A Wild Ride: Our Blog

Nurturing Ourselves for a Change

The month of May is a good time to reflect and evaluate our role as mothers. We know very well how vigilant we can be while nurturing others, especially our challenging children. Why are we not as dedicated to ourselves? What would you suggest to a stressed girlfriend to help her lighten up and feel better? How about encouraging her to focus, for a change, on what she can do for herself. And for yourself, don't wait for a crisis to hit. Begin taking better care of yourself today! Here are a few self-care suggestions:

• Start small. Set aside even 10 minutes a day to do something that you love doing.

• Build a strong support network of reliable resources - friends, family, co- workers, spouses, babysitters, social networks. Consider joining a support group, or create one.

• Notice when you feel irritable or judgmental or find yourself complaining a lot. These are red flags alerting you to the fact that you are producing way too much cortizol (stress hormones).

• Appreciate your accomplishments, even the small ones. Give yourself a pat on the back when you remember to breathe instead of snapping at your child or grinding your teeth.

Whether you are just beginning to practice self-nurturing, or are an old hand at it, remember these three operative affirmations when guilt, fatigue or "I just don't have time" set in and doing something for you seems out of the question:

• I deserve to appreciate and take care of myself.

• My family deserves to have me take care of myself.

• When I feel refreshed, I am happier and a more patient, less frustrated mom.

For more self-care ideas, visit Strategies.

Look forward to how good you're going to feel - Mary

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As moms we tend to place our health needs dead last (pun intended). But there are many reasons why this is a BAD idea:

1. Who will take care of our families if we're too sick to do so?
2. What kind of behavior are we modeling for our children?
3. Does our lack of self-care come across as martyrdom?

• Getting at least 2 hours and 30 minutes of moderate physical activity, 1 hour and 15 minutes of vigorous physical activity, or a combination of both each week
• Eating a nutritious diet
• Visiting a health care professional to receive regular checkups and preventive screenings
• Avoiding risky behaviors, such as smoking and not wearing a seatbelt
• Paying attention to mental health, including getting enough sleep and managing stress

To learn more about National Women's Health Week, visit www.womenshealth.gov.

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Forced to Lie About My Age

I don't color my hair. Have never done Botox. I do tweeze the gray from my eyebrows and my chin, and, as the mother of two sons, I've earned every line on my face. When I remember where I last put them, I wear reading glasses. I hold the distinction of being the oldest member in a mothers book club - by a number of years. Most of the other women were children of the '70s. I did more in the '70s than just grow up.

Visit Motherhood Later...Than Sooner to read the full essay.

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Flowers for forgotten moms!

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When Mother's Day Hurts

Mother's Day is not always a joyous time, especially for mothers of challenging children whose special needs and narcissistic behavior can spoil even a cup of tea.

Some time ago I came across an article titled Helping Moms Cope When Mother's Day Hurts geared to acknowledging grieving mothers. (Unfortunately that article by Renee Wood of Comfort Connection is no longer available on the Web.)

Renee's "ten simple ways to reach out to a grieving mother" applies to mothers of challenging children as well. Many of these mothers will not even hear the phrase "Happy Mother's Day, Mom!" let alone hear words of acknowledgment or appreciation.

So, with a nod of thanks to Renee at The Comfort Connection, I adapt some of her suggestions.

1. Recognize that you are a mother, but acknowledge that you too have suffered a loss - a loss of the dream.

2. Buy a flower -- put it in a vase in your bedroom.

3. Light a candle and sit still for a while. Mediate or just enjoy the silence.

4. Don't try to minimize the loss of the dream.

5. Practice self-care. Take time for you. Schedule a massage. Go for a walk.

6. Chill a bottle of bubbly (champagne or sparkling cider). On Mother's Day, grab a book, the newspaper, a magazine, and pour your bubbly into a special glass, sit back & relax (even if it's only long enough to down a glass or two.)

7. Send a card to another mother of a challenging child - a mom who is also unlikely to receive a note of thanks from her own child. My personal favorite this year is:
"Cheers! It's Mother's Day....Not traditionally a drinking holiday, but why the hell not, I say!"

To all my fellow mothers in the world, those with typical children, those with challenging children, and those grieving the death of a child, I send you the wish of comfort when times are hard and understanding when you've had enough. I hope you wish the same for me.

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"

Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

~ Charles M. Schulz, Creator of Peanuts comic strip

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Three years ago we published this piece from Rachael Brownell. Her words are sage, witty and important as ever.

Rachael can be found on Imperfect Parent and she tours with her new book Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore. This book "gives the reader insight not only into the effects of addiction on the entire family, but solutions for those in the grips of family trauma. Rachael's journey, well written with wit, humor, and brutal honesty, is a must read." ―Barb Rogers, author of Twenty-Five Words and Keep It Simple and Sane (reprinted from Amazon Reviews).

Signs that it might be time to have a Mommy Break include but are not limited to:

Laughing inappropriately when your kids get hurt, hoping your husband trips on the wet towel he left on the floor, burgeoning rage when you see that someone moved your special spoon, sensation that there are a million swarming bees inside your brain all demanding more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Addressing "Mommy Stress" is most effective if you first diagnose which phase you are in.

PHASE 1. Tired, but Functioning

Here Mommy is still able to feign cheerfulness despite semi-serious sleep deprivation. For several nights running small people have woken her up needing things, and husband has curiously been so sleepy he doesn't hear the cries.

PHASE 2. Cranky

Here we see poor Mommy start to drop her basket a bit. Little outbursts here ("I said NO JELLY TOAST!") and there ("Do I LOOK like I feel like having sex right now?!!!") indicate that the fragile framework of sanity is slipping away. Poor Mommy.

PHASE 3. Final Lockdown Imminent

In this final most desperate phase, Mommy has fantasies of voluntary inpatient psychiatric care, or a long, long hospital stay possibly due to a terminal illness (husband's). Here Mommy's fantasies often revolve around death (at least when you're dead, you get uninterrupted sleep), young Latino lovers, and driving off and never returning.

If any of these stress phases sound familiar, it's time to take action, lest you end up becoming consumed with guilt, find yourself home-schooling your children, teaching Pilates, and attending a class called How to Please a Man.

With these simple steps, you will soon find yourself refreshed, renewed, and ready to step back into that oatmeal pile on your kitchen floor. Hell, you might even feel up to cooking a healthy dinner.

Step 1. Make a Plan

Once you've determined your level of stress, you'll need to formulate a plan. Pick a day and time in which Mommy Break will occur. If it needs to be RIGHT THIS SECOND GODDAMMIT (most common among Phase 3 Mommies), then leave your children in husband's charge, and head to the nearest big deep bathtub. Light some candles, get yourself a big glass of wine, turn on your favorite music (if you can't remember what that is, just go with Norah Jones), and put in some sweet smelling bath salts or bubbles. The key to true relaxation is to cut out all noise from the outer yelling fighting world. If you have to turn the music up, turn on the bathroom fan, and put in earplugs then do it.

If you have time to plan ahead, here are some great breaks for all budget sizes.

Spa day on the cheap. Many spas allow you to pay a small fee to use their steam room, sauna, relaxation area. Or, you can get an inexpensive service like a brow wax to get you in the door.

