Moms may appear to have the corner on guilt, but Dads are just as susceptible. As mothers we feel responsible for everything about our children. We want to do everything right and strive to measure up to our ideal morthering image. Some Dads may have these same feelings. Guilt can lead to burnout, feelings of inadequacy, and overwhelm. Reframing our language and shifting perspective can be antidotes to guilt.
Here is another handout prepared for the conference. Send an email to me and I will gladly send your a sheet of bookmarks that you can reprint and share with others.
Are there other ways you relieve stress? Send Elizabeth your ideas. We'll publish them here.
At the Northwest Parenting and Family Education Conference, Mary & I set up the A Wild Ride information booth where we shared many different handouts, including this one on
If you have mental tapes that re-run in your head ad nauseam, try Cognitive Restructuring and put an end to those automatic negative thoughts. This technique uses logic to test those nagging unproductive mind games. Ask yourself:
• Does this thought contribute to my stress?
• Where did I learn this thought? Is this thought based in today's reality or is it a belief based in my past?
• Is this a logical thought?
• Is this thought true?
Once you've uncovered the truth, you can counter this old negative thought with one that is actually based in reality.
Repeat this new thought whenever the old one arises:
"It is time to practice loving kindness and compassion for myself rather than beating myself up. I'm doing the best I can right now."
Repeat this positive mantra when that old tape resurfaces.
Communicate More
OMG! It was a HUGE success!!
We tried a family meal tonight using some of the principles Drew Betz & Shirley Broughton from WSU Extension presented at the Northwest Parenting & Family Education Conference Mary and I attended this week.
I know what you thinking. Yes, but that was only one night, one dinner. But it was one dinner when my son sat at the other end of the table from me, and my husband sat to the left. It was one night when I took a chair different from my usual "spot" (as recommended by Drew & Shirley) -- one that faced my son directly.
Usually my husband Scott and I sit opposite each other and my son AJ sits at the head. And usually my husband directs all his conversation towards me. Tonight it was different. By sitting in a new spot, I forced my husband to look both at me and at our son when talking.
Immediately AJC was more engaged. Just a simple shift of a seat made a world of difference!
What we had for dinner was almost irrelevant. Yes, we ate a healthy meal. When I take a few minutes to prepare dinner (not often I must admit) it usually is a VERY healthy meal.
What was different was the extra time we spent talking. Maybe it took an extra 10 minutes for dinner tonight. Really, that's all. And when we all left the table, we left with smiles on our faces.
For other great tips for Quality Family Meals, check out the Eat Better, Eat Together website.
Too busy for family meals? I hear you! We didn't eat until almost 8 p.m. tonight but it was worth it.
Best advice from Drew & Shirley: Just sit down & eat together. Healthy food is great. Frozen pizza is fine.
Photo by Mary Pohlmann
Photo by Mary Pohlmann
Next week Mary & I are attending the Northwest Parenting and Family Education Conference. One of the presenters will be Kim Estes who recently contributed an article of A Wild Ride on Safety.
Kim Estes is the co-founder of the non-profit organization: Parent Education And Child Empowerment (P.E.A.C.E of Mind). She has worked with parents for over 12 years, educating them on various parenting topics. Kim and her cohort in crime prevention, Sabrina Sessa, help liberate parents from fearful parenting! Through non fearful techniques and easy to apply parenting strategies they help empower families to be safe.
We share Kim's latest article below:
At PEACE of Mind, we don't use scary tactics in our workshops but the truth is there are scary statistics on the number of kids who are being sexually abused right now in your community. It makes me so sad to hear a parent come up after a workshop and say "I wish my mom had taken a workshop like this. She could have protected me". I am however glad those same parents are being proactive in learning about safety for their kids and not relying on luck to keep their children safe. It only takes a few minutes a day to let you child know that their safety is important. It could be playing the "what if" game in the car or just reminding them that they have the right to say no to anyone who is trying to bully them into breaking a family safety rule. Openness about safety leads to open conversations when things are bothering them.
At PEACE of Mind, we know that prevention education is the key to keeping the children in our communities' safe. Here are some easy beginning tips to help you start talking about safety with your loved ones!
