A Wild Ride: Our Blog

When I became a parent, the last thing I expected was criticism and judgment from other mothers. And yet, time and again that’s exactly what I experienced, especially when my challenging child came along. How did I solve this dilemma? I retreated into our home and rarely ventured out, a very lonely solution.

In honor of this theme, I share with you a piece from one of our birthday contest winners, Amanda one of The Mom Crowd.

Judging Other Mothers

Women have a history of being hard on one another. Moms especially have a lot to be hard on each other about. “Oh, you aren’t breastfeeding?” “You gave your baby cookies for dinner?” “You let your baby watch 2 hours of Baby Einstein videos?” “You use a bumper?” We all have opinions about what pain management moms use during child birth. Each of us has our own style and attitudes about how we raise our children.

We need to support each other as moms and not judge each other. I know I don’t like it when I feel like I am being scrutinized or being told I am doing something wrong. There have been times that I chose not to do something with my baby, because I was afraid of being judged for it.

Being critical of your friends and family hurts your relationships. Speaking your mind does not always build trust. Sometimes friendships end because of criticism and condemnation. Even small remarks add up over time. We are not always aware that we are speaking unkindly to each other. We all put our foot in our mouth at times. Let’s be mindful of the attitudes that we are portraying to each other. In the words of High School Musical, “We’re all in this together!”

Here are 5 ways to help us stop judging other moms:

1. Make a choice not to judge. We need to make a conscious effort to change our attitudes and accept our friends for who they are. Making a choice not to judge will help you remember not to criticize or disparage your friends the next time you speaking about them.

2. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” is the fifth habit of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen Covey. Learning this principal can greatly change the way you engage with other people. We need to try and understand what our friends are going through and the circumstances that made them choose that decision before we even speak. We don’t always have the full story from a blog post or part of a story heard second hand. I have friends that it is their personality to keep their lives private. So when they make a parenting decision, I can’t have an opinion. Seeking to understand what is going on our friends’ lives builds up our relationships and they will feel supported.

3. Stop talking about other moms, even to your spouse. We really need to guard our tongue when it comes to gossip. It is really easy to slip into gossip when you are honestly sharing the latest news of your friend or family member. Sometimes it feels good to talk about other people. It feels good to have someone agree with your point of view. Make a concerted effort with your friends not to talk about each behind each other’s backs. You won’t have to worry about if what you said gets back to your friend and it is better for everyone! There is peace in keeping your comments to yourself.

4. Don’t give advice unless it is requested. This is so hard for me, because I love asking for advice from people. I just assume that everyone is like me, but they aren’t. I need to remember that I shouldn’t give advice or my opinion unless they specifically asked for it. If advice or insight is requested from you, then you have to be careful not to be offended if they don’t take your advice. And visa versa, you shouldn’t be offended if you don’t like the guidance you requested. Counsel and sharing experiences is helpful. Let us make sure we always speak with the law of kindness on our tongue when giving counsel.

5. Celebrate and encourage each other! We all have difficult and enjoyable jobs raising our kids and caring for babies. Be and ear or shoulder when it is needed. I enjoy talking to McKenna and hearing about all the appointments and health updates of her two kids. Tell another mom what a great mom she is! Say it in a card, in person, in an email. I don’t know a mom that doesn’t mind being praised for being a good mom. Drop off or mail a little gift to a friend. Stop by and do her dishes. There are so many ways we can celebrate each other. Lets remember to stop judging and celebrate our victories with one another!

Have you ever felt judged by another mom? Have you ever been offended by someone giving too much advice? Do you make an effort not to judge other moms?

If you wish to answer these questions, contact Amanda on The Mom Crowd.

Read Amanda’s award winning essay What to Expect When Your Mother’s Parenting Isn’t What You Expected on the A Wild Ride Web site.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:59 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

One of my personal favorites in the World of Mom Blogs is CrankMama. The piece below, originally printed on their site, reminds me that even a small gesture of love towards my spouse counts as a token of appreciation.

You’ve heard that Hubs and I have committed to a weekly date night and that so far we’ve only been out once this year. How lame is that?

We’ve also been trying the 30-day trial approach to more intimacy as a couple. While there is some progress, it’s been slow going. I never imagined it would take so much effort to carve out a measly half hour once a day that’s “just for us”.

We definitely don’t deserve gold stars (yet) and I keep thinking that if the flu hadn’t ransacked our happy home, things would be different. We would have more energy to get through the day, and would in turn make finding that “couple time” an exciting and fun priority. Instead, it was beginning to feel like something we felt we had to do so we could check it off the list - like buying groceries or diapers.

Then it occurred to me: maybe we’ve been making too big a production of this. What about the simple pleasures of being in a relationship with someone you adore?

A friend once told me a story about his grandparents who were married for 50 years and fell asleep holding hands - EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. The romance of that tale struck a cord with me.

So last night, even though we were too strung out on cold medicine and sleep deprivation to do more than lay next to each other, we made connecting a priority and fell asleep - holding hands…

Photo © rachatlukum - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:05 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

More of our CyberSpace friends:

Kay Whittenhauer

I found Kay over at Associated Content. If you ask Kay to describe herself, the first word that pops into her head is "mother". Perhaps "full-time mother/part-time office administrator/aspiring writer" is the best way to describe her.

In November she published a great piece on Associated Content titled Spotting and Shaking the Emotionally Needy People in Your Life. For people with challenges of their own, stearing clear of emotionally needed people is important for their own sanity.

To read Kay's piece on A Wild Ride, visit Growing Up, Growing Apart.

***
Slacker Mom on Slacker-moms-r-us.

While researching the Web for ideas when traveling with challenging children, I came across the Blog Slacker-moms-r-us. At first I was not sure of the title. But it turns out Slacker Mom is one of us: "I'm not a lazy parent but I do my best to not sweat the small stuff. Raising children with neurobehavioral issues gives me plenty to keep me on my toes. Falling into the perfect parenting trap leaves me feeling like a failure because my parenting issues are often not the 'norm'."