Walk and window shop. Also fun to do with a girlfriend. Walk around a downtown area and gaze at all the clothes, purses and shoes that would make you feel sexy, hot, and fun.
Bookstore outing. If you haven't laughed since they administered the epidural, head straight to the humor section of your nearest bookstore. Some of the writers are impossible to read without guffawing (try Dave Barry, for one).

Girlfriend visit. This works best if you go to her. Arrange to visit a sweet old girlfriend and go out to dinner together in finery and heels.

Hotel overnight. This is the crème de la crème of Mommy Breaks. Using Priceline.com, you can usually book a room at a 3 or 4 star hotel a few days in advance for well-below advertised rates. This is a chance to sleep all you want, have total quiet, read, rest, and recoup. You've earned it, sister!

Step 2. Set Ground Rules

Be specific about how long you will be gone. And stick to your schedule. If, two hours into your break, you're convinced that your home is up in flames and your children are wandering the neighborhood in nothing but diapers, get a hold of yourself and take a deep breath. They will survive without you. Say it with me: "I need this break so I don't go to a home." There. Better now?

Step 3. Plan Your Next Break

Before you conclude your Mommy Break, make sure to identify another time within 10-14 days where a similar rest can be arranged.

And remember, a rested Mommy is a better Mommy.

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in time
not straight back

curve around the corner
look behind the grey stone
under a bent snowdrop.

What was missed?

Above a branch, down a path
along the aqueduct in the fall
maples blinding out
all thought but of them,

the light, the smell of earth and
leaves alive and dying.
The trap I fell in has a different way out.

Wait, listen,

turn the barrel lock slowly, come back to it,
only one way to line up the numbers.

This time be the shift
as ease melts away tension,
something moves,

hooks fall away,
the sides of the lock gleam
and open to
a blank page, a lake of infinite colors,
and a ready hand.

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From our good friend Sandra over at The Soulful Parent:

With all the "things" that we have on our "to do" lists everyday, the obvious sometimes escapes us. How about creating a "Ta Dah" list that includes things like: drinking enough water, telling a friend what they mean to you, hugging your kids, kissing your beloved, playing with your dog and smiling to a stranger?

So what's on your "Ta Dah" list today? Me? I plan to hug my teenage son even if he pulls away!

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Here is another handout prepared for the conference. Send an email to me and I will gladly send your a sheet of bookmarks that you can reprint and share with others.

• Listen to music
• Sing
• Lick an ice cream cone
• Laugh with your friends
• Snuggle with your pet
• Take a long, hot bath
• Smell fragrant flowers
• Sit in the sunshine
• Walk in the rain
• Read a magazine
• Look in the mirror and announce an affirmation. "I know I can do this." Or simply, "I love you."
• Meditate. Something that is meaningful to you.
• Read or write poetry
• Prepare a gratitude journal

Are there other ways you relieve stress? Send Elizabeth your ideas. We'll publish them here.

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Believe me. I know the feeling. It's Friday night and your partner whispers something in your ear.

Your immediate reaction? YOU WANT TO DO WHAT!!!

Parenting a challenging child (or two or three) or feeling challenged in your parenting is exhausting enough without adding the feeling of failure as a partner or spouse.

Perhaps tonight is not the night to cuddle in front of the fire with a glass of champagne and nothing on but the radio.

Then again it is possible to try one of these everyday romantic gestures:

1. Hold hands.

2. Text him. Write something loving or sexy even when the two of your are in the same room. It's your little secret. The kids playing in the middle of the messy living room need never know.

3. Make a list of all the reasons you love him.

4. Brag about him to a friend.

5. Say it with a post it note. I leave these in the most unusual places. Sometimes I don't even remember where I put them.

6. Bring out the wedding album. Share it with the kids. Even if they grow bored, the two of you can reminisce.

7. Buy him a gift for no reason.

8. Schedule a lunch date. Cheaper and you are both awake enough to hold a conversation.

9. Send him a picture. With a cell phones and the camera apps, there's no reason you can't take a snap shot during the day of something funny or beautiful. The last time I sent my husband a photo from my phone it was one of our son washing the car. Definitely an event to document!

Whatever you do tonight or this weekend, try just once to tell your partner, spouse, or close friend that you really care, then get back to doing the dishes, the files you brought home from work, massaging your sore feet, helping the kids get ready for bed...

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:55 AM in Looking for Love , Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sadly I know several people in desperate medical situations. Their stories and updates are posted on a website called CarePages.com. On this site you can connect with your loved one, send them positive thoughts and prayers, and you can learn vital information for your own health and well-being.

About a week ago I noticed an article titled 5 Tips for Staying Sane with Cancer. I immediately thought of three different cancer patients I know so I read the article thinking I would forward it on to them if appropriate.

What I found was good advice no matter what you are facing. Staying sane is something we all fight for every day.

So whether you personally struggle with a life-threatening illness, or a loved one does, or you face challenges unlike any you've faced before, consider these tips:

1. Seek out listening ears. Acknowledge your feelings and express them to an understanding friend or family member, counselor or doctor.

2. Get creative. Try writing down your feelings (my personal favorite), paint, draw, doodle, play music.

3. Lace up your sneakers. Exercise. We've heard it before but somehow we don't seem to believe it. It's okay if all you do is walk to the mailbox and back.

4. Keep moving forward. On the bottom of my email messages I now have the phrase Play On. You get the idea.

5. Keep it up over the long-term. The four steps above are not just for today and tomorrow. Continue with them for as long as necessary. Maybe forever. They are worth repeating over and over.

For the complete article, read 5 Tips to Stay Sane While Fighting Cancer.

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Yesterday I had too much day. Too much of other people. Not enough me. So today I plan to play. Will you join me?

Read more of Leslie Moon's poetry on her website Moondustwriter.

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Last weekend I had the extreme pleasure of meeting the former Poet Laureate of the United States Billy Collins.

He read several of his poems in honor of our mutual friend's 80th birthday. I had not heard Billy read in a couple of years and I was immediately struck by the strength and simplicity of his words. He chose his poems based on the happiness and humor of the occasion yet they were poignant and went straight to the heart.

This morning I had another poetry moment of purity and heartfelt words when I read Leslie Moon's poem Why must you....

How many times as parents of children who struggle daily due to physical and/or mental disabilities or other issues do we ask ourselves:

For more of Leslie's poetry visit the Moondustwriter's Blog.

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As parents of challenging children with a variety of special needs, we often feel overwhelmed and lack even an ounce of self-esteerm. Perhaps now is the time to read something that's uplifting, not to remind us that we ourselves are struggling, but rather that overcoming obstacles can still happen. Even to us.

Living in the Heartland by Pamela Ferris-Olson chronicles three women's search for identity, self-esteem, and happiness. It's a compelling story of real Americans − women who are heroines not because of remarkable feats but in the graceful way they live in the face of challenges. Living in the Heartland: Three Extraordinary Women's Stories available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com.

For more information, visit the author's website. And check out the very moving YouTube video on the site.

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Sometimes, when I'm in the thick of a difficult situation, I fail to see the world around me. A good friend, whose calm life was shattered due to her husband's stroke, recently wrote this:

We're keeping perspective, grateful to be home, to have a home... happy to be alive and together. Not a given. Our community has been hit hard with critical illnesses lately. The only way I know of to weather the storms is to take slow deep breaths every day, and to rest quietly in each moment -- when I remember that is. Our hearts are full, holding close to loved ones struggling for life.

