A Wild Ride: Our Blog

I said I didn’t care. But I guess I did.

The Christmas tree stood naked except for the lights I strung the day I bought the tree. For a week it stood in anticipation of our family Christmas/Hanukkah celebration on the 21st. Our older son would be home from college and together our family would decorate the tree with ornaments collected over the years, each ornament carrying a meaning or a remembrance. The pink beaded skater my sister made for me when she was 11-years-old. The Santa on a bicycle given to my husband the year he took up cycling after a near fatal illness. The sailboat from my L.A. years. The wooden snowman with apron and spatula for my son, the award-winning chef. Santa kicking a soccer ball. Sleeping Beauty. A star fish. The blue Star of David.

When I hung the family ornament, the one with all four us represented in proper order (Dad, Mom, Oldest, Youngest and our names hand painted on each stocking cap), I realized I did care.

I cared that our son did not make it to our snowed-in home as planned. His flights from the East Coast were cancelled one after another until his only option was to fly to Oakland and spend the holidays with his girlfriend’s family.

I cared that the few days together that we expected would not happen.

I cared deeply that our traditions, carved so carefully over the years to accommodate the special needs of our younger son, would not be carried out this year.

I realized once again that my parenting expectations created a burden for me.

I expect in the next few years that my son will create a life of his own that may not include coming home for each holiday. I just didn’t expect that to occur so soon.

After all I have been through as a parent of a special needs child, you would think I had let go of expectations long ago. I guess some habits die hard.

When Mary Scribner and I chose the 2008 A Wild Ride theme, What to Expect When Parenting Isn't What You Expected, I had no idea that I would end the year reminding myself that my expectations, even the lowest of expectations, can bring me sadness and frustration.

And I remember now that it is best if I live by the words of Alice Walker who said: “Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise. “

And now, as I reflect back on Christmas/Hanukkah 2008, I realize that there ARE wonderful surprises I will remember: Impromptu dinner with old friends, the unscheduled dinner with new ones, the unexpected beautiful white Christmas that started the week before.

My favorite surprise? My anxiety-ridden son’s inevitable disappointment on Christmas morning lasted only minutes not hours or days! Now that was the best surprise of all!

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Photo © silver-john - Fotolia.com

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After the storm, if it is safe:

Go to a friend’s or relative’s house, someplace where everything seems more “normal."

Take everyone to something fun – movies, events, skating, swimming, etc. Exercise can really help to decrease tension and anxiety for everyone.

Get out and walk.

Make “grateful” lists, e.g., we are warm, have food, found teddy near by.

Reflect on your survival strategies. What would you do differently next time?

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:28 AM in Holidays | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As parents, we do our best to soothe our children’s troubled lives, but when the unknowns of severe weather unfold and anxiety escalates, many of our tried and true comfort strategies blow out the window.

If a storm hits your region (as it has here in the Northwest), consider these strategies:

1. Try to stay calm. Know that you have prepared the best you could.

2. Read or tell stories if your children are awake.

3. Comfort each other. Snuggle. Hold your children. Ask them to hold you too.

4. Sleep together with blankets on the floor. Create a sleep-over party atmosphere.

5. Serve hot chocolate or provide comfort objects. Give everyone a squeeze ball or clay to help deal with tension.

6.. Sing songs, listen to story tapes on a battery operated player.

7. Talk about your own fear and how you face and overcome it.

8. Use positive imagery. Visualize the end of the storm.

Stay safe!

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:21 PM in Holidays | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If your challenging, intense child has trouble waiting for the appropriate time to open gifts, think about this idea from Mary Scribner:

Open a few gifts early. We used to stretch out our gift exchanges and begin opening presents (one each day) three days before the holiday. This helped to diffuse our son’s intensity and saved our sanity.

Read more of Mary's Holiday Strategies on A Wild Ride.

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I know this is an old cliche'. One that makes me cringe. But it is true. I always feel better when I help someone else. So this holiday season, if you are baking cookies, bake a few extra or make a double batch of lasagna. Take your bounty to another mom who is feeling particularly overwhelmed. During the holidays these ladies are not hard to find. You'll be surprised how great you feel.

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How many times have we all tried to make this the "best holiday ever" in order to impress our mother-in-law, co-workers, next door neighbor. Here's the best advice ever from Joan Celebi at Special Needs Parent Coach: Give it Up!

Nevermind what other people think.

The holidays are full of moments when we wonder what other people must be thinking, whether we’re out in public or with friends or even with family. Parents of children with special needs report that this is one of the hardest things they have to deal with. I encourage you to let go of what other people think. As a parent, your choices are yours and you make them for a reason. You and your family are who you are. No explanations necessary.

