A Wild Ride: Our Blog

In addtion to the web sites we listed a couple of days ago, Mary Scribner suggests several good books on the topic of Special Needs Siblings written by Don Meyer from the Sibling Support Project.

Sibshops, Workshops for Siblings of Children With Special Needs with Patricia Vadasy

Living with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs – A book for Sibs

The Sibling Slam Book: What It’s Really Like to Have a Brother or Sister With Special Needs

Also, check out the The Sibling Support Project Store for more books and videos.

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:14 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Welcome Momference participants and other parents dealing with special needs and sibling rivalry! As promised, here are several Web resources for those of us dealing with special needs children and their siblings. If you have other resource suggestions, please send them to Mary Scribner.

Families Together, Inc. is a parent training and information center out of Kansas, Mo. That serves families with special needs children. It has some great resources on topics of interest to families, links to national resources.

LDonline.org offers up-to-date information about learning disabilities to related issues parent tips, resources.

The Sibling Support Project is a list serve for young brothers and sisters of kids with various special needs.

Partnership for Learning provides articles for the sibling of a special needs child.

Visit Special Needs Parenting for some excellent resource for children with learning challenges.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:21 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Welcome Momference participants and other parents dealing with special needs and sibling rivalry!

Helping Kids Get Along

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:

• Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."

• Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met.

• Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.

• Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.

• Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

• Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.

• Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many kids fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.

• If your children frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)

• If fights between your school-age children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

• Recognize when kids just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.

• Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

Getting Professional Help

Many parents feel frustrated and ineffective due to a high degree of sibling quarreling. If you have questions about sibling rivalry and would like strategies and a fresh perspective, call a parent coach.

In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or particularly affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In those cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional. Seek help for sibling conflict if it:

• is so severe that it's leading to marital problems
• creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member
• is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being of any family member
• may be related to another psychiatric disorder, such as depression

Talk with your doctor, who can help you determine whether your family might benefit from professional help and refer you to local mental health resources.

Adapted from: Sibling Rivalry @ Kids Health for Parents

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:11 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

And here's a final idea from Kirsten Locke. Visit Suite 101: Special Needs Parenting for more information.

Also, inform the abled children about their sibling’s particular disability and what it entails. You may even get the non-impaired children involved in their sibling’s care, as is fitting to each age and situation. Very young children may not understand more than ‘Danny is fragile, so we have to be more careful,’ while older juveniles may be able to take their special siblings for a walk in the park or other fun activities. Encourage interaction in whatever form is possible. Despite whatever needs each represents, they are still brothers and sisters and need to be able to connect with each other and learn to get along.

Take Parenting Breaks and Get Other Help as Possible
Making private time for each child and for yourself can be difficult, especially if you have one with severe problems or otherwise requiring round-the-clock care. Again, organization and scheduling is your best friend. Obtaining child care breaks is very important and should be marked on the calendar as often as possible. Not just for you the parent, but for the rest of your household as well.

If your insurance or other aspects of your budget do not adequately cover respite care, ask your family physician, local church or other such helpful organization about obtaining aid. Many wonderful groups and charities exist for whatever special needs any of your children may have, too, and some of these organizations may offer some sort of day care swap, financial aid or similar help. Find your local chapter and see what resources are available. When possible, find other parents who are dealing with similar issues to yours and set up play groups or even a neighborhood child care co-op. The moral support alone from interacting with other families can help ease the stress that comes with this type of demanding family life. And less stress can mean fewer squabbles at home.

Even if you have two or more children who all suffer from similar, or even differing disabilities, rivalry can occur. The above suggestions are just as useful in this circumstance. So whether dealing with one child who has special needs along with other ‘abled’ children or handling two or more children each with disabilities of their own, the above basics can be applied to any household. Scheduling, special one-on-one time, positive reinforcement, education and care breaks are tools available to any parent. No matter what shape their particular family may take.

Photo © binagel - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:58 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here is another idea from Kirsten Locke. Visit Suite 101: Special Needs Parenting for more information.

Praises and other positives go a long way, too, and can be doled out with as much frequency as you can manage. And always be sure to let each child, no matter their condition, know that they are special and loved in your eyes no matter what. Make the effort every day. Everyone will feel better when positive messages are provided on a regular basis.