Slacker Mom wrote two pieces about her vacation for A Wild Ride. Read We're Taking the Kids and Vacation Update for a dose of reality and humor.

Her latest piece I'm Addicted on her own site is so honest it hurts, literally. If your children are into electronics, check it out.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:26 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Jen Zug

In addition to Karen Alaniz, we showcased a number of excellent writers during 2007. These new CyberSpace Friends continue to provide stories and resources on their own Web sites and Blogs.

As we say thank you to these people, please check out their sites.

Whitterer on Autism was our first Guest Blogger with the piece 7 Tips - Coping mechanisms for parents of children who have just been diagnosed with autism.
During 2007,Web site owner McEwen pushed her site to the top of the parenting blog list on Blogs by Women. Congratulations!

In June, Blogger Raelee Peirce, the Founder of Noble Mother, a Parent Coach, and a Parent Educator reminded us to accept our children as they are, even if they don't fit our definition of the "dream" child in her essay My Sprite in Tights.

The first Guest Blogger that I actually met was Jen Zug of This Pile I'm Standing In. Jen wrote several posts for us. Check out her site now for the latest from Jen.

One of my personal favorites was the series titled My So-Called Vacation by Reality Mom (aka Corbin Lewars). In addition to writing for the Blog, Corbin also wrote stories for our Web site, including my favorite The World of Mommies. I noticed that Corbin has not posted on her Web site Reality Mom in awhile. We'll contact her and hopefully she'll return in 2008 as a guest author for A Wild Ride.

We'll honor more of our new CyberSpace Friends all this week.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:02 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Making It Work

Continued from Laying the Foundation for Success:

When a child has a routine of doing his homework at the same place and same time every day, it will become routine. Choose a place that is free from distractions such as a desk in his bedroom or the kitchen table. You should also choose a time that is free from distractions. If his favorite television show is on, he’ll be distracted. So choose a time prior to a desired activity and use it as a reinforcer. If there is a time when the house is relatively quiet, have that be his homework time. If there is a time when your home is alive with activity, stay away from it.

With his folder in front of him, all he has to do now is take out his homework and complete it. And when he is done, he can make an “x” through the due date on his calendar. The calendar on the refrigerator serves as a simple reminder for you, his parent. Teach your child that he is not done with his homework until he has marked it off on the calendar.

In addition to traditional homework, you may want to include the day that his library books are due and due dates for forms sent home for parent signatures such as a field trip permission form.

To encourage independence, buy a digital timer; one that can be set for three or four hours is best. Or use a spare alarm clock set to the same time each day and kept in a prominent place such as the kitchen or living room. Your child will learn that part of his homework routine is to go turn off the timer or alarm clock and then begin his work promptly. A simple reward will ensure that he continue the behavior, even when you’re not watching over him.

By laying the groundwork early, your child will learn to be responsible for his own homework. As time passes, he can use the same skills in Junior High and High School, when homework is even more demanding. The lessons you teach him today create a solid foundation for future success in school.

Read Karen's stories on A Wild Ride and visit her Web site Write Now.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:35 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

“Let’s go through your backpack.” I said innocently.

Zachary tossed the backpack on the sofa and headed for the kitchen.

Unzipping the bag, I reached in and pulled out the contents. Papers, library books and construction paper projects fell to the floor.

“Zach.” I said. “Come back here and help me with this.”

Zach hopped across the floor to me.

“Oh yeah.” He said shuffling through a pile of construction paper. “I remember this.
I need to do a project about insects.”

“A project?” I asked. “What project?”

But he was on to another pile.

“And this math packet-I can’t remember when it’s due.” He said tossing it aside.

Zach has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) so organization isn’t his strong-suit.

Most of this was avoidable, if only I’d taken the time to lay the groundwork for a new school year. So with Zach by my side, we went through the papers and right away I could see some key problems. But more importantly, we came up with some solutions.

Communication – Ongoing conversations with the classroom teacher are a vital part of teaching your child the skills he needs to keep up with his homework. Set up a meeting between you, your child and his teacher. Get a clear understanding of what kind of homework is expected. What day is homework given? When is it due? Is it based on whether your child has finished his work in class or is it given on a regular basis? Take notes and encourage your child to do the same. Before leaving, exchange email addresses with the teacher and ask her to let you know if your child does not turn in a homework assignment on time.

Organization – With notes in hand, it’s time to get organized. You will need three things; a calendar, a pocket-style folder and some colored markers. Make a simple homework calendar on your computer or with a wall calendar that isn’t used for other purposes. Enlist your child’s help. The more he participates in creating the system, the more he will buy into it. Begin by drawing a green square around the date that homework is given. Draw a red square around the due date. If homework is given daily, draw a purple line around each weekday. Make two color-copies of the calendar; put one in a prominent place like the refrigerator and the other in a pocket-style folder.

Cooperation – With the folder system now in place, he is ready to implement the new plan. As soon as your child walks through the door, have him open his backpack and place his homework in the folder. Reward him when he proceeds without reminders. A special after-school snack or activity will encourage him to continue taking responsibility for his homework, without reminders.

Read more from Karen on the A Wild Ride Web site. Look for her new book Chicken Soup for the Nurse's Soul available December 7.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:23 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In keeping with the October theme on the A Wild Ride Web site, Guest Blogger Karen L. Alaniz offers her sweet story Overnight Success.

Other people’s children had been asleep for hours, but my son was still bouncing off the walls. When he was a toddler, he just ran until he could run no more. He was never much of a napper, but when he finally did get tired each night, he’d just fall asleep wherever he was. Then his daddy would carry him up to his room and tuck him into bed. But Joshua was getting older now. He needed to be in bed at a reasonable time, but instead he was jumping off of sofa cushions. I had to figure out a way to help my energetic little boy, so I started with what had worked for his brother and sister- routine.

We started with a warm bath. Next we went to his room where I read him a nice-calm book. Then he said his prayers and I tucked him in tightly saying, “Snug as a bug in a rug.” And finally, I kissed him on the forehead and turned the nightlight on and the overhead light off.

