A Wild Ride: Our Blog

What Next?

Being a parent is supposed to be a rewarding experience right? That is what we grow up believing and that is what we expect.

However, sometimes life does not work out the way we expect it too. When I was expecting my daughter, I was elated to find she was a girl. I already had a son and a daughter would complete the picture.

My pregnancy was normal, and there were no complications. However in my 7th month, I went into labor. There were no causes for it, it just happens, I was told.

From the beginning, even when my daughter was in the infant ICU, I knew there were going to be problems. I was told to expect it. Premature babies suffer from a lot of different illness, some medical and some emotional.

My daughter grew out of her medical complications fairly quickly and became a thriving yet demanding child. I really never gave too much thought to it because she was so healthy. She was (and is) a beautiful and intelligent child who wanted everything.

I gave in most of the time, and as she grew older, her demands grew with her. Around 2 years old, I finally put of foot down and began the task of disciple and teaching her appropriate behavior.

She would have none of it. Her demands grew into fits of rage when she did not get what she wanted and violence when she was told no.

As she grew, I realized that something was not right. After being taken to several different doctors, and told that there was nothing wrong, frustration began to take hold of me.

No matter what method of discipline was used, nothing worked. Being a parent who does not believe in spanking, I tried everything else there is to try.

When my third child was born, my daughter did everything she could to get him out of our house. She would do things to hurt the baby, and it was necessary to monitor them at all times. They could never be left alone together.

At one point, it was necessary to hire a babysitter just to go food shopping because she did not get what she wanted.

The screams of rage and anger ran through our apartment building and neighbors would knock on our door to make sure she was all right.

One doctor suggested that I spend time alone with her and it seemed to work for a while, however the more time I spent with her, the more time she wanted. The more presents I bought her, the more she wanted. I was told that she was jealous of the new baby and could understand that. I set a side one day a week that I would spend just with her. It turned into a nightmare when she disappeared in a store one afternoon and the manager of the store locked it down so until we found her an hour later, underneath one of the displays.

When my daughter started school, she began to calm down; I thought that maybe that is what she needed. However, after about two months of school, the teacher called a parent teacher meeting. I found that my daughter was telling horrific stories about her home life and could not believe that she could come up with such things.

My daughter had taken aptitude tests in kindergarten and it was determined that she had learning disabilities which are common in premature babies.

The frustration that she felt at school was unleashed at home to the point where we did not know what to do. This has gone on for four years.

After years of bringing her to different doctors, we were referred to a behavioral specialist and it was determined that my daughter has many different disorders that need to treated with both therapy and medication.

She has responded very well to both treatments and is finally becoming a happy child. She even laughs now, something she has done rarely in the past.

The point of my story is that as parents, we all have instincts regarding our children. Never let someone tell you that your instincts are wrong. It is your child's health and welfare that is at stake, and if it is necessary to see twenty doctors to find answers then do it. No one knows your child better then you.

My daughter went through years of behavioral problems that could have been managed before they grew to the level that they did because I ignored my instincts and followed the advice of others.

As a parent, I felt that I let my daughter down by not pursuing every avenue. I followed advice that led to more problems and I was physically and emotionally drained from this experience.

Kelly is the mother of 3 children, 2 of which have severe difficulties. She lives in the New England region of US and is a work- at-home mom for 5 years.

Photo © Vasiliy Koval - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:35 AM in Expectations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

To get you into the mood for our Momference presentation on the new “sibling rivalry,” I thought you would “enjoy” a piece from my Blog friend Bad Momma.

Evil Genius in the Making

Tonight the boys have been playing and fighting on & off. One minute they're playing quietly and the next moment the younger two have been running to me and complaining about their older brother.

There is no doubt my oldest is my baddest and most obnoxious child. I think he takes pride in this. I also know that the middle and youngest boys like to instigate a fight and play victim. Sometimes I try to separate or mediate and other times, like tonight, I tire of the chaos and tell them to work it out.

Of course there needs to be a threat, such as " If I have to tell you boys one more time to be quiet and stop fighting....." followed by a consequence. Tonight's was " You won't be allowed to have a sleep-over at your cousins' house tomorrow."

A short time later, my 6 year old "baby" hands me this note ( pictured above ).

"Mom! Devon gave me this note" he whines with a sad, hurt look on his face.

" Dear Colin, You have a brain that is the size of an ant and the ant is 1/1000 of an inch." proclaims the offending missive.