Today, regardless of your situation, I wish you a full-heart! ~ Elizabeth

Photo by Mary Pohlmann.

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Every mother who does the best she can do is a hero!

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Quote from George Carlin

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Does gasping for breath or holding your breath count? I think it should -- especially for mothers of challenging children!!!

What do you think? Send your comments to me.

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What's Your Opinion?

Do Mother's Day wishes sent via text messaging considered acceptable by today's mothers?

Let us know what you think? Send comments to Elizabeth.

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Posted on my Refrigerator

I can only please one person per day.

Today is not your day.

Tomorrow is not looking good either.

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In Honor of Erma

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -- Erma Bombeck

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CHEERS! It's Mother's Day!

Not traditionally a drinking holiday, but why the hell not!!

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Wish My Partner Said That

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
- Bill Cosby

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A Dose of Reality

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse." -Lily Tomlin-

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... is that someday is right now.

Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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Congratulations to our Second Birthday Contest Winner Cheryl H from Brier, WA. Cheryl is the lucky winner of the Aveda Destination Comfort Gift Set.

Buy a natural oil with a sensual smell either relaxing or stimulating (whichever works best for you). When you are ready for your bath, pour a glass of your favorite drink.

Turn on some relaxing, sensual or natural music such as the sound of rain, frogs, gentle African drumming.

Now, if you have a partner or friend who will be able to take the time, ask for a gentle and slow back scrub. Ask your partner to give full attention, smile and energy for "a while" to ....... just...... YOU.

In advance ask what you can do to return the favor, but also ask to reciprocate at another time so that you totally in the moment. This time, when it is all about YOU, will provide you with an invaluable source of fortitude and strength for carrying on with your day.

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Our Gift to You!

Want to know how to parent from your innate strengths? Have questions on getting started? Get a jump start with support and a free one-hour phone session with Parent Coach Mary Scribner.

Interested? Send Mary an email today!
Offer Expires: January 31, 2009

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This year Elizabeth and I have chosen YOU Being Mom as the theme for 2009. We are very excited to be exploring topics that hopefully will offer threads of insight, and empower you to value your own unique way of parenting. Most of all, as parents ourselves, we want to invite you to join us to support each other. Let’s learn to trust our innate strengths, let go of the myth of the perfect parent, and embrace our mothering experience as an opportunity for personal growth and development.

As we look forward to a New Year full of potential and possibility, and yes, even transformation, let’s throw away and bury these insanely destructive parenting myths. Its time to let go and reclaim our own unique mothering identity based on what works for each of us and build the kind of relationship with our child (ren) that we want. It all starts with YOU (and me!)

So start today by reading the Letting Go Strategies on the A Wild Ride website.

And if you are really serious and want to know more about how to parent from your innate strengths? Get a jump start with support and a free session from Parent Coach, Mary Scribner for the entire month of Jan. 2009. Contact Mary directly.

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...but just barely. Life is a little overwhelming at the moment. But I promise to return to blogging as soon as I am able (not as soon as it calms down because then will never happen.)

Please return soon to the A Wild Ride Blog. In the meantime, enjoy all the great information and stories on the A Wild Ride Web site.

Cheers, Elizabeth

Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. ~Nadine Stair

Photo by Mary Pohlmann

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"Pondering" -- I'm not sure this is the right word. It's not really "meditating" or even "introspection." It's more like "thinking" but without results.

Now that the weather is warming a bit, I've been "pondering" how the fates brought me to this time and place. How did I managed to have two children and neither one cares what I have to say? Most of the time I'm not sure I care what I have to say. Blah. Blah. Blah. Why do I bother to remind my children to take out the garbage, do their homework, eat their vegetables, put gas in the car?

Maybe I'll save my energy today. Instead I'll ponder on how a single flower can grow through a crack in the sidewalk, or how the face of a newborn makes everyone smile (even though I think most newborns look like Yoda). I'll think about how the sound of frogs croaking tells me it's almost spring or how the smell of steaks grilling reminds me of my childhood home.

To all my fellow stressed-out parents, I wish you a moment to ponder.

Photo © Gethin James - Fotolia.com

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Have you read Mary's Strategies for Building a Toolbox of Comfort on the A Wild Ride Web site this month? Mary offers some excellent ideas for Breathing and Relaxation Techniques. My personal favorite is: "Focus on your breathing to reduce tension, slow abdominal breathing – 8 breaths in – 5 breaths out. The slower you breathe the calmer you will become."

Mary also suggests that you find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted for 15-20 minutes. Okay, I can usually find the quiet place, but the problem is that my mind won't stay quieted for more than 30 seconds.

So, for those of us who have trouble letting our mind go and/or simply breathing, I offer this idea from Boston yoga and meditation instructor Joshua Summers (excerpted from Whole Living: Body + Soul, February 2008):

"Start Slowly. If you'd like to meditate but feel you don't have the time, start with one minute a day. The amount of time itself is somewhat irrelevant. They key is to start with something manageable and build on that. After a week, add another minute, and keep adding a minute every week. In 20 weeks, you'll be sitting for 20 minutes."

Okay, one minute. I think I can do that. I'll keep you posted.

Any other relaxation strategies? Send them to me or to Mary Scribner.

Photo © Saniphoto - Fotolia.com

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What Next?

Being a parent is supposed to be a rewarding experience right? That is what we grow up believing and that is what we expect.

However, sometimes life does not work out the way we expect it too. When I was expecting my daughter, I was elated to find she was a girl. I already had a son and a daughter would complete the picture.

My pregnancy was normal, and there were no complications. However in my 7th month, I went into labor. There were no causes for it, it just happens, I was told.

From the beginning, even when my daughter was in the infant ICU, I knew there were going to be problems. I was told to expect it. Premature babies suffer from a lot of different illness, some medical and some emotional.

My daughter grew out of her medical complications fairly quickly and became a thriving yet demanding child. I really never gave too much thought to it because she was so healthy. She was (and is) a beautiful and intelligent child who wanted everything.

I gave in most of the time, and as she grew older, her demands grew with her. Around 2 years old, I finally put of foot down and began the task of disciple and teaching her appropriate behavior.

She would have none of it. Her demands grew into fits of rage when she did not get what she wanted and violence when she was told no.

As she grew, I realized that something was not right. After being taken to several different doctors, and told that there was nothing wrong, frustration began to take hold of me.

No matter what method of discipline was used, nothing worked. Being a parent who does not believe in spanking, I tried everything else there is to try.

When my third child was born, my daughter did everything she could to get him out of our house. She would do things to hurt the baby, and it was necessary to monitor them at all times. They could never be left alone together.

At one point, it was necessary to hire a babysitter just to go food shopping because she did not get what she wanted.

The screams of rage and anger ran through our apartment building and neighbors would knock on our door to make sure she was all right.

One doctor suggested that I spend time alone with her and it seemed to work for a while, however the more time I spent with her, the more time she wanted. The more presents I bought her, the more she wanted. I was told that she was jealous of the new baby and could understand that. I set a side one day a week that I would spend just with her. It turned into a nightmare when she disappeared in a store one afternoon and the manager of the store locked it down so until we found her an hour later, underneath one of the displays.