Keep in mind that even when they receive their own time with their parents and other positives, non-disabled siblings may still feel neglected on occasion and act out on those negative feelings. This is due to all the extra attention that usually needs to be poured into their disabled sibling’s care. When a tantrum or other emotional flare-up occurs, time-outs followed by heart-to-heart talks are always good. And again, emphasize with them that they are just as special and loved as anyone else in the family.

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:57 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Kirsten Locke offers great suggestions for any parent dealing with sibling rivalry. Visit Suite 101: Special Needs Parenting for more information.

Here are some tips for managing the jealousy that can occur between brothers and sisters when one or more have special needs.

Parenting in general can be overwhelming. Add a disability, whether it be physical, mental, learning-oriented or some other condition, and the job can be that much more daunting. When there is more than one child involved, no matter how able or disabled they each may be, there are ways to handle the juggling act that is parenthood so that the entire family can grow healthy bonds with each other. And so that everyone can cope with the challenges that such a household can bring.

Get Organized and Stay on Schedule

Taking care of a special needs child can take up a vast majority of a guardian’s time and energy. From learning everything you can about the condition and what it entails, to various doctor and specialist appointments, to seeing about special accommodations both at home and at school, the list of things that must be done can seem endless. Fitting time and effort into more than cursory attention to the better-abled children who are also under your care can easily fall by the wayside without realizing it.

Being organized is essential. Keep track of your efforts. One of the best things any parent can do to is to schedule not only doctor and other appointments but also certain events such as playtime. Be sure to set aside time for each child individually, at least once a week if not more, along with other family time. This does not mean you can’t be spontaneous, but it does allow breaks in your busy pace to occur more often if you purposely pen them in between all the other appointments.

Read more.

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:51 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So how does the developing normally sibling feel? Autism and the Empress shares her story:

I never thought I'd see the day when my children would rival each other. My two eldest (a boy and a girl) were quite close. Being three years apart, they played together, ate together, were disobedient together and thus, disciplined together. Although they are adults now, they remain close.

Not so with my teenager and ER. They are not the best of friends. There's five years between them, but that shouldn't constitute the attitudes, bickering and yes, sometimes fighting amongst them.

From the comments I receive....my teenager is jealous. He feels I pay more attention to ER than him. He says I allow ER to "get away with things" I wouldn't allow him to get away with. Oh, and also, I buy ER more things from the store than I do him. When these comments are flying back and forth over me, I stop and take a look at myself. Am I doing all that he claims? In a way, I have to say....yes. Am I doing it knowingly? No.

I try to explain to my teenager that ER has a disability and with that disability comes special needs that should be met. "He doesn't care for water, so I buy him juice to mix with the water. You love water," I'll say to him. Unfortunately, these needs that should be met have caused a sort of resentment in him and it shows in several ways:

a) He has no mercy for ER. He feels ER should be just as tough as anyone else.

b) He teases ER. I've caught him on several occasions when he feels I am not looking and have also been told by other family members.

c) He isn't willing to lift a hand. When asked to do something for ER, he grumbles and complains.

My teenager's resentments are therefore having a negative effect on ER in several ways:

a) He strikes out in anger. When ER looses on a video game he will get up and hit my teenager even when he's not the one playing against him.

b) He does not want my teenager to touch him or tell him what to do. I was watching them cross the parking lot this morning and my teenager put his hand on ER to protect him from the oncoming car. ER screamed and moved his hand away.

c) Any playtime turns to violence. On the off chance that the two of them do play together, it often turns into a hitting fest.

Between the both of them, I feel more like a referee than a mother. I've tried my best to spread myself equally between the two of them. But, there is only so much spreading a single parent can do. I've encouraged my teenager to start attending the local Teen Center down the street to mingle and make friends with kids his own age. He is finally doing that.

As far as their brotherhood, I hope and pray it will develop beyond the jealousy stage. A good family relationship is so important -- for them and for me.

