A Wild Ride: Our Blog

Next week Mary & I are attending the Northwest Parenting and Family Education Conference. One of the presenters will be Kim Estes who recently contributed an article of A Wild Ride on Safety.

Kim Estes is the co-founder of the non-profit organization: Parent Education And Child Empowerment (P.E.A.C.E of Mind). She has worked with parents for over 12 years, educating them on various parenting topics. Kim and her cohort in crime prevention, Sabrina Sessa, help liberate parents from fearful parenting! Through non fearful techniques and easy to apply parenting strategies they help empower families to be safe.

We share Kim's latest article below:

At PEACE of Mind, we don't use scary tactics in our workshops but the truth is there are scary statistics on the number of kids who are being sexually abused right now in your community. It makes me so sad to hear a parent come up after a workshop and say "I wish my mom had taken a workshop like this. She could have protected me". I am however glad those same parents are being proactive in learning about safety for their kids and not relying on luck to keep their children safe. It only takes a few minutes a day to let you child know that their safety is important. It could be playing the "what if" game in the car or just reminding them that they have the right to say no to anyone who is trying to bully them into breaking a family safety rule. Openness about safety leads to open conversations when things are bothering them.

At PEACE of Mind, we know that prevention education is the key to keeping the children in our communities' safe. Here are some easy beginning tips to help you start talking about safety with your loved ones!

• Start early and often! Kids as young as one, can learn to point out a "Safe mom with kids". Make a game of it! Be silly! Have fun finding "safe moms". Get them familiar with the concept that a "safe mom" will help them if they ever get separated from you.

• Teach young kids to "sing" your cell number

• Teach children to never, EVER leave with someone they don't know (this could be an adult or another child).

• Remind children to "Check first" before accepting gifts or rides from anyone!

• Model "Safe Grown Up" behavior. Set an example of safety for children. If your child (or a child you know) is not checking first before accepting something from you, be the "Safe Grown -Up" who will remind them to "Check First" with their safe grown up.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:13 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Children need to know that you love them even when you may not be happy with their misbehavior. When you consistently respond with respect and dignity, it opens pathways to build connections with your child that leads you to work together and helps to develop a sense of self worth.

Once this foundation is established (through developmentally appropriate expectations, encouragement, empathy, empowerment, setting limits/boundaries, etc) you can help them understand the distinction between their identity as a loving, valued child and the behavioral choices they make. When she chooses to misbehave and disregard a set limit, you can remind her that you love her while respectfully giving the consequence.

Establish and demonstrate your confidence in your children so that next time (and there will be a next time) they will have an opportunity to make a different choice.

The more positive reinforcement you give your children (90% of the time) the more they'll understand you love them "no matter WHAT they do."

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:07 AM in Q & A , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This year on A WILD RIDE we focus on a parenting "recovery" theme. What does recovery have to do with parenting challenging children? Everything. Think about how many times a week you mentally beat your-self up or harshly judge your actions as inadequate and ineffective. Too many to count?

When feeling frustrated and angry do you quickly flare & criticize or become overly harsh and punitive (to yourself or your children)? Do you sometimes feel so overwhelmed and drained that you avoid conflict? Do you feel your situation is out of control?

If you frequently dwell on your shortcomings as a parent rather than your strengths, it's time to turn that equation around and gain a new, healthy, realistic perspective. This is the year to rid ourselves of those deadly unrealistic expectations and instead honor our capacity to grow and develop through our issues arising from our mothering experiences.

Each month we concentrate on an assumption, idea, or concept for you to reflect on. We offer strategies for you to ponder and try on.

Above all else, we want to support you in finding your own way through the support of others who also are learning to appreciate and manage their humanness through the marathon of mothering.

Join us as we support you while taking an in-depth look at our unique 12 step parenting process.

Discover wisdom, laughter and opportunities to improve your relationship with your children.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:55 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Come to the A Wild Ride Website for a complete list of the 12 Steps toward better parenting.

The first three are posted now with details:

I realize I'm stuck in my parenting when I feel I must always be right.

I shift my focus from constantly worrying about my children to finding contentment in my own life.

I intentionally ask questions out of curiosity rather than using intimidating language full of demands.

We would love your feedback. Please share your thought with us by sending an email to Elizabeth.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:51 AM in News and Research , Q & A , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So many times as parents we tell our children what they should do in that antagonistic or sarcastic tone that gets us nowhere. In the heat of the moment, our language can make a bad situation worse. But if we rephrase our statement we can actually build a positive relationship.

Here are a few examples:

Ineffective
Don't bother your sister.

Effective
You are welcome to stay with us as long as you are respecting your sister.

Ineffective
Don't talk to me in that tone of voice.

Effective
I'll listen to you as soon as I know you are with me.

Ineffective
You are not going outside without your coat.

Effective
You may go out as soon as you have your coat on.

Do you have other examples of effective statements? Share them with us. Send Elizabeth an email.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:39 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

No, we are not all born writers. Sometimes though when we share our story, we find that writing is actually therapeutic. All these years of raising my son I found that writing out my feelings and sharing them with others helps me feel stronger as a parent. And to stretch my muscles before writing, I often read a writer's blog or two. One of my favorites is Pamela Ferris-Olson's blog Writer.

As a parent of a challenging child, I often feel as if I am friendless. See the teacher frown. See my husband scowl, my neighbor roll her eyes. Look at the expression on my child's face. Yet through my support group, I know I have friends, not just the neighbor-next-door, but true friends who understand the difficulties I face.

Sometimes though, I'm too tired to talk. But for me, it's never too late to write. And so my friend, I offer you the same opportunity. Write to us about your parenting situation.

Share your story of love and confusion, exhaustion and exhilaration, love and heartache. Tell us about your child's good days and his bad days - your successes and your attempts at success.

You do not need to be a polished writer to submit to A Wild Ride. Our Blog welcomes you and your story. Take it from me; once you share your story, the healing begins.

Send your story to Elizabeth.

Pamela Ferris-Olson, author of Living in the Heartland, shares her personal story on her blog InTheHeartland3Women.

Read it here.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:57 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When my son was diagnosed with GAD and depression, the psychiatrist recommended homeschooling. To me homeschooling meant that we had to be together 24/7 and that I had to be brilliant and wise during that same time. I wish I had met the author of The Homeschool Desk 10 years ago. Her homeschooling definition is wise, wonderful and sane! A win-win for all involved.