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Cathy Knoll at FAQAutism offers these suggestions if you are planning a trip to relatives during the holidays:

Talk it up with your child.

Talk about your trip in advance. Talk about the travel itinerary and the people and places you are going to see. Show them photos of relatives, of grandmama’s house, and of sights along the way.

Map it. Before heading out, gather the travelers around the table and map out your route on a map. Let your friend with autism be the “keeper of the map.” If he is able to do so, he can actually help navigate.

Pack up. Help your friend with autism pack a small car kit. Use a brightly colored back pack or bag so it is easy to locate while traveling. Have your friend pack some favorite items that can help the miles melt away. He might want to pack favorite books or toys, an iPod or CD player with earphones, hand-held electronic games, binoculars, and some favorite snacks.

Pack a sleep pack. If you are traveling at night or expect your youngster will sleep during the trip, pack your buddy’s favorite pillow with a folded sheet slipped inside the pillowslip to make a car nap more relaxing and cozy.

Have fun. If your youngster with autism is able to do so, have him keep a scorecard of the number of cows or the number of 18-wheeler trucks or the number of motorcycles you pass. If you go on a longer trip, you can play the alphabet game by finding words that start with consecutive letters of the alphabet on roadside signs. You can sing rowdy verses of “She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain” while traveling down the road

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Here's a suggestion of my own:

If your child is easily overwhelmed or sensory sensitive or suffers from an anxiety producing challenges, consider creating a special signal that let's you know he's ready to leave. Perhaps it's as simple of a nod of his head towards the car.

Once at a party I suggested to my son that when he was ready to go he sit in chair near the door. After about a half-hour, when the volume of people seemed to double, I looked over. Sure enough, there he was, and although I wanted to stay and visit with the many friends now at the party, I honored our commitment. The two of us went home to hot chocolate and a movie, just the two of us.

Do you have ideas to share? Please send me your comments.

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Here's my personal favorite from Joan Celebi:

Be imperfect! And love it!

We all know we’re not perfect. But we often spend valuable mental and emotional energy wishing we could do things better. This is especially true around the holidays, when we’re bombarded with images of the model family, the ideal kids, the perfect dinner, the museum-quality home decor. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. Take the pressure off yourself. What if you were to actually celebrate what you formerly saw as your shortcomings? The imperfect parts of your holiday may become some of your best memories.

By the way, Joan sends out a terrific newsletter. Sign up here.

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:45 AM in Holidays | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

One of the benefits of my job as a special needs parent blogger is all the wonderful, knowledgable fellow parent writers I meet in cyberspace. This week on the A Wild Ride Blog, I would like to introduce you to one of these friends Joan Celebi, a Special Needs Parent Coach and author of Overwhelmed No More!

On Joan's site this month she posted Twelve Tips for Truly Wonderful Holidays For You and Your Family. Over the next couple of weeks, we'll posted her tips and add a few of our own. Do you have some ideas/suggestions you would like to share? Send them me at elizabeth@awildride.net.

Here's one from Joan's list:

Sort out what matters most – and what doesn’t – in your holiday season.

Chances are there are some things you do every year that you don’t need to or even really want to be doing. Throw those out the window! These can be little things or big things. Your choice! You can only do so much, so save your time and energy for the things that are really important to you.

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Many of our challenging and anxious children tend to be hyperaware of new situations like holiday parties and meeting new people.

During the holiday season, consider this idea from the Anxiety Disorders Association of America:

Plan ahead. Anticipate potentially stressful situations by talking to your child about what made her anxious during this time last year, and create techniques to minimize that anxiety. For a child who is uncomfortable being hugged by relatives, practice putting their hand out quickly when seeing a person or initiating a less overwhelming type of hug.

If you have other ideas or suggestions, share them with our A Wild Ride readers. Send them to Elizabeth for posting later this month.

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Q: Every year my family falls short of giving me a thoughtful present. It hurts my feelings about how little time they spend on my gift while I devote time, energy and money on theirs. I'm not asking for anything expensive. How can I get my family to honor me?

From Parent Coach and A Wild Ride creator/author Mary Scribner:

A: You obviously are very generous and put considerable effort into choosing just the right gift for your family. If this act gives meaning to you then that is great. If not you may want to re-evaluate your approach. Your family may not have a clue when it comes to a gift that would be meaningful to you. Why not give them some hints (list) of what you would like. They may really appreciate knowing rather than guessing (and coming up wrong!)

It sounds like you may have some expectations here that are not being met. Be careful. Expectations are the gateway to disappointment. What you may really need is to feel acknowledged and appreciated. Everyone needs that. Perhaps you could begin by writing down 5 things you appreciate about yourself everyday. Keep adding to the list and think about how good it feels to honor yourself.

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