“Nighty-night.” I said on my way out.

There, that was easy, I thought as I settled in with a good novel.

But then I heard the words that every weary mother dreads.

“Mommy, I can’t sleep.” Joshua said from the doorway.

The weeks passed and my resolve weakened, as I began to simply expect that Joshua would follow me back to the living room. I no longer bothered to open the novel. I tried bribing, coaxing and threatening him. Nothing worked. He only fell asleep if I was lying in the bed next to him or if I let him fall asleep on the sofa in the living room. But even then it took him an hour or two to finally succumb to sweet slumber. Finally I realized that there was one thing I hadn’t tried yet - teaching him.

One night after reading to Joshua I stayed in his room.

“I’m going to teach you a trick to help you get to sleep.” I said. “Close your eyes and imagine sheep jumping over a fence. As each one jumps, you’re going to count it until you get to a hundred sheep.”

“Why?” He asked.

“Well I don’t know why. I just know that counting sheep is supposed to help you get to sleep.” I said.

He closed his eyes. I closed mine too.

“Mom.” He said. “I can’t see them.”

“Just keep concentrating and you’ll see them.” I said.

After a while he started to count…out loud.

“Joshua.” I said. “Count to yourself.”

Half a minute passed.

“One hundred!” He exclaimed.

“A hundred?” I asked. “Joshua, you did not get to a hundred that fast.”

“Yes I did.” He argued.

“You couldn’t have.” I argued right back.

“But I did.” He insisted.

“Joshua. I was counting too and I was only on 10.” I explained.

“Well my sheep are faster than yours.” He said. “Mine were racing.”

No more explanation was necessary.

Next week on the Blog: Karen's Personal Sleep Strategies. In the meantime, check out Sleep Strategies on A Wild Ride.

Karen L. Alaniz is a freelance writer. She has also written a book, Breaking the Code-A Daughter's Journey. When she isn't writing, she is enjoying life with her three children, two cats, one dog and a few visiting birds. Visit Karen's site Write Now.

Photo © Jaimie Duplass - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:25 PM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

From our regular contributor Jen Zug. Check out her site: The Pile I’m Standing in. Sinking Deeper Every Day

Some days it's better to just stay in denial

During a string of particularly bad days concerning my four year old daughter's behavior this summer, I vented to my girlfriend that I thought I was raising a future serial killer. At the time she was bullying and intimidating other kids, and finding great enjoyment in watching the reaction of others as they writhed in frustration under her torturous powers.

It's like an experiment to her, a social experiment - perhaps she's on the road toward a sociology research degree. Or maybe it's pure entertainment and all she needs is a comfy chair and a bag of popcorn.

Regardless, I really do think she enjoys pushing other people's buttons, then watching the ensuing explosion. Reducing others (including her mother) to a fit of tears is her idea of a good time.

And the remorse? Oiy, the lack of remorse is, at best, disturbing.

So I vented to my friend, exaggerating, I'm sure, in my emotionally heightened feelings of failure as a mother - wondering, also, which gene pool this behavior came from.

The very pragmatic advice my friend gives me?

"Eh, you shouldn't worry. If she starts torturing small animals, THEN you have something to worry about."

Um, do TOY animals count in that equation???

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:39 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

New Year-New Friends

Before you have a chance to ask, “How was your day?” your child bombards you with a description of his new friend, barely slowing down to take a breath. “He just moved here.” He says. “We sit right next to each other in class and we played together at every recess. He lives a few blocks away. Can he come over to play on Saturday?”

It’s that last sentence that sends a chill down your spine and dread to your soul. To most parents, this would be just another grade-school experience. But for the parent of a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) it is something more.

Your child may have difficulty making and keeping friends for a variety of reasons. He may be too controlling, wanting his friend to only do what he wants, or perhaps he is aggressive or unable to focus, bouncing from one activity to another. While many parents have other children over to play without even thinking, the same is not true when you have a child with ADHD.

So take a deep breath, say “yes” to your little bundle of energy and make a plan for success. Children with challenges benefit from a parent who takes control. With a little planning, your child’s play-date will be enjoyable for everyone involved-including you. The following are some ways you can ensure that your little one has friendships to last the school year and beyond.

Where to Meet

You know your child best. Assess where you believe he will have the most success. Is he more anxious at others homes? Then set up a play date on his home-turf. Does he have a very hard time sharing her toys? Then set up the first play-date at the other child’s house. Is he bubbling over with energy? Then choose a place where he can run, jump and climb, such as a park or a children’s museum. The place you choose sets the stage for what will happen there.

When to Meet

Time of day is another important thing to consider. If your child is full of energy in the mornings but more subdued in the afternoons, meet in the afternoon. If your child’s ability to cope is influenced by their medication, arrange for the play-date to take place at the optimum time.

Talk it out

Before his friend arrives, talk through what it will be like. Talk about what your expectations are and give him a chance to talk about his. Discuss any rules you might have and what will happen if they are broken. When his friend arrives, go over the rules with him as well.

The Play-Date

Keep it short. One hour is plenty of time for the first play-date. It’s always better to leave on a good note than to prolong it and risk having to intervene in a negative way- dragging your child from the scene kicking and screaming. So don’t overdo it the first couple of times. You can always add fifteen minutes to subsequent play-dates. The goal is for both children have fun, and leave happy.

Plan more than one activity. Your child and his friend may be completely absorbed in building with Legos one minute, only to cry in unison, “We’re bored” the next. Be prepared for the inevitable. It’s always better to plan more activities than not enough.

Food-The Great Equalizer

If the kids are getting wound up or they are beginning to get on each other’s nerves, bring out a prepared snack. “Snack time!” announced energetically, is sure to snap them out of their funk. If you meet in a home, bring out pre-cut cheese and crackers. If you are meeting outdoors, bring along snack-sized bags of pretzels and juice boxes.

Teachable Moments

If you’re lucky, there won’t be any conflicts. But, as the parent of a challenging child, luck probably isn’t your strong suit. You can lessen conflicts by being prepared. Unfortunately, this is not the time to sit back with a cup of coffee and a good book. As the parent of a child with ADHD, it is likely that your only time to relax is when your child is asleep.

