What to Expect When You're Expecting...
...Something Other than What You're Facing!
Our old friend Jen Zug from This Pile is back! Today she reminds us that sometimes our expectations of our children are unreasonable -- especially when they are only mimicking what that see us do and say.
Last Spring when Bryan and I were in the car with our two kids - a preschooler and a toddler - a verbal scuffle started in the back seat.
Ruthie (the preschooler): MOM! We're playing hide and seek, but Thomas won't stop counting!
We were in the car, and hiding consisted of covering her face with her hands. But still.
Me: Did you ask him to stop?
Ruthie then turns to Thomas and begins screaming at him to stop. I cringed as the echoes of her screams reverberated in my head.
Me: You need to ask him to stop without screaming at him. That's not okay.
Ruthie, in a horrifically matter-of-fact tone: But mom, I have to scream at him because he's not stopping.
At which point I smirk quietly to myself as Bryan throws his head back in that deep, bellowing, from-the-gut laugh that I love (but only when it's not at my expense), and he says, "You are SO BUSTED!"
Yes, it's true: I'm a screamer.
Mothering my daughter has not been an easy experience. But then again, I'm not sure why I thought it would be. I came into mothering with the expectation that I would lead, teach, correct, and mentor, and my daughter would lovingly follow.
This has not been the case. Instead, the scenario looks more like, expect, demand, shame, and force.
I read somewhere once that at the root of disappointment is failed expectation. When I saw this, I realized I had been expecting all the wrong things out of motherhood: I was expecting everything to go my way; I was expecting my daughter would be molded into what I wanted her to be; I was expecting to clock in every morning and clock out every evening.
I expected I could parent out of my own needs.
Through counseling and soul-searching and kinship with friends my eyes were opened to this, and I began to shift my expectations. Now, more and more, I expect my daughter to be tenacious and opposing, so I teach her to obey without stripping her of who she is; now I expect to be a mother all the time; now I expect to find joy in my children's' personalities, no matter how challenging.
In letting go of my own expectations, I have discovered what my children really need to gain life skills and be successful.
I think I have found the balance now. I scream a lot less these days, but not because my children's behavior has dramatically changed - my daughter's strength is still draining and keeps me on my toes. But rather, I have grieved my lost expectations and let them go.
And in letting go, I discovered my disappointment has turned to joy at being a mother to two beautiful, challenging children.
Read Jen's other Blog entries:
Some Days It's Just Better to Stay in Denial
Thanks Jen! Love your new tagline: One Woman, Many Piles, Much Grace.
Photo © anna karwowska - Fotolia.com
