Q & A
Children need to know that you love them even when you may not be happy with their misbehavior. When you consistently respond with respect and dignity, it opens pathways to build connections with your child that leads you to work together and helps to develop a sense of self worth.
Once this foundation is established (through developmentally appropriate expectations, encouragement, empathy, empowerment, setting limits/boundaries, etc) you can help them understand the distinction between their identity as a loving, valued child and the behavioral choices they make. When she chooses to misbehave and disregard a set limit, you can remind her that you love her while respectfully giving the consequence.
Establish and demonstrate your confidence in your children so that next time (and there will be a next time) they will have an opportunity to make a different choice.
The more positive reinforcement you give your children (90% of the time) the more they'll understand you love them "no matter WHAT they do."
Comments
When my son was little and dysregulated he thought we loved him less after a meltdown. So, we started playing the I love you game. After a meltdown, I would ask him whether I loved him more or less? He would say less. And, I would say more, because it had been 1 more day and I love him more and more each day. With repetition, he understood.
Posted by: Irene | March 19, 2010 6:25 PM