My Brother. My Enemy. My Friend.
One Sibling's Story
"Yeah, I'm upset." I hear my older son say. I peek into his room. He's talking on the phone, pacing the floor, fingering a business card. "You said to call you when I was really fed up. Well, I'm really fed up. Why does he get all the attention? Why does my Mom spend all her time with him? She's too tired to do anything with me. She can't even think long enough to help with my math homework."
Sean's voice becomes more agitated, more urgent. "Then tonight he throws a fit because I beat him at basketball. He yells at me. He screams. I don't want to play with him anymore. But Mom says I have to understand him. I don't want to understand him. I want him to act NORMAL."
I don't need to see the card he's holding to know that Sean called his brother's therapist, Ben, who told him after one of our family sessions, "Call anytime you need to talk. This isn't just about your brother."
But in reality, it is all about his brother Joe needs constant attention. His anxieties derail every family outing. Sean is usually the perfect child, the one with no issues. He plays well with others, never misses school. He possesses maturity beyond his years. Skilled at dodging Joe's verbal bullets, Sean adeptly negotiates disagreements among his peers. His compassion for others comes through in his social activities.
"He would not be who he is without the experience of being Joe's brother," my friend Nan tells me, when I wonder about the impact of Joe's condition on Sean. "He's one of the most tolerant teenagers I've ever met," she goes on to say.
My thoughts come back to Sean's phone call to the therapist who is presumably giving him some sound advice for dealing with his brother. "Yeah, I understand," Sean says with resignation in his voice. "It's just that sometimes I think my whole family is close to breaking. And there's another problem. I get embarrassed when my friends are over and Joe acts up. He swears at me. He hits and kicks me. It's ugly and embarrassing and if I hit him back, I'm the one who gets in trouble because 'I'm older and should know better.' So here's the bottom line Ben. I am tired of being abused by my brother, tired of being embarrassed, and I'm jealous of the time my parents spend with him." There's a long pause and then, "Yeah, I'll think about what you said. Okay, I promise to call you again tomorrow."
After Sean hangs up, I step into his room. In that moment I decide to let Sean know I heard his conversation with Ben. "Was he helpful?" A little startled he replies, "Kinda. Said I should walk away when Joe starts hitting me or swearing at me. Said I could help him help Joe by writing down what triggers Joe's anger. I guess that will help." Sean begins to make his bed. I stop his hands as he pulls the bedcovers forward. I don't know what to say to make it better. I hug him, tell him how much I love him, tell him how much I appreciate how helpful and positive he is, knowing full well that these are probably the wrong things to say and that I am putting even more pressure on him. I can only hope that my friend Nan is right. Sean will grow into a caring, compassionate young man - thanks to his brother.
