the importance of consistency. Share examples of how your child responds when you must break routines or spring new information or activities on her. Think about a family session with your child's treatment professional so everyone can get on the same page. Argue out of earshot of your son or daughter. Keep their self-esteem, treatment, needs and vulnerabilities at the forefront of the logistics and decisions you make as co-parents.

And then there's just letting go. Mothers of difficult children spend a great deal of time avoiding crises, meeting their children's expectations, working with teachers and other professionals, and putting Humpty Dumpty together again after instantaneous meltdowns. It is very hard to hand your child over and stop being in "do it, avoid it, fix it" mode. But there is that point where you can't do any more. sThen it's time to let your child go for a while and re-read Mary's advice on self-care and putting yourself first, so you are refreshed when your youngster returns home.