We're Doing Our Best
In my continuous search for stories and strategies to support parents in challenging situations, I occasionally find an excellent resource. When I stumbled upon Patty Wipfler's piece titled We’re Doing Our Best, I realized that I’d found a resource that not only describes the feelings of our misplaced parental expectations but also offers some suggestions.
After reading her piece below, check out Patty's Web site Hand in Hand. The site “helps parents acquire the skills they need to build and rebuild close connections with their children.” It holds a wealth of encouraging ideas. And if you are in California, you may be interested in some of the seminars and classes sponsored by Hand in Hand.
Reprinted by permission.
Part One
We're Doing our Best
by Patty Wipfler
I'm struck again and again by how hard each parent I know tries to do well by his child! We make great efforts, moment-by-moment and day by day. Once the efforts begin, we never stop caring. We never stop trying. We never stop noticing how we're doing. And we frequently worry about how our children are doing.
We make our constant effort to parent, without much chance to stand back and say, "Gee, it's going well!" "Isn't she going to turn out nicely!" "How strong and loving he is!" "They're bound to turn out just fine!" Matter of fact, most of us can't say that we're ever really sure that our children are going to be fine. And some of the time, we can't say that we're going to be fine, either! We push forward so often on low energy, little information, not much help, and too little patience, especially for ourselves.
We Have Reason to be Pleased
Here are a few of the things I think it helps to remember, in order to be pleased with ourselves at the end of the day.
Parenting IS hard work. It's wonderful, deeply moving, really challenging, and difficult. Difficult not because children are inherently difficult, but because:
• we're expecting perfection of ourselves in a situation in which we haven't been trained, coached, mentored, or assisted.
• it takes a lot of attention to stay flexible and patient with a young child for even a couple of hours.
• there are no "second string" players to call in when we, the primary players, are worn or sick or don’t know what to do.
• children have lots of feelings every day, and very few of us grownups have ever been clued in as to what to do with human emotion. Our only training has been to suppress feelings, and that tactic doesn't work well with children, or with us. Feelings come squirting out anyhow!
• our children have very high expectations of us and of life in general. We sense those high expectations, meet them as often as we can, and feel badly when we hit a hard patch.
• most of us didn't get the quality of attention and generosity that we're trying to give to our children. Our parents often improved greatly on the job their parents did, and their parents had improved on the job done with them. We can't see long-range success we're creating in the long chain of parenting effort that we're part of.
So parenting can feel really hard at times.
And still, it's the wonderful sweet center of our lives, and our love. Our children love us deeply, long to be with us, and see how special we are. They beckon us into play and fun that we wouldn't otherwise think to have. They give us permission to be silly, to be sweet, to be tender. They give us permission to love without limit. And we do. They thrive on our love. The relationships we build with them are precious.
Read Part Two , Breaking the Grip of Exhaustion, on February 1st.