When my daughter started school, she began to calm down; I thought that maybe that is what she needed. However, after about two months of school, the teacher called a parent teacher meeting. I found that my daughter was telling horrific stories about her home life and could not believe that she could come up with such things.

My daughter had taken aptitude tests in kindergarten and it was determined that she had learning disabilities which are common in premature babies.

The frustration that she felt at school was unleashed at home to the point where we did not know what to do. This has gone on for four years.

After years of bringing her to different doctors, we were referred to a behavioral specialist and it was determined that my daughter has many different disorders that need to treated with both therapy and medication.

She has responded very well to both treatments and is finally becoming a happy child. She even laughs now, something she has done rarely in the past.

The point of my story is that as parents, we all have instincts regarding our children. Never let someone tell you that your instincts are wrong. It is your child's health and welfare that is at stake, and if it is necessary to see twenty doctors to find answers then do it. No one knows your child better then you.

My daughter went through years of behavioral problems that could have been managed before they grew to the level that they did because I ignored my instincts and followed the advice of others.

As a parent, I felt that I let my daughter down by not pursuing every avenue. I followed advice that led to more problems and I was physically and emotionally drained from this experience.

Kelly is the mother of 3 children, 2 of which have severe difficulties. She lives in the New England region of US and is a work- at-home mom for 5 years.

Photo © Vasiliy Koval - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:35 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I've said before that the beauty of the Blogosphere is that we can share stories, ideas, strategies, viewpoints with millions of people. We can also make great "new" friends. One of my personal Blogger favorites is Krista Long. Check out her Blog Krista's Thoughts. But first read her piece on Expectations below.

When I originally found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, I did not have too many expectations of what being a parent was like. I was 19 years old, and living a fairly unstable nomadic life at that point. Finding out I was pregnant was like adding fertilizer to the garden. My growth increased, I started to unfurl, but it was not instantaneous.

Going through childbirth is to this day the one experience in my life that was the most intense. I think nothing else captures that sense of pain, exhaustion, joy, and expectation that the delivery process is.

I am an insatiable learner, and devoured books on parenting whole. I was determined to "do this right". Raising children was going to be my opus magna. Then, reality set in. I was doing it by the book, but the books often conflicted, and my son had his own ideas. We were poor, and by the time he was two I was working 50 hours a week, taking 9 credit hours in school, and still doing the brunt of the home and child care. By the time he was three, I was tired of the supermom life and moved my family 200 miles away from our home base to go to school full time. Along came my second child.

That was when things got really interesting. Things were not going well. I learned, I lived, but I fell prey to self-doubt. I believed I was the one going insane, when in reality, it was the chaos swirling around me. I had to let some things go, and grab on and hold tight to other things. I was damaged, but I survived. My children survived. My marriage did not. My career did not. My confidence in my abilities as a parent did not.

After that Winter came the Spring. I started to grow again. I adapted to the new life I had, learning to live and to parent anew. I embraced a new identity as the mother of a child with special needs, as the mother of boys, and as a single mother. I embraced motherhood.

And yet, I did not realize yet that those nebulous expectations still existed. I still expected my children to be children. I still expected that those in my life would respect my role as their mother, and as my older son's caregiver. And, even more importantly, I expected people to acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect. I still had needs beyond motherhood, and one of those was the need for a break.

I had not realized that I had not confronted the fact that my expectations of what life would be like at this point have been completely shattered. I have not mourned the loss of the life I dreamed of. I thought my children would be working towards independence and my life would look a lot different than it does.

Each day was and is a new adventure. I never know what to expect. And I have found my expectations to be shaped by the life I lived and by my experiences. I fall short of those expectations, and find myself revising them. My children do not fit in those expectations and I find myself revising them. And sometimes, something happens that makes me re-examine everything.

I have a quote in my e-mail signature that I get a lot of compliments on: "Bringing up a family should be an adventure, not an anxious discipline in which everybody is constantly graded for performance." ~ Milton R. Sapirstein (Paradoxes of Everyday Life). There is currently a lot of conflict in my oldest's son's Child and Family Team. (.pdf) A therapist I am seeing was reviewing the issues I brought up, a lot of which were a direct critique of me and my parenting, and a recommendation that my son go live with his father. This is not the place to go into details about the how or the why or even the rebuttals against some of the accusations being leveled at me.

But the point I am trying to make is that she said something that blew me out of the water. She looked at me and told me that she did not know if she could handle someone examining her parenting to that level of detail. I looked at her blankly for a second, and slowly realized a new paradigm. While I had verbalized the quote above, I had not internalized it. I had merely accepted the fact that my parenting was going to be scrutinized with a fine tooth comb because I had invited people into my life for help. I had internalized the "Your son has problems, therefore you must be a bad parent" message. I allowed others expectations and perceptions of me to guide what I was doing, instead of really figuring out what was truly best for my family.

We had had a discussion last week, because I am not doing so well at school, about failure and perfection. I realized something and said it through tears, "I can fail at school, but I can NOT fail at parenthood. The stakes are too high." That evolved into a discussion of how vulnerable you are when you present something as your best creative work and people tear it to shreds. People have been doing that to me for years. But now, I think I am ready to say it.

Raising my children, giving them boundaries while allowing them to develop into their own people, and coaching them and helping them through their lives, is my best creative work. I have put myself into it body and soul. And in spite of all the hardship, all the trauma, and the extra help our little family needs, I am proud of it. I am a good parent. I am not a perfect parent, and no one has a right to expect me to be one.

Posted by Elizabeth at 2:30 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

...Something Other than What You're Facing!

Our old friend Jen Zug from This Pile is back! Today she reminds us that sometimes our expectations of our children are unreasonable -- especially when they are only mimicking what that see us do and say.

Last Spring when Bryan and I were in the car with our two kids - a preschooler and a toddler - a verbal scuffle started in the back seat.

Ruthie (the preschooler): MOM! We're playing hide and seek, but Thomas won't stop counting!

We were in the car, and hiding consisted of covering her face with her hands. But still.

Me: Did you ask him to stop?

Ruthie then turns to Thomas and begins screaming at him to stop. I cringed as the echoes of her screams reverberated in my head.

Me: You need to ask him to stop without screaming at him. That's not okay.

Ruthie, in a horrifically matter-of-fact tone: But mom, I have to scream at him because he's not stopping.

At which point I smirk quietly to myself as Bryan throws his head back in that deep, bellowing, from-the-gut laugh that I love (but only when it's not at my expense), and he says, "You are SO BUSTED!"

Yes, it's true: I'm a screamer.

Mothering my daughter has not been an easy experience. But then again, I'm not sure why I thought it would be. I came into mothering with the expectation that I would lead, teach, correct, and mentor, and my daughter would lovingly follow.

This has not been the case. Instead, the scenario looks more like, expect, demand, shame, and force.

I read somewhere once that at the root of disappointment is failed expectation. When I saw this, I realized I had been expecting all the wrong things out of motherhood: I was expecting everything to go my way; I was expecting my daughter would be molded into what I wanted her to be; I was expecting to clock in every morning and clock out every evening.

I expected I could parent out of my own needs.

Through counseling and soul-searching and kinship with friends my eyes were opened to this, and I began to shift my expectations. Now, more and more, I expect my daughter to be tenacious and opposing, so I teach her to obey without stripping her of who she is; now I expect to be a mother all the time; now I expect to find joy in my children's' personalities, no matter how challenging.