At the first sign of a conflict, move closer to the children. Listen and watch carefully. Does it sound like they are solving it themselves? If so, let it be. If not, sit down next to them and say something like, “Jimmy looks angry. How do you think we can help him be happy again?” If your child, or the friend can’t come up with a solution, ask simply, “Jimmy, would you be happy if you had a turn playing with that truck?” Set a timer for turn-taking. When the conflict is resolved, move away again. Don’t be too quick to intervene unless it is an issue that your child has had trouble with previously or if safety is an issue.

Time’s Up

Fifteen minutes before junior’s mother is due to arrive, give a warning, “You have fifteen minutes left to play.” That way, both children know that their time is winding down. Remind them that they will be able to get together another time. Five minutes before Mom’s arrival, make the announcement again and steer the children to a calm activity. It is always easier to separate (for both kids) when it’s a less-desirable activity they’re leaving. When Junior’s mom arrives, give the kid’s time to say goodbye and again remind them that they can play together again soon.

De-Briefing

Later, when your child is relaxed, talk about all the things they did right. “I noticed you shared your favorite Army Guy with your friend. That’s what good friends do, they share with each other. You sure are a good friend.” Also talk about the snags, “You had a really hard time when Junior wanted to play on the swingset and you didn’t. You stomped your feet and made a mad face.” But leave off on a positive note. “I bet next time you’ll do better.”

With a little planning, your child’s friendships will grow and blossom. And as time passes, he will be more and more able to handle them on his own. But for now, you can help ensure that the seeds of friendship are planted and cared for.

Karen L. Alaniz is a freelance writer. She has also written a book, Breaking the Code-A Daughter's Journey. When she isn't writing, she is enjoying life with her three children, two cats, one dog and a few visiting birds. Visit Karen's site Write Now.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:09 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

© Emin Ozkan - Fotolia.com

Growing Up, Growing Apart

I tended bar for quite a few years, which meant I listened to other people’s problems for quite a few years. I didn’t mind, though. I’m a people person at heart and I actually enjoyed the camaraderie that my work atmosphere provided. I would oftentimes get unsolicited parenting advice from my customers, which I appreciated. It’s good to connect with people who have “been there, done that”. But most of the time they would tell me their problems.

A recurrent theme to parenting problems seemed to be that kids got to an age where they didn’t want to be around their parents anymore. As the parent of a toddler, I would tell them that that was normal. They’re establishing their independence. You don’t want a teen that clings to you, do you? Clinging wouldn’t be normal. I was young enough, at that time, to remember having gone through it myself.

I can remember wanting to completely disassociate myself with my mother. I had my own friends, my own interests, and my own opinions. I didn’t want my mother hovering around; putting in her two-cents worth; and worst of all, being a reflection on me! I was my own person and I needed my space. I also needed to have my laundry done, my meals prepared, and the house cleaned. Oh yeah, some money, unlimited use of the phone, and a few rides; but that was beside the point.

So, the rational side of me knows that this is a rite of passage in our culture. But now that it’s happening to me, I’m absolutely heart-broken.

It started with my son planning to have friends over, as he had a thousand times before. I asked him what they were going to do, and he told me. Then he added that I might want to go to my room and watch TV while they were here. My eyes bugged out a little, but I took it in stride. He’s growing up. He wants to be with his friends alone. It was actually kind of cute, in a way, so I was OK with it.

Fast-forward a year. Now he’s twelve. He NEVER wants me around his friends, unless it’s to get snacks for the guys, watch them in the pool, or build a campfire in the backyard. Otherwise, it’s “See ya later, Mom!” The behavior’s not cute anymore, it’s sad. I feel bad for telling my customers that it’s normal. I didn’t realize how empty it can make a parent feel.
There are times, though, when we’re alone and he does talk to me. Too many times the talks are about what he wants me to buy him, but sometimes we have nice talks. Sometimes he tells me what they did, and I see the delight in his eyes. Last week all the boys came racing up the driveway on their bikes to show me a turtle that they had found. It warmed my heart. But just as quickly as they came, they left. They had to go show Jonathon’s father.

I love the times when he’s happy to be around me. One morning at breakfast, my son told me that he had had a really weird dream the night before. I was pleased that he was sharing with me. I’m really into dream analysis and I believe that our dreams hold great significance in our lives.

“What happened in the dream?” I asked.

“We were all downtown in the car,” he told me.

“Who’s 'we'?"

“Me, Nate, Jonathon. We were stopped at a stop light and a cow wanted to get in the car.”

“A cow?”

“Yeah, a cow.”

“Were you scared of it?”

“No, it was just there. Then we went to your work and the cow followed us. It kept ringing the doorbell.”

“Did you let it in?”

“No. It was just weird that a cow was hanging around us.”

“Hmm,” I told him. “I don’t know what a cow means. I’m going to look it up.”

So I looked it up in my dream book (a much-cherished gift that my son picked out for my birthday a few years ago). It turns out that a cow symbolizes “The eternal feminine, especially the mother, or mother figure. This is partly because it provides milk and nourishment.” Oh my god, I’m the cow! You think it’s weird that I’m hanging around all the time. Ouch.

We often learn life’s lessons the hard way. In this case, I think the powers-that-be tried to break it to me gently. It doesn’t make it any easier, it just makes it that much harder to deny.

About Kay: If you ask Kay to describe herself, the first word that pops into her head is "mother". Perhaps "full-time mother/part-time office administrator/aspiring writer" is the best way to describe her. Kay earned a bachelors degree in advertising (1989), and aspired to be a copywriter. But with no job offers and bills to pay, Kay's life took another route.
Aside from raising her son, she is currently employed at her church. She is active in PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) and her son's Boy Scout troop. She turned 40 this year and decided to give writing another try. Her first step was to become a content producer on www.associatedcontent.com.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:20 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I love my Blogging job. Not only do I have the privilege to spend hours researching and writing on a topic that effects millions of mothers, I also enjoy the opportunity to meet other moms and share their thoughts and stories. Sometimes I meet these moms in person (like Jen Zug at The Pile I'm Standing In). Sometimes through the Blogosphere.