Read more from this author.
Photo © Monika Adamczyk - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:39 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here's another great piece on Sibling Rivalry and the Special Needs Child. This time I found the story and strategies posted on one of my favorite sites for parents of challenging children. The site is called The Special Parent and it is dedicated to "those extraordinary mothers and fathers who devote their lives to provide the most meaningful existence possible to their special needs child."

It was a long and trying day. Katherine was challenged (and that’s polite) by this project for class. It’s beyond anything she’s ever done. Sometimes a challenge is a good thing. This much challenge….probably not. Hindsight being 20/20 I should have intervened with the teacher earlier. I most likely will because the balance of the project is likely to create similar results. But I digress….

As all this chaos is going on I worry. Sure I worry that Katherine will break the door with the slamming, or hurt herself with the head banging. Yea, I worry that I’ll eventually lose my cool and blow up at her. But today what really stuck with me was how I worried about the impact all this chaos has on her brother, Donovan.

Donovan is 2 - just shy of 2 ½ actually. He’s at the age where you have tantrums anyway so of course I worry about what he might pick up to add to his repertoire. He’s an amateur compared with his sister and I’d like to keep it that way.

Mostly what I worry about though is how being the sibling of Katherine impacts him daily. Not everyday is hellish chaos. But everyday does seem to have some challenge or issue that sucks attention from Donovan. Right now I think being the younger child helps. If he had been first born he’d probably notice the fact that I get sucked away to deal with Katherine as a sudden deficit to him. I hope that right now at least he sees that as a normal part of life around here. As he gets older, I’m concerned he’ll have issues, even be resentful of some of the things that go on with Katherine around.

Maybe there’s something to be resentful of. Katherine does get a lot of attention and time. She requires it even when she isn’t in a tantrum. I know that my husband and I work very hard to make sure that Donovan gets special time with each of us, either on weekends or during the day when Katherine is in school to balance this out. We also make sure that one of us is with him when the other of us is dealing with Katherine. I worry he’ll think I care more for Katherine than him because I spend so much time addressing her needs.

NICHY (National Information Center for Children & Youth with Disabilities) has a great list which I hope to follow to lessen some of these concerns as he continues to age.

1. Limit the caregiving responsibilities of siblings
2. Schedule special time with the non-disabled sibling
3. Let siblings settle their own differences
4. Welcome other children and friends into the home
5. Praise all siblings
6. Involve all siblings in family events and decisions
7. Require the disabled child to do as much as possible for himself or herself
8. Recognize each child’s unique qualities and family contributions
9. Seek out sibling-related organizations such as the Sibling Support Project which is a national effort dedicated to the life-long concerns of brothers and sisters of people who have special health, developmental and/or mental health concerns.

While I have no question that he already deeply loves his sister, and I have no reason to believe that will change, I also believe that even the best sibling relationship is difficult. Adding the types of disabilities Donovan is going to be asked to deal with at such a young age…..all I have to do is think about how hard it is for me to deal with and I recognize how much more I’m asking of him. I hope I’m able to help him through it. I hope he’ll grow to appreciate the incredibly special opportunity he has as well.

I’m fairly new to this piece of the journey. I’d be interested in hearing what other parents have to say about the ways in which they handle sibling issues between their special needs and “typical” kids.

The author of The Special Parent is Kyron Arambula. Kyron is "a mom to a two wonderful children, one of whom has special needs - in less than pc terms she has disabilities - or as some I know like to say, she’s “differently abled”. Because of this I’m constantly on the search for information that can give me the ability to make the most of her different ABILITIES…of which she has many!"

To read more from Kyron visit her web site The Special Parent.

Photo © Monika Adamczyk - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:10 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My Brother. My Enemy. My Friend.
One Sibling's Story

“Yeah, I’m upset.” I hear my older son say. I peek into his room. He’s talking on the phone, pacing the floor, fingering a business card. “You said to call you when I was really fed up. Well, I’m really fed up. Why does he get all the attention? Why does my Mom spend all her time with him? She’s too tired to do anything with me. She can’t even think long enough to help with my math homework.”

Sean’s voice becomes more agitated, more urgent. “Then tonight he throws a fit because I beat him at basketball. He yells at me. He screams. I don’t want to play with him anymore. But Mom says I have to understand him. I don’t want to understand him. I want him to act NORMAL."