" Devvvon!!" I yell " Come down here!"

My oldest promptly comes to see what I want.

" Did you write this note?" I ask

" No " he replies " That is not my writing! It looks like Colin's"

The printed note is in much neater than my 6 year old's typical writing. I look him in the eye and repeat the question. I get the same response and realize he is telling the truth. I call down my middle child. Same interrogation, same answer. I finally call down my youngest, who left the room when I called his oldest brother down.

"Colin, did you write this note?" I sternly ask while I make him look me in the eye.

" Yes..." he replied. " I did it because Devon was hurting me and I wanted to get him in trouble."

" Well it didn't work!" I said and sent Colin to his room for lying.

When he was out of earshot I looked at his brothers and warned them that they better watch out. Their baby brother is getting quite clever. One day he will get revenge and it won't be pretty. Like the bunny in "Hoodwinked", his cute, cuddly demeanor belies the evil genius that lurks within.

Read more from Bad Momma.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:20 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

For some of us, okay, MOST of us, it's been a rough week. For a humorous reality check, I often turn to my friends Patty and Gina over at Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid.

Extreme Makeover Bipolar edition

As parents of a teenage bipolar daughter, my husband must always find ways to “roll with the punches”.

“Mom! Jennifer’s punching a picture of you!” screamed my son.

“That’s OK, I look fat in that one!”

The key to survival, of course, is to try and find the silver lining among some pretty dark clouds. Sometimes it’s easier than others, particularly when she employs one of her most proven coping techniques – cleaning and re-arranging her room. Often, when I enter her room to give her a goodnight kiss, I’m never quite sure, just where I’ll find her bed—or her. My husband and I are in agreement—-until she starts using power tools, this is a healthy way for her to release her anger and frustration.

I got the opportunity to see this plan in action last weekend when she became upset after some problems with her friends. She was growing increasingly agitated, as we discovered when we were attempting to collect the children to take them to my sister’s house for a birthday party for her little cousin.

“Come on Jenn! It’s time to go to Emmy’s party!” I quietly announced.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I HATE YOU! I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE! she screeched.
Upon hearing her less than cheerful tone, my husband and I did the only thing good parents would do — we ditched her – leaving her alone to cool down. . Of course, she did manage to keep in touch by calling my cell phone no less than 27 times.

When we returned several hours later, I wasn’t sure what I would find or even if my house would still be standing.

As we walked into the kitchen, my husband and I were amazed.

“Wow!” exclaimed my husband, “she cleaned the entire kitchen.”

“Gee, how did she get that nasty grease spot off the stove?” I asked.

“When did you buy that bookcase?” my husband asked.

“I didn’t, but Jenn is right, it looks much better on that wall. And I really like how she put the sectional on the North wall. She’s really got a knack for this.”

My husband and I were amazed. The house had never looked better – which gave us a brilliant idea.

“Oh Jennifer!” we called in unison.

With her head down, she sauntered into the kitchen.

“Yes?” she asked still afraid to make eye contact.

“We’re having friends over on Saturday. Do you suppose we could schedule a meltdown for Friday afternoon?”

Read more from Patty & Gina on their Blog.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:12 AM in Humor | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

When I became a parent, the last thing I expected was criticism and judgment from other mothers. And yet, time and again that’s exactly what I experienced, especially when my challenging child came along. How did I solve this dilemma? I retreated into our home and rarely ventured out, a very lonely solution.

In honor of this theme, I share with you a piece from one of our birthday contest winners, Amanda one of The Mom Crowd.

Judging Other Mothers

Women have a history of being hard on one another. Moms especially have a lot to be hard on each other about. “Oh, you aren’t breastfeeding?” “You gave your baby cookies for dinner?” “You let your baby watch 2 hours of Baby Einstein videos?” “You use a bumper?” We all have opinions about what pain management moms use during child birth. Each of us has our own style and attitudes about how we raise our children.

We need to support each other as moms and not judge each other. I know I don’t like it when I feel like I am being scrutinized or being told I am doing something wrong. There have been times that I chose not to do something with my baby, because I was afraid of being judged for it.

Being critical of your friends and family hurts your relationships. Speaking your mind does not always build trust. Sometimes friendships end because of criticism and condemnation. Even small remarks add up over time. We are not always aware that we are speaking unkindly to each other. We all put our foot in our mouth at times. Let’s be mindful of the attitudes that we are portraying to each other. In the words of High School Musical, “We’re all in this together!”