Today one of our readers posted this comment in response to Jen’s essay Teachable Moments:

“What a great story, Jen. Thanks for sharing it and reminding us to stay in the moment.”

I noticed that the comment came from Kirsten at Mommy Needs a Cocktail ‘Cause Sometimes the Brownies Just Won’t Do the Trick.

To me, sarcasm is a beautiful thing and often helps me get through the day. Immediately drawn to Kirsten's site by the title alone, I read her latest entries and laughed out loud. (Laughter = Therapy)

So, if you haven’t discovered Mommy Needs a Cocktail yet, check it out. Here’s the beginning of a piece many-a-mom can appreciate. The title: blame it all on the father found in half-assed parenting (I love it!).

We had a little incident while on vacation. Other than the usual great aunt making outrageous comments, to include “I want to take a picture of your children when they AREN’T crying. Is there any way you can guarantee that?” Clearly my children are very perceptive when it comes to people. Believe you me. I would have been crying if it hadn’t been socially taboo to do so.

Read more…

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:26 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Returning from a week's vacation (more on that later), I panicked when I saw 382 email messages waiting for me in my Inbox. As I sifted through the junk mail my Spam filter did not pick up, the work email, the personal email and the school email, I came across this gem from The Pile I'm Standing In author Jen Zug. Enjoy this gentle reminder to slow down. ~ Elizabeth

Teachable Moments

One day a few weeks ago I was busy preparing our family of four to go on a five day camping trip. It often feels like my kids' clingy-ness is exponentially related to my inability to make time for them. They can sense that I don't have time for snuggles, which only makes them more demanding for a snuggle.

On a beautiful day when she would otherwise be content to play in the yard, my four year old daughter, Ruthie, was particularly clingy to me in the house. She whined, she begged to be held, she pushed her brother and made him cry, and she threw her toys around angrily.

Exasperated and stressed about managing her while still trying to Get Things Done, I needed a little perspective, so I phoned my husband for help. "Why don't you set the timer and give Ruthie fifteen minutes of your undivided attention?" he suggested. "And then move on to the next thing you have to get done."

I was skeptical at first, and prepared myself for the mile she would take at the offering of my inch.

Ruthie chose for us to color together during our fifteen minutes. She had her coloring book, I had mine, and we shared the crayons while we talked. As expected, Ruthie's arm began venturing over to my page as she attempted to make dark scribbles across my picture. Expecting this behavior from her, I blocked her hand and reminded her that she had her own page to color. Again, she tried to mark my page.

Feeling the anger swell in me, I fought against the disappointment of not having a 'normal' daughter who can participate in an activity without being destructive. I was sure our fifteen minutes would end with frustration, screaming, tears, and a time out – and that was just how I was feeling!

But this time something gripped me – likely the silence in my mind of not feeling like I was supposed to be doing something else, as this was fifteen minutes of time I had dedicated to Ruthie. As she once again tried to mar my page, I engaged her in conversation about her behavior - something I normally don't have the patience to do in my chronic multi-tasking.

"Ruthie, when you try to ruin my picture by marking across the page," I said, "it makes it not very fun to be around you."

Silence.

"Instead of trying to destroy my picture," I continued, "why don't you focus on creating your own picture? It's much better to be a creator than a destroyer."

She seemed to be warming up to this idea, and didn't bother my picture again. We continued coloring and talking, and when the timer went off I returned to the kitchen to make dinner without protest from the kids.

So much of my frustration in parenting a challenging child stems from my own impatience with her, and from my lack of focus on the moment. I have resisted the idea that parenting Ruthie takes more patience, more focus, and more organization than other children, or even than her brother.

But on this day I learned the value in slowing down. It opened the door for a teachable moment.

Photo © Scott Rothstein - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 10:23 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Our first Guest Blogger is McEwen (Whitterer on Autism). McEwen offers us seven coping tips that apply to any parent dealing with a challenging child -- no diagnosis necessary.

7 Tips - Coping mechanisms for parents of children who have just been diagnosed with autism

1. Make sure that you are alone. Scream as loudly as your lungs permit, for as long as you are able. Cry until you are incoherent. Ensure that you have an adequate supply of tissues. [translation = several catering sized boxes of Kleenex]

2. Take a damp cloth and wipe your face until your breathing returns to approximately normal. [translation = your regular breathing rate]

3. Visit or phone a true pal [translation = friend] and/ or relative [translation = family member] and talk. Advise them that you are likely to blub [translation = weep] and that they do not need to respond, merely listen.

4. Start reading the paperwork that the professional who diagnosed your child gave you. N.B. If the pile of paper is too heavy to carry skip to the ‘recommendations’ page. N.B.B. make sure that you have a medical dictionary with a large font size at your elbow for reference.

5. If you find that your brain has shriveled to the size of a pea and that you are incapable of taking in technical information, push the paper work to one side and go and do your favourite thing instead. If you discover that your favourite thing is not working, do not worry, normal service will be resumed in the future.

6. I tell you truly that things will improve and that you CAN do this.

7. Seek out aforementioned child/[ren], the same child/[ren] who now owns a new label. Hug and kiss that same child/[ren] with or without labels.

On her blog, McEwen says about herself: I'm an "ex-pat from the UK. Middle aged, bifocaled and technically challenged. My Significant Other and I currently enjoy fragile custody of 3 minors and a major, two girls, two boys, two with blue eyes, two with brown eyes, two with autism, two without." Visit Whitterer on Autism for more of her wisdom and humor.

Have an idea or question for the blog, send it to Elizabeth.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:24 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I saw her across the room. She wore a t-shirt, Stay-at-home Blogger, a dead giveaway that she’s a MOM. Our eyes met.

“You’re a Mom,” I shouted over the cocktail party din of the KOMO-TV/Blogger Meet Up in Seattle.

Turns out, she’s not only a Mom but a Mom of a Challenging Child -- she’s one of us!

