Holidays Not as You Expected?
I said I didn’t care. But I guess I did.
The Christmas tree stood naked except for the lights I strung the day I bought the tree. For a week it stood in anticipation of our family Christmas/Hanukkah celebration on the 21st. Our older son would be home from college and together our family would decorate the tree with ornaments collected over the years, each ornament carrying a meaning or a remembrance. The pink beaded skater my sister made for me when she was 11-years-old. The Santa on a bicycle given to my husband the year he took up cycling after a near fatal illness. The sailboat from my L.A. years. The wooden snowman with apron and spatula for my son, the award-winning chef. Santa kicking a soccer ball. Sleeping Beauty. A star fish. The blue Star of David.
When I hung the family ornament, the one with all four us represented in proper order (Dad, Mom, Oldest, Youngest and our names hand painted on each stocking cap), I realized I did care.
I cared that our son did not make it to our snowed-in home as planned. His flights from the East Coast were cancelled one after another until his only option was to fly to Oakland and spend the holidays with his girlfriend’s family.
I cared that the few days together that we expected would not happen.
I cared deeply that our traditions, carved so carefully over the years to accommodate the special needs of our younger son, would not be carried out this year.
I realized once again that my parenting expectations created a burden for me.
I expect in the next few years that my son will create a life of his own that may not include coming home for each holiday. I just didn’t expect that to occur so soon.
After all I have been through as a parent of a special needs child, you would think I had let go of expectations long ago. I guess some habits die hard.
When Mary Scribner and I chose the 2008 A Wild Ride theme, What to Expect When Parenting Isn't What You Expected, I had no idea that I would end the year reminding myself that my expectations, even the lowest of expectations, can bring me sadness and frustration.
And I remember now that it is best if I live by the words of Alice Walker who said: “Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise. “
And now, as I reflect back on Christmas/Hanukkah 2008, I realize that there ARE wonderful surprises I will remember: Impromptu dinner with old friends, the unscheduled dinner with new ones, the unexpected beautiful white Christmas that started the week before.
My favorite surprise? My anxiety-ridden son’s inevitable disappointment on Christmas morning lasted only minutes not hours or days! Now that was the best surprise of all!