Here are 5 ways to help us stop judging other moms:

1. Make a choice not to judge. We need to make a conscious effort to change our attitudes and accept our friends for who they are. Making a choice not to judge will help you remember not to criticize or disparage your friends the next time you speaking about them.

2. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” is the fifth habit of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen Covey. Learning this principal can greatly change the way you engage with other people. We need to try and understand what our friends are going through and the circumstances that made them choose that decision before we even speak. We don’t always have the full story from a blog post or part of a story heard second hand. I have friends that it is their personality to keep their lives private. So when they make a parenting decision, I can’t have an opinion. Seeking to understand what is going on our friends’ lives builds up our relationships and they will feel supported.

3. Stop talking about other moms, even to your spouse. We really need to guard our tongue when it comes to gossip. It is really easy to slip into gossip when you are honestly sharing the latest news of your friend or family member. Sometimes it feels good to talk about other people. It feels good to have someone agree with your point of view. Make a concerted effort with your friends not to talk about each behind each other’s backs. You won’t have to worry about if what you said gets back to your friend and it is better for everyone! There is peace in keeping your comments to yourself.

4. Don’t give advice unless it is requested. This is so hard for me, because I love asking for advice from people. I just assume that everyone is like me, but they aren’t. I need to remember that I shouldn’t give advice or my opinion unless they specifically asked for it. If advice or insight is requested from you, then you have to be careful not to be offended if they don’t take your advice. And visa versa, you shouldn’t be offended if you don’t like the guidance you requested. Counsel and sharing experiences is helpful. Let us make sure we always speak with the law of kindness on our tongue when giving counsel.

5. Celebrate and encourage each other! We all have difficult and enjoyable jobs raising our kids and caring for babies. Be and ear or shoulder when it is needed. I enjoy talking to McKenna and hearing about all the appointments and health updates of her two kids. Tell another mom what a great mom she is! Say it in a card, in person, in an email. I don’t know a mom that doesn’t mind being praised for being a good mom. Drop off or mail a little gift to a friend. Stop by and do her dishes. There are so many ways we can celebrate each other. Lets remember to stop judging and celebrate our victories with one another!

Have you ever felt judged by another mom? Have you ever been offended by someone giving too much advice? Do you make an effort not to judge other moms?

If you wish to answer these questions, contact Amanda on The Mom Crowd.

Read Amanda’s award winning essay What to Expect When Your Mother’s Parenting Isn’t What You Expected on the A Wild Ride Web site.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:59 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Oprah, here we come! Okay, well, maybe it’s not Oprah, but Mary and I are honored just the same.

Stephanie Haber from the Special Needs Family asked us to present at Momference on April 26th . We are part of a day long teleconference program titled Special Needs: Managing Stress with a Smile. Our topic is My Brother, My Sister, My Enemy, My Friend: The new definition of sibling rivalry.

What is Momference?

Momference is the first global expert resource created especially for Moms seeking the best information to help them in their efforts as women and mothers.

The Momference mission is simple: celebrate, empower, and educate women who are moms in all aspects of their lives. More than just a place where experts share information with mothers, Momference is a community of women and mothers interacting in virtual environments to gain insight and support from the most powerful group on the planet: each other!

Every month, our virtual programs are conducted 100% via phone conferences and online webinars, creating unique opportunities that educate and inspire women. Momference teleconferencing puts you in a “virtual meeting room” with renowned experts (that’s Mary) and thousands of like-minded women (that’s me) from all over the country to discuss the topics important to women everywhere...all without the hassles of traveling or getting a babysitter!

Stay tuned for more information on our presentation.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:48 AM in Classes & Seminars | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I've said before that the beauty of the Blogosphere is that we can share stories, ideas, strategies, viewpoints with millions of people. We can also make great "new" friends. One of my personal Blogger favorites is Krista Long. Check out her Blog Krista's Thoughts. But first read her piece on Expectations below.

When I originally found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, I did not have too many expectations of what being a parent was like. I was 19 years old, and living a fairly unstable nomadic life at that point. Finding out I was pregnant was like adding fertilizer to the garden. My growth increased, I started to unfurl, but it was not instantaneous.

