Summer Expectations (by Elizabeth)
Reminder: For 4th of July strategies when dealing with challenging children, go to Four Hard Things About the Fourth at About.com: Parenting Special Needs.
Summer Expectations
For both my boys, school ended two weeks ago, the official end marked by a semester’s worth of papers strewn across the bedroom floor.
Allowing for some down time, I recognized the need for little structure. But, by the end of the week, I began to see the summer slipping into a constant nag. “Don’t leave dirty clothes on the floor. Don’t watch so much television. Clean up the kitchen. Put away the dishes.”
I know I am fortunate to have a seventeen-year-old son who does what is asked of him – at least by the fourth request. My twelve-year-old son Alexander, on the other hand, hates change. He resists any request that might include a change. When he’s asked to stop playing computer games and empty the dishwasher – he resists the change. When new activities are suggested – even ones I am certain he will enjoy – he resists the change. When asked to come indoors and set the table – he resists the change.
Because his resistance is so strong and unpleasant, I sometimes complete the task myself. I know this strategy is ill-advised and won’t be found in any parenting book, but tell me you’ve never given in! I dare you!
By the end of last week, my annoyance turned into action. I required a clean room before any screen time. This time my threat worked. Could it have been the way I said it – with conviction?
When I inspected Alexander’s room, I noticed he had done a good job, and I only found one book still on the floor. The book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens was wedged between the wall and his desk.
Curious, I opened the book in the middle and read the section “Set Clear Expectations” (page 142). Written for teens, the book offers some suggestions when managing expectations.
“Whenever you get into a new job, relationship, or setting, you’re better off taking the time to lay all expectations out on the table so that everyone is on the same page.”
The book goes on to say that problems arise when “one party assumes one thing and another party assumes something else.”
After reading this line, it hit me. I expect Alexander to play outdoors with his friends, read more, help when asked, participate in some sort of community service project.
What are his expectations for the school vacation? I don’t know. I never asked. My assumption is that the only expectation we share is the one about playing with his friends – but not necessarily outdoors.
In order to keep some sanity in our summer, I will describe my expectations to Alexander tonight after soccer practice. He could then share his with me. We’ll sit down -- I’ll look him in the eye and explain clearly what my expectations are for the summer.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
