A Wild Ride: Our Blog

At the risk of sounding weird, I’ll let you in on a secret: I still read at night to my almost thirteen-year-old son. We have found that our nighttime ritual, cuddling and hearing my voice, calms his anxieties and promises a better chance at a good night’s sleep (for both of us).

Most of the time we read Young Adult fiction, e.g. Ranger’s Apprentice and Eragon (we liked the book so much better than the movie!), but occasionally he chooses an old, early childhood favorite like Toot & Puddle or Guess How Much I Love You.

Last night we read a new picture book, I Love You More, written by Laura Duksta and illustrated by Karen Keesler. (Wait till you read the author/illustrator's personal stories!) This charming book is a “flip story.” The reader hears both the mother’s definition of I Love You, then flips to read the child’s. Both are equal, yet express their love with different words.

Mom: “I love you mightier than the mightiest wind ever blew. I love you fuller than the fullest moon you ever knew.” Mom then has a chance to describe her love fully. The book is flipped over and it's the child's turn.

Child: “I love you longer than the longest lollipop ever lasted. I love you louder than the loudest rocket ship ever blasted.” (My son liked the last sentence most of all.) Once the child expresses his love, the reader flips the book again and so it goes, describing the mother and child's unending love.

The book’s illustrator Karen Keesler used a bag of pastel chalks she bought at a yard sale to draw the delightful illustrations.

When I asked my son what he thought of the book, he said, “I like it because both the mom and the kid get a chance to talk. It’s not competitive like Guess How Much I Love You.” (Ah, a Comparative Literature major in the making!)

Now, I’m not advocating that you read this book to your thirteen-year-old if you have not established some sort of reading routine. He (or she) will look at you as if you have lost your mind (which, of course, you confirm daily in other ways). However, if you have a younger child, especially one with nighttime fears or anxieties, I highly recommend this book.

Who knows? Maybe an older child will see the book and want to read it. Nah, ain’t gonna happen. But you never know.

I Love You More is available through its publisher Jabberwocky/Sourcebooks and through Amazon.

Do you have a fear-calming strategy you would like to share? Send it to me and I'll post your ideas.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:25 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Today is my twentieth wedding anniversary – an event worthy of an extravagant celebration or at least a moment of appreciation.

When I stop to think what makes our marriage special, I realize it’s not the elaborate gifts, or the fine wine, or the bouquets of flowers.

Rather it’s the times we struggled as new parents, the sleepless nights with our second born, the shared sadness when my parents died, the acts of denial when my husband was near death. It is the times we multi-task while multi-tasking that creates our closeness. It’s the shared exhaustion at the end of the day.

After twenty years, he still knows how to reignite the passion. The phrase guaranteed to turn me on?

Honey, I don’t know how you do it!

Have you seen the new book Porn for Women by Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative?

Don't hesitate. Buy it. Leave it out for your partner to find and you too will soon hear phrases like:

I’ll take the kids with me so you can relax.

Want to cuddle?

If you don’t hear those phrases, you can at least enjoy the photographs!

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:49 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After reading Nina's post earlier this week titled Dads: Father's Day, summertime and letting go a little, one of our "regulars" wrote to ask "What do you do when the non-custodial parent halts all medication? Or spends an entire summer telling your joint kid that routines are unecessary?"

Good questions. Let's share ideas. Mary, Nina and I will do some research. But we also want to hear from our readers. If you have an ideas for one or both of these issues, please send them to elizabeth@awildride.net.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:30 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In order to observe Father's Day, we moved the final installment in the Down & Out series to Thursday, June 21.

Father's Day, summertime and letting go a little

I loved my dad. He was a complex, caring, smart, sometimes depressed man. I think of him often, particularly around Father's Day, which has just come and gone.

Leading up to Father's Day, those ties, t-shirts, barbecues, lawnmowers and cufflinks shine on store counters and floors everywhere, whispering, "Pick me. Buy me. Do it for dear old Dad. He'll love it!" When the day arrives, Dad sits up grinning, eagerly awaiting breakfast in bed, even if the pancakes smell burnt.