To benefit other moms who might be thinking as I once did, I am posting this link to an excellent, insightful article on the Homeschool Co-op Option.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:26 AM in Back to School , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Many children with learning disabilities or other special needs are taught at home. I've been told that "these children generally do well in the home environment with love and nurturing from their parents."

At one time my son's psychiatrist recommended homeschool as the best educational option for him. Maybe it would be good for him, but disastrous for me. Someone else would do the actual schooling. Not that I am not academically inclined, but rather I don't have the patience or organizational skills. That's where The Homeschool Desk comes in.

Jodi at The Homeschool Desk has created a website full of curriculum suggestions and helpful ideas to insure homeschooling success.

Currently in their 5th year of homeschooling, Jodi and her children "enjoy a lot of reading and hands-on projects. I am very excited to be part of the 2009-2010 TOS Homeschool Crew reviewing homeschool curriculum products. My children have various learning styles, and we enjoy using curriculum that suits their specific needs."

One of the curriculum products Jodi recommends is the Math Mammoth:

Read Jodi's complete review of Math Mammoth here.

Check out Homeschooling Your Special Needs Child on About.com for more information.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:43 AM in Back to School , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Join Raising Teen Expert Cindy Springsteen on Thursday, February 25th at 8 p.m. EST when she talks with author Annie Fox, educator, Award Winning Author and Trusted Online Advisor Annie Fox.

Annie is an educator, award-winning author and trusted online advisor. On her website, Annie offers advice to teens, their parents and their educators. She also participated on our site earlier this month on how to become an unstuck parent.

You won't want to miss this dynamic, live Q&A session on Skype: "Why 21st Century Kids Need 21st Century Parenting," next Thursday February 25, 2010 at 5 pm PST (8 pm ET).

RSVP with your Skype address by emailing Cindy. Spaces are limited so reserve today.

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:24 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I remember some marriage advice I received long ago: More than likely, when my husband is being the least lovable is when he needs the most love. I think this is true for our children even when we are on the verge of losing it.

Hard? Yes, I know it's hard to show love towards someone who is beyond difficult. And even more difficult to love someone who hates to be touched. That's why my son and I created:

My son hates being touched. Kisses are the worst. Something about the light touch of lips and the possibility of moisture from saliva on his cheek is more than he can handle. I believe the only time I have given Alexander a good, sloppy, mother-to-son kiss was when he went under anesthesia just before adenoid surgery.

And hugs are marginally tolerated. If I've used "smelly creams," then a hug is out of the question. The definition of a "smelly cream" is any lotion, moisturizer, or lip gloss with even the slightest hint of fragrance. And I swear he can smell it through walls and up two flights of stairs!

Knowing that a tiny touch or whiff of perfume can send my sensory sensitive child over the edge forced me to find alternatives to hugs and kisses. In our household, we now practice "virtual hugs" and "air kisses" which can be sent across the room, down the hall, or over the phone. Not as satisfying to me of course, but these practical attempts at affection are reasonable substitutes. They are all I am likely to experience at this time in my son's life, and occasionally I catch my son smiling when I yell "virtual hugs" at the end of a long day.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:07 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

We met Dr. Lynne Kenney on Twitter where she faithfully shares her insights as a pediatric psychologist and media producer.

Dr. Kenney knows that life with an intense or challenging children is one big wild ride but she knows that most "children want to be calm and happy...Their behavior and mood signal an imbalance in their body and brain."

Here are a few of Dr. Kenney's helpful suggestions edited from the original article on the Phoenix, Arizona ABC affiliate website:

1. Know that the limbic brain is older and in the case case of intense kids, momentarily more powerful than the frontal lobes. Try to plan for melt-downs and prepare calming strategies with your child ahead of time.

Talk about the times they feel like they are going to lose it and ask them if you can help by offering some pre-planned calming solutions like taking a walk, a bath or a bike ride.

Consider calming music.

2. Know that food and nutrition matter. Remember, it is not what you eat but what your body assimilates that is important.

3. If you need more help see a developmental pediatrician, pediatric psychologist or neuropsychologist who specializes in cognitive and limbic calming strategies. Also consider meditation, yoga and brain exercises.

Click here to read Dr. Kenney's complete article or visit her site The Family Coach.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:30 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Tiny pink and red hearts, paper valentines with cars, animals and your kids favorite cartoon character (who knew Sponge Bob could be sentimental!) February is all about our sweethearts! What a great time to talk safety to your sweethearts (young and old!). It can be as simple as making sure that your kids know how special they are to you and the other caring adults in their life! Strong confident kids who feel valued by their parents and caregivers are less likely to fall prey to predators. Make sure your kids are getting attention from YOU so that they do not seek out attention from others.

For parents of special needs children, extreme vigilance is necessary. Parents need to be on alert for red flag behaviors and also to be very, very diligent about keeping safety talk going on a daily basis.

Here are several tips designed especially for parents of special needs children.

Daily check ins: Tell me about the best/worst part of your day today? Have the whole family share their best/worst parts.

Debrief after each playdate or time spent away: What was your favorite part / least favorite part of that playdate/game/ride home/ piano lesson..etc.

"Who are your safe grown ups" Have your child list who his favorite safe grown ups.

Play the "What if" game in the car e.g. What if Mom needed directions, who could she ask to get help?

Consistency is the key and never to use scare tactics.

About the Author: Kim Estes is the co-founder of the non-profit organization: Parent Education And Child Empowerment (P.E.A.C.E of Mind). Kim has worked with parents for over 12 years, educating them on various parenting topics. Through non fearful techniques and easy to apply parenting strategies they help empower families to be safe.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:11 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I love this quote by Pamela Ferris-Olson of InTheHeartland3Women fame:

If you don't succeed, get some help. A second set of eyes and hands and fresh ideas can make a big difference. After all, who told you it had to been done alone?

How many times do we stay in our "stuckness" because we are humiliated and unsure of ourselves as parents. After all, doesn't the mom next door seem to have her act together?

Promise me that the next time you struggle with your parenting you will reach across the aisle to a friend, your support group, a counselor, therapist or doctor.