• Start early and often! Kids as young as one, can learn to point out a "Safe mom with kids". Make a game of it! Be silly! Have fun finding "safe moms". Get them familiar with the concept that a "safe mom" will help them if they ever get separated from you.
• Teach young kids to "sing" your cell number
• Teach children to never, EVER leave with someone they don't know (this could be an adult or another child).
• Remind children to "Check first" before accepting gifts or rides from anyone!
• Model "Safe Grown Up" behavior. Set an example of safety for children. If your child (or a child you know) is not checking first before accepting something from you, be the "Safe Grown -Up" who will remind them to "Check First" with their safe grown up.
Children need to know that you love them even when you may not be happy with their misbehavior. When you consistently respond with respect and dignity, it opens pathways to build connections with your child that leads you to work together and helps to develop a sense of self worth.
Once this foundation is established (through developmentally appropriate expectations, encouragement, empathy, empowerment, setting limits/boundaries, etc) you can help them understand the distinction between their identity as a loving, valued child and the behavioral choices they make. When she chooses to misbehave and disregard a set limit, you can remind her that you love her while respectfully giving the consequence.
Establish and demonstrate your confidence in your children so that next time (and there will be a next time) they will have an opportunity to make a different choice.
The more positive reinforcement you give your children (90% of the time) the more they'll understand you love them "no matter WHAT they do."
Photo by Mary Pohlmann
Parenting author Judith Warner believed, as many people do, that we overmedicate children, and she planned to write an expose' on this epidemic. Instead, she uncovered a different problem: the underdiagnosis and undertreatment of mental illness.
What's your opinion? Is Judith right, more children suffer from undiagnosed mental illness than we first realized, or are we as a society unwilling to accept ANY non-conforming behavior?
This year on A WILD RIDE we focus on a parenting "recovery" theme. What does recovery have to do with parenting challenging children? Everything. Think about how many times a week you mentally beat your-self up or harshly judge your actions as inadequate and ineffective. Too many to count?
When feeling frustrated and angry do you quickly flare & criticize or become overly harsh and punitive (to yourself or your children)? Do you sometimes feel so overwhelmed and drained that you avoid conflict? Do you feel your situation is out of control?
If you frequently dwell on your shortcomings as a parent rather than your strengths, it's time to turn that equation around and gain a new, healthy, realistic perspective. This is the year to rid ourselves of those deadly unrealistic expectations and instead honor our capacity to grow and develop through our issues arising from our mothering experiences.
Each month we concentrate on an assumption, idea, or concept for you to reflect on. We offer strategies for you to ponder and try on.
Above all else, we want to support you in finding your own way through the support of others who also are learning to appreciate and manage their humanness through the marathon of mothering.
Join us as we support you while taking an in-depth look at our unique 12 step parenting process.
Discover wisdom, laughter and opportunities to improve your relationship with your children.
Believe me. I know the feeling. It's Friday night and your partner whispers something in your ear.
Your immediate reaction? YOU WANT TO DO WHAT!!!
Parenting a challenging child (or two or three) or feeling challenged in your parenting is exhausting enough without adding the feeling of failure as a partner or spouse.
Perhaps tonight is not the night to cuddle in front of the fire with a glass of champagne and nothing on but the radio.
Then again it is possible to try one of these everyday romantic gestures:
1. Hold hands.
2. Text him. Write something loving or sexy even when the two of your are in the same room. It's your little secret. The kids playing in the middle of the messy living room need never know.
3. Make a list of all the reasons you love him.
4. Brag about him to a friend.
5. Say it with a post it note. I leave these in the most unusual places. Sometimes I don't even remember where I put them.
6. Bring out the wedding album. Share it with the kids. Even if they grow bored, the two of you can reminisce.
7. Buy him a gift for no reason.
8. Schedule a lunch date. Cheaper and you are both awake enough to hold a conversation.
9. Send him a picture. With a cell phones and the camera apps, there's no reason you can't take a snap shot during the day of something funny or beautiful. The last time I sent my husband a photo from my phone it was one of our son washing the car. Definitely an event to document!
Whatever you do tonight or this weekend, try just once to tell your partner, spouse, or close friend that you really care, then get back to doing the dishes, the files you brought home from work, massaging your sore feet, helping the kids get ready for bed...