Okay, back in the real world, Father's Day is a difficult day for some. Many grown sons and daughters don't have fond "dad" memories to look back on. And kids today often find the day painfully disappointing. A child sits poised with anticipation, waiting for an unreliable dad to show up. Hours later, with no dad in sight, he goes to his room, shuts the door, and stares at the ceiling. Maybe he cries or lets go with some angry pitches around the room.

For a child with emotional and behavioral challenges this kind of experience can be devastating. Consider a child with ADHD who has alienated his peers with what they call obnoxious behavior. His self-esteem is about two inches off the ground; persistent daddy disappointment can easily drop him the rest of the way.

This kind of dad, or the totally absent one, who lives too far away – geographically or in his heart – often remains "Super Dad" to his kids. He doesn't send them to their rooms, say no to a slumber party, or make them do their homework. He doesn't yell at them after a long, hard day. Only mom does all those things. She is evil. Dad is heroically perfect.

I don't know the actual statistic, but the divorce rate among parents of physically, mentally, and emotional disabled kids is high. Why? There are probably many reasons, but a biggie must be stress – disagreements, money strains, worry, anger, insufficient time to foster an adult-focused relationship, and everything else that can erode a partnership.

Some children may see their dad quite often, but live in the constant vice of marital and divorce discord. For the child with anxiety or sensory integration problems, this conflict, often accompanied by anger, yelling and put-downs, is awful. Fights and disagreements that have to do with custodial problems, parenting, child support, suck children into a tornado of confusion and guilt. For a child with serious problems, this is overwhelming. And like all children, they are powerless to do anything about it.

All of this creates echoes of chaos and insecurity that children can't outrun and sometimes can't outgrow.

So as Father's Day comes and goes, and the serious business of summer visitations begins, look out for landmines. The non-day-to-day parent often sees this as a time to undo the harm they believe their spouse has accomplished during the year. I knew a dad once who took his son, who had ADHD, off his medication in the summer because he didn't believe medication was necessary or trustworthy. No professional advise, no tapering off, just whack! No more meds. You can imagine what having his brain chemistry suddenly shoved into overdrive did to this child's emotions, behavior, and state of mind.

Other non-custodial parents give in where the full-time parent held a hard line. Their values may be very different. They may see the child's daily life as too strict and smothering. They may indeed be legitimately trying to compensate for ill-advised parenting. And they may be confusing "loving" with purchasing affection and spoiling. No matter the reason, the child who sorely needs routine and consistency, can easily be undone by inconsistencies and have not only a difficult summer but a rocky re-entry into her "regular" life.

So, what's a mom to do? Here are a few ideas: talk with your EX about child rearing issues and values and the importance of consistency. Share examples of how your child responds when you must break routines or spring new information or activities on her. Think about a family session with your child's treatment professional so everyone can get on the same page. Argue out of earshot of your son or daughter. Keep their self-esteem, treatment, needs and vulnerabilities at the forefront of the logistics and decisions you make as co-parents.

And then there's just letting go. Mothers of difficult children spend a great deal of time avoiding crises, meeting their children's expectations, working with teachers and other professionals, and putting Humpty Dumpty together again after instantaneous meltdowns. It is very hard to hand your child over and stop being in "do it, avoid it, fix it" mode. But there is that point where you can't do any more. sThen it's time to let your child go for a while and re-read Mary's advice on self-care and putting yourself first, so you are refreshed when your youngster returns home.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:14 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I strongly connect with your sentiments in "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places." It's a good reminder. My son is an affectionate, bright, fun-loving, kind-hearted young man, and I don't want to lose sight of that over issues like dirty laundry and forgotten-to-take meds.

http://www.awildride.net/blog/2007/02/looking_for_love_in_all_the_wr.html

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:15 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My son hates being touched. Kisses are the worst. Something about the light touch of lips and the possibility of moisture from saliva on his cheek is more than he can handle. I believe the only time I have given Alexander a good, sloppy, mother-to-son kiss was when he went under anesthesia just before adenoid surgery.

