A Wild Ride: Our Blog

North Star Family Matters Magazine

Last year, North Star Family Matters, a new parenting magazine, hit the scene. It's filled with excellent articles utilizing techniques such as Appreciative Inquiry, Non-Violent Communication, and EFT. Mary and I met with Editor-in-Chief Wendy Garrido and Operations Manager Prem Carnot, and we quickly realized that we share a similar philosphy: "parenting is about commitment, inspiration and empowerment."

One major focus of North Star Family Matters is Appreciative Inquiry which Mary uses in her parent coaching and in parenting workshops. A good explanation of this technique is posted on the North Star Family Matters Web site:

Appreciative Inquiry (AI) is based on an idea that many of us are already familiar with—that what we focus upon tends to increase. Founded in the business world1, AI explores current successes and how they happened instead of focusing upon problems. Emphasizing success helps recreate the excitement and passion of those events and motivates everyone to discover new ways to make peak experiences a more frequent occurrence.

To read more on Appreciative Inquiry, visit the magazine's Web site.

Another important focus of the magazine is Non-Violent Communication. Non-violent Communication strengthens our ability to respond compassionately and to inspire similar understanding from others.

Personally, I am a strong proponent of Non-violent Communication. I've seen it work so many times. My favorite example of successful Non-violent Communication is the story of a teenage boy named Matt who asked his father to join him in NVC training. Matt was tired of his father's outbursts and constant criticism. At first, the father refused to go, but Matt attended a session on his own. When he engaged his father in a conversation using some of the NVC terms, Matt realized that his father's actions were the result of his own upbringing. In reality the father did not feel good about his parenting style. Together Matt and his father broke down the barriers to true communication and found common ground by joining a local NVC program.

We'll save the explanation of EFT and our introduction of North Star Family Matters editors (Wendy, Prem and Sue) for the next Blog entry. Stay tuned.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:59 AM in New Beginnings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After years of study, Dr. Levine observed that children who spent time with adults became successful adults themselves. They weren’t “overdosed with each other.” Most children, Dr. Levine feels, are scheduled with too many play dates and group activities. They rarely spend time with the adults in their lives and are unable to entertain themselves or hold a conversation with older people.

What struck me about this observation is that mothers of struggling children often suffer from the opposite problem – too little adult interaction. We spend our days shuffling between doctor appointments, therapist sessions, and school meetings, work and home, rarely stopping to enjoy another mother’s company.

Sometimes I think of Heidi Holland in Wendy Wasserstein’s play The Heidi Chronicles. “It’s just that I feel stranded,” she says in one of her monologues. “And I thought the whole point was that we wouldn’t feel stranded. I thought the point was we were all in this together.”

Believe it or not, we are all in this together, especially we moms of challenging children. Since joining a support group (go to http://www.awildride.net/index3.htm for easy steps to start your own), I no longer feel stranded. I feel a connection with other adults, especially moms going through some of the same challenges I am. Meeting moms in similar situations makes me a stronger person and definitely a better parent -- sometimes. Sometimes I am just glad that I can hold my end of an adult conversation. Other times my end of the conversation is merely nodding in agreement, yet I am delighted to connect with other adults, and I give myself a pat on the back for showing up for this adult version of a playdate.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:05 PM in New Beginnings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Last night Dr. Mel Levine spoke to a crowd of 450 parents and teachers in Tacoma, Washington. I’ve heard Dr. Levine speak before. He liberally peppers his lecture on learning abilities with humorous anecdotes. The crowd laughs along as he explains why some children struggle in school and some succeed. As a Professor of Pediatrics and Director of the Clinical Center for the Study of Development and Learning at the University of North Carolina Medical School, Founder of All Kind Of Minds Institute and a best-selling author, Dr. Levine knows what he is talking about when it comes to describing how “to recognize learning challenges as learning differences.”

During last night’s talk, I was struck by the fact that the advice he offered for helping our challenging children could easily apply to us mothers. For instance, Dr. Levine suggested that an adolescent who struggles in school, never makes the sports team, is not quick-witted or popular should take a long look at a student who is. “But don’t compare yourself to the high school Superstar,” Dr. Levine warned. “Seriously consider the possibility that this may well be his finest hour. There is a good chance he’ll be working for you someday.”

