From my all-time favorite author and humorist, Erma Bombeck:
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
My oldest son is relieved that I no longer call him by his Aunt's name. But then again he's a teenager, so now he's unhappy that I call him at all.
For some of us, okay, MOST of us, it's been a rough week. For a humorous reality check, I often turn to my friends Patty and Gina over at Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid.
Extreme Makeover Bipolar edition
As parents of a teenage bipolar daughter, my husband must always find ways to “roll with the punches”.
“Mom! Jennifer’s punching a picture of you!” screamed my son.
“That’s OK, I look fat in that one!”
The key to survival, of course, is to try and find the silver lining among some pretty dark clouds. Sometimes it’s easier than others, particularly when she employs one of her most proven coping techniques – cleaning and re-arranging her room. Often, when I enter her room to give her a goodnight kiss, I’m never quite sure, just where I’ll find her bed—or her. My husband and I are in agreement—-until she starts using power tools, this is a healthy way for her to release her anger and frustration.
I got the opportunity to see this plan in action last weekend when she became upset after some problems with her friends. She was growing increasingly agitated, as we discovered when we were attempting to collect the children to take them to my sister’s house for a birthday party for her little cousin.
“Come on Jenn! It’s time to go to Emmy’s party!” I quietly announced.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I HATE YOU! I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE! she screeched.
Upon hearing her less than cheerful tone, my husband and I did the only thing good parents would do — we ditched her – leaving her alone to cool down. . Of course, she did manage to keep in touch by calling my cell phone no less than 27 times.
When we returned several hours later, I wasn’t sure what I would find or even if my house would still be standing.
As we walked into the kitchen, my husband and I were amazed.
“Wow!” exclaimed my husband, “she cleaned the entire kitchen.”
“Gee, how did she get that nasty grease spot off the stove?” I asked.
“When did you buy that bookcase?” my husband asked.
“I didn’t, but Jenn is right, it looks much better on that wall. And I really like how she put the sectional on the North wall. She’s really got a knack for this.”
My husband and I were amazed. The house had never looked better – which gave us a brilliant idea.
“Oh Jennifer!” we called in unison.
With her head down, she sauntered into the kitchen.
“Yes?” she asked still afraid to make eye contact.
“We’re having friends over on Saturday. Do you suppose we could schedule a meltdown for Friday afternoon?”
Read more from Patty & Gina on their Blog.
You don't have to have 10 children to appreciate this one:
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
In keeping with the sense of humor theme, I offer you a Meme. Basically the definition of a Meme is a transfer of information (isn't that a Blog?). Earlier this month I joined a social network of Bloggers (many of whom also know the struggles of parenting challenging children). Through this organization, I have been tagged by Churp, Churp: I'm an oxymoron: a libidinous, infertile mom and am now expected to produce a meme. So here goes!
First I must post the rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your Blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird things about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their Blogs. (Because our readers are parents, I randomly chose parent blogs.)
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their Blog.
Then list seven random (and humourous) comments about myself:
1. I am not the perfect mother. In fact there are many times when I feel like the Baroness in the Sound of Music. Remember the scene when she tries to play with the VonTrapp children and fails miserably? When Uncle Max asks her what she plans to do, she responds: Darling, haven't you ever heard of a delightful little thing called boarding school? Yep, that's me.
2. My favorite Erma Bombeck quote: Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
3. My second favorite Erma Bombeck quote: Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. (That’s why I don’t do.)
4. I subscribe to Jen Zug’s theory that it is absolutely essential that parents Get Away now and then. Check out her Blog This Pile I'm Standing In.
5. I am a very patient person, but sometimes I think I allow negative people to drag me down. So I’m seriously considering making this change to my outgoing phone message:
I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, YOU are one of those changes.
6. I’ve played Total Momsense at least 100 times A mom (Anita Renfroe) has condensed into less than 3 minutes everything a mom might say to her kids in a 24 hour period - to the tune of the William Tell Overture! For more from Anita Renfroe go to her site.
7. I'm considering this for my personal logo. What do you think?
Random blogs worth checking out:
Operation Simplify
mamalicio.us
LaLaGirl - Twinfinite Chaos!
Mamacita Caliente
Where are we going?
Angstmama
stupidmommy (She's not at all stupid!)
Bonus: Suzanne Says
Tomorrow: It's back to the more serious side of parenting.
Laughed till I cried! Check this out. A mom (Anita Renfroe) has condensed everything a mom might say to her kids in 24 hours into less than 3 minutes - to the tune of the William Tell Overture! For more from Anita Renfroe go to her site.
When I'm looking for a little levity or some humor in the situation, I often find myself at the door of CrankMama: Good Mama, Bad Attitude. CrankMama (Rachael Brownell) also writes for Imperfect Parent where her article "Rugrats Reprieve" first appeared.
Rachael gratiously allowed us to reprint her article here. Please visit her site and Imperfect Parent for more "gut-wrenching" humor. I recommend a good belly laugh when times are tough. -- Elizabeth
Rest here for a minute.