Her name is Jen Zug, and she writes a Blog: The Pile I’m Standing in. Sinking Deeper Every Day. She lives near Seattle with her husband, two kids, and a dog named Scout.

Jen writes: “Recently, within a year’s time I had lost a close family member to cancer, given birth to my second child, plunged into a depression, discovered I had a rage problem, nearly left my husband, and came THIS close to abandoning my children at Wal-Mart.

I also rediscovered my love for writing, which may have saved my sanity.” Read more of Jen's bio.

Jen’s site is crisp, clean and honest. Funny. A bit of dark humor. I personally relate to her sense of reality, desperation, and the need for self-care. I believe other mothers will too.

Her essay Dragonfly Green illustrates how even the most difficult child, the “one who must destroy,” can transcend her normal frenetic state and stop to exam the beauty of the dragonfly.

In another piece, Please-secure-your-own-mask-before assisting others , Jen comments:

“I find that when I’m not getting small pockets of time to recharge my energy, I start obsessing about being alone. I get grouchy with my kids just for standing in the room, I show disappointment that they are awake from their naps, I’m gruff as I rush them off to bed, and I find myself wishing Bryan was still in San Jose. I scratch and claw at anyone who asks something of me.

I’m not excusing my behavior, but I am becoming more aware of what triggers it."

Now this is someone I can relate to! Check out her site: The Pile I’m Standing in. Sinking Deeper Every Day

Jen, I hope to hear from you again! ~ Elizabeth

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:30 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I can relate completely! We returned to Maui last May with our 2 year old. The last time we had been there we were in our 20's sans child. I oscillated between wanting to go home and berating myself for wanting to go home the entire time! ~ Sarah

Any other vacation stories from readers? We love to hear from you! ~ Elizabeth

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:04 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Reality Mom (a.k.a. author Corbin Lewars) shares memories of her "so-called vacation" in Hawaii. Click below to read:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

We ran back to the car, dried ourselves off, and looked at the map for more inspiration. “We could go to the park, no never mind. Oh, there’s a botanical garden, no that won’t work. The fern grotto? No. Hmm, maybe we should just go out to lunch.” The tourists were partly right. When it rains eighteen inches in one day, there isn’t a lot to do in Kauai.

After we ate lunch, rivers of rain were pouring down the streets so we gave up on sight seeing. It was a wise decision, because an hour after we returned to our condo we heard that they closed part of the highway and we would not have been able to return home. We were still putting on a brave front, but I don’t think I would have survived torrential rains, no sleep, and being homeless while on vacation.

We never thought the rain would last for days. Come on, it’s Hawaii, the place you go to feel the sun. Fortunately, it didn’t rain the entire time, but it never got sunny again either. We were still able to go to the beach and to the pool, but we spent a lot more time playing in the sand than actually swimming. When Little Dude asked to go swimming we’d say, “You want to go in the hot tub? It’s warm in the hot tub.” Once he grew tired of that, we took turns shivering while swimming with Little Dude.

Just as I never should have looked at the alarm clock in the middle of the night, I also should never have listened to my dad when he talked about the weather. Ignorance was proving to be the best solution. I had falsely thought we had a bit of rain, but lots more sunny days until my dad said, “So out of ten days we have had three days of sun. I guess that’s not too bad.” Three days! That’s all! That’s awful! Once I heard that, I started my own calculations. So, little to no sleep for ten nights equals 100 hours of sheer agony. Plus the plane flight here and following migraine, add another fourteen hours of hell. As for hours of sheer, vacation joy, hmmm, let me think. Oh yes, there was that one hour when both kids were asleep in the condo and Jason and I got to go swimming together and have an uninterrupted conversation. That was nice. So, 114 hours of agony and one hour of pure joy. Those aren’t very good statistics.

By the end of the vacation, the lagoon outside of my parents’ condo resembled a lake, hills had crumbled causing houses to slide into the ocean, and people had even died. I had run out of ideas and patience for Odo’s night wakings and was cursing her frequently. After a night of sobbing, I handed her to Jason in the morning and said, “Get her out of here quick!” We were ready to go home. Even if going home meant another twelve-hour travel day and then facing more rain, a destroyed house due to angry, left-behind cats, and very cold temperatures, we didn’t care. At least I wouldn’t be sliding into the ocean. Or tempted to throw my daughter into the ocean.

Once we got home Odo started to sleep for five, six, even seven hours in a row and I started to feel human again. I was glad to be home, but was still disappointed about our so-called vacation. I felt as if I had gone out to a restaurant, spent a few hours there and paid the bill without actually being able to eat anything.

It so happened that several people I knew also went to Hawaii around the time that we did, but most of them went to Maui instead. As I listened to them describe their days of drinking coffee while basking in the sun on their lanai, snorkeling, swimming with sea turtles, hiking in the volcano, going out to eat at fabulous restaurants, going on a whale watching tour, and generally enjoying themselves immensely my only response was, “Oh, so you had a real vacation.”

To read more from Corbin Lewars, visit Reality Mom.

Read all five parts of My So-Called Vacation in Guest Bloggers.

Photo © Graça Victoria

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:32 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Reality Mom (a.k.a. author Corbin Lewars) shares memories of her "so-called vacation" in Hawaii. Click below to read:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three

I wondered if she was teething and tried dosing her with baby Tylenol. When that didn’t help, I tried wearing her out during the day. When that didn’t help, I let her sleep as much as possible, thinking sleep breeds sleep. It didn’t and I started running out of ideas. I was also running out of patience. One night I crawled into bed at 6:00 p.m. because that is when Odo fell asleep and I had told myself I had to sleep when she slept, otherwise I wasn’t going to get any sleep. But who wants to go to bed at 6:00? Especially when on vacation. I gave up on another one of my half-baked ideas and began the downward spiral into insanity.

So far, I had managed to be somewhat civil and happy without any sleep. I think I was fueled by each and every one of my “new plans” to get Odo to sleep. Hope was keeping me pleasant. Plus, I was on vacation and I wanted to enjoy it. But then the rain came and washed away all hopes of salvaging the vacation and my sanity.