In letting go of my own expectations, I have discovered what my children really need to gain life skills and be successful.

I think I have found the balance now. I scream a lot less these days, but not because my children's behavior has dramatically changed - my daughter's strength is still draining and keeps me on my toes. But rather, I have grieved my lost expectations and let them go.

And in letting go, I discovered my disappointment has turned to joy at being a mother to two beautiful, challenging children.

Read Jen's other Blog entries:

Photo © anna karwowska - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:16 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

From Terri Mauro's About.com/Parenting Special Needs Children:

Children with special needs often react badly to stress; they need us to remain calm and even-tempered even in the face of the most frightening symptoms or the most provocative behavior. A stressed-out, tired-out, emotionally drained parent can't provide that; but how do we manage to recharge our own batteries when it takes so much energy to care for our kids? Here's how to find everything from a respite provider to a support group to an e-mail list of understanding friends. Read Respite for Parents: Finding Ways to Take Care of Yourself.

For more on Respite Care, visit the National Respite Network.

Also, check out Terri's Web site. My favorite entry is How to Worry More Constructively.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:27 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I expected my son to be a daughter.
I expected him to sleep through the night at 7 weeks like his older brother.
I expected him to calm down when I picked him up from his crib.
I expected him to enjoy playing with other children.
I expected him to be happy.
I expected life with my second son to be different than it is.

By the time my son Jason turned three, I knew he was not like other children. Sights, sounds, and smells overwhelmed him. My expectations of becoming a stay-at-home mom (I worked full-time with my first son) became exactly that: We stayed-at-home. Three people in a room was one person too many.

Wondering if there was some medical explanation for his constant unhappiness, I took Jason to our pediatrician, Dr. Kyle. Fortunately there was nothing physiologically wrong with him, but the doctor suggested that Jason may be suffering from an undiagnosed neurologic disorder, and we began the search for calming activities.

I explained to Dr. Kyle that each day, when I noticed Jason’s anxiety and irritability escalate (usually after some over-stimulating activity like picking up his brother from school), I would play Mozart, Bach or Beethoven softly in the background. Dr. Kyle immediately recommended music therapy. .

Looking for activities we might both enjoy, I bought tickets to the symphony. We arrived early. A few people mingled in the lobby of the symphony hall. The massive windows allowed filtered sunlight to stream through, making the glistening chandeliers unnecessary. I debated whether to find our seats immediately or wait until closer to the performance time. If we sat too early, Jason would become restless. If we waited too long, the crowds of people might overwhelm him. We chose the former.

Not many children attended the symphony but those who did were dressed in their finest clothes, especially the girls. My son could not be convinced to wear anything other than shorts, t-shirt, and sweatshirt. Hey, we’re here, I reminded myself, and I let the clothing expectation go.

As the symphony played, Jason slowly leaned into my shoulder, less for comfort, more to escape the person on his right who might brush against him. By the second movement of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, Jason was asleep. I aroused him at intermission, thinking a treat would be welcomed but he chose not to leave our seats.

During the second half of the performance he stayed awake, but he climbed under our seats and curled into a ball. He remained there until the end of the performance. Thankfully the patrons next to us merely smiled.

Driving home from the concert, I asked my son the question no parent should ever ask because the answer will rarely be what you expected.

“Did you enjoy yourself today?”

“I hated it.”

“Oh, but I thought you liked classical music.”

“I do. It’s all the people I can’t stand.”

Never one to give up easily, I took Jason to the symphony again a few months later. This time he fell asleep so soundly that he peed all over himself and the plush velvet upholstery.

Not at all what I expected.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:15 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Part Two
Breaking the Grip of Exhaustion
by Patty Wipfler
Originally published on Hand in Hand.

Here are a few thoughts about what helps the cycle of worry and exhaustion that can weigh us down, and erode our enjoyment of mother- and fatherhood:

• You deserve help. Don't stop working to organize it! Family, friends, other parents of young children all can provide a welcome break, or a word of encouragement about how your child is doing.

• You don't deserve anyone's criticism. Spoken and unspoken judgment can weigh on our hearts and minds, and wear us down over time. And parents are "free targets" in a way that would be unheard of for members of groups that have organized to protect their interests as a group. No one would think of going up to a senior citizen who was using a walker, and tell him that he should be doing his walking some other way. But people assume that a parent with a child who's whining in public should have a piece of their mind, or should at least have a disapproving glance. You don't have to accept poor treatment. You can set limits with other grownups--you do it all the time with your children. You have the right to take the stance that, "This isn't an easy day, and I'm doing the best that I can. If you want to help me, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. If you are not going to help, then I ask you to keep your thoughts to yourself."

• You deserve time to debrief. Parenting takes a lot of thought and emotional effort! Someone listening to you, even if all you say is "I’m so tired!" over and over, will help. When our thoughts and feelings stay trapped inside our minds, they eat up our energy and keep us concentrated on our troubles. Saying what's on your mind, and showing the feelings you control all day long, is a big relief! Split 20 minutes of listening time with someone who can actually let you talk uninterrupted, and who will keep an attitude of respect for you throughout, no matter what your thoughts or feelings are. It makes a difference!

• You may need to address exhaustion. When you're so tired that resting doesn't really refresh you, you've become exhausted. At that point, it's hard to do anything but march in place, getting the most necessary things done. Your ability to solve problems creatively is at low ebb. What helps an exhausted parent is to try to relax near someone who cares, and to have that person be quiet and "watch over" you, while you either talk, or sleep, or just say how tired you are, over and over, and how hard it is to be that tired. Someone to watch over you makes all the difference. Exhaustion means that big feelings, usually of isolation or too little hope or no one really caring, are mixed in with the tiredness. Having someone care and watch over you helps with that emotional load. A good cry is often the result, either during a rest or some time thereafter. And that good cry can relieve the heavy feel of things. For some of us, the person we can call on is a partner, or perhaps a brother or sister, or a really good friend. For some, the relief of being alone after the children have gone to bed brings that sense of protected time, for others, a beloved pet, and for many, remembering a divine being. As long as we feel some love and caring coming toward us while we rest, we're on our way out of exhaustion. To set up this kind of respite time, we need to ask for exactly what we want--no one comes along to say, "You rest. I'll watch over things, and guard you for an hour." Perhaps friends should know to help with the exhaustion of hard working parents, but most people are shy to offer, or caught up in their own sagas. So we need to invite them to help.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that even on a day when we've been hard on our children or hard on ourselves, we've done the best that we could do! We may need to acknowledge that our best was pretty crummy today. And we certainly need to keep reaching to build good support for ourselves and for the work that's so important to us. But every parent can go to bed at night saying, "I did my best." And every child will wake up in the morning glad to be awake, loving his parents and eager for the best that we can do again that day!

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:44 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In my continuous search for stories and strategies to support parents in challenging situations, I occasionally find an excellent resource. When I stumbled upon Patty Wipfler's piece titled We’re Doing Our Best, I realized that I’d found a resource that not only describes the feelings of our misplaced parental expectations but also offers some suggestions.

Reprinted by permission.