Read more of Pamela's inspiring philosophy on her quotes page.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:49 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Let's take a moment and imagine what it would be like if you and your spouse/partner felt less stressed and gave each other words of encouragement, gratitude, and acknowledgement on a daily basis.

Though maybe not easy at first, it's worth a shot. Who knows, it could just change your life.

Do you have other ideas? Please comment below.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:33 AM in Q & A , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Watch the video on this site.

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:56 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Almost every parent with a special needs or learning disabled child says that she never thought parenting would be this difficult or that her child would be so intense and challenging (both mentally and physically).

Let's face it. We all had "a different dream" for our child.

Today I came across a website that hits to the heart of the matter. The site is called Different Dream by Jolene Philo.

Jolene's journey begins with a chronically ill child. Throughout her website she offers encouragement, faith, and even practical applications like meal planning (which must occur between doctor and hospital visits).

While I am not one to ask myself "Why did God let this happen to our child?" I have found Jolene's advice resourceful and inspiration. One of my favorite recent posts is Make Family Occasions Fun for Special Needs Kids.

Thank you Jolene for sharing your journey with us!

Posted by Elizabeth at 10:28 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Has this every happened to you? You feel stuck over the agreement you and your daughter made about cleaning up her messy room.

• Is this your agenda or viewpoint?
  I don't trust my daughter to clean her room when I ask her to.
• Is this your intention?
  
  I want my daughter to do as I say.
• Are these your words?
  
  "If I've told you once I've told you a million times to pick up your room!"
• Are these your actions?
  
  Your face looks angry, body stiff, yelling, rushing around room picking up clothes, shoes, toys off the floor and throwing them in a clothes basket.

Here's an alternative way of approaching this situation. Try on this new, creative way to get un-stuck.

• Your agenda or viewpoint
  I trust my daughter to be responsible and respectful.
• Your intention
  
  I want my daughter to show me she can be responsible.
• Your words
  
  I really trust you and believe that you want to honor our agreement." Let's talk about how I can support you to do that.
• Your actions
  

  I talk about my concerns, listen to my daughter's concerns and together come to an agreement we both can live with.

Matching your words and actions can make all the difference between an argument and an agreement. Which would you rather have? The later scenario may take more time, but when you model problem solving rather than emotional reactivity you are giving your child a gift she can model herself.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:26 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

We asked this question of Annie Fox, respected educator, award-winning author, and trusted online adviser.

In Annie's response she reminded us of this simple fact:

The ultimate "stuckness" is refusing to accept that your kids are growing up.

For more of Annie's ideas on becoming "unstuck," read Annie's blog entry They're growing up! on her site. A good reminder whether we are dealing with challenging children or more mainstream kids.

Annie is the author of Too Stressed to Think? A Teen Guide to Staying Sane When Life Makes You CRAZY and the Middle School Confidential series.Visit Annie's blog for other gems to live by. You will find her at From the desk of Annie Fox.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:00 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

How do I know when I am "stuck" in my parenting?

Answer from Mary:

Remember the old saying, "Insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results?"

If your actions are beginning to feel like reruns from a bad sitcom and you are not getting the results you want, you may very well be stuck in a spin cycle and it is time to try something new.

If your stomach is tied in knots and you are going around and around to no avail, you've realized that you are stuck. Stop, take a breath, and think before reacting.

Posted by Elizabeth at 11:07 AM in Q & A , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"I realize I'm stuck in my parenting when I feel I must always be right."

Parenting is a role that requires us to learn to be flexible in our thinking and creative in our actions. Wanting to be right all the time implies that we are rigid and reactive and probably fearful. This can be a typical stress response when we are under pressure, but you have to admit, not a very productive one.

How do you know when you are "stuck?" Remember the old saying, "Insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results?" If your actions are beginning to feel like reruns from a bad sitcom and you are not getting the results you want, you may very well be stuck in a spin cycle and it is time to try something new. If your stomach is tied in knots and you are going around and around to no avail, you've realized that you are stuck. Stop, take a breath, and think before reacting.

• Ask yourself, what is my agenda or view of my child at this time?
• What is my intention or what would I like to see happen?
• What are the words I am conveying to her?
• Do my words match my actions?

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:44 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

OMG - I can't believe it - an IEP app for iPhones. Imagine feeling empowered during the stressful atmosphere of an IEP meeting. Read Terry Mauro's review at About.com Special Needs Children.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:09 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

For some good strategies for dealing with children who regularly exhibit explosive outbursts or constant chattering, check out Cathy Knoll's website FAQautism and listen to her well-done podcasts. Her latest piece titled Noisy Kids 1 is one of her best.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:16 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In the New York TImes:

New air travel restrictions are taking a toll on parents with small children. Any thoughts on how to keep youngsters calm and entertained under the circumstances?

Thoughts from Mary: These new airline restrictions are going to make traveling with a toddler or preschooler very difficult indeed. How can a parent be expected to reason with a young child who cannot grok why she must remain still during the last hour of a flight or why she is not permitted to go to the bathroom when her needs are urgent? Do you bring a diaper and a plastic bag and persuade her to pee in her seat?

Yikes! Can't you just hear all of the screaming and wailing? And can you blame her? What's a parent to do? Travel or not travel? One might consider staying closer to home and traveling by car or train until there are more definite rules and regulations worked out. Then reconsider if your trip is worth the stress you may be subjecting yourself and your child to.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:36 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Oh yes. Depending on whether or not you are living up to the standard you've set for yourself. Some mothers expect that they are going to be able to meet all of their children's needs at each stage of their development. Soothe those bone chilling cries at 3am without resentment for lack of sleep, happily bake cookies for your child's preschool class, and attend every field trip with vim and vigor during middle school. Mothers set themselves up for failure by trying to be the perfect mom and doing it all. They forget to round out their own lives.

Posted by Elizabeth at 11:44 AM in Q & A , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Guilt per se may not be constructive, unless it motivates you toward right or moral action or behavior. Feeling guilty may cause you to re-prioritize.

For example if you are a working mom and juggling work and home responsibilities you may feel guilty that you are too tired and busy with other responsibilities to spend "play-time" with your children. Guilt may help you to re-evaluate and change your situation. ~ Mary

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:31 AM in Q & A , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Must read of the week: The Guilt-Trip Casserole in the New York Times.