Going through childbirth is to this day the one experience in my life that was the most intense. I think nothing else captures that sense of pain, exhaustion, joy, and expectation that the delivery process is.

I am an insatiable learner, and devoured books on parenting whole. I was determined to "do this right". Raising children was going to be my opus magna. Then, reality set in. I was doing it by the book, but the books often conflicted, and my son had his own ideas. We were poor, and by the time he was two I was working 50 hours a week, taking 9 credit hours in school, and still doing the brunt of the home and child care. By the time he was three, I was tired of the supermom life and moved my family 200 miles away from our home base to go to school full time. Along came my second child.

That was when things got really interesting. Things were not going well. I learned, I lived, but I fell prey to self-doubt. I believed I was the one going insane, when in reality, it was the chaos swirling around me. I had to let some things go, and grab on and hold tight to other things. I was damaged, but I survived. My children survived. My marriage did not. My career did not. My confidence in my abilities as a parent did not.

After that Winter came the Spring. I started to grow again. I adapted to the new life I had, learning to live and to parent anew. I embraced a new identity as the mother of a child with special needs, as the mother of boys, and as a single mother. I embraced motherhood.

And yet, I did not realize yet that those nebulous expectations still existed. I still expected my children to be children. I still expected that those in my life would respect my role as their mother, and as my older son's caregiver. And, even more importantly, I expected people to acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect. I still had needs beyond motherhood, and one of those was the need for a break.

I had not realized that I had not confronted the fact that my expectations of what life would be like at this point have been completely shattered. I have not mourned the loss of the life I dreamed of. I thought my children would be working towards independence and my life would look a lot different than it does.

Each day was and is a new adventure. I never know what to expect. And I have found my expectations to be shaped by the life I lived and by my experiences. I fall short of those expectations, and find myself revising them. My children do not fit in those expectations and I find myself revising them. And sometimes, something happens that makes me re-examine everything.

I have a quote in my e-mail signature that I get a lot of compliments on: "Bringing up a family should be an adventure, not an anxious discipline in which everybody is constantly graded for performance." ~ Milton R. Sapirstein (Paradoxes of Everyday Life). There is currently a lot of conflict in my oldest's son's Child and Family Team. (.pdf) A therapist I am seeing was reviewing the issues I brought up, a lot of which were a direct critique of me and my parenting, and a recommendation that my son go live with his father. This is not the place to go into details about the how or the why or even the rebuttals against some of the accusations being leveled at me.

But the point I am trying to make is that she said something that blew me out of the water. She looked at me and told me that she did not know if she could handle someone examining her parenting to that level of detail. I looked at her blankly for a second, and slowly realized a new paradigm. While I had verbalized the quote above, I had not internalized it. I had merely accepted the fact that my parenting was going to be scrutinized with a fine tooth comb because I had invited people into my life for help. I had internalized the "Your son has problems, therefore you must be a bad parent" message. I allowed others expectations and perceptions of me to guide what I was doing, instead of really figuring out what was truly best for my family.

We had had a discussion last week, because I am not doing so well at school, about failure and perfection. I realized something and said it through tears, "I can fail at school, but I can NOT fail at parenthood. The stakes are too high." That evolved into a discussion of how vulnerable you are when you present something as your best creative work and people tear it to shreds. People have been doing that to me for years. But now, I think I am ready to say it.

Raising my children, giving them boundaries while allowing them to develop into their own people, and coaching them and helping them through their lives, is my best creative work. I have put myself into it body and soul. And in spite of all the hardship, all the trauma, and the extra help our little family needs, I am proud of it. I am a good parent. I am not a perfect parent, and no one has a right to expect me to be one.

Posted by Elizabeth at 2:30 AM in Expectations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Earlier this month, we announced our newest feature: Single Parenting. Both on the Blog and on the Web site, we'll share the stories of single parents who often deal with the daily challenges of parenting all on their own. Some of their stories provide an inspiration to those of us in a parenting relationship. Other stories show the difficulty of "going it alone." And still others point to the fact that "this isn't how it was supposed to be." Not only is parenting not what they expected, neither is life.

Today we welcome back Naomi from Tales of a Single Parent.

Here are Naomi's words of advice:

The one thing I have learned about being a parent is that you must always be an advocate for your child(ren). It is one of the most important things we can do as parents. Being an advocate for your child(ren) is being that bigger stronger voice. I have also learned that being an advocate is not always easy. It is sometimes draining, stressful and frustrating, but as my good friend always says; when right - fight.