I don’t need to see the card he’s holding to know that Sean called his brother’s therapist, Ben, who told him after one of our family sessions, “Call anytime you need to talk. This isn’t just about your brother.”

But in reality, it is all about his brother Joe needs constant attention. His anxieties derail every family outing. Sean is usually the perfect child, the one with no issues. He plays well with others, never misses school. He possesses maturity beyond his years. Skilled at dodging Joe’s verbal bullets, Sean adeptly negotiates disagreements among his peers. His compassion for others comes through in his social activities.

“He would not be who he is without the experience of being Joe’s brother,” my friend Nan tells me, when I wonder about the impact of Joe’s condition on Sean. “He’s one of the most tolerant teenagers I’ve ever met,” she goes on to say.

My thoughts come back to Sean’s phone call to the therapist who is presumably giving him some sound advice for dealing with his brother. “Yeah, I understand,” Sean says with resignation in his voice. “It’s just that sometimes I think my whole family is close to breaking. And there’s another problem. I get embarrassed when my friends are over and Joe acts up. He swears at me. He hits and kicks me. It’s ugly and embarrassing and if I hit him back, I’m the one who gets in trouble because 'I’m older and should know better.' So here’s the bottom line Ben. I am tired of being abused by my brother, tired of being embarrassed, and I’m jealous of the time my parents spend with him.” There’s a long pause and then, “Yeah, I’ll think about what you said. Okay, I promise to call you again tomorrow.”

After Sean hangs up, I step into his room. In that moment I decide to let Sean know I heard his conversation with Ben. “Was he helpful?” A little startled he replies, “Kinda. Said I should walk away when Joe starts hitting me or swearing at me. Said I could help him help Joe by writing down what triggers Joe’s anger. I guess that will help.” Sean begins to make his bed. I stop his hands as he pulls the bedcovers forward. I don’t know what to say to make it better. I hug him, tell him how much I love him, tell him how much I appreciate how helpful and positive he is, knowing full well that these are probably the wrong things to say and that I am putting even more pressure on him. I can only hope that my friend Nan is right. Sean will grow into a caring, compassionate young man – thanks to his brother.

Come hear more Sibling Stories when Mary & I present at Momference on April 26th.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:29 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you are a frequent reader of A Wild Ride, you know that Mary and I are speaking at the Momference Webinar on April 26th. Our topic: Special Needs and Sibling Rivalry.

In my research for this topic, I came across an excellent piece on Life Happens by Donna Mason. Donna gave me permission to share it with our readers.

The Effects on Siblings of Autistic Children

Oftentimes it is true that the child that makes the most noise, gets the most attention. This is true in a lot of families and moreso in families with children with Autism. Autistic children also require a lot more time and attention. In a family with more than one autistic child, it is doubly so. This could lead to a greater risk of sibling rivalry. Not for the challenges usually associated with these words but for attention. With the care that Autistic children need, it would be easy for the unaffected child in the family to get a little lost in the shuffle.

Over time, this could lead to the unaffected child feeling resentful of their Autistic siblings and to begin a little attention getting of their own or behaviors.

In time, the stress involved with this internal family conflict could lead to a rift that may take a lifetime to heal. There are several methods to deal with this potential problem before it gets out of hand.

Donna suggests the following:

1. Set aside parent alone time for the sibling of an Autistic child.

2. Hire a sitter or ask a friend or family member to watch over the Autistic child during this time.

3. Reassure the unaffected sibling that they are going to get a share of you time.

4. It important that you keep your appointment with the child.

5. The outing doesn't have to be anything spectacular, just something that the two of you can share. It can be done with one parent at a time or with both.

For more suggestions, visit Donna's site Life Happens.

From Donna's site: Life Happens is about life dealing with Autism. I have three children with Autism and three children who don't have Autism. This is how we deal with day to day living and getting by. Different treatments for Autism,ADHD,Mental Retardation and their effectiveness.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:11 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

If you are a frequent reader of this Blog, you know that Mary and I will be speakers at an upcoming Momference teleconference titled Special Needs: Managing Stress with a Smile.

Our session is called: My Brother My Sister My Enemy My Friend - The New Definition of Sibling Rivalry.