There's some good news here. Come back to our blog during the week and we'll share it with you. In the meantime, pat yourself on the back if you are eating dinner with your kids in front of the TV. It's better than you think!!

Read our Strategies for Suffering from Mommy Guilt on the A Wild Ride Website.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:03 PM in Q & A , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Want to know how to recharge your partnership? Try some of these ideas from Mary Scribner.

· Hire a sitter and go on weekly dates. Take this time to have fun together and nurture your time as a couple – don’t discuss your children at all!

· Slip love notes under your spouse’s pillow, in his/her car, or in the mail. Use words of endearment. Give praise. Affirm your love for each other frequently.

· Give loving hugs. Massages. Don’t forget, giving chocolate and flowers can go a long way and NOT just on Valentines Day. Be spontaneous.

· Marital counseling. If you are in constant conflict and unable to work together or find that parenting is driving a wedge between you, then seek professional help. Your child needs a strong parental team. You need to support each other.

· Renegotiate your relationship as two imperfect people who also love each other and don’t forget to use humor as often as possible!!!!

Posted by Elizabeth at 11:48 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Let’s take a moment and imagine what it would be like if you and your spouse felt less stressed and gave each other words of encouragement, gratitude, and acknowledgement on a daily basis. Though maybe not easy at first, it’s worth a shot. Who knows, it could just change your life. Try one of these tips and see what occurs as you dance the steps of intimacy:

* Use open verbal communication. Define your thinking to one another. Don’t take for granted that your spouse/partner knows what you think or how you feel. Ask.Communicate openly.

* Use “I” messages when expressing yourself. “I feel….” Instead of “You made me feel….” Can go a long way toward forwarding the conversation.

*If you are having trouble communicating, you may want to use a “talking stick.” This is a tradition borrowed from the Native American culture, which provides a way to make sure you both have a chance to speak your views without interruption. Take any object (rock, koosh ball, etc) that you like to hold. Whoever is holding the object has the floor and speaks her current steam of thoughts. When she is finished speaking, she gives the talking stick to her partner who now has the right to talk without interruption. The listener does not speak while the other person is holding the object.

What other ways help you to reconnect with your partner? Send us your ideas. We would love to share them with our readers.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:53 PM in Strategies , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Let’s take a moment and imagine what it would be like if you and your spouse felt less stressed and gave each other words of encouragement, gratitude, and acknowledgement on a daily basis. Though maybe not easy at first, it’s worth a shot. Who knows, it could just change your life. Try one of these tips and see what occurs as you dance the steps of intimacy:

* Use open verbal communication. Define your thinking to one another. Don’t take for granted that your spouse/partner knows what you think or how you feel. Ask.Communicate openly.

* Use “I” messages when expressing yourself. “I feel….” Instead of “You made me feel….” Can go a long way toward forwarding the conversation.

*If you are having trouble communicating, you may want to use a “talking stick.” This is a tradition borrowed from the Native American culture, which provides a way to make sure you both have a chance to speak your views without interruption. Take any object (rock, koosh ball, etc) that you like to hold. Whoever is holding the object has the floor and speaks her current steam of thoughts. When she is finished speaking, she gives the talking stick to her partner who now has the right to talk without interruption. The listener does not speak while the other person is holding the object.

What other ways help you to reconnect with your partner? Send us your ideas. We would love to share them with our readers.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:53 PM in Strategies , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

“No, absolutely not! Not while you are living under my roof” were the first thoughts that exploded out of nowhere into my mind. Somehow I was able to suppress any verbal output that would have taken my son and I into a power play of who’s right, who’s got the upper hand here, etc, etc. “I’m 16 and legally I can do this if I want to!” I was informed. OK Mary, you need to deep breath I coached myself. I suddenly realized that this was about more than the physical act of sticking a steel stud into my son’s virgin skin. I wasn’t sure what though. Finally I was able to muster the words, “I’m curious and want to know more. Let’s talk about this later.”

I needed distance from my first reaction, needed more information, and needed to talk to my friends who had already weathered this teen right of passage. My first impulse was to control, then I just wanted to escape. Beam me up Scottie. Why did my beautiful, sensitive son want to staple a steel stud into his lower lip? I’d already accepted his long hair and baggy clothes and thought this would characterize his teen years. Silly me, I thought I was out of the woods. I should have known better. I just get comfortable with one developmental stage and get hit square in the face with chaos as new growth asserts itself.

Two days later my son, husband and I were facing each other anticipating our discussion. I prefessed our talk addressing my son’s worries that we had not gathered to be the heavies. He had not done anything wrong; we weren’t here to critize him. I stayed curious and began an innocent inquiry. “So, we wanted to learn more about the lip piercing that you’re thinking about getting.” I inquired. “Who would do this for you? How would you take care of it? How would you pay for it? What if it got infected? What would it feel like?” Each question was answered maturely, without defensiveness. We took our time and allowed some silence and thoughtfulness to spark the next inquiry.

I was actually getting into the “feel” of having one of these studs myself as my tongue slid across the inside of my bottom lip. “How would it feel in your mouth?” I could see my son’s tongue also investigating his soft tissue. Thoughtlytfully he remarked, “well you know, I’m just thinking about this.” End of conversation.

On reflection I learned with enough information I could actually entertain the idea as a possibility rather than a reactionary “NO” that shut down communication. One of my friends talked about these piercing as rights of passage for boys in a culture where there are few. Another mentioned that these piercing where similar to getting our ears pierced (this is really going to date me!)

The best thing that came out of this is that our son felt respected while continuing to march toward individuation and autonomy. His choice might not be one that I would make, but this is his life, not mine. My job is to keep him safe, foster a loving relationship, and respect him as he zigzags toward adulthood.

Who knows what decision he will make in the future. I hope that whatever decision that is, he’ll feel free to share his thoughts as he processes his way through it.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:12 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The November/December A Wild Ride newsletter is almost ready to email. Join our growing list of subscribers by clicking on our Home Page. The subscription box is in the lower right corner.

Posted by Elizabeth at 7:08 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As we end National Stress Øut Week, Mary and I thought it would be appropriate to end with a laugh or at least a smirk. So here are a couple of our favorite parenting jokes:

***

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain that to your mother."