When I was in school, my mother never let anything just slide. If I was treated unfairly or mistreated in any way, she would write a letter to the adminstration or the school board and get the issue resolved. So in respects to being an advocate for my own children, I certainly learned from the best.

Your child(ren) may need support for a learning disability, they may need tutoring, they may have been passed down an unfair school suspension, a teacher or administrator may act crude towards them; whatever the issue is, it is important to know and understand that you have the right to voice your opinion and to seek a resolution. When right - fight........

Read Naomi's other Blog entry titled Challenging Children and the Single Parent printed earlier this month on A Wild Ride: The Blog.

Personally I'm a big fan of Naomi's podcasts. Check them out on Tales of a Single Parent.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:13 AM in Single parenting | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

One of my personal favorites in the World of Mom Blogs is CrankMama. The piece below, originally printed on their site, reminds me that even a small gesture of love towards my spouse counts as a token of appreciation.

You’ve heard that Hubs and I have committed to a weekly date night and that so far we’ve only been out once this year. How lame is that?

We’ve also been trying the 30-day trial approach to more intimacy as a couple. While there is some progress, it’s been slow going. I never imagined it would take so much effort to carve out a measly half hour once a day that’s “just for us”.

We definitely don’t deserve gold stars (yet) and I keep thinking that if the flu hadn’t ransacked our happy home, things would be different. We would have more energy to get through the day, and would in turn make finding that “couple time” an exciting and fun priority. Instead, it was beginning to feel like something we felt we had to do so we could check it off the list - like buying groceries or diapers.

Then it occurred to me: maybe we’ve been making too big a production of this. What about the simple pleasures of being in a relationship with someone you adore?

A friend once told me a story about his grandparents who were married for 50 years and fell asleep holding hands - EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. The romance of that tale struck a cord with me.

So last night, even though we were too strung out on cold medicine and sleep deprivation to do more than lay next to each other, we made connecting a priority and fell asleep - holding hands…

Photo © rachatlukum - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:05 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Jodi Webb is writing a three part series about grandparenting a special needs child for a site under development www.grandparenting.com.

She’s looking for families to share their stories about the involvement of grandparents with their special needs grandchildren. Grandparents and parents alike may contribute. In fact, Jodi wants to hear from any of three groups: special needs children, the parents, and/or the grandchildren.

Jodi's articles will focus on some of the following questions:

How do the grandparents contribute to making the family life a little smoother/less stressful?

How do the grandparents develop a relationship with their grandchild?

What specific activities do they do together?

What's the best way to treat a special needs grandchild compared to the other grandchildren?

Should all grandchildren receive the same treatment/participate in the same activities with grandparents?

What conflict arises within the family?

We all know parenting brings about stress to finances, emotions, marriages and even siblings' relationships with a special needs child. How have grandparents reacted to conflicts within the family?

Do they contribute financially?

Give their two cents worth about different treatments?

Give parents time away from their children?

Specifically for grandparents, how did you learn and react to the news that your grandchild had special needs?

Anyone interested in participating can email Jodi with the following information:

Are you a child/parent/grandparent?

What sort of challenges is your family dealing with?

What are the names and ages of all the grandchildren? (Jodi needs the names for her editors but can keep them out of the actual article.)

Contact Jodi via email at or 570-544-3318 if you are interested.

© PhotoCreate - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:01 AM in | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

From Catherine at A Week In the Life of a Redhead:

What really helped me early on with Brian was a special by PBS: Misunderstood Minds.

I had my son look at one of the classroom scenarios. He looked at me and said, "Mom, that is exactly what is is like for me." It broke my heart, because I had this window into his world at school and realized how brave he is - to face school every day when it appeared that way. From that moment on I made it my mission to help him understand his way of seeing the world and dealing with surviving in it.

Please do not think that I judge parents who choose to drug their kids. It is their willingness to share their brave stories about medicating their child that helped me develop my own solutions for Brian. I do believe there are kids who benefit from drug therapy. I have Hashimotos disease and know what a difference the right thyroid medication has made in my life ... so who would I be to judge another parent for trying all therapies for their child? I just want those parents who choose not to do the drugs that it can turn out ok.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:45 AM in News and Research | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

...Something Other than What You're Facing!