Part One

We're Doing our Best
by Patty Wipfler

I'm struck again and again by how hard each parent I know tries to do well by his child! We make great efforts, moment-by-moment and day by day. Once the efforts begin, we never stop caring. We never stop trying. We never stop noticing how we're doing. And we frequently worry about how our children are doing.

We make our constant effort to parent, without much chance to stand back and say, "Gee, it's going well!" "Isn't she going to turn out nicely!" "How strong and loving he is!" "They're bound to turn out just fine!" Matter of fact, most of us can't say that we're ever really sure that our children are going to be fine. And some of the time, we can't say that we're going to be fine, either! We push forward so often on low energy, little information, not much help, and too little patience, especially for ourselves.

We Have Reason to be Pleased

Here are a few of the things I think it helps to remember, in order to be pleased with ourselves at the end of the day.

Parenting IS hard work. It's wonderful, deeply moving, really challenging, and difficult. Difficult not because children are inherently difficult, but because:

• we're expecting perfection of ourselves in a situation in which we haven't been trained, coached, mentored, or assisted.
• it takes a lot of attention to stay flexible and patient with a young child for even a couple of hours.
• there are no "second string" players to call in when we, the primary players, are worn or sick or don’t know what to do.
• children have lots of feelings every day, and very few of us grownups have ever been clued in as to what to do with human emotion. Our only training has been to suppress feelings, and that tactic doesn't work well with children, or with us. Feelings come squirting out anyhow!
• our children have very high expectations of us and of life in general. We sense those high expectations, meet them as often as we can, and feel badly when we hit a hard patch.
• most of us didn't get the quality of attention and generosity that we're trying to give to our children. Our parents often improved greatly on the job their parents did, and their parents had improved on the job done with them. We can't see long-range success we're creating in the long chain of parenting effort that we're part of.

So parenting can feel really hard at times.

And still, it's the wonderful sweet center of our lives, and our love. Our children love us deeply, long to be with us, and see how special we are. They beckon us into play and fun that we wouldn't otherwise think to have. They give us permission to be silly, to be sweet, to be tender. They give us permission to love without limit. And we do. They thrive on our love. The relationships we build with them are precious.

Read Part Two , Breaking the Grip of Exhaustion, on February 1st.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:20 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Read Karen's January story about Missy and the birthday party invitation on the A Wild Ride Web site.

Changing Views

When you have a disabled child, outsiders often see you, as the parent, tied to your child. And that perception colors the way they see her. Your child is viewed as dependent and incapable of relationships outside of you. Other parents may even make the assumption that your child doesn’t need relationships beyond his/her family. You may have even, unknowingly fostered those beliefs. Your child has experienced difficulties in life that most children haven’t. You’ve been protective and perhaps afraid of what will happen if you’re not there. But if you want a healthy child, you have to let go and let her have new experiences. And you can start by making a simple list.

List all of the experiences that her peers have, and then cross off those which your child has experienced. Chances are-what you are left with are activities that require your child to be without you. These are experiences that take place with peers. And they may be activities that you have little control over- activities that perhaps your child isn’t invited to or included in.

Let Go and Ask for Help

• Start with yourself. With your list as a guide, now it’s time to do some soul searching. Does your child really need you to be present at each activity? If the answer is “yes”, then mark that event off the list. But think hard before you do so. Of those left, are there some situations that can be handled by someone else, such as a parent at a birthday party?
• Now focus on your child. If your child were invited to a birthday party today, what accommodations would he need? Does he need to be reminded to use the bathroom? Is there a way that you handle her anxiety or his hyperactivity? What are the things that you do for your child that could be passed on to another adult?
• The hard part. Probably the most difficult part of being the parent of a child with disabilities is to ask for help. Parents, and certainly children, don’t realize that your child is left out of birthday parties or other social events. Share your concerns with your close circle of friends- tell them that you’d like your child to have the experience of going to birthday parties or other extracurricular activities. Seize opportunities throughout the year; talk with other parents at social, sports, or other informal events. Talk to your child’s teacher, her coaches and her daycare provider. As word spreads, your child will begin receiving invitations. But in the meantime, choose a friend or two who have children and ask if your child could be invited to their child’s birthday party or another activity. It may seem staged to you and it may feel uncomfortable to ask, but if you don’t take a chance with the expectation that people really do want to help, your child will miss out on a wonderful opportunity that will foster independence.

Communicating with Other Parents

Think through all the things that happen at a birthday party or other kid-event. Consider the food, the activity level and the expectations that will be put on your child. What can you do now to ensure your child’s success?

Communicate with the adult who will be present either by phone or in person. Start by saying how excited your child is to be invited. Next, go over what they can expect from your child. If your child needs to arrive early to get acclimated to the area, simply ask. If your child has idiosyncrasies that you handle in a certain way, share those. For example, if your child is in the habit of asking “why” a million times, tell the parent how you get around it. And certainly if your child has any dietary restrictions, share those. Bring along your own food if absolutely necessary. But remember, the parent responsible for the event will have a flurry of activity and responsibilities to juggle, so don’t go over every single aspect of your child’s personality. Share only those things that will most likely come up during the party. You don’t want your child’s presence to be a burden. So stay positive and keep it brief.

Keep it Going

Once your child is invited to one party, it is likely that he’ll be invited to others. But if that doesn’t happen, be ready to advocate for your child once again. Relationships outside of the school house doors are an integral part of growing up; they’re a rite of passage that no child should have to miss out on.

Karen writes for A Wild Ride and her own site Write Now.

Photo © Hallgerd - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:58 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This year, on the A Wild Ride Web site, our theme is What to Expect When Parenting Isn't What You Expected.

One of our readers had this to say about Expectations.

Elizabeth, I'm not seeing on the blog the consideration that parenting is harder than expected -- because our expectations are unrealistic! Sometimes I think our generation's sense of entitlement has indeed led us to want things to come easily to us. Maybe it's consumerism - or even feminism --that has inadvertently added to this to make us think we can/should have/do it all. All of the above!

Nurturing the skills for our kids to become their best selves is an amorphous, unpredictable process. It takes endless listening, flexibility, hope and maturity on our part. Strong cultural values and support don't really exist, so we're winging it. Sure puts a lot of stress on our frayed and overextended social networks! Ah, for the days when the elders would counsel us and the community would work together to raise the kids in the longhouse.

Nowadays, I think sometimes when we look for balance or "time for ourselves" we start to keep score instead. It might be more helpful to focus instead on the wonder of unconditional love and our capacity for giving. On honesty and trust in our relationships, and learning to identify and ask for the help we need. On forgiveness (ourselves, our spouses, parents, and kids) comfort (soup, chocolate, baths), and "the big picture" (spring is coming!) to see our way to real balance.

Over the holidays we spent time with my brother's family. Both he and his wife have dedicated but not high-paying careers (he's a craftsman contractor; she's a high school teacher) and they have two darling kids; a one year old daughter and three year old son. It's an intense time for them, with some visible stress evident at the seams. My holiday wish for them (and I can't really tell them but I can tell you!) is that they GIVE UP on some of what they're trying to do. Don't send the cards, do the tree, brine the turkey, go out with friends, keep the house spotless. Turn on the TV, buy a pre-made chicken, let the toys sit out awhile and sleep in with the kids in bed! Know that rules are guidelines, not rigid doctrines, and that as parents the main thing is to maintain your sense of humor.