The southern part of Kauai claims that it only gets eight inches of rainfall a year. We had eighteen inches in one day. Living in Seattle made me think I knew something about rain, but I had never experienced rain like this. It was the mother of all rains. When we ran from our car to the condo, a mere twenty feet, it looked like we just stepped out of the shower. Sidewalks became huge puddles and when I stepped in these reservoirs, I found myself knee-deep in water. Hotel rooms flooded and bridges were washed out. This wasn’t your typical Hawaii sprinkle a little bit, but don’t bother leaving the beach because it will be over in a few minutes.

This was Mother Nature at her strongest and it made me feel very humble sitting on a very small piece of land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

When I lived in Kauai and tourists said, “There isn’t much to do here is there?” I would scoff at them. “How can they say that?” I’d say to my friends, “You can go hiking, snorkeling, view gardens, go sailing, swimming, look for dolphins, ride your bike along the old cane roads…” I would rattle on. But that is because it never rained a lot when I lived in Kauai. All of the activities I mentioned and participated in happen outdoors.

I remembered that feeling when it started to rain on our vacation. I didn’t let it phase me and said, “It’s all right. We don’t have to go to the beach every day. Let’s go sightseeing.” We packed the kids up in the car and headed out to look at waterfalls. When we stepped out of the car to look at the waterfall, a gale force wind almost knocked us over. Within a minute we were dripping wet and I was afraid the wind was going to carry Little Dude away or at least knock him over the very steep cliff we were on. We didn’t even attempt to take Odo out of the car, fearing that her little body would be whisked away immediately. She sat in her car seat and looked at us dubiously. As if she was saying, “What in the world are you guys doing out there? Can’t you see it’s raining?”

To read more from Corbin Lewars, visit Reality Mom.

Read Part 5 tomorrow on the A Wild Ride Blog.

Photo © Adam Walter

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:26 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Reality Mom (a.k.a. author Corbin Lewars) shares memories of her "so-called vacation" in Hawaii. Click here to read Part One and Part Two. ~ Elizabeth

One day Jason was walking around with the kids and a latte in his hands. Other tired parents crawled out of the woodwork and accosted him. “Where did you get that?” they asked with the crazed look of junkies. “The Marriott has an espresso stand in the lobby…” Jason started to explain, but the addicts were already running away to get their fix. He understood their need, so he didn’t mock them. The day Jason found the espresso stand was the happiest I saw him on the whole vacation.

Although I enjoyed lying around the pool with “my people,” and playing in the sand with Little Dude, I still didn’t feel completely relaxed. I kept waiting for that “Ahh, we’re on vacation,” feeling, but it wasn’t happening. I had glimpses of it, such as when we settled into our condo (after moving three times) or when I went swimming in the warm ocean, but it wasn’t an overall feeling. It was a glimmer.

We had not thought about what it would be like to be on vacation with a four-month-old who wants to spend most of her time sleeping. And when she is sleeping, she prefers not to be rained on, cooked in the sun, or trampled on by other eager vacationers. We got ourselves synchronized a little bit better and we also started enlisting the help of my parents. My father doesn’t like the beach very much, so he was happy to sit on his deck and read the paper while Odo took her morning nap. This helped immensely because I was starting to think I was going to spend the majority of my vacation inside waiting for Odo to wake up. I liked my new condo, but not that much.

When we got to the beach, my mom would often build sand castles with Little Dude and help him make “soup” out of sand, seaweed and water. She also did almost all of the grocery shopping and meal planning. You would think with all of this help, Jason and I would have been kicking back in chaise lounges with cool drinks in our hands saying to one another, ‘This is paradise.” I can’t remember that ever happening. Instead, I remember us looking at one another and saying, “This is hard. Why is this so hard?” And that was before the island was almost swept away by rain and before I almost voluntarily went with it due to lack of sleep.

Half way through the vacation, I grew suspicious that Odo was waking up a lot throughout the night. At home, she had only been waking up once or twice a night, but it seemed like in Kauai I was feeding her several times a night. I hadn’t paid a lot of attention to just how many times she was waking up, because I was too tired. It was easier to roll over half asleep and feed her then to fully wake up and acknowledge how often she was crying. But after a few days of this my curiosity, and fatigue, got the best of me. I made the dreadful mistake of looking at the clock every time Odo woke up and learned that she was waking up every two hours, or sometimes every hour. Once I knew that, all hopes of sleeping were crushed for me. I tossed and turned in nervous anticipation of when the shrieking would start again. I couldn’t let her cry for very long, because there were no solid doors or windows in our condo. Odo has an incredibly loud voice and I can hear her a block away, even through solid doors and windows, so I didn’t want to risk waking up Little Dude, Jason, and all of our two hundred closest neighbors. So when she screamed, I grabbed her and fed her.

To read more from Corbin Lewars, visit Reality Mom.

Read Part Four tomorrow on the A Wild Ride Blog.

Photo © Mariusz Blach

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:17 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Reality Mom (a.k.a. author Corbin Lewars) shares memories of her "so-called vacation" in Hawaii. Click here to read Part One. ~ Elizabeth

To read more from Corbin, visit Reality Mom.

Once we made it to the condo, with Odo screaming for a large portion of the drive there, I took the kids to the beach while Jason scoured for food. I tried to relax and be grateful that we were finally here, but instead I felt depressed. I lived in Kauai about fifteen years ago and I remember always feeling relaxed and rejuvenated as soon as the plane landed at the airport. One whiff of the ever present plumeria and I would smile and say, “It feels so good to be here.” I kept waiting for that to happen, but instead I found myself fighting back tears. And they weren’t tears of joy.

