A Wild Ride: Strategies

Do you ever feel like there are days (weeks or even months!) when you are a walking target? When your child’s behavior is aimed directly at something deep inside you it causes a strong reaction of feelings ranging from mild annoyance to catapulting you instantly into blaming, out-of-control anger.

You are not alone. We all experience getting our buttons pushed by our children. Often we hate the way we react but don’t know how to stop ourselves in the heat of the moment when we’re seeing RED.

We all want to connect with the children we love, not be reactive, yell or withdraw.

Becoming aware of your target zones (or triggers) is the first step in responding consciously. We can learn to take responsibility for our own emotions and reactions and stop the reactivity that is derailing our best intentions.

Here are some great tips to get you started from the fabulous book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons, And What You Can Do About It by Bonnie Harris.

So get out your journal, start writing and growing into the parent you want to be.

1. First write down your child’s typical behaviors that push your buttons, what your automatic reactions are, range (mild to boiling over), and your reaction to your child.

2. Write down a situation (you were trying to get somewhere or do something), what your child’s reaction was that pushed your button, what your reaction was and what your child’s agenda was.

Here’s an example: I was trying to get out of the house on time so I wasn’t late for work (again).

My son had a meltdown when putting his shoes on.

I reacted by getting angry and yelling at him because I thought he should be considerate of me always being late for work (I never said these thoughts were rational!)

My son’s agenda was that he was distraught over his sock being bunched up in his shoe. He has sensory issues with seams in his socks and his clothes not “feeling right.”

3. Next describe a button-pushing behavior, your feelings, and how you often react. What your assumptions are about your child when you see this button-pushing behavior and also describe the assumptions about yourself. Then write down what you can say to yourself to change your assumption to be more accurate. How does that feel?

Here’s another example: My son is resistant and stubborn about everything. I feel angry and afraid.

I often react by withdrawing or getting angry with him.

My assumptions about my son is that he is inflexible and can’t take no for an answer. He will have difficulty holding down a job or having healthy relationships.

My assumptions about myself are that I cannot influence him in healthy ways to change. I choose to tell myself that my son is a person who knows his limits well and can stand up for himself.

We connect when I listen to him with respect. I feel much calmer and in control of my own emotions. I feel closer to my son and have more self-confidence.

Practice defusing your buttons when feeling annoyed or frustrated rather than waiting for a full-blown rage. It’s much easier to change a habit when you are calm and in your thinking brain than in your reactive flight or fight brain.

Here are some reminders that Bonnie gives on what to do when your button gets pushed:

Stop. Breathe. Walk away if you need to.
Detach. Choose to be non-reactive.
Notice what your agenda is.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Identify your assumptions.
Don’t take it personally – it’s not about you!
Change your perspective – think differently.
Use affirmative self-talk and check the accuracy of your assumptions.
Ask what is your child’s behavior trying to tell you?
Connect with your child.

For more detailed information and exercises check out Bonnie Harris’s book.

And, let us know how this is working for you as you continue to grow and learn on this humbling and amazing life path we call parenting. Write to us at mary@awildride.net.

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Beliefs That Affect Our Behavior as Parents

Believe it or not we carry beliefs in our subconscious that were formed when we were children (parents are the bosses and always get their way, fathers are never home, or mom is always busy). In our immature minds we interpreted our experiences drawn from the cumulative positive and negative interactions with our parents, teachers, friends and relatives as true. These “truths” formed our self-image, (I’m stupid, I’m pretty, selfish, lazy, better than he is), our values (right from wrong) and our expectations (how people act if they really love me).

As parents, our interpretations of our children’s behaviors are directly linked to our own expectations, values, and beliefs. (“I must always control my children so they behave appropriately in public.”) We may subconsciously think that if our children really cared about us they would appreciate all we do for them, or do as we ask without any resistance, always agree with us, or never do things that upset us, do well in school, or do chores without being asked. Having expectations is ok, unless we make our children wrong by making them feel guilty, or blaming them when they don’t meet our standards. When we fully realize that our disappointments are caused by our own expectations we can begin to explore what beliefs lead to these expectations in the first place.

When we question and understand our beliefs (is this what I believe now or is this left over from my childhood?), values (am I making my child wrong and me right?), and expectations (does her behavior mean she loves me or hates me?) we can free up our outward behavior and act in loving ways that perhaps we were unable to before. The good news is that if we want to challenge our beliefs and work to change them, we can. If you are one of the lucky few who are quite happy and feel strong, capable, important, and worthy of conditional love then read on. Perhaps you can help to cheerlead the rest of us who “emerged” from childhood “having perceived countless messages that were not quite so self-affirming.”

How do I Begin?

Take the time to question your values, beliefs and expectations that are not only held by you, but by the culture, your family and your friends. Recognize that your currently held beliefs may or may not be true for you at this time in your life. You may want to question, challenge, and test and learn to discover what is true for you.

Some common beliefs are: “It’s not ok to express negative feelings”, “angry feelings are wrong”, “if men cry it means they are weak”, and “I need to be in control.” Write down some of your own beliefs.

Challenging Beliefs

We all have very definite beliefs about the right way to behave. When our children behave in ways we believe to be wrong or they do not meet our expectations we become upset and may react strongly. Bonnie Harris clarifies this behavior in her insightful book, When Kids Push Your Buttons “…our beliefs about ourselves influence our standards, shape our experiences, affect our behavior, and trigger the assumptions we make about ourselves and others (he’s just like my father, she’s never going to amount to anything). Our automatic reactions are firmly grounded in these beliefs.”

If you find yourself becoming upset in reaction to your child’s behavior, stop and ask yourself these questions like Mira did when her 12 year old son did not give her a mother’s day card.

· “What did I expect to happen?”

Disappointed, Mira explained, “I expected to be acknowledged with at least a card on Mother’s Day.”

· “What belief led me to that expectation?”

“If Jason really loved me he would acknowledge me by giving me a card!”

· “Is that belief true or accurate?”

“No, not really. Jason shows me he loves me in other ways.”

· “Is this belief serving me in my life now?”

“Not at all. I ended up feeling mad at Jason.”

· “Am I limiting myself and the loving relationship I want with my child?”

“Yes, I’m blaming him instead of admitting that I had an expectation of how I wanted Jason to behave. I was making him wrong for failing to meet my expectation. I’m doing the same thing to