***

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

***

Have jokes to share? Send to elizabeth@awildride.net

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

Posted by Elizabeth at 2:22 AM in Strategies , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As we end National Stress Øut Week, Mary and I thought it would be appropriate to end with a laugh or at least a smirk. So here are a couple of our favorite parenting jokes:

***

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain that to your mother."

***

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

***

Have jokes to share? Send to elizabeth@awildride.net

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

Posted by Elizabeth at 2:22 AM in Strategies , Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

There are moms (including my partner Mary) who will vehemently deny that organized sports is a great way for children to get exercise while learning team building skills. Granted many challenging children do not have the motor skills to successfully be a part of a sports team. But those who do can begin to build their self-confidence and get exercise at the same time. I know for fact that soccer practice is the high point of my son's day though I must admit that come game time it's high anxiety. Learning to cope with performance anxiety is an added benefit to the positive effects of physcial exercise.

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:55 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

For some reason, jumping up and down seems to quiet my son. Of course, trampoline's scare me to death (there's a reason insurance companys' don't cover them!). My son also enjoys pogo sticks and jump rope. Both are activities he struggled with at first but took pride in building on his "records."

Does your child have movement or exercise that helps to calm him or her? Share those activities with the A Wild Ride readers. Send them to me at elizabeth@awildride.net

Posted by Elizabeth at 2:48 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The same rewards of movement and exercise apply to your challenging child. Let them enjoy some wild music and dance around the room with them. My son who hates loud noises LOVES to turn on his own music full blast and then dance with his eyes closed as if he were the only person in the world.

The smile on his face is worth the price of my broken eardrums.

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:33 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If taking a walk means that your mind will wander and worry, distract yourself with music. Use an iPod or other portable media player to download audiobooks, podcasts, or music. I personally enjoy exercising more when I listen to uplifting music such as "I Will Survive" or "Defying Gravity."

Do you have a favorite de-stressing song? Send your favorites to me at elizabeth@awildride.net and we'll start our on Stress-Less Playlist.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:27 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Good news for all of us with challenging children and no time to exercise. According to the ADAA website:

Psychologists studying how exercise relieves anxiety and depression suggest that a 10-minute walk may be just as good as a 45-minute workout. Some studies show that exercise can work quickly to elevate depressed mood in many people. Although the effects may be temporary, they demonstrate that a brisk walk or other simple activity can deliver several hours of relief, similar to taking an aspirin for a headache.

Ten minutes!!! I can do 10 minutes. What about you?

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:11 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's no coincidence that this month the theme on our A Wild Ride website is movement and learning while the theme on ADAA's National Stress Øut Week is Stress, Anxiety and Exercise. (Well, actually it is a coincidence, but let's pretend it was planned well in advance.)

Earlier this month, my A Wild Ride partner Mary Scribner wrote about movement and our children:

"Over the past 10 years there has been a huge body of research from neuroscientist examining the link between learning and moving. In her groundbreaking book, Smart Moves, Why Learning Is Not All In Your Head, Carla Hannaford, PhD examines how our bodies play an essential role in our learning. If you have a child who is wiggly, has difficulty focusing, feels frustrated and overwhelmed and struggles in school, then try incorporating these simple exercises at home before your child leaves for school and during homework."

On the ADAA site, the authors write how movement and exercise not only help our children but us adults as well:

"The physical benefits of exercise—improving physical condition and fighting disease—have long been established, and physicians always encourage staying physically active. Exercise is also considered vital for maintaining mental fitness, and it can reduce stress. Studies show that it is very effective at reducing fatigue, improving alertness and concentration, and at enhancing overall cognitive function. This can be especially helpful when stress has depleted your energy or ability to concentrate."

Over the next few days, we will share more thoughts on exercise and movement as ways to control stress -- both our children's and our own.

We would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions. Send them to me at elizabeth@awildride.net.

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:22 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Unfortunately for some of us, Mother's Day is a difficult and anxious day. If you are like many mothers of special needs children, you may need some tips to help manage that stress and anxiety. Here are four favorites:

1. Let others know you're feeling overwhelmed and tell them how they can help.
2. Remember to breathe. A few slow deep breaths can do wonders.
3. Use and welcome humor. A good laugh can go a long way.
4. Don't underestimate the value of rest and sleep. When stressed, your body needs time
to recover.

From the Anxiety Disorders Association of America:

Photo by Mary Pohlmann.

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:22 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Seattle P-I reporter Paul Nyhan wrote an excellent piece titled The Rise in childhood mental illness is perplexing. The article appeared in the Friday, March 7th edition of the paper and featured A Wild Ride and one of our stories.

In the article, Paul wrote:

Childhood mental illness is a complicated, confusing and difficult challenge that should be handled by trained medical professionals. Experts advise parents to follow these guidelines in observing their children:

1. Watch for anxiety. It can be an early sign of depression.
2. Talk to your kids. They often will tell you how they are doing.
3. Eat dinner together.
4. Trust your gut instincts about your own child.
5. Share concerns with your pediatrician.
6. Learn what you can about a diagnosed disorder.
7. Take care of yourself.

In addition to A Wild Ride, other resources cited in the article include the National Alliance on Mental Illness and the New York University Child Study Center. Read NYU's recent article on Depression in Children and Teens.

Wishing our readers all the best resources,

Elizabeth & Mary

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:26 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Picture this; you're picking up toys, with a meal on the stove, laundry in the washer, and the kids running wild. The telephone rings and as you attempt to answer it, there is a knock on the door and a crash in another room. You try to handle everything at once, and it blows up in your face. By the time you get to open the door, you look and feel like a raving lunatic.

Believe it or not, it happens to everyone. It can be maddening, and it is only human nature to get frustrated and angry.

The important thing is that you take a step back and a deep breath. Everyone has bad days, however it is important that you recognize what you are feeling and take a time out.

Yes, I said take a time out. Children are not the only ones who need time outs. When the stress of the day is getting to you, and you feel like you are going to snap, go to another room, close the door and take a deep breath.

Taking a time out will not only give you time to regroup and get your senses back on track, it will also give you time to think of ways to avoid the situation again. Taking ten minutes for yourself is therapeutic. If you feel you need more time to regroup, go for a walk around the block. It is good exercise and the kids get some energy out.

When you give yourself a time out, use the time wisely. Think of the situation that caused you to get to the point you are at. More often then not, you will eventually find humor in the whole situation and be able to restore your sense of harmony.

