More Answers to Reader's Questions
On June 19th, one of our readers posed some great questions after reading Nina's post titled Dads: Father's Day, summertime and letting go a little:
• What do you do when the non-custodial parent abruptly halts the child's medication?
• What if that parent also spends an entire summer telling your kid that the routines you've worked hard to establish are unnecessary?
Mary Scribner, A Wild Ride author and parent coach, offers this response:
Co-parenting and single parenting have got to be one of the hardest undertakings of any parent. And, when these parents have differing styles and values and maybe some unfinished business, it can be very difficult for all involved, especially the child. If you have been given the authority by the court to make the medical decisions, you can bring the non-custodial parent's actions to the court. If your child's doctor has prescribed medicine for this child and he/she is clearly doing better when he is on it, then I would document this. If you wish to stay out of court, you could ask the child's doctor to send a letter to the parent of the treatment plan and why this medicine may be in the child's best interest.
What is critically clear to me is that your child's well-being comes first. You probably have done everything you can to listen to the non-custodial parents point of view and communicate your child's needs. If that approach has fallen on deaf ears and you don't want to go to court, then you have to do all you can for your child while he is in your care. You will have to work harder to bring routines and structure back into your child's life when he is with you.
To read our first response from a mom who's been through a similar situation, click here.
Comments
Thanks for the validation – and the responses!
Indeed, the final option is the one I settled into. In other words, the option of working (much) harder in order to counteract the changes in routine introduced by the non-custodial parent due to his values and lifestyle.
Going to a court did not help (I did indeed pursue that option): in Washington, decision making is joint by default, and one has to demonstrate direct harm to the child or inability to cooperate in parenting.
That last bit is the catch-22. I *have* to cooperate with what he wants to do, for the benefit of the child. But if I do cooperate, I can’t get sole decision-making.
Keeping him stable and in a safe and predictable structure has been a tremendous challenge and huge resource-drain for my family (myself, my husband, and our younger child). It seems very unfair that the entire burden lies on me – just because the father will not accept that there is any “real” problem. And yet, that is my reality.
An insight from a mental health professional was that the father has projected all his sadness about the boy’s “imperfection” into rage at me, for being the presumed cause of it. If only he would look at the boy and see how very wonderful he is – how very *perfect* he is, how very caring and compassionate and smart and sweet! But he hasn’t gotten there yet. For now, an over the past 15 years since our divorce, everything that has been wrong has been my fault.
Posted by: The original mom | July 5, 2007 12:47 PM