It was raining and cool outside, but I told myself that could change any moment. The condo was dark and dank, complete with blue shag carpet, worn, rough furniture, and dark wood paneling. It felt reminiscent of an awful seventies apartments I had rented while a student, not like a tropical home away from home. I told myself it didn’t matter because we would be spending most of our time outdoors. But when Jason returned with dinner, he found me in the bathtub with both kids crying. He asked what was wrong and I replied, “This condo is a dump. The kids are about to lose it, I am exhausted, and my head is killing me. I thought it would feel so good to be here, but instead I just feel sad and disappointed.” Jason told me we all had our hard times throughout the day and that it was my turn to lose it. He reassured me that every thing would seem better in the morning.

I did feel better in the morning, but the condo didn’t seem any brighter. In fact, it seemed darker and danker once it was light outside. As soon as the kids woke up, at the ungodly hour of six thirty, thanks to the cacophony of birds and bullfrogs outside our condo, I called the receptionist where we checked in. I politely inquired about a different condo and she said she would get back to me later in the afternoon. We ate breakfast and headed to the beach. Just as we lathered the kids up with sun block and spread all of our provisions out on towels, Odo started to rub her eyes and whimper. “Huh,” I thought, “What do I do with her now?” She was in obvious need of a nap, yet the only place I could lay her down was on the ground, where she would alternately be rained on and blinded by the sun. I couldn’t find any shade, nor could I think of a solution to the problem, so I walked her back to the condo.

When she woke up, I met Jason and Little Dude at the pool where they were eating lunch. The vacation was definitely taking an upswing. The receptionist had offered us a different condo, which felt brighter and cheerier, the sun had come out, and my parents were going to arrive any minute. I figured the doom and gloom was behind us and felt confident that with the sun shining and the adults outnumbering the kids two to one, we were going to enjoy our vacation.

I looked around the pool and felt comforted by the other exhausted, pale, sort of tense, but trying to relax parents playing with their kids. I was in my twenties when I lived in Kauai and I used to laugh at all of these tourists with their glow in the dark skin and endless supply of gear. I constantly tried to prove my “localness” by separating myself from “Howlies,” especially, pale, flabby, tourists. But now I was a pale, flabby tourist and it felt nice being amongst my people. When I waved to Little Dude sliding down the slide and noticed my under arm fat waving back at me, I didn’t mind. When I looked down at my legs and was nearly blinded by their whiteness, I didn’t mind. I may be fat, pale, and exhausted, but at least I was among people who understood.

To read more from Corbin Lewars, visit Reality Mom.

Read Part Three tomorrow on the A Wild Ride Blog.

Photo © Graça Victoria

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:56 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Reality Mom (a.k.a. author Corbin Lewars) shares memories of her "so-called vacation" in Hawaii. As I read this piece the first time, I nodded with self-recognition. Been there, done that, bought TWO T-shirts. What I like most about this piece is its humor based in reality -- or should I say "dark" humor? ~ Elizabeth

To read more from Corbin, visit Reality Mom.

My So-Called Vacation (Part 1 of 5)

After months of housebound rainy days, Jason and I were really looking forward to our planned trip to Kauai. We couldn’t wait to be warm, go swimming in the ocean, and to feel the sun for the first time in months. But that was all we thought about, being warm. We didn’t think about what going on vacation with a four-month-old and three-year-old would be like or what flying for six hours, having a three-hour layover, and then flying again would be like. In fact, we didn’t even know that was what we were going to do until the night before our trip when we looked at our itinerary. “Why the hell are we spending over three hours in Honolulu when there are flights to Kauai every forty minutes?” I asked. But there was nothing we could do about it at that point seeing as it was ten o’clock at night and we were supposed to be leaving for the airport in a mere seven hours, which was another not so well thought out part of our plan.

Ever since we had Odo we don’t think, nor do we plan. It is the curse of being a second time parent. Maybe we are falsely confident that we know what we are doing and are prepared because we already have a child. We are proving to be dreadfully wrong. The day Odo was born we opened up our closet to see all of the birth supplies we had gathered, but never used. “Huh,” we said, “I guess those would have come in handy a few hours ago.” A few days later, we went to give our newborn baby girl a bath only to find out that we didn’t have a baby bath. “I thought we had two of them,” I explained to Jason. Not only did we not have a baby bath, we also didn’t have very many clothes for her to wear once she was out of the bath. Again, my lame excuse was, “I thought we had bags and bags of baby clothes in the basement.”

Our trip to Kauai started out the same exact way. I didn’t think about what it was going to be like to have to wake up at five in the morning to catch a plane, nor what it would be like to wake my children up at that hour. Nor what it would be like to spend twelve hours traveling with them.

The kids proved to be better travelers than I, which is no surprise. When we woke Little Dude up to catch the plane, his first words were, “That was a quick nap!” Odo just grinned at us and squealed with delight all the way to the airport. Once we were on the plane Little Dude entertained himself with books and toy animals and Odo squealed, nursed, and slept a bit. When we arrived in Honolulu many hours later, I had the audacity to say, “That wasn’t so bad.”

We went to a restaurant for lunch, where I made the mistake of drinking my lunch. I had just spent the last six hours being trapped in a two feet by two feet area with nothing to do but nurse my baby, play with plastic animals, and eat, so I was not hungry. But I was really craving a beer, so that is what I had for lunch. The biggest, coldest, best beer I have ever had.

Unfortunately, I was already dehydrated from flying and being a milk factory and the beer didn’t help any. An hour into our three-hour layover I got a migraine headache. About a half an hour later, Jason had a migraine as well and we both felt nauseous. We sat in chairs chugging water while Little Dude ran around the airport talking to anyone and everyone who was under three feet tall and Odo defied all rationale by staying awake for five times longer than she ever does.

A few hours later, we arrived in Kauai and I cheered, “Yeah that’s over! Now we can relax.” But I was wrong-again. I forgot that we had to get our luggage, rent a car, find the condo, and even once we were in that condo, we had to find some food because our kids were on borrowed time. They were running on pure adrenaline and that drug was about to wear off. They needed to eat and go to bed, fast, otherwise they were no longer going to be our darling children, they were going to be the devil incarnate. And there would be two of them.

Read Part 2 tomorrow on the A Wild Ride Blog.

Photo © Glenn Young

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:44 AM in Guest Bloggers | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)