I also realize it's more about acceptance than giving up...I am so aware right now that the kids grow up dang fast. The less you fight the unpredictability and accept being a mom or dad as a big part of your mission, the happier you are.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:57 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My son's teacher, and our good friend, suffered a major stroke earlier in the school year. His recovery is slow but steady. He's an amazing man. His wife is an inspiration to all of us as we individually deal with our own challenges. Almost every day, Judy writes on her husband's Care Page, letting all of their family and friends know what major or minor progress Kim made since the last time she posted. Today, at the bottom of her update, Judy wrote:

May I continue to trust the turbulence of this river we're in.

Thanks, Judy! I needed that reminder. ~ Elizabeth

© Impala - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:27 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today is my birthday and I wanted to share a sense of celebration. Rarely do we Mothers take a moment for ourselves, even on our own birthday. For some reason, we feel it's selfish.

So, take a few minutes today to relax, breathe deeply, and honor Mothers young and old, with special emphasis on yourself.

Elizabeth

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:01 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:52 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Another Love Note from Terri Mauro at About.com.

You Are a Good Parent

There may be people in your life who would tell you different. Your discipline seems too strict, or too lax. You don't shuttle your child to all the right activities. You're not pushing her to be at the top of her class -- happy and passing is a pretty good goal. Sometimes he acts up in church or melts down at the mall, and you feel those judgmental stares. You may hear that you're causing your child's problems, or handling them all wrong. But you know your child better than anybody. You know what works; you know what he can handle; you create an environment in which she can be successful. Doing what's best for your child, without worrying what others might think -- isn't that just what any good parent would do?

Posted by Elizabeth at 11:55 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Another Love Note from Terri Mauro at About.com.

You Are Tough!

Those wimps on "Survivor" have nothing on you. "Outwit - Outplay - Outlast" could be your motto, whether you're dealing with manipulative children, uncooperative educators, unresponsive insurance companies, unsympathetic family members, therapists who refuse to listen and doctors who don't seem to care. You stay focused, you develop your strategies, you form alliances, and you do what needs to be done. Because you are understanding and caring and loving, people may mistake you for a pushover. You may even prefer cooperation and compromise to force and subterfuge. But that doesn't mean you don't have the latter two weapons at your disposal. Your other motto? "Whatever works."

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:54 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In honor of Mother's Day and National Women's Health Week, Terri Mauro, the guide for Parenting Special Needs Guide on About. com, offers a series of Love Notes for Mothers. Here is one of my favorites. Check out her site for other words of inspiration.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:27 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I received this recently from a friend. A good friend. A woman who I know I can count on. Always. A woman who is a mom and who knows what it is like to have her hands full with childhood needs, sometimes ones that nothing in life seems to fulfill. I don't know who wrote it, but it speaks to me. It speaks to the power of trust and the power of people who truly understand.

Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end. BUT... sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you... or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, mothers, grandmothers, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.

When we began this adventure called womanhood [and motherhood], we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:35 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

And it should be a hot topic every week, every day, every minute, every second, every nanosecond, every breath. OK, I'm getting carried away! But you get the point. It is just so easy to ignore, shove aside our health needs because that thing called LIFE gets in the way. We're caring for children, sometimes very difficult children, working, living, and before we know it our time, resources and focus have vanished.

But ignoring our health is a DANGER! DANGER! I know that expression, "If you have your health, you have everything." Or is it, "Without your health you don't have anything?" But either way, it's true. Check-ups, prevention, information, choices, initiative – they are all important to maximizing your health. They help us be happy. They help us be effective and patient parents. Here are a few good resources to check out:

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention offers a site just for women. You'll find information on healthy living, safety, hotlines, facts and stats, the Office of Women's Health, what's new, tips for a healthy life, and much more.

National Women's Health Resource Center . Read about National Women's Health week, contraception health, health topics from A - Z, columns, news room, and lots of other great information.

The National Institutes of Health has a website called Medline Plus that includes a women's section. The site offers important topics like domestic violence, osteoporosis, breast reconstruction, cervical health, gay and lesbian health, and heart hearth. This is matter-of-fact material with good definitions and many great links.

I hope you (and I) will create a little time to look at these and other resources. Keep them handy. You never know when you might want a little information. However, be sure that if you are concerned about a possible problem, don't overload yourself with too much information. Take your ideas to your health care provider and talk them over.

Here's to your health,
Nina

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:56 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In honor of Mother's Day, some of us at A Wild Ride want to share our own mother's stories. Here's the first in the series:

Yes. My mother did not know how to slow down her life. Often she couldn't. And more often, she wouldn't. But the drive that kept her going began years earlier. The youngest of six in an immigrant family, she was one part babied and one part emboldened. Nervous around anger, but willing to go the distance when she needed to.

As a young child, herself a religious, discriminated-against minority, my mother's best friend was a little black girl with flaming red hair. For this, other children threw rocks at her head and called her names that make my ears shrivel. My mom, emboldened, played with her friend anyway.

My mother was a nurse. Her heavy, gray, wool nursing cape lives on an old hanger in my closet, years away from when she earned it – the rascal Jewish girl in a catholic hospital's nursing program. (Yes, she and friends did short-sheet the young nuns' beds. And the nuns loved it.) My grandfather, small and peaceful by the time I knew him, discouraged my mother from becoming a nurse. "I don't want a daughter of mine emptying bedpans!" he declared. (Only to trade his trepidations for pride three years later.) She went anyway.

She never wavered in her commitment to health. As a Mother & Baby public health nurse, she drove the Arizona desert, treating families and their newborns, some living in piano boxes to escape the blistering sun and winds. One day, during our stint in Arizona, my five-billion-watt brainy older brother's fifth grade teacher hauled him into the paint room and whooped his behind with a paddle. She was no doubt thinking, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Yeah, right.

My mother, still nervous around the beast, anger, deftly walked into the principal's office, her curly hair smoking. "It might be okay with the school district to hit children, but it's NOT okay with me," she said. "I don't spank my children and neither should you. Ever!"

My mother hovered, always, around the bottom line. My dad was great. He was active in scouts, took us fishing, taught me to swim. He cooked salami and eggs and grilled steaks. He ironed his own shirts. He loved us. He loved and supported my mom. But at the end of the day (actually, all day) my mother held down the domestic fort. For someone called "Babe" by her parents and siblings, she felt immense responsibility for our family. As my father's heart troubles worsened, she worked even harder to balance our family axis. It didn't bend her, but it took its tool.

Study. Learn. Study. Learn. An RN and always top dog wherever she worked – she was even MY boss one summer – my mother burrowed into the academic world she loved. Not because she was motivated by competition and ego, but because she loved to learn, expand her boundaries, move beyond the echo of "I don’t want a daughter of mine emptying bed pans!"

My mother went back to school and earned an MA, MPH, and a PhD. At the age of 82, just retired, she had a Bat Mitzvah. Standing proud on the bema (podium) with the other women in her class, my mother read in Hebrew and delivered a talk that – as it should – thrilled her to the bone. I'm not sure an audience was even necessary!

As ambitious as I am to accomplish a lot during my lifetime, and leave even a tiny scratch of hope on the surface of many people's lives, I do not strive to be Energizer Bunny II. The consequences to personal wellbeing are too great. Yet I feel immense awe and tender appreciation for the trail my mother blazed, for the love she encircled me and my family with, and what she infused into the world she left behind.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:54 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Lessons I Learned from My Own Mother

Happiness is not a place.