Kids will be kids. They will always be rambunctious and full of energy. They are very intuitive and know just what buttons to push to get a reaction. No matter what situation, try not to overreact, if you feel yourself slipping, walk away and handle whatever the situation is when you have had a chance to settle yourself. That is one of the great things about time outs.

In today's economy, it is often necessary for both parents to work. This, in addition to all of the responsibilities of taking care of a home and family can lead to an extended day and lack of sleep. It is very easy to become overtired, frustrated and just drained from stress. Taking a time out will show your children that you discipline yourself as well as them and that time outs can be given to anyone.

Kelly is the mother of 3 children, 2 of which have severe difficulties. She lives in the New England region of US and is a work- at-home mom for 5 years.

Posted by Elizabeth at 6:00 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Earlier this month, we announced our newest feature: Single Parenting. Both on the Blog and on the Web site, we'll share the stories of single parents who often deal with the daily challenges of parenting all on their own. Some of their stories provide an inspiration to those of us in a parenting relationship. Other stories show the difficulty of "going it alone." And still others point to the fact that "this isn't how it was supposed to be." Not only is parenting not what they expected, neither is life.

Today we welcome back Naomi from Tales of a Single Parent.

Here are Naomi's words of advice:

The one thing I have learned about being a parent is that you must always be an advocate for your child(ren). It is one of the most important things we can do as parents. Being an advocate for your child(ren) is being that bigger stronger voice. I have also learned that being an advocate is not always easy. It is sometimes draining, stressful and frustrating, but as my good friend always says; when right - fight.

When I was in school, my mother never let anything just slide. If I was treated unfairly or mistreated in any way, she would write a letter to the adminstration or the school board and get the issue resolved. So in respects to being an advocate for my own children, I certainly learned from the best.

Your child(ren) may need support for a learning disability, they may need tutoring, they may have been passed down an unfair school suspension, a teacher or administrator may act crude towards them; whatever the issue is, it is important to know and understand that you have the right to voice your opinion and to seek a resolution. When right - fight........

Read Naomi's other Blog entry titled Challenging Children and the Single Parent printed earlier this month on A Wild Ride: The Blog.

Personally I'm a big fan of Naomi's podcasts. Check them out on Tales of a Single Parent.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:13 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Recently I went back to work as a consultant. Nice work if I can get it. It allows me to work flexible hours so that I can take my son to doctor appointments or music therapy. Problem is, those flexible hours translate into hours at night and on the weekend, checking email, researching on the Internet, returning phone calls, etc.

This week, we announce the return of Naomi from Tales of a Single Parent. Naomi promises to become one of our regular contributors to Single Parenting, a new feature to the A Wild Ride Web site starting in February.

My thought is parents in general are working harder than ever and have huge family responsibilities and many single parents have side businesses to make extra money. Our kids are essentially work orphans. If it weren't the BlackBerry, it would be regular old email on the computer or paperwork from the office, so either way you slice it; work sometimes puts us in a position where we orphan our kids; not intentionally though - it's just part of being in the rat race. Things occur without you really noticing they have happened.

I believe the key is balance. Unless you've struck it rich and all of a sudden have a major check coming your way (if you do I totally envy you and I DO accept donations) we all have to work to pay bills and to take care of our family. But we can add more balance to our lives so that we don't allow work/smartphones to contribute to orphaning our kids.

If you have made your kids BlackBerry Orphans, make a pledge to yourself to find and add more balance to your life and learn to TURN OFF THE FREAKIN' BLACKBERRY!!! (heck, if I can do it anyone can).

Don't worry; your kids still love you.

Naomi 'GeekyCyberMom', a single mom of 2 gorgeous girls, an all around geeky tech girl, social media enthusiast and technology & creative marketing consultant. Naomi is also the creator/host/producer of Tales of a Single Parent Podcast, the founder and manager of the blogs - GeekyCyberMom, Fearless TEK and Tales of a Single Parent.

To stay updated on all projects Naomi is working on visit GeekyCyberMom.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:25 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

North Star Family Matters Magazine

Last year, North Star Family Matters, a new parenting magazine, hit the scene. It's filled with excellent articles utilizing techniques such as Appreciative Inquiry, Non-Violent Communication, and EFT. Mary and I met with Editor-in-Chief Wendy Garrido and Operations Manager Prem Carnot, and we quickly realized that we share a similar philosphy: "parenting is about commitment, inspiration and empowerment."

One major focus of North Star Family Matters is Appreciative Inquiry which Mary uses in her parent coaching and in parenting workshops. A good explanation of this technique is posted on the North Star Family Matters Web site:

Appreciative Inquiry (AI) is based on an idea that many of us are already familiar with—that what we focus upon tends to increase. Founded in the business world1, AI explores current successes and how they happened instead of focusing upon problems. Emphasizing success helps recreate the excitement and passion of those events and motivates everyone to discover new ways to make peak experiences a more frequent occurrence.

To read more on Appreciative Inquiry, visit the magazine's Web site.

Another important focus of the magazine is Non-Violent Communication. Non-violent Communication strengthens our ability to respond compassionately and to inspire similar understanding from others.

Personally, I am a strong proponent of Non-violent Communication. I've seen it work so many times. My favorite example of successful Non-violent Communication is the story of a teenage boy named Matt who asked his father to join him in NVC training. Matt was tired of his father's outbursts and constant criticism. At first, the father refused to go, but Matt attended a session on his own. When he engaged his father in a conversation using some of the NVC terms, Matt realized that his father's actions were the result of his own upbringing. In reality the father did not feel good about his parenting style. Together Matt and his father broke down the barriers to true communication and found common ground by joining a local NVC program.

We'll save the explanation of EFT and our introduction of North Star Family Matters editors (Wendy, Prem and Sue) for the next Blog entry. Stay tuned.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:59 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Does your child have:
• Eyestrain
• Headaches
• Blurred vision
• Double vision
• Sleepiness (while reading)
• Difficulty concentrating on reading material
• Loss of comprehension over time
• A pulling sensation around the eyes
• Movement of print, or words appearing to move, jump, swim or appear to float on the page
• Nausea
• Dizziness
• Car-sickness
• Difficulty focusing far to near
• Sensitivity to light
• Closing one eye and /or rubbing eyes
• Moving closer to the reading material
• Excessive tearing with sustained near work
• Reading slowly
• Having to re-read when reading
• Avoidance of reading or other near work
• Blurred vision worse after reading or other close work
• Excessive head movement when reading
• Frequent loss of place when reading
• Omission of words when reading
• Skipping lines when reading
• Difficulty copying from chalkboard
• Eyes tire easily
• Short attention span (children with ADHD or ADD are 3x more likely to have an eye teaming or focusing issue)

If so, then I am sure it comes as no surprise that one or more of these problems plays an important role in your child's learning.

