Sibling Rivalry -- Tip Sheet
Welcome Momference participants and other parents dealing with special needs and sibling rivalry!
Helping Kids Get Along
Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:
• Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."
• Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met.
• Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.
• Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.
• Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.
• Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.
• Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many kids fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.
• If your children frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)
• If fights between your school-age children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.
• Recognize when kids just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.
• Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.
Getting Professional Help
Many parents feel frustrated and ineffective due to a high degree of sibling quarreling. If you have questions about sibling rivalry and would like strategies and a fresh perspective, call a parent coach.
In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or particularly affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In those cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional. Seek help for sibling conflict if it:
• is so severe that it's leading to marital problems
• creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member
• is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being of any family member
• may be related to another psychiatric disorder, such as depression
Talk with your doctor, who can help you determine whether your family might benefit from professional help and refer you to local mental health resources.
Adapted from: Sibling Rivalry @ Kids Health for Parents