Be frugal – not cheap.

You can do anything you want to do. (Just do it with dignity and class.)

Enjoy life now – don’t wait until the kids are grown, or you retire, or you have enough money.

Believe in yourself (even if no one else, except your mother, will).

Give people the benefit of the doubt – most people do not set out to hurt you deliberately .

Don’t play the victim role (it’s very unbecoming).

Don’t wear blue eye shadow (you look like a “streetwalker”).

Focus on your good health while you have it – you may lose it without notice.

As a mother, do the best you can. But remember you will make mistakes and some of those mistakes will be huge.

Love your own mother now with all her faults because all too soon she’ll be gone.

If your own mother has already passed away, remember her, faults and all, with love and understanding and forgiveness.

Photo by Mary Pohlmann

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:01 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This afternoon, I read a wonderful article about mothers, our commitment to children, our abhorrence of war, our desire for peace.

Here are a few excerpts. You can read the whole article on the The Nation's blog:

The Real Mother’s Day Tradition

"Arise then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether your baptism be of water or of tears!" So begins the original Mother's Day proclamation of 1870, written by Julia Ward Howe, who also authored "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" as an anti-slavery activist in 1862.

In a new video by Robert Greenwald and Brave New Films, in collaboration with CODEPINK, Gloria Steinem explains the original intent behind Ward Howe's Mother's Day idea: "Mother's Day really was in its origin an anti-war day, an anti-war statement. Julia Ward Howe was sickened by what had happened during the Civil War--the loss of life, the carnage. And she created Mother's Day as a call for women all over the world, to come together, and create ways of protesting war, of making a kind of alternate government that could finally do away with war as an acceptable way of solving conflict."

The video renews the original Mother's Day call for women's leadership in pursuing peace, offering support for the organization Victims No More as a concrete way to take action and help Iraqi children who have been wounded in the war.

Alfre Woodard [actress]explains her motivation to take part in the video and support this Mother's Day renewal: "My mother used to say all the time, ‘I look after people's kids, because one day I know somebody will look after my kids. I feed people's kids, because I know somebody one day will feed my kids.' That informs a lot of who I am as a mother. That I know I'm not only parenting Mavis and Duncan, but I'm responsible for every child that comes through."

"Why do not the mothers of mankind interfere in these matters to prevent the waste of that human life of which they alone bear and know the cost?" Ward Howe wrote in a journal entry.

Chocolates are great, and should be given frequently and generously to mothers, partners and friends alike. But there is nothing – nothing – sweeter than peace. Julia Ward Howe understood that, and this weekend we mothers resolve once again to pursue her cause.

Go the The Nation's site to read about Peace Pies and peace activities taking place all over the world this Mother's Day week-end.

Happy Mother's Day ~ Nina

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:01 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The 7th annual National Women's Health week is May 13 – 19. The week is dedicated to raising awareness and educating women about improving their physical and mental health. This effort calls attention to the importance of preventative care and health screenings and encourages women to take time and “reconnect to your health.”

Participating organizations have identified five key areas of healthy living; visiting a health professional once a year, eating well, exercising, not smoking, and following basic safety rules.

If you haven’t already had your check-up this year, now would be a good time to schedule an appointment with your health care professional. What a perfect Mothers Day gift to yourself; the gift of self-care.

In addition to caring for your health, make sure you include having lunch at your favorite restaurant and enjoy a brisk walk afterward. Speaking of walking, I’ve just learned about the WOMAN fitness challenge that begins on Mother’s Day, May 13. I’m joining women from all over the country to embark on an eight-week walking challenge to improve my health. This program encourages participants to walk 10,000 steps or get 30 minutes of moderate physical exercise a day. The challenge includes motivational e-mails and health tips to help you reach your goal. Join me in the walking challenge. My goal is to walk at least 10,000 steps a day without leaving town. Check it out at National Women's Health Information Center . You can register to walk and choose from six different virtual routes across America. I’m still deciding on my route but I’d love some company. I have my pedometer ready. You can order yours from Oregon Scientific. Go to Weather Connection and search "pedometer." See you on the road (virtual, that is).

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:17 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Let's face it. We mothers of challenging children are a special breed when it comes to Mother's Day. As Terri Mauro, Guide on About.com's Parenting Special Needs site, suggests "things like sleep. Understanding. Revenge." are much more appropriate for our mother's day than the traditional gifts. On her site this month, Terri wrote:

To my loving partner in parenting:

I know you're trying to figure out a Mother's Day present for me (and if you aren't, take this as a big, fat hint).

Jewelry is a lovely thought, but not exactly practical, given that our child might steal, break, perseverate on, or require us to hock anything nice to pay for medical expenses. Candy is always appreciated, but since I've just consumed all the children's Easter sweets to save them from obesity, diabetes, and allergens, I'm not really in the mood.

Instead, honey, why not pick one of these gifts I'd really love. They may take a little more effort than something in the Hallmark aisle, but they'll make a big difference to me.

To read Terri's list of ten possible gifts, visit A Special-Needs Mother's Day Wish List.

Terri is the author of The Everything Parent's Guide to Sensory Integration Disorder. Her website Mothers With Attitude, offering "humor and help for adoptive moms, special-needs moms, any old moms at all," was recognized as a USA Today Hot Site and a Good Housekeeping Site of the Day.

Posted by Elizabeth at 11:11 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Last night Dr. Mel Levine spoke to a crowd of 450 parents and teachers in Tacoma, Washington. I’ve heard Dr. Levine speak before. He liberally peppers his lecture on learning abilities with humorous anecdotes. The crowd laughs along as he explains why some children struggle in school and some succeed. As a Professor of Pediatrics and Director of the Clinical Center for the Study of Development and Learning at the University of North Carolina Medical School, Founder of All Kind Of Minds Institute and a best-selling author, Dr. Levine knows what he is talking about when it comes to describing how “to recognize learning challenges as learning differences.”

During last night’s talk, I was struck by the fact that the advice he offered for helping our challenging children could easily apply to us mothers. For instance, Dr. Levine suggested that an adolescent who struggles in school, never makes the sports team, is not quick-witted or popular should take a long look at a student who is. “But don’t compare yourself to the high school Superstar,” Dr. Levine warned. “Seriously consider the possibility that this may well be his finest hour. There is a good chance he’ll be working for you someday.”

And so it goes for us mothers. How often have I measured my own parenting abilities against those of another mother on the playground who plays imaginative games with her child and his friends while I am lucky to get to the playground at all? And how often have I compared myself against the mother who bakes cookies with her daughter as an after school activity when I can barely prepare a decent evening meal. I don’t judge these women as being insufferable. I judge myself as being inadequate.

Today I resolve not to measure my own worth as a parent based on the perceived success of other mothers. I will go through my day dealing with mothering issues and dilemmas on my own terms. And if I see the mother whose son is an honor roll student, the captain of the football team, a volunteer firefighter, and the heartthrob of the high school, I will remember that this may be her finest hour, and perhaps some day her son will work for mine.

To read more about Dr. Mel Levine and his ground-breaking philosophy, go to http://www.allkindsofminds.org

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:47 AM in Nurturing Ourselves | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)