Pediatric Occupational Therapist Catherine Whiting shared this information with us:

'Many of these vision problems interfere with the children's abilities to reach their potential in school. It is clear that all school-age children should have comprehensive eye and vision examinations, before entering the first grade and periodically thereafter. An estimated 60% of children in occupational therapy have vision problems, due to their issues of ADHD, Autism, sensory integration, prematurity, hypotonia, etc. Intervention will result in faster progress if vision issues are addressed. That is why I personally am recommending this information to all my OT families."

Catherine recently attend a multi-day workshop by Dr. Mitchell Scheiman, an expert in Vision Therapy. She is sponsoring an upcoming seminar on Bainbridge Island (an easy ferry ride from Seattle/Edmonds or a pleasant drive around the Penisula from Tacoma).

On Saturday, December 8th from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., Melissa Rice, OD, FAAO, pediatric optometrist, will present more information on this topic. Both Catherine and Melissa will be available for questions afterward. The presentation will take place at Catherine Whiting's home (13881 John Street NE). RSVP by email to Catherine or call: 206- 855-7996.

Adults only, please.

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:31 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Several of our readers have asked for the official definition of a white-knuckled parent mentioned on our Blog and our Web Site. Mary and I developed the term white-knuckled parent to describe:

A person whose child/ren require more than "normal" children. Forced to deal with stress that most parents can't comprehend, these parents are stretched to the limits of patience, endurance, ability, and sometimes resources. They feel anxious, afraid, isolated and confused, and their days are unpredictable at every turn. They are so named because, for them, parenting is A Wild Ride, where they experience extreme ups and downs as they hold on tight.

Are you a white-knuckled parent?

Photo © Andres Rodriguez - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 1:13 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Personally I would NEVER (did I say that strongly enough?) go to the Mall with my challenging child. Of course, mall shopping is not one of my favorite things to do either. When you combine a sensory challenged child with a cranky parent, well, let’s just say the two don’t mix.

However, I am aware that shopping with our children is sometimes a necessity during the holidays. So, for those of you who must take the little darlings, here are several suggestions from Terri Mauro at About.com: Parenting Special Needs.

1. Set a time limit: Figure out how long your child can control her behavior in the noisy, active, distracting environment of a shopping mall. Subtract 10 minutes.

2. Make a plan: Figure out what you can reasonably do within the time limit you've set. Be realistic.

3. Pack supplies: If you have a bag of tricks for your child, make sure it's in your purse or pack

4. Bring a friend: Don't shop with your kids and no other adult support.

5. Have an escape route. (Do you really need an explanation for this one?)

For more details, read Terri's article Before You Go to the Mall with Your Child.

Do you have shopping strategies? Share them in the comment section or send me an e-mail.

Photo © Radu Razvan - Fotolia.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 3:23 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Earlier this month, I wrote a piece titled Bedtime reading - Soothing Anxieties. At the end of the Blog entry, I asked readers for some other strategies to share with our readers.

Our first contribution is from Cathy at Domestic Psychology who writes:

When my child was getting SI therapy, we did twice daily brushings with a soft vegetable-type brush. That morphed into just his back being brushed and I eventually ditched the brush in favor of my fingernails. I was able to calm him down and lull him to sleep with one of my "back scratches". He's 17 now, but he still asks for a back scratch occasionally.

We have made his bedroom into a comfort zone. The walls and ceiling are dark blue and the bed is covered with squishy things to squeeze or throw. The ceiling glows softly when the lights first go out.

Since we have now officially entered the STRESS season, we are looking for other calming or soothing strategies that proved successful for you and your child. Please comment below or send to me via e-mail.

Posted by Elizabeth at 4:24 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Facts about your “sleeping” child:

• After a child falls asleep for the night, she doesn't always stay that way. Parents reported that 71 percent of infants wake up needing help or attention. As a child gets older, her tendency to wake up at night diminishes; just 46 percent of toddlers, 36 percent of preschoolers and 14 percent of school-age children wake up during the night.

• More than half of all preschoolers stall about going to bed at least a few nights a week. They resist going to bed at bedtime, according to 30 percent of responses, seem sleepy or overtired during the day (26 percent), and/or have difficulty waking up in the morning (19 percent).

• Most parents (76 percent) said they would like to change something about the way their child sleeps, whether it be the time the child goes to sleep, his or her bedtime behavior, when the child wakes up, how well or how long the child sleeps, or how well he or she naps.

• Almost all (90 percent-96 percent) of parents reported that their child has a usual bedtime routine. Reading most frequently is part of the ritual, and kids who get more sleep are more likely to have books incorporated into their routine. Tooth brushing, taking baths or showers, watching TV, saying prayers and feeding are the other most-mentioned habits.

• Slightly more than one-half of infants typically are put in their crib or bed when they already are asleep, compared to about one-fourth of younger toddlers and 16 percent of older toddlers.

Reprinted from Game plan for bedtime by Brianna Horan for the Pittsburgh Tribune Review.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:48 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here are some sleep tips from Karen. To read her story, go to Overnight Success.

Counting sheep is a strategy that did not work for Joshua. But with trial and error, we did find success. Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and children with other disabilities often don’t possess the skills needed to put themselves to sleep. They need to be taught these skills and you are your child’s very best teacher. Use one or all of the ideas below. Adapt them for your child. Before you know it, your little bundle of energy will be getting a good nights sleep and you will be getting a much needed break.

Bedtime Routine

Every child thrives when a routine is established. Routine is the foundation on which a good sleep can be built. Your routine might include reading a book, saying a prayer, tucking in a special stuffed animal or singing a goodnight song. Whatever you decide on, stick to it for at least a month before changing it. After all, a routine can’t be a routine unless it’s…routine.