This week, we thought we would set the "mood" for Momference by writing a few entries on the topic over the next two weeks.

We all know that some sibling rivalry is inevitable -- even healthy. However, it's not always safe, especially if one of the children has special needs. That fact can also put some undue pressure on the "typically developing" brother or sister. So, what's a mother to do?

1. Acknowledge the anger.
2. Listen to each child's side of the argument.
3. Recognize that the problem is a tough one.
4. Offer some potential solutions to both parties then allow them to work out a mutually agreeable solution.
5. Make certain the child without special needs is not always the one who must concede.
6. Fairness may not always be possible but acknowledge this fact with empathy.
7. When the crisis is over, appreciate the children's efforts to come to some agreement.
8. Plan on attending Momference for even more ideas and suggestions.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:23 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

To get you into the mood for our Momference presentation on the new “sibling rivalry,” I thought you would “enjoy” a piece from my Blog friend Bad Momma.

Evil Genius in the Making

Tonight the boys have been playing and fighting on & off. One minute they're playing quietly and the next moment the younger two have been running to me and complaining about their older brother.

There is no doubt my oldest is my baddest and most obnoxious child. I think he takes pride in this. I also know that the middle and youngest boys like to instigate a fight and play victim. Sometimes I try to separate or mediate and other times, like tonight, I tire of the chaos and tell them to work it out.

Of course there needs to be a threat, such as " If I have to tell you boys one more time to be quiet and stop fighting....." followed by a consequence. Tonight's was " You won't be allowed to have a sleep-over at your cousins' house tomorrow."

A short time later, my 6 year old "baby" hands me this note ( pictured above ).

"Mom! Devon gave me this note" he whines with a sad, hurt look on his face.

" Dear Colin, You have a brain that is the size of an ant and the ant is 1/1000 of an inch." proclaims the offending missive.

" Devvvon!!" I yell " Come down here!"

My oldest promptly comes to see what I want.

" Did you write this note?" I ask

" No " he replies " That is not my writing! It looks like Colin's"

The printed note is in much neater than my 6 year old's typical writing. I look him in the eye and repeat the question. I get the same response and realize he is telling the truth. I call down my middle child. Same interrogation, same answer. I finally call down my youngest, who left the room when I called his oldest brother down.

"Colin, did you write this note?" I sternly ask while I make him look me in the eye.

" Yes..." he replied. " I did it because Devon was hurting me and I wanted to get him in trouble."

" Well it didn't work!" I said and sent Colin to his room for lying.

When he was out of earshot I looked at his brothers and warned them that they better watch out. Their baby brother is getting quite clever. One day he will get revenge and it won't be pretty. Like the bunny in "Hoodwinked", his cute, cuddly demeanor belies the evil genius that lurks within.

Read more from Bad Momma.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:20 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I have two brothers – as different as night and day. Except that, they are wild punsters and have the curly hair that overlooked my genetic material. We have taken very different paths in life, except that we each have two daughters. One brother is a rabbi, one is a scientist, and I am a writer. There are tensions, frustrations, fears, joy and all the other things that usually hover in families. But no matter what, these two guys have been an influential part of my entire life. We have bonded over many events – good and hard – but the bottom line is, they are like extra limbs. I would notice, on a daily basis, if they were gone. We have always, as siblings do, rubbed off some of our own fairy dust and soot onto one another.

In a family with a challenging child, the lives of other, not-as-challenging children are undoubtedly affected. No matter how hard you try, you cannot give them the attention you'd like. (Unless you've figured out how to be more than one person, and there's a diagnosis for that!) Money goes to treatment, not "stuff" for the other kids –are they resentful? A son is repeatedly asked to tolerate his sister's outrageous behavior – does he feel discounted? An uncle molests one sister – does the other develop some sexual anxiety? Kids might look like they are coping well, but inside, a world of hurt might be stirring.

Don't be surprised if brothers and sisters need to play catch up with the family at some point – defining and expressing feelings he had, but was too busy being "good" to recognize at the time?

