New Year-New Friends by Karen Alaniz
New Year-New Friends
Before you have a chance to ask, “How was your day?” your child bombards you with a description of his new friend, barely slowing down to take a breath. “He just moved here.” He says. “We sit right next to each other in class and we played together at every recess. He lives a few blocks away. Can he come over to play on Saturday?”
It’s that last sentence that sends a chill down your spine and dread to your soul. To most parents, this would be just another grade-school experience. But for the parent of a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) it is something more.
Your child may have difficulty making and keeping friends for a variety of reasons. He may be too controlling, wanting his friend to only do what he wants, or perhaps he is aggressive or unable to focus, bouncing from one activity to another. While many parents have other children over to play without even thinking, the same is not true when you have a child with ADHD.
So take a deep breath, say “yes” to your little bundle of energy and make a plan for success. Children with challenges benefit from a parent who takes control. With a little planning, your child’s play-date will be enjoyable for everyone involved-including you. The following are some ways you can ensure that your little one has friendships to last the school year and beyond.
Where to Meet
You know your child best. Assess where you believe he will have the most success. Is he more anxious at others homes? Then set up a play date on his home-turf. Does he have a very hard time sharing her toys? Then set up the first play-date at the other child’s house. Is he bubbling over with energy? Then choose a place where he can run, jump and climb, such as a park or a children’s museum. The place you choose sets the stage for what will happen there.
When to Meet
Time of day is another important thing to consider. If your child is full of energy in the mornings but more subdued in the afternoons, meet in the afternoon. If your child’s ability to cope is influenced by their medication, arrange for the play-date to take place at the optimum time.
Talk it out
Before his friend arrives, talk through what it will be like. Talk about what your expectations are and give him a chance to talk about his. Discuss any rules you might have and what will happen if they are broken. When his friend arrives, go over the rules with him as well.
The Play-Date
Keep it short. One hour is plenty of time for the first play-date. It’s always better to leave on a good note than to prolong it and risk having to intervene in a negative way- dragging your child from the scene kicking and screaming. So don’t overdo it the first couple of times. You can always add fifteen minutes to subsequent play-dates. The goal is for both children have fun, and leave happy.
Plan more than one activity. Your child and his friend may be completely absorbed in building with Legos one minute, only to cry in unison, “We’re bored” the next. Be prepared for the inevitable. It’s always better to plan more activities than not enough.
Food-The Great Equalizer
If the kids are getting wound up or they are beginning to get on each other’s nerves, bring out a prepared snack. “Snack time!” announced energetically, is sure to snap them out of their funk. If you meet in a home, bring out pre-cut cheese and crackers. If you are meeting outdoors, bring along snack-sized bags of pretzels and juice boxes.
Teachable Moments
If you’re lucky, there won’t be any conflicts. But, as the parent of a challenging child, luck probably isn’t your strong suit. You can lessen conflicts by being prepared. Unfortunately, this is not the time to sit back with a cup of coffee and a good book. As the parent of a child with ADHD, it is likely that your only time to relax is when your child is asleep.
At the first sign of a conflict, move closer to the children. Listen and watch carefully. Does it sound like they are solving it themselves? If so, let it be. If not, sit down next to them and say something like, “Jimmy looks angry. How do you think we can help him be happy again?” If your child, or the friend can’t come up with a solution, ask simply, “Jimmy, would you be happy if you had a turn playing with that truck?” Set a timer for turn-taking. When the conflict is resolved, move away again. Don’t be too quick to intervene unless it is an issue that your child has had trouble with previously or if safety is an issue.
Time’s Up
Fifteen minutes before junior’s mother is due to arrive, give a warning, “You have fifteen minutes left to play.” That way, both children know that their time is winding down. Remind them that they will be able to get together another time. Five minutes before Mom’s arrival, make the announcement again and steer the children to a calm activity. It is always easier to separate (for both kids) when it’s a less-desirable activity they’re leaving. When Junior’s mom arrives, give the kid’s time to say goodbye and again remind them that they can play together again soon.
De-Briefing
Later, when your child is relaxed, talk about all the things they did right. “I noticed you shared your favorite Army Guy with your friend. That’s what good friends do, they share with each other. You sure are a good friend.” Also talk about the snags, “You had a really hard time when Junior wanted to play on the swingset and you didn’t. You stomped your feet and made a mad face.” But leave off on a positive note. “I bet next time you’ll do better.”
With a little planning, your child’s friendships will grow and blossom. And as time passes, he will be more and more able to handle them on his own. But for now, you can help ensure that the seeds of friendship are planted and cared for.
Karen L. Alaniz is a freelance writer. She has also written a book, Breaking the Code-A Daughter's Journey. When she isn't writing, she is enjoying life with her three children, two cats, one dog and a few visiting birds. Visit Karen's site Write Now.