Signs that it might be time to have a Mommy Break include but are not limited to:
Laughing inappropriately when your kids get hurt, hoping your husband trips on the wet towel he left on the floor, burgeoning rage when you see that someone moved your special spoon, sensation that there are a million swarming bees inside your brain all demanding more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Addressing "Mommy Stress" is most effective if you first diagnose which phase you are in.
PHASE 1. Tired, but Functioning
Here Mommy is still able to feign cheerfulness despite semi-serious sleep deprivation. For several nights running small people have woken her up needing things, and husband has curiously been so sleepy he doesn’t hear the cries.
PHASE 2. Cranky
Here we see poor Mommy start to drop her basket a bit. Little outbursts here (“I said NO JELLY TOAST!”) and there (“Do I LOOK like I feel like having sex right now?!!!”) indicate that the fragile framework of sanity is slipping away. Poor Mommy.
PHASE 3. Final Lockdown Imminent
In this final most desperate phase, Mommy has fantasies of voluntary inpatient psychiatric care, or a long, long hospital stay possibly due to a terminal illness (husband’s). Here Mommy’s fantasies often revolve around death (at least when you’re dead, you get uninterrupted sleep), young Latino lovers, and driving off and never returning.
If any of these stress phases sound familiar, it’s time to take action, lest you end up becoming consumed with guilt, find yourself home-schooling your children, teaching Pilates, and attending a class called How to Please a Man.
With these simple steps, you will soon find yourself refreshed, renewed, and ready to step back into that oatmeal pile on your kitchen floor. Hell, you might even feel up to cooking a healthy dinner.
Step 1. Make a Plan
Once you’ve determined your level of stress, you’ll need to formulate a plan. Pick a day and time in which Mommy Break will occur. If it needs to be RIGHT THIS SECOND GODDAMMIT (most common among Phase 3 Mommies), then leave your children in husband’s charge, and head to the nearest big deep bathtub. Light some candles, get yourself a big glass of wine, turn on your favorite music (if you can’t remember what that is, just go with Norah Jones), and put in some sweet smelling bath salts or bubbles. The key to true relaxation is to cut out all noise from the outer yelling fighting world. If you have to turn the music up, turn on the bathroom fan, and put in earplugs then do it.
If you have time to plan ahead, here are some great breaks for all budget sizes.
Spa day on the cheap. Many spas allow you to pay a small fee to use their steam room, sauna, relaxation area. Or, you can get an inexpensive service like a brow wax to get you in the door.
Walk and window shop. Also fun to do with a girlfriend. Walk around a downtown area and gaze at all the clothes, purses and shoes that would make you feel sexy, hot, and fun.
Bookstore outing. If you haven’t laughed since they administered the epidural, head straight to the humor section of your nearest bookstore. Some of the writers are impossible to read without guffawing (try Dave Barry, for one).
Girlfriend visit. This works best if you go to her. Arrange to visit a sweet old girlfriend and go out to dinner together in finery and heels.
Hotel overnight. This is the crème de la crème of Mommy Breaks. Using Priceline.com, you can usually book a room at a 3 or 4 star hotel a few days in advance for well-below advertised rates. This is a chance to sleep all you want, have total quiet, read, rest, and recoup. You’ve earned it, sister!
Step 2. Set Ground Rules
Be specific about how long you will be gone. And stick to your schedule. If, two hours into your break, you’re convinced that your home is up in flames and your children are wandering the neighborhood in nothing but diapers, get a hold of yourself and take a deep breath. They will survive without you. Say it with me: “I need this break so I don’t go to a home.” There. Better now?
Step 3. Plan Your Next Break
Before you conclude your Mommy Break, make sure to identify another time within 10-14 days where a similar rest can be arranged.
And remember, a rested Mommy is a better Mommy.
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As long as we’re on the subject of eating and not eating, I wanted to share this with you. A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the new book Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid . Well, I finally had the time to read the whole book (No, it is not a long book. In fact, it’s quite short. I simply didn’t have the time. Sound familiar?). I laughed out loud when I read Chapter 7 "Food for Thought: Yes, my daughter would like a Happy Meal. Please hold the meal and she’ll be happy.”
The authors of Shut Up, Gina Gallagher and Patricia Konjoian, point out that sometimes it’s the medication that causes a lack of appetite in our children.
“One of the side effects of Katie’s medication is that it lessens her appetite, particularly during lunch time. This posed a problem when it came to packing her lunch every day. Each morning, I would send a nutritious lunch that represented all the four main food groups, and each afternoon it would return untouched. My husband and I were sickened by the amount of food she was wasting. (Do you know how many children in Africa would die for that Fruit Roll-up?)"
To read more from these lighthearted mothers who deal with heavyhearted issues, visit their web site: www.shutupaboutyourperfectkid.com. If you like what read, you can buy the book directly from them.
Or go to Amazon.com www.amazon.com.
Have you seen this new book filled with fun anecdotes, one-liners and comforting words for mothers of challenging children? Authors Gina Gallagher and Patricia Konjoian remind me to keep my sense of humor even when my day turns into a collection of one act plays in the Theatre of the Absurd.
Check out their website: www.shutupaboutyourperfectkid.com
Elizabeth
