Moms may appear to have the corner on guilt, but Dads are just as susceptible. As mothers we feel responsible for everything about our children. We want to do everything right and strive to measure up to our ideal morthering image. Some Dads may have these same feelings. Guilt can lead to burnout, feelings of inadequacy, and overwhelm. Reframing our language and shifting perspective can be antidotes to guilt.
Children need to know that you love them even when you may not be happy with their misbehavior. When you consistently respond with respect and dignity, it opens pathways to build connections with your child that leads you to work together and helps to develop a sense of self worth.
Once this foundation is established (through developmentally appropriate expectations, encouragement, empathy, empowerment, setting limits/boundaries, etc) you can help them understand the distinction between their identity as a loving, valued child and the behavioral choices they make. When she chooses to misbehave and disregard a set limit, you can remind her that you love her while respectfully giving the consequence.
Establish and demonstrate your confidence in your children so that next time (and there will be a next time) they will have an opportunity to make a different choice.
The more positive reinforcement you give your children (90% of the time) the more they'll understand you love them "no matter WHAT they do."
Come to the A Wild Ride Website for a complete list of the 12 Steps toward better parenting.
The first three are posted now with details:
I realize I'm stuck in my parenting when I feel I must always be right.
I shift my focus from constantly worrying about my children to finding contentment in my own life.
I intentionally ask questions out of curiosity rather than using intimidating language full of demands.
We would love your feedback. Please share your thought with us by sending an email to Elizabeth.
Let's take a moment and imagine what it would be like if you and your spouse/partner felt less stressed and gave each other words of encouragement, gratitude, and acknowledgement on a daily basis.
Though maybe not easy at first, it's worth a shot. Who knows, it could just change your life.
Do you have other ideas? Please comment below.
How do I know when I am "stuck" in my parenting?
Answer from Mary:
Remember the old saying, "Insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results?"
If your actions are beginning to feel like reruns from a bad sitcom and you are not getting the results you want, you may very well be stuck in a spin cycle and it is time to try something new.
If your stomach is tied in knots and you are going around and around to no avail, you've realized that you are stuck. Stop, take a breath, and think before reacting.
Oh yes. Depending on whether or not you are living up to the standard you've set for yourself. Some mothers expect that they are going to be able to meet all of their children's needs at each stage of their development. Soothe those bone chilling cries at 3am without resentment for lack of sleep, happily bake cookies for your child's preschool class, and attend every field trip with vim and vigor during middle school. Mothers set themselves up for failure by trying to be the perfect mom and doing it all. They forget to round out their own lives.
Guilt per se may not be constructive, unless it motivates you toward right or moral action or behavior. Feeling guilty may cause you to re-prioritize.
For example if you are a working mom and juggling work and home responsibilities you may feel guilty that you are too tired and busy with other responsibilities to spend "play-time" with your children. Guilt may help you to re-evaluate and change your situation. ~ Mary
Moms do not want their children to suffer, at all! In fact, we want our children to be perfectly happy, perfectly protected and perfectly well adjusted. We will make many sacrifices toward this unspoken goal.
But, what happens if things don't turn out as expected? We feel guilty. We ask ourselves, "Did I do enough? What did I do wrong?"
We blame ourselves instead of looking at the situation, our child's temperament, and all of the other factors (like, we ARE only human, flaws and all) that effect outcomes.
Hard-wired or not, we can change how we think and replace guilt with productive thoughts that actually make us feel better!
Must read of the week: The Guilt-Trip Casserole in the New York Times.
There's some good news here. Come back to our blog during the week and we'll share it with you. In the meantime, pat yourself on the back if you are eating dinner with your kids in front of the TV. It's better than you think!!
Read our Strategies for Suffering from Mommy Guilt on the A Wild Ride Website.
Q: With all the hub-bub of the holiday season and the changes in routine, how can I get my child to focus on schoolwork these next two weeks?
A: It’s that time of year when we are all distracted from our regular routines by the holidays. There is excitement in the air as we plan our festivities and celebrate our traditions. It is no wonder your energetic, sensitive kid will be drawn toward stimulation and activity and away from dreaded homework. Kindly empathize by letting her know that you understand how hard it is to stay focused this time of year. Give her a reassuring hug reminding her how capable she is of successfully completing her work. Help to keep her school and homework routines as consistent as possible. Acknowledge her hard work with a hug, words of affirmation (you completed your work in record time!) every day. Take her out to a movie, bookstore, activity or event she chooses at the end of the two weeks as a way of acknowledging her success.