Posted by Elizabeth at 10:27 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here are two books worth checking out:

The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling by Jeanne Safer, PhD
http://www.jeannesaferphd.com/

"The Normal One provides a great service for the siblings of truly damaged individuals, those quiet, self-denying brothers and sisters who, perhaps for the first time in their lives, will recognize in Safer a passionate advocate from the world of pschyotherapy, speaking out on their behalf with a deeply intelligent, fully informed, and thoroughly welcome voice." -- The New York Times Book Review

Mad House: Growing Up in the Shadow of Mentally Ill Siblings by Clea Simon.
http://www.cleasimon.com/Mad_House.html

"An evocative, sensitive, and beautifully crafted memoir by a journalist whose older brother and sister each suffered from schizophrenia; the brother ultimately committed suicide. ...Simon clearly explains the two major psychoses (schizophrenia and bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder), as well as related psychological concepts. She also provides a short, useful reading list and succintly explores some important economic factors influencing the care of the mentally ill." -- Kirkus Reviews

"A moving memoir ... The cycles of hope and despair are portrayed with the harrowing precision of Dante." -- Boston Globe

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:34 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Is it my imagination or are most challenging children also only children? Is there a study on the home life of children with physical and emotional challenges?

In my little world of a few hundred people, I notice that many, perhaps even most, challenging children, those who gave their mothers grief from the very beginning of their life, never became a sibling. For several mothers I know, to parent only one child is a conscience decision. From the beginning, the screaming, inconsolable baby made the idea of sex repugnant, a literal impossibility given the exhaustion of Mom. By the time she realized that her perfect baby was imperfect, he needed special care, and Mom declared a ceasefire. Dad’s lucky he wasn’t banished to another room, another house, or another state. Maybe he was, but that’s a topic for another entry.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:45 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Cynthia Lord wrote a Newbery Honor Award winning book titled Rules. This new book, intended for 9-12 year olds, tells the story of twelve-year-old Catherine who “just wants a normal life,” a near impossibility because she has a brother with autism and a family that revolves around his disability. She spent years trying to teach her brother David the rules -- from "a peach is not a funny-looking apple" to "keep your pants on in public" -- in order to stop his embarrassing behaviors. According to the book description on Amazon.com, “the summer Catherine meets Jason, a paraplegic boy, and Kristi, the next-door friend she's always wished for, it's her own shocking behavior that turns everything upside down and forces her to ask: What is normal?”

To buy Cynthia Lord’s book Rules, go to http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/product-description/0439443822/sr=8-1/qid=1174684488/ref=dp_proddesc_0/002-6907762-7500011?ie=UTF8&n=283155&s=books&qid=1174684488&sr=8-1

Lisa Jo Rudy on About.com’s Autism Spectrum Disorders complimented the book. Rules not only provides “kids with a real insight into life with autistic siblings, it’s also a terrific read. Though it’s intended for 9-12 year olds, it could certainly be helpful to parents coping with autism in the family.” My take on Rules is that it provides some insight for almost any middle-school sibling dealing with a difficult brother or sister.

For some excellent examples of balancing the needs of a challenging child with a typical child, go to Lisa’s website on About.com: http://autism.about.com/od/faqs/f/typicalsibling.htm. Intended for the use of parents with autistic children, the advice this site offers applies to struggling mothers regardless of her child's diagnosis or absence of one.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:44 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Worth reading: A Different Kind of Perfect: Writings by Parents on Raising a Child with Special Needs, edited by Cindy Dowling, Neil Nicoll, Bernadette Thomas.

Neil Nicoll, a child and family psychologist specializing in development disorders, wrote the excerpt printed below.

"There are no perfect families. I know this for a fact because a perfect family would need be made up of perfect people, and I have never come across a single of those either.

Every family has its own idiosyncrasies, its own secrets, its own unique and sometimes – to the outside observer—even odd ways of doing things. Families of disabled children are certainly no different in this regard.

Strangely, however, there remains an idealized view of the relationships within those families with special-needs children. The myth—and it surely is that—says that the members of such a family bond more closely together as a result of the child; that such parents become smarter, more patient, and more philosophical about life; that siblings enjoy lavishing attention on their “special” brother or sister.

While it is true that some families do some of these things some of the time, there is no guarantee that caring for a child with a disability will result in personal growth of this nature. Allow your family to be what it is rather than what you think it should be."