Our old friend Jen Zug from This Pile is back! Today she reminds us that sometimes our expectations of our children are unreasonable -- especially when they are only mimicking what that see us do and say.

Last Spring when Bryan and I were in the car with our two kids - a preschooler and a toddler - a verbal scuffle started in the back seat.

Ruthie (the preschooler): MOM! We're playing hide and seek, but Thomas won't stop counting!

We were in the car, and hiding consisted of covering her face with her hands. But still.

Me: Did you ask him to stop?

Ruthie then turns to Thomas and begins screaming at him to stop. I cringed as the echoes of her screams reverberated in my head.

Me: You need to ask him to stop without screaming at him. That's not okay.

Ruthie, in a horrifically matter-of-fact tone: But mom, I have to scream at him because he's not stopping.

At which point I smirk quietly to myself as Bryan throws his head back in that deep, bellowing, from-the-gut laugh that I love (but only when it's not at my expense), and he says, "You are SO BUSTED!"

Yes, it's true: I'm a screamer.

Mothering my daughter has not been an easy experience. But then again, I'm not sure why I thought it would be. I came into mothering with the expectation that I would lead, teach, correct, and mentor, and my daughter would lovingly follow.

This has not been the case. Instead, the scenario looks more like, expect, demand, shame, and force.

I read somewhere once that at the root of disappointment is failed expectation. When I saw this, I realized I had been expecting all the wrong things out of motherhood: I was expecting everything to go my way; I was expecting my daughter would be molded into what I wanted her to be; I was expecting to clock in every morning and clock out every evening.

I expected I could parent out of my own needs.

Through counseling and soul-searching and kinship with friends my eyes were opened to this, and I began to shift my expectations. Now, more and more, I expect my daughter to be tenacious and opposing, so I teach her to obey without stripping her of who she is; now I expect to be a mother all the time; now I expect to find joy in my children's' personalities, no matter how challenging.

In letting go of my own expectations, I have discovered what my children really need to gain life skills and be successful.

I think I have found the balance now. I scream a lot less these days, but not because my children's behavior has dramatically changed - my daughter's strength is still draining and keeps me on my toes. But rather, I have grieved my lost expectations and let them go.

And in letting go, I discovered my disappointment has turned to joy at being a mother to two beautiful, challenging children.

Read Jen's other Blog entries:

Photo © anna karwowska - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:16 AM in Expectations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

From Terri Mauro's About.com/Parenting Special Needs Children:

Children with special needs often react badly to stress; they need us to remain calm and even-tempered even in the face of the most frightening symptoms or the most provocative behavior. A stressed-out, tired-out, emotionally drained parent can't provide that; but how do we manage to recharge our own batteries when it takes so much energy to care for our kids? Here's how to find everything from a respite provider to a support group to an e-mail list of understanding friends. Read Respite for Parents: Finding Ways to Take Care of Yourself.

For more on Respite Care, visit the National Respite Network.

Also, check out Terri's Web site. My favorite entry is How to Worry More Constructively.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:27 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I expected my son to be a daughter.
I expected him to sleep through the night at 7 weeks like his older brother.
I expected him to calm down when I picked him up from his crib.
I expected him to enjoy playing with other children.
I expected him to be happy.
I expected life with my second son to be different than it is.

By the time my son Jason turned three, I knew he was not like other children. Sights, sounds, and smells overwhelmed him. My expectations of becoming a stay-at-home mom (I worked full-time with my first son) became exactly that: We stayed-at-home. Three people in a room was one person too many.

Wondering if there was some medical explanation for his constant unhappiness, I took Jason to our pediatrician, Dr. Kyle. Fortunately there was nothing physiologically wrong with him, but the doctor suggested that Jason may be suffering from an undiagnosed neurologic disorder, and we began the search for calming activities.

I explained to Dr. Kyle that each day, when I noticed Jason’s anxiety and irritability escalate (usually after some over-stimulating activity like picking up his brother from school), I would play Mozart, Bach or Beethoven softly in the background. Dr. Kyle immediately recommended music therapy. .

Looking for activities we might both enjoy, I bought tickets to the symphony. We arrived early. A few people mingled in the lobby of the symphony hall. The massive windows allowed filtered sunlight to stream through, making the glistening chandeliers unnecessary. I debated whether to find our seats immediately or wait until closer to the performance time. If we sat too early, Jason would become restless. If we waited too long, the crowds of people might overwhelm him. We chose the former.