If she is having a very difficult time focusing, break down the work into small chunks. Allow her to take short breaks and work closely with her to help her complete her tasks. She may just need more 1:1 time to get her work done.
Remember to reward (words of encouragement and affirmation) her frequently.
~Mary
Read Mary's Gifts of the Season on A Wild Ride.
How apropos that Thanksgiving week and National Family Week coincide! Something tells me the organizers planned it that way.
The premise of National Family Week is a noble one. It's foundation is that it "takes a village" and does not rely on a traditional definition of family (mom, dad, 2.3 children and a dog/cat).
"Children live better lives when their families are strong, and families are strong when they live in communities that connect them to economic opportunities, social networks, and services.
These "connections" include: Economic self-sufficiency, family sustaining jobs, dependable transportation, reliable child care, accessible health care, applicable education and training, and affordable housing.
The Alliance for Children and Families, a nonprofit membership association representing child- and family-serving organizations in the United States and Canada, has directed National Family Week efforts for more than 30 years.
So, what's your defintion of family? Leave a comment below or send me your thoughts.
For National Family Week events throughout the U.S., click here.
Q. I'm in a serious relationship with a man. But my son's anxieties hit new highs when my friend stays more than an hour after dinner. What can I do to meet both my needs and honor my son's fears?
A. This situation can be tricky to navigate. It requires patience and understanding on everyone's part. If this is a serious relationship it is definitely worth taking it slow and giving your son opportunities to adapt and learn to trust this new adult in his life. Your son will need to learn through experience that this new relationship is not going to diminish or replace your love for him. Have your friend spend time alone doing guy things with your son. Give them opportunities to build their own relationship. Do things together, go on outings, have fun together, "show" your son that this friend is adding richness to both of your lives.
It's a difficult situation and one in which could cause some anger and resentment if you feel like you have to compromise beyond what you want to. Consider though that your child cannot control his anxieties and needs you to help create an environment where he can cope better with what he is facing. He is probably scared that you are not going to be there for him. Talk to him about his fears. Ask him what he likes about having your friend in your lives and what he doesn't like. Reassure him. Ask what you could all do together to have fun.
You may also find other ways to have a sleepover with your friend. Find an overnight sitter for your son or have him spend the night with a friend. Keep working at building trust between your son and your friend. Blending a family may not be easy, but it's so worth the effort when everyone works together.
Answered by Mary Scribner, Parent Coach and A Wild Ride creator/author. Read more from Mary on our FAQ page. You may also ask your own question. Send it to mary@awildride.net.
Related article: When Mom starts dating in the in the Cincinnati Post.
Photo by © Galina Barskaya - Fotolia.com
In June, one of our readers asked the following questions:
• What do you do when the non-custodial parent abruptly halts the child's medication?
• What if that parent also spends an entire summer telling your kid that the routines you've worked hard to establish are unnecessary?
Here's another mom's experience with these issues:
I have been divorced for 11 years now; and have been that whole route through the courts concerning a parent who is in denial about the child's problems.
You can get supervised visitation, at least in Oregon where my divorce was completed, based upon medical neglect; which is not giving medicine that was prescribed by a doctor.
Also, not 'believing' the Custodial Parent when there are expert reports and such was also considered parental neglect.
You have to achieve this by getting a forensic psychological evaluation completed on ALL parties. You, Dad and the child. This has to be requested by you to the court. Make sure that you have a GOOD lawyer who has a good track record, uh winning, with psychological evaluations. The psychologist then makes a recommendation to the court, which the Judge 99% of the time will abide by.
Mine picked a very good one, who was very adamant that NCP's have equal access, and I still received a supervised visiation recommendation.
E-mail me if you have any questions: toriop@yahoo.com.
This situation sounds very painful and difficult for you and all family members that are involved. It must take a tremendous amount of energy to regain ground after your son returns to you from his Dad's. I hope you have the support of friends and family.
It seems for many to be much easier to look outward with blame (especially when painful) than it is to look inward. It is easy for me to say, but at least the Dad is not projecting his anger on this sweet, compassionate boy. I hope you can get the support you need and find ways of protecting yourself emotionally from his raging and negativity.