And hugs are marginally tolerated. If I've used “smelly creams,” then a hug is out of the question. The definition of a “smelly cream” is any lotion, moisturizer, or lip gloss with even the slightest hint of fragrance. And I swear he can smell it through walls and up two flights of stairs!

Knowing that a tiny touch or whiff of perfrume can send my sensory sensitive child over the edge forced me to find alternatives to hugs and kisses. In our household, we now practice “virtual hugs” and “air kisses” which can be sent across the room, down the hall, or over the phone. Not as satisfying to me of course, but these practical attempts at affection are reasonable substitutes. They are all I am likely to experience at this time in my son's life, and occasionally I catch my son smiling when I yell “virtual hugs” at the end of a long day.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:22 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"Sometimes it's better to put love into hugs than to put it into words."

from Michelle

http://www.lovingyou.com/scripts/quotes/quotes.php?cat=hugs

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:40 PM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Check out these Love Notes from About.com. I especially like the one called "You are the Expert." Enjoy!

http://specialchildren.about.com/od/needinspiration/ig/Notes-of-Encouragement/index.htm?nl=1

"Our Love Notes for Special Parents provide encouragement, support, and empowerment for parents dealing with children with special needs. Share these good words with another parent -- or just put them somewhere where you can see them every day."

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:01 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

How many times have I thought: If only my son would pick up his room, get good grades, wash the car, empty the dishwasher, not procrastinate, wash his hair, wipe his feet, pick up the toys in the yard, come home on time, call if he is going to be late, get more exercise, play less computer, watch fewer television shows, chew with his mouth closed, use a napkin, nearly food his clean laundry, put his laundry away, get off the phone, call his grandmother, practice his saxophone/piano, write thank-you notes, stop biting his nails, scrub his face, move his shoes, watch his language?

Sometimes I feel as if the only way he can show his love for me is to do these things – all of them – daily – without being nagged. Sadly, it seems, I look for love in the completion of tasks.

In fact, what would be proved if he did complete all of the above? We’d have a cleaner house, car, and yard. He’d have cleaner hair, face, body – and mouth. His grandmother would think highly of him. His musical ability would improve. He’d earn scholarships to the college of his choice.

But is this love? Or even success? According to Dr. Mel Levine, “grades in school are not a predictor of success in life.” Then why do I attach such importance to them? Am I looking for love in all the wrong places?

Today I vow to look for love in all the RIGHT places – in the hugs (no matter how brief), in the laughter and smiles (no matter how fleeting) and I will appreciate my children – being themselves.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:26 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Last week, on NPR's This I Believe, Ann Karasinksi spoke to many struggling mothers:

"I searched for someone or something to blame. I blamed her friends. I blamed her dad. I blamed our divorce. But mostly, I blamed myself."

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7293598

Posted by Elizabeth at 10:35 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Well, it's still February, and I'm still thinking about love – for my family, my friends, my dog, Carmen and the white-capped mountains I can see from my office window (if I crane my neck about 180 degrees). I think about all the people in Iraq who die every day. And their families – each member forever feeling a hole in their heart – for a lost mother, father, spouse, partner, sister, brother, son, daughter, grandchild, or platoon buddy. I look around and see the love and family strength available to get through these hard times, large scale or small. And I am always amazed.

What else helps? In addition to the sustaining force inherent in us mothers, I think laughter, jokes and great quotes are animated cousins, rearranging our pain and providing personal enjoyment and emotional relief. Here are a few quotes I really like. I hope you will too.

BIRTH

"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head." - Carol Burnett

MOMS

"Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face." – George Eliot, English novelist
"The strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws." – Barbara Kingsolver

"She was the archetypal selfless mother: living only for her children, sheltering them from the consequences of their actions -- and in the end doing them irreparable harm." – Marcia Muller

"We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

PERKS OF RAISING CHALLENGING CHILDREN

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." – M. Scott Peck

ISOLATION, NO -- CONNECTIONS, YES

"Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone" – Maya Angelou

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." – C.S. Lewis

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that." – Charlotte, Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

HOPE

"I still believe in Hope - mostly because there's no such place as Fingers Crossed, Arkansas." – Molly Ivans, syndicated political columnist who recently died.

Molly was a woman with a keen wit, a gracious heart and an exquisite ability to make sense of the absurd through her writing and public speaking. I will miss her.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:22 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Let's be realistic. Sometimes we're just not in the mood to be the loving wife whether we have a challenging child or not. This essay is from Kristen Chase. It was originally posted on http://www.dot-moms.com.

My husband informed me the other day that I am not nice.

I laughed.

And then told him I save all my "nice" for my daughter. And if I, per chance, have anything left to spare, I'm happy to send it his way.

But lately, "nice" has been a little hard to come by. I'm stretched thin living sans husband with my in-laws, nearly 8 months pregnant, and chasing after a 2-year-old. And after being asked "What's that?" about 2,409 times a day, and fending off multiple requests for candy that are usually made in a heinously whiny tone, I use up about all the nice that I have left.

I'd usually laugh and internally roll my eyes at my father-in-law waving my wet bra around on a hanger, my mother-in-law asking me if I know how to put a plastic bag in the small bathroom trashcan, or my husband complaining about his extra long workout at the gym.

Alone. Quietly running. With no diapers anywhere in sight.

Yeah. Must be really hard man.

But now, I feel pulled in way too many different directions. And I literally ration all my nice out to my daughter. She doesn't deserve tense responses or a frustrated tone, particularly when her grandparents are not the most patient, kind, and attentive folks who rely on television and large amounts of candy when called upon to babysit.

And so, I save all the nice patient loving understanding mom that I have in me for her.

I figure until I start getting some darn "nice" sent my way (or at least where I can wash and dry my own bras and not get instructed on skills I learned in 1st grade), it's drought season over here. Let's just hope it doesn't last too long.

Kristin is a former college music professor turned stay-at-home-mother/rock star to her 20-month-old daughter, Quinlan.

http://www.kristenchase.net/

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:35 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

“Family” has many meanings and configurations. Some families include children, some don’t. No matter who participates, I think family at its best is that place that holds our hearts, cheers our successes, reinforces out hopes and tries to ease our disappointments. Family is where so many kinds of love coexist that it’s no wonder we sometimes have trouble surfing its wild seas and coming up for air. If your family has children, your young works in progress are probably changing more rapidly than you can blink in an Arizona sandstorm. If you have difficult children who endlessly challenge your patience, love can get a little fuzzy to see and feel.

So this month of valentines, chocolate and little hearts with words like “Be Mine,” remember to stir love into that pot of family stuff you deal with day after day. To honor families (mine, yours, theirs), I let my mind loose on words that seemed to represent tiny slices of family life and love. My best, Nina

Free Association About Family Love

L

Luscious
Looney
Lonely
Loquacious
Long-lasting
Lusty
Loving
Lovable
Laundry
Legendary
Laborious
Labyrinth
Licorice
Lactation
Loud
“Lame!”
Last word
Latkes
Laughter
Launch
Lessons
Libido
Lightness
Limits
Literary

O

Original
Over-protective
Open-minded
Opinionated
Overwhelmed
Ordinary
Obligations
Overjoyed
Obstetrician
Obstinate
Orthodontist
Offend
Oneself
Overindulgent
Olive branch
Old fashioned
On-line
Odoriferous
Orange juice
Organization
Ouch!
Osmosis
Out-smart
Overly critical
Ovaries
Overreact

V

Violets
Violins
Volumes
Voracious
Vivacious
Validate
Va-va-va-voom
Vexing
Very!
Valuable
Velveteen
Vomit (ick!)
Vulnerable
Videos
Virginity
Virtue
Vitamins
Vocal
Volatile
Vulgar!

E

Exceptional
Exasperating
Exhausted
Emergencies
Extraordinary
Empty
Envy
Egg salad
Enveloping
Expansive
e-bay
Expressive
Economical
Erythromycin
Elders
Education
Egos
E-mail
Elementary
Embrace
Endurance
Episiotomy
Equality
Exhilaration
Exuberant
Embryo

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:02 AM in Looking for Love | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)