From the publisher’s website: "Every parent dreams of having a happy, healthy child. What happens when these dreams are shattered by a physical or cognitive disability? A Different Kind of Perfect offers comfort, consolation, and wisdom from parents who have been there—and are finding their way through."

http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-59030-307-8.cfm

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:35 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here's a valuable book for any parenting library: Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Who Doesn’t Fit In—When to Worry and When Not to Worry by Perri Klass, M.D. and Eileen Costello, M.D.

The title Quirky Kids seems simplistic and euphemistic to me. I worry that the title suggests that our children are just plain odd. Perhaps I should view the title as hopeful, even playful, and focus, not on the title, but rather on the content. For instance, most parenting books mention only in passing the struggle and worry parents suffer, but Quirky Kids devotes a chapter (an entire chapter!) to the feelings a parent experiences when dealing with a challenging child. For this recognition alone, I recommend the book.

I also found the chapter titled “The Rest of the Family” useful and insightful. The authors acknowledge the strain on the entire family, especially siblings, and they are realistic in their suggestions: “The only advice we can offer for families here is simple to give and difficult to follow: try as hard as you can to view each child separately, as the person he is, as her own unfolding individual. Comparisons are famously odious, and comparisons made among siblings have been paying therapy bills of one kind or another ever since God liked Abel’s offering better than Cain’s.”

Simple to give and difficult to follow -- I wish more professionals acknowledged this fact when offering recommendations!

http://www.quirkykids.com/

Buy it now: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345451430/

Posted by Elizabeth at 11:28 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

By Mumkeepingsane, a stay-at-home mom in Canada with two boys, M and Patrick. Patrick, her youngest, has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Go to www.mumkeepingsane.blogspot.com for more of her writings.

We have a week off school for spring break. I'm fine, since I've always been home with the boys and tend to miss them when they're at school anyway. But I feel bad for older brother.

It's really difficult to be Patrick's older brother. M has really had to learn how to let things bounce off him (literally as well as figuratively). We've recently had to have an updated version of the "autism talk". Until now M has only really understood that Patrick is different. He's been able to say to other children "Patrick's not bad he just doesn't understand the rules". But I've seen lately that now we're at the point where he needs to know more.

So we did a bit of brain talk. We discussed the seizures and how those were because of a brain difference. Then we talked about how autism could also be because of a difference in the brain. We talked a bit about "age correction". I'm not into that generally but in this case it helped him to understand that Patrick isn't the same as other 5 year olds. We talked about how it can be hard because he's not just a big brother but he also has to deal with some stuff that just isn't fair. It felt like a good talk. Obviously it went beyond what I've described. I've just given the overview here. In a highly insightful moment he asked me what we'd do if Patrick became an adult and still couldn't do things. I answered as honestly as I could...I told him if he still needed our help then we would help him. M thought this was a good idea.

So far they're getting along ok. Occasionally I hear "mom, Patrick's bothering me" or "Patrick, stop throwing lego, you're not allowed to throw". I think he's dealing with it as best he can at this point. He is, after all, only 7 years old himself.

Sometimes I think about the unfairness. About how different M's life would be if Patrick wasn't his younger brother. But I think, generally, M has benefited from this the same way we all have. Knowing Patrick has made us better people.

--Reprinted by permission.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:41 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today, before the orthodontist appointment, we stop for lunch at an upscale Seattle shopping center in an affluent area surrounding the University of Washington. The lunch choices vary from Northwest to Mediterranean to East Indian, and I imagine that they are all quite good. "Adventuresome" is not a term I use when describing Nicholas, the younger of my two sons. We’ve been here once before. That day we ate at World Wrapps and that is where we’re going again today. Don’t bring up the other dining options, even those you think Nicholas might like. Too many choices. Give him what he knows. So World Wrapps it is.

Once inside, I see and feel him physically withdraw from his surroundings. The menu board displays too many choices. Nicholas says what I expect. “I just want a bean and cheese wrap and can I have a smoothie?” “Sure, whatever you want,” I answer, just as predictably. Their smoothies contain lots of sugar, but if it keeps Nicholas happy....