It is wonderful that you see your son's strengths and love him for his uniqueness. This has got to be comforting for him to know he has a parent who sees him for who he is. ~Mary
Thanks for the validation – and the responses!
Indeed, the final option is the one I settled into. In other words, the option of working (much) harder in order to counteract the changes in routine introduced by the non-custodial parent due to his values and lifestyle.
Going to a court did not help (I did indeed pursue that option): in Washington, decision making is joint by default, and one has to demonstrate direct harm to the child or inability to cooperate in parenting.
That last bit is the catch-22. I *have* to cooperate with what he wants to do, for the benefit of the child. But if I do cooperate, I can’t get sole decision-making.
Keeping him stable and in a safe and predictable structure has been a tremendous challenge and huge resource-drain for my family (myself, my husband, and our younger child). It seems very unfair that the entire burden lies on me – just because the father will not accept that there is any “real” problem. And yet, that is my reality.
An insight from a mental health professional was that the father has projected all his sadness about the boy’s “imperfection” into rage at me, for being the presumed cause of it. If only he would look at the boy and see how very wonderful he is – how very *perfect* he is, how very caring and compassionate and smart and sweet! But he hasn’t gotten there yet. For now, an over the past 15 years since our divorce, everything that has been wrong has been my fault.
On June 19th, one of our readers posed some great questions after reading Nina's post titled Dads: Father's Day, summertime and letting go a little:
• What do you do when the non-custodial parent abruptly halts the child's medication?
• What if that parent also spends an entire summer telling your kid that the routines you've worked hard to establish are unnecessary?
Mary Scribner, A Wild Ride author and parent coach, offers this response:
Co-parenting and single parenting have got to be one of the hardest undertakings of any parent. And, when these parents have differing styles and values and maybe some unfinished business, it can be very difficult for all involved, especially the child. If you have been given the authority by the court to make the medical decisions, you can bring the non-custodial parent's actions to the court. If your child's doctor has prescribed medicine for this child and he/she is clearly doing better when he is on it, then I would document this. If you wish to stay out of court, you could ask the child's doctor to send a letter to the parent of the treatment plan and why this medicine may be in the child's best interest.
What is critically clear to me is that your child's well-being comes first. You probably have done everything you can to listen to the non-custodial parents point of view and communicate your child's needs. If that approach has fallen on deaf ears and you don't want to go to court, then you have to do all you can for your child while he is in your care. You will have to work harder to bring routines and structure back into your child's life when he is with you.
To read our first response from a mom who's been through a similar situation, click here.
Last week, one of our readers posed some great questions after reading Nina's post titled Dads: Father's Day, summertime and letting go a little:
• What do you do when the non-custodial parent abruptly halts the child's medication?
• What if that parent also spends an entire summer telling your kid that the routines you've worked hard to establish are unnecessary?
We asked our readers and a couple of professional resources, in addition to A Wild Ride authors Nina and Mary, to offer their suggestions. We'll post all the responses on the Blog over the next ten days.
Our first response is from a mom who's been through a similar situation. She offers:
The bigger issue here is not that the dad doesn't think his son needs ADHD meds or a routine. The bigger issue is that he is still battling his x-wife and their marriage that ended in divorce.
If the dad respected the mother, they would still be married. There is not much the mom can do to convince the father to agree with her about their son and his diagnosis.
I would recommend she go to a higher authority such as a doctor, teacher and therapist when trying to work with her Ex. Document, document and document her son's behavior. Then go to her attorney for action through the courts.
If a judge sees evidence from professionals that the dad's care, or lack of, is not in the child's best interest, visitation with dad can be restricted. However, this is a hard battle to fight.
It is good that the son only sees his dad for short periods of time with no medication. Some doctors recommend a “medication vacation” in the summer. Many do not. Perhaps this is something to discuss with the child’s doctor.
If at all possible, I would suggest that the son return to mom the middle of August to establish a good sleep and medication routine again before school starts. I know this is very difficult for the mom, but she must try to rise above the dad's battleground and not engage.
Each and every daily tasks of raising a child can be done differently. As hard as this sounds, the mom's job is to not argue with the dad. If she shows more respect for the father than she is receiving, and she takes the higher, more difficult, road -- then her son may benefit in time.
It's not easy but worth a try.
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