Sadly I know several people in desperate medical situations. Their stories and updates are posted on a website called CarePages.com. On this site you can connect with your loved one, send them positive thoughts and prayers, and you can learn vital information for your own health and well-being.
About a week ago I noticed an article titled 5 Tips for Staying Sane with Cancer. I immediately thought of three different cancer patients I know so I read the article thinking I would forward it on to them if appropriate.
What I found was good advice no matter what you are facing. Staying sane is something we all fight for every day.
So whether you personally struggle with a life-threatening illness, or a loved one does, or you face challenges unlike any you've faced before, consider these tips:
1. Seek out listening ears. Acknowledge your feelings and express them to an understanding friend or family member, counselor or doctor.
2. Get creative. Try writing down your feelings (my personal favorite), paint, draw, doodle, play music.
3. Lace up your sneakers. Exercise. We've heard it before but somehow we don't seem to believe it. It's okay if all you do is walk to the mailbox and back.
4. Keep moving forward. On the bottom of my email messages I now have the phrase Play On. You get the idea.
5. Keep it up over the long-term. The four steps above are not just for today and tomorrow. Continue with them for as long as necessary. Maybe forever. They are worth repeating over and over.
For the complete article, read 5 Tips to Stay Sane While Fighting Cancer.
Photo by Mary Pohlmann
Come to the A Wild Ride Website for a complete list of the 12 Steps toward better parenting.
The first three are posted now with details:
I realize I'm stuck in my parenting when I feel I must always be right.
I shift my focus from constantly worrying about my children to finding contentment in my own life.
I intentionally ask questions out of curiosity rather than using intimidating language full of demands.
We would love your feedback. Please share your thought with us by sending an email to Elizabeth.
Photo by Mary Pohlmann
So many times as parents we tell our children what they should do in that antagonistic or sarcastic tone that gets us nowhere. In the heat of the moment, our language can make a bad situation worse. But if we rephrase our statement we can actually build a positive relationship.
Here are a few examples:
Ineffective
Don't bother your sister.
Effective
You are welcome to stay with us as long as you are respecting your sister.
Ineffective
Don't talk to me in that tone of voice.
Effective
I'll listen to you as soon as I know you are with me.
Ineffective
You are not going outside without your coat.
Effective
You may go out as soon as you have your coat on.
Do you have other examples of effective statements? Share them with us. Send Elizabeth an email.
I opted out of life today what is it anyway? what the hay * so much out there so unreal what's the deal? so surreal ** But I'd rather take this day with a child play with an elderly stay *** Come let's break the mold read stories untold watch life unfold **** Give all you can to others be the best you can!!!Opted Out
No, we are not all born writers. Sometimes though when we share our story, we find that writing is actually therapeutic. All these years of raising my son I found that writing out my feelings and sharing them with others helps me feel stronger as a parent. And to stretch my muscles before writing, I often read a writer's blog or two. One of my favorites is Pamela Ferris-Olson's blog Writer.
As a parent of a challenging child, I often feel as if I am friendless. See the teacher frown. See my husband scowl, my neighbor roll her eyes. Look at the expression on my child's face. Yet through my support group, I know I have friends, not just the neighbor-next-door, but true friends who understand the difficulties I face.
Sometimes though, I'm too tired to talk. But for me, it's never too late to write. And so my friend, I offer you the same opportunity. Write to us about your parenting situation.
Share your story of love and confusion, exhaustion and exhilaration, love and heartache. Tell us about your child's good days and his bad days - your successes and your attempts at success.
You do not need to be a polished writer to submit to A Wild Ride. Our Blog welcomes you and your story. Take it from me; once you share your story, the healing begins.
Send your story to Elizabeth.
Pamela Ferris-Olson, author of Living in the Heartland, shares her personal story on her blog InTheHeartland3Women.
Read it here.
When my son was diagnosed with GAD and depression, the psychiatrist recommended homeschooling. To me homeschooling meant that we had to be together 24/7 and that I had to be brilliant and wise during that same time. I wish I had met the author of The Homeschool Desk 10 years ago. Her homeschooling definition is wise, wonderful and sane! A win-win for all involved.
To benefit other moms who might be thinking as I once did, I am posting this link to an excellent, insightful article on the Homeschool Co-op Option.
Photo by Mary Pohlmann
