Growing Up, Growing Apart by Guest Blogger Kay Whittenhauer
© Emin Ozkan - Fotolia.com
Growing Up, Growing Apart
I tended bar for quite a few years, which meant I listened to other people’s problems for quite a few years. I didn’t mind, though. I’m a people person at heart and I actually enjoyed the camaraderie that my work atmosphere provided. I would oftentimes get unsolicited parenting advice from my customers, which I appreciated. It’s good to connect with people who have “been there, done that”. But most of the time they would tell me their problems.
A recurrent theme to parenting problems seemed to be that kids got to an age where they didn’t want to be around their parents anymore. As the parent of a toddler, I would tell them that that was normal. They’re establishing their independence. You don’t want a teen that clings to you, do you? Clinging wouldn’t be normal. I was young enough, at that time, to remember having gone through it myself.
I can remember wanting to completely disassociate myself with my mother. I had my own friends, my own interests, and my own opinions. I didn’t want my mother hovering around; putting in her two-cents worth; and worst of all, being a reflection on me! I was my own person and I needed my space. I also needed to have my laundry done, my meals prepared, and the house cleaned. Oh yeah, some money, unlimited use of the phone, and a few rides; but that was beside the point.
So, the rational side of me knows that this is a rite of passage in our culture. But now that it’s happening to me, I’m absolutely heart-broken.
It started with my son planning to have friends over, as he had a thousand times before. I asked him what they were going to do, and he told me. Then he added that I might want to go to my room and watch TV while they were here. My eyes bugged out a little, but I took it in stride. He’s growing up. He wants to be with his friends alone. It was actually kind of cute, in a way, so I was OK with it.
Fast-forward a year. Now he’s twelve. He NEVER wants me around his friends, unless it’s to get snacks for the guys, watch them in the pool, or build a campfire in the backyard. Otherwise, it’s “See ya later, Mom!” The behavior’s not cute anymore, it’s sad. I feel bad for telling my customers that it’s normal. I didn’t realize how empty it can make a parent feel.
There are times, though, when we’re alone and he does talk to me. Too many times the talks are about what he wants me to buy him, but sometimes we have nice talks. Sometimes he tells me what they did, and I see the delight in his eyes. Last week all the boys came racing up the driveway on their bikes to show me a turtle that they had found. It warmed my heart. But just as quickly as they came, they left. They had to go show Jonathon’s father.
I love the times when he’s happy to be around me. One morning at breakfast, my son told me that he had had a really weird dream the night before. I was pleased that he was sharing with me. I’m really into dream analysis and I believe that our dreams hold great significance in our lives.
“What happened in the dream?” I asked.
“We were all downtown in the car,” he told me.
“Who’s 'we'?"
“Me, Nate, Jonathon. We were stopped at a stop light and a cow wanted to get in the car.”
“A cow?”
“Yeah, a cow.”
“Were you scared of it?”
“No, it was just there. Then we went to your work and the cow followed us. It kept ringing the doorbell.”
“Did you let it in?”
“No. It was just weird that a cow was hanging around us.”
“Hmm,” I told him. “I don’t know what a cow means. I’m going to look it up.”
So I looked it up in my dream book (a much-cherished gift that my son picked out for my birthday a few years ago). It turns out that a cow symbolizes “The eternal feminine, especially the mother, or mother figure. This is partly because it provides milk and nourishment.” Oh my god, I’m the cow! You think it’s weird that I’m hanging around all the time. Ouch.
We often learn life’s lessons the hard way. In this case, I think the powers-that-be tried to break it to me gently. It doesn’t make it any easier, it just makes it that much harder to deny.
About Kay: If you ask Kay to describe herself, the first word that pops into her head is "mother". Perhaps "full-time mother/part-time office administrator/aspiring writer" is the best way to describe her. Kay earned a bachelors degree in advertising (1989), and aspired to be a copywriter. But with no job offers and bills to pay, Kay's life took another route.
Aside from raising her son, she is currently employed at her church. She is active in PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) and her son's Boy Scout troop. She turned 40 this year and decided to give writing another try. Her first step was to become a content producer on www.associatedcontent.com.