The restaurant fills with moms and kids meeting still more moms and kids. Little ones whine and babies cry. “Where do you want to sit?” I mistakenly ask, realizing my error when I look at his face. Anywhere, his expression says to me, just get me away from all this noise. Up we go to the balcony where we remain undetected by the steady stream of people until the seats fill below, and there is nowhere else for them to go.

Our food arrives quickly. Hooray for fast food! We eat in silence. I remember thinking, this is the time to keep communication open. The “experts” seem to agree: communication is the key to successful teenage years. I figure that starting early with my 10-year-old is a good thing. Every parenting book I own says to keep talking, maintain open lines of communication. But at some level, the child must want to communicate. I can create talking and listening opportunities from dawn to dusk. I can come up with interesting topics of conversation, and I can share my own experiences and observations. I’ve learned to ask open-ended questions. But at some point in the conversation, Nicholas must weigh in with his responses, his thoughts, his opinion on whatever we’re discussing. I can’t do all the work.

This particular day I’m already exhausted from my efforts. I don’t want to talk. I just let the silence hang over us, engulf us, surround us like a bubble to keep the outside world with its noisy children and stylish moms at a distance. I know Nicholas’s responses to my questions will be, “I don’t know,” or “I don’t care.” I could prattle on about some topic or idea, but that often sounds silly and foolish, even to me.

Truth be told, I just want to sit quietly, eat my lunch and try not to resent the fact that if I were here by myself, I would be eating out in the sunshine. Or at least sitting in the sun after enjoying a meal at one of the other restaurants nearby. Hell, if I were here with my older son Sean, we would have checked out each restaurant, surveyed each menu, and settled on the one with the most interesting selection and décor.

I know comparison achieves nothing, so I try not to go there.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:15 PM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This excerpt from Terri Mauro’s book The Everything Parent’s Guide to Sensory Integration Disorder offers some excellent advice for siblings of all challenging children regardless of diagnosis or issue.

“It’s one thing for you to understand your child’s sensory integration problems, but getting your other children to extend appropriate understanding and sympathy is another. Depending on the age of your child’s siblings, you may be able to give them a little bit of an explanation as to why their brother does t hose strange, annoying things. But any special treatment you give him to compensate for his sensory challenges is liable to meet with cries of “No fair!” from the others.

You’ll be doing your children a service to teach them now that fair doesn’t mean equal treatment for each person. It involves each person getting exactly what is appropriate for her. Talk about some ways in which your other children “get” things that your child with sensory integration disorder does not. Does the sibling participate in more activities? Have more friends? Have an easier time in school? It’s not fair that your child has this disorder, it just is. 'Fair' means she gets what she needs to be safe and happy and comfortable, and your other children get that too.”

Terri Mauro is the About.com guide to Parenting Special Needs Children and is a member of Sensory Integration International. Buy her book through Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Parents-Sensory-Integration-Disorder/dp/1593377142/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-6064158-9368603?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173303977&sr=8-1.

Check out her website for adoptive and special-needs parents: http://www.motherswithattitude.com/.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:44 PM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

From "Her Autistic Brothers" by Karen Olsson (published in the New York Times Magazine, February 18, 2007):

"According to Tarah's mother, Jennifer: 'It was like she knew what [her brothers] wanted when I didn't, and she would help me figure it out. Tarah was mother hen to those boys. I probably shouldn’t have put her in that position, but oh, my God, she helped me so much.'"

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/18/magazine/18autistic.t.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5088&en=da14a98fc947f498&ex=1329454800&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:16 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's quite amazing what happens in families, isn't it? Consider a household with two parents (though there are millions of single-parent households too). That's one relationship. Add in a child … three people, three relationships. But then add in a second child … four people, six relationships:

Parent + parent
Parent #1 + child #1
Parent #1 + child #2
Parent #2 + child #1
Parent #2 + child #2
Child #1 + child #2

Whoa. Add a third child and there are five people and 10 relationships. No wonder families sometimes feel like they are bouncing off the sides of an atom splitter, like wild neutrons on the run. How on earth could siblings possibly NOT be touched by each other's rough edges, talents, problems, illnesses, behaviors, and triumphs!

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:30 AM in Siblings | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)