Bread and Water

Limit snacks before bedtime. When we eat before bed, our body gets the message that it needs to stay awake. If your child is often hungry before bed, establish a time an hour before bedtime when he can have a snack. Limit the amount and of course stay away from sugar. If he’s thirsty, stick with water.

A Symphony of Sleep

If you are pretty sure your child would fall asleep if he’d just stay in his bed, make him a deal. Turn on a CD of soft instrumental music. Tell him that when the CD is done, then and only then, he can come and get you. Chances are that while listening to a 45-minute CD, he’ll be lulled to sleep. If he’s not, experiment with it. Change to a different composer, or a different instrument. Try a CD with nature-sounds, or you might even try a book-on-tape.

Think Journal

If your child can’t get to sleep because he is worrying or can’t stop thinking about something, start a journal for him. While he is lying in bed, ask him to tell you three things he is thinking about. Write them down in the Think Journal. Before you leave the room, remind him that those things are already written down, so you can talk about them in the morning. Sometimes that’s all a child will need. Knowing that his worries are written down, frees his mind and he will soon drift off to sleep.

Technology Turn-off

Establish a time an hour before his bedtime that is technology-free. That means no television, computer or video games. He can read, play a board game, play with toys or enjoy any other activity that doesn’t involve a screen. This technology-free time will limit the amount of stimulation he is receiving before bedtime.

Sleep Rewards

Sleep habits take time to establish. But once he is used to the routine, getting to sleep will become easier and easier. And just as important is the effect on you as the parent. When you are able to get an hour or two of alone-time in the evenings, you will be better able to cope with the next day’s challenges. It may take a little work and a lot of persistence now, but the long-term reward for both of you…is enormous.

Posted by Elizabeth at 5:35 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After years of study, Dr. Levine observed that children who spent time with adults became successful adults themselves. They weren’t “overdosed with each other.” Most children, Dr. Levine feels, are scheduled with too many play dates and group activities. They rarely spend time with the adults in their lives and are unable to entertain themselves or hold a conversation with older people.

What struck me about this observation is that mothers of struggling children often suffer from the opposite problem – too little adult interaction. We spend our days shuffling between doctor appointments, therapist sessions, and school meetings, work and home, rarely stopping to enjoy another mother’s company.

Sometimes I think of Heidi Holland in Wendy Wasserstein’s play The Heidi Chronicles. “It’s just that I feel stranded,” she says in one of her monologues. “And I thought the whole point was that we wouldn’t feel stranded. I thought the point was we were all in this together.”

Believe it or not, we are all in this together, especially we moms of challenging children. Since joining a support group (go to http://www.awildride.net/index3.htm for easy steps to start your own), I no longer feel stranded. I feel a connection with other adults, especially moms going through some of the same challenges I am. Meeting moms in similar situations makes me a stronger person and definitely a better parent -- sometimes. Sometimes I am just glad that I can hold my end of an adult conversation. Other times my end of the conversation is merely nodding in agreement, yet I am delighted to connect with other adults, and I give myself a pat on the back for showing up for this adult version of a playdate.

Posted by Elizabeth at 8:05 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It’s never too late to start the day over.

After a debate with my son who misunderstood that my request for help with the dishes was actually a demand couched in gentle terms, we both realized that the day had started badly. His tears and upset and my frustration with his lack of cooperation was NOT the way to begin the day. Both of us stood our ground, already exhausted at 7 a.m. “Could we start this over?” I asked. A smile crept onto his sullen face as he whispered, “Let’s rewind.”

Rewind. Take us back to the beginning, back to before the argument even started. In this case, we walked backwards to his bedroom, he climbed back into bed, and pulled the covers over his head. I stepped out of his room, took a deep breath, then came back in. “Good morning.” I said. “Breakfast is ready. When you are dressed, would you…oops, I mean, please empty the dishwasher.

This particular morning the rewind worked. Tomorrow? We may have to rewind a little farther.

http://www.elizabethcoplan.com

Posted by Elizabeth at 9:39 AM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 1st is a tempting time to create resolutions for the New Year – some new beginnings. Lose weight, don’t take any more guff from our boss, read more, demand more help in the kitchen. Personally, my dedication to the concept of change is sincere, but the timing is artificially created by the calendar.

Actually, we can create new beginnings anytime we want. Our children certainly do! And those new beginnings can be bittersweet. The exciting first steps a baby takes are the beginning of walking (and the end of leaving her alone for more than a millisecond). Kindergarten is an amazing new beginning (but you realize you don’t have a baby anymore).

Sometimes our children’s new beginnings are tinged with inevitable, small failures. And that’s okay; there are few lessons to learn if they achieve perfection right out of the starting gate. But for challenging children, some steps forward are even more tenuous. Your highly anxious child calmly rides out a stressful week (your heat soars with hopefulness), then plummets into a frenzy over something minor (you sigh with disappointment). Your oppositional child has a short run of cooperation, but returns to banging full throttle against your amazing patience. Your teenager goes through six weeks of rehab, stays clean for three months, then starts hanging out with old friends and suffers a relapse. Same parenting experience, up and down, up and down.

As composer Paul Simon sings, “These are the days of miracle and wonder….” For moms of challenging children, these are also the days of constant uncertainty. A rollercoaster ride of embracing those hoped-for steps forward, then experiencing disappointment when things unravel. A grasp for lasting change turns into a rough landing on the landscape of your child’s volatile life.

So where’s the UP side of all of this?
Well, just knowing that new beginnings with challenging kids are fragile can help you understand that some setbacks are inevitable. Consider the following as small steps toward feeling okay with this crazy ride:

• Take note of the gains your child makes, no matter how small or large, short-lived or long lasting. Be thrilled; pat your child on the back.

• Understand that sustainable change develops slowly. Sometimes really slowly.

• Adjust your expectations to what is reasonable for your child. Develop a yardstick that measures true new beginnings for him, not the kids next door.

• Focus on “your” new beginnings, whether they begin on January 1st, grow out of a therapy or support group session, or just unexpectedly land in your lap.

Don’t overlook the lessons of loss
Even though new beginnings are often created by or come with loss, snuggled inside those losses are valuable lessons. So when you open the door to a new beginning, don’t forget to turn around and look at the door you just closed. There’s a message for you taped to the doorknob!

Have a wonderful New Year, Nina

Posted by Elizabeth at 12:13 PM in Strategies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)