Not many children attended the symphony but those who did were dressed in their finest clothes, especially the girls. My son could not be convinced to wear anything other than shorts, t-shirt, and sweatshirt. Hey, we’re here, I reminded myself, and I let the clothing expectation go.

As the symphony played, Jason slowly leaned into my shoulder, less for comfort, more to escape the person on his right who might brush against him. By the second movement of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, Jason was asleep. I aroused him at intermission, thinking a treat would be welcomed but he chose not to leave our seats.

During the second half of the performance he stayed awake, but he climbed under our seats and curled into a ball. He remained there until the end of the performance. Thankfully the patrons next to us merely smiled.

Driving home from the concert, I asked my son the question no parent should ever ask because the answer will rarely be what you expected.

“Did you enjoy yourself today?”

“I hated it.”

“Oh, but I thought you liked classical music.”

“I do. It’s all the people I can’t stand.”

Never one to give up easily, I took Jason to the symphony again a few months later. This time he fell asleep so soundly that he peed all over himself and the plush velvet upholstery.

Not at all what I expected.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:15 AM in Expectations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Part Two
Breaking the Grip of Exhaustion
by Patty Wipfler
Originally published on Hand in Hand.

Here are a few thoughts about what helps the cycle of worry and exhaustion that can weigh us down, and erode our enjoyment of mother- and fatherhood:

• You deserve help. Don't stop working to organize it! Family, friends, other parents of young children all can provide a welcome break, or a word of encouragement about how your child is doing.

• You don't deserve anyone's criticism. Spoken and unspoken judgment can weigh on our hearts and minds, and wear us down over time. And parents are "free targets" in a way that would be unheard of for members of groups that have organized to protect their interests as a group. No one would think of going up to a senior citizen who was using a walker, and tell him that he should be doing his walking some other way. But people assume that a parent with a child who's whining in public should have a piece of their mind, or should at least have a disapproving glance. You don't have to accept poor treatment. You can set limits with other grownups--you do it all the time with your children. You have the right to take the stance that, "This isn't an easy day, and I'm doing the best that I can. If you want to help me, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. If you are not going to help, then I ask you to keep your thoughts to yourself."

• You deserve time to debrief. Parenting takes a lot of thought and emotional effort! Someone listening to you, even if all you say is "I’m so tired!" over and over, will help. When our thoughts and feelings stay trapped inside our minds, they eat up our energy and keep us concentrated on our troubles. Saying what's on your mind, and showing the feelings you control all day long, is a big relief! Split 20 minutes of listening time with someone who can actually let you talk uninterrupted, and who will keep an attitude of respect for you throughout, no matter what your thoughts or feelings are. It makes a difference!

• You may need to address exhaustion. When you're so tired that resting doesn't really refresh you, you've become exhausted. At that point, it's hard to do anything but march in place, getting the most necessary things done. Your ability to solve problems creatively is at low ebb. What helps an exhausted parent is to try to relax near someone who cares, and to have that person be quiet and "watch over" you, while you either talk, or sleep, or just say how tired you are, over and over, and how hard it is to be that tired. Someone to watch over you makes all the difference. Exhaustion means that big feelings, usually of isolation or too little hope or no one really caring, are mixed in with the tiredness. Having someone care and watch over you helps with that emotional load. A good cry is often the result, either during a rest or some time thereafter. And that good cry can relieve the heavy feel of things. For some of us, the person we can call on is a partner, or perhaps a brother or sister, or a really good friend. For some, the relief of being alone after the children have gone to bed brings that sense of protected time, for others, a beloved pet, and for many, remembering a divine being. As long as we feel some love and caring coming toward us while we rest, we're on our way out of exhaustion. To set up this kind of respite time, we need to ask for exactly what we want--no one comes along to say, "You rest. I'll watch over things, and guard you for an hour." Perhaps friends should know to help with the exhaustion of hard working parents, but most people are shy to offer, or caught up in their own sagas. So we need to invite them to help.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that even on a day when we've been hard on our children or hard on ourselves, we've done the best that we could do! We may need to acknowledge that our best was pretty crummy today. And we certainly need to keep reaching to build good support for ourselves and for the work that's so important to us. But every parent can go to bed at night saying, "I did my best." And every child will wake up in the morning glad to be awake, loving his parents and eager for the best that we can do again that day!

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:44 AM in Expectations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)