Response from the Reader (Original Mom)
Thanks for the validation – and the responses!
Indeed, the final option is the one I settled into. In other words, the option of working (much) harder in order to counteract the changes in routine introduced by the non-custodial parent due to his values and lifestyle.
Going to a court did not help (I did indeed pursue that option): in Washington, decision making is joint by default, and one has to demonstrate direct harm to the child or inability to cooperate in parenting.
That last bit is the catch-22. I *have* to cooperate with what he wants to do, for the benefit of the child. But if I do cooperate, I can’t get sole decision-making.
Keeping him stable and in a safe and predictable structure has been a tremendous challenge and huge resource-drain for my family (myself, my husband, and our younger child). It seems very unfair that the entire burden lies on me – just because the father will not accept that there is any “real” problem. And yet, that is my reality.
An insight from a mental health professional was that the father has projected all his sadness about the boy’s “imperfection” into rage at me, for being the presumed cause of it. If only he would look at the boy and see how very wonderful he is – how very *perfect* he is, how very caring and compassionate and smart and sweet! But he hasn’t gotten there yet. For now, an over the past 15 years since our divorce, everything that has been wrong has been my fault.