And so it goes for us mothers. How often have I measured my own parenting abilities against those of another mother on the playground who plays imaginative games with her child and his friends while I am lucky to get to the playground at all? And how often have I compared myself against the mother who bakes cookies with her daughter as an after school activity when I can barely prepare a decent evening meal. I don’t judge these women as being insufferable. I judge myself as being inadequate.

Today I resolve not to measure my own worth as a parent based on the perceived success of other mothers. I will go through my day dealing with mothering issues and dilemmas on my own terms. And if I see the mother whose son is an honor roll student, the captain of the football team, a volunteer firefighter, and the heartthrob of the high school, I will remember that this may be her finest hour, and perhaps some day her son will work for mine.

To read more about Dr. Mel Levine and his ground-breaking philosophy, go to http://www.allkindsofminds.org

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:47 AM in New Beginnings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It’s never too late to start the day over.

After a debate with my son who misunderstood that my request for help with the dishes was actually a demand couched in gentle terms, we both realized that the day had started badly. His tears and upset and my frustration with his lack of cooperation was NOT the way to begin the day. Both of us stood our ground, already exhausted at 7 a.m. “Could we start this over?” I asked. A smile crept onto his sullen face as he whispered, “Let’s rewind.”

Rewind. Take us back to the beginning, back to before the argument even started. In this case, we walked backwards to his bedroom, he climbed back into bed, and pulled the covers over his head. I stepped out of his room, took a deep breath, then came back in. “Good morning.” I said. “Breakfast is ready. When you are dressed, would you…oops, I mean, please empty the dishwasher.

This particular morning the rewind worked. Tomorrow? We may have to rewind a little farther.

http://www.elizabethcoplan.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:39 AM in New Beginnings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 1st is a tempting time to create resolutions for the New Year – some new beginnings. Lose weight, don’t take any more guff from our boss, read more, demand more help in the kitchen. Personally, my dedication to the concept of change is sincere, but the timing is artificially created by the calendar.

Actually, we can create new beginnings anytime we want. Our children certainly do! And those new beginnings can be bittersweet. The exciting first steps a baby takes are the beginning of walking (and the end of leaving her alone for more than a millisecond). Kindergarten is an amazing new beginning (but you realize you don’t have a baby anymore).

Sometimes our children’s new beginnings are tinged with inevitable, small failures. And that’s okay; there are few lessons to learn if they achieve perfection right out of the starting gate. But for challenging children, some steps forward are even more tenuous. Your highly anxious child calmly rides out a stressful week (your heat soars with hopefulness), then plummets into a frenzy over something minor (you sigh with disappointment). Your oppositional child has a short run of cooperation, but returns to banging full throttle against your amazing patience. Your teenager goes through six weeks of rehab, stays clean for three months, then starts hanging out with old friends and suffers a relapse. Same parenting experience, up and down, up and down.

As composer Paul Simon sings, “These are the days of miracle and wonder….” For moms of challenging children, these are also the days of constant uncertainty. A rollercoaster ride of embracing those hoped-for steps forward, then experiencing disappointment when things unravel. A grasp for lasting change turns into a rough landing on the landscape of your child’s volatile life.

So where’s the UP side of all of this?
Well, just knowing that new beginnings with challenging kids are fragile can help you understand that some setbacks are inevitable. Consider the following as small steps toward feeling okay with this crazy ride:

• Take note of the gains your child makes, no matter how small or large, short-lived or long lasting. Be thrilled; pat your child on the back.

• Understand that sustainable change develops slowly. Sometimes really slowly.

• Adjust your expectations to what is reasonable for your child. Develop a yardstick that measures true new beginnings for him, not the kids next door.

• Focus on “your” new beginnings, whether they begin on January 1st, grow out of a therapy or support group session, or just unexpectedly land in your lap.

Don’t overlook the lessons of loss
Even though new beginnings are often created by or come with loss, snuggled inside those losses are valuable lessons. So when you open the door to a new beginning, don’t forget to turn around and look at the door you just closed. There’s a message for you taped to the doorknob!

Have a wonderful New Year, Nina

Posted by Elizabeth at 12:13 PM in New Beginnings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)