Sibling Rivalry and Special Needs
So how does the developing normally sibling feel? Autism and the Empress shares her story:
I never thought I'd see the day when my children would rival each other. My two eldest (a boy and a girl) were quite close. Being three years apart, they played together, ate together, were disobedient together and thus, disciplined together. Although they are adults now, they remain close.
Not so with my teenager and ER. They are not the best of friends. There's five years between them, but that shouldn't constitute the attitudes, bickering and yes, sometimes fighting amongst them.
From the comments I receive....my teenager is jealous. He feels I pay more attention to ER than him. He says I allow ER to "get away with things" I wouldn't allow him to get away with. Oh, and also, I buy ER more things from the store than I do him. When these comments are flying back and forth over me, I stop and take a look at myself. Am I doing all that he claims? In a way, I have to say....yes. Am I doing it knowingly? No.
I try to explain to my teenager that ER has a disability and with that disability comes special needs that should be met. "He doesn't care for water, so I buy him juice to mix with the water. You love water," I'll say to him. Unfortunately, these needs that should be met have caused a sort of resentment in him and it shows in several ways:
a) He has no mercy for ER. He feels ER should be just as tough as anyone else.
b) He teases ER. I've caught him on several occasions when he feels I am not looking and have also been told by other family members.
c) He isn't willing to lift a hand. When asked to do something for ER, he grumbles and complains.
My teenager's resentments are therefore having a negative effect on ER in several ways:
a) He strikes out in anger. When ER looses on a video game he will get up and hit my teenager even when he's not the one playing against him.
b) He does not want my teenager to touch him or tell him what to do. I was watching them cross the parking lot this morning and my teenager put his hand on ER to protect him from the oncoming car. ER screamed and moved his hand away.
c) Any playtime turns to violence. On the off chance that the two of them do play together, it often turns into a hitting fest.
Between the both of them, I feel more like a referee than a mother. I've tried my best to spread myself equally between the two of them. But, there is only so much spreading a single parent can do. I've encouraged my teenager to start attending the local Teen Center down the street to mingle and make friends with kids his own age. He is finally doing that.
As far as their brotherhood, I hope and pray it will develop beyond the jealousy stage. A good family relationship is so important -- for them and for me.
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