A Reader's Comments on Expectations
This year, on the A Wild Ride Web site, our theme is What to Expect When Parenting Isn't What You Expected.
One of our readers had this to say about Expectations.
Elizabeth, I'm not seeing on the blog the consideration that parenting is harder than expected -- because our expectations are unrealistic! Sometimes I think our generation's sense of entitlement has indeed led us to want things to come easily to us. Maybe it's consumerism - or even feminism --that has inadvertently added to this to make us think we can/should have/do it all. All of the above!
Nurturing the skills for our kids to become their best selves is an amorphous, unpredictable process. It takes endless listening, flexibility, hope and maturity on our part. Strong cultural values and support don't really exist, so we're winging it. Sure puts a lot of stress on our frayed and overextended social networks! Ah, for the days when the elders would counsel us and the community would work together to raise the kids in the longhouse.
Nowadays, I think sometimes when we look for balance or "time for ourselves" we start to keep score instead. It might be more helpful to focus instead on the wonder of unconditional love and our capacity for giving. On honesty and trust in our relationships, and learning to identify and ask for the help we need. On forgiveness (ourselves, our spouses, parents, and kids) comfort (soup, chocolate, baths), and "the big picture" (spring is coming!) to see our way to real balance.
Over the holidays we spent time with my brother's family. Both he and his wife have dedicated but not high-paying careers (he's a craftsman contractor; she's a high school teacher) and they have two darling kids; a one year old daughter and three year old son. It's an intense time for them, with some visible stress evident at the seams. My holiday wish for them (and I can't really tell them but I can tell you!) is that they GIVE UP on some of what they're trying to do. Don't send the cards, do the tree, brine the turkey, go out with friends, keep the house spotless. Turn on the TV, buy a pre-made chicken, let the toys sit out awhile and sleep in with the kids in bed! Know that rules are guidelines, not rigid doctrines, and that as parents the main thing is to maintain your sense of humor.
I also realize it's more about acceptance than giving up...I am so aware right now that the kids grow up dang fast. The less you fight the unpredictability and accept being a mom or dad as a big part of your mission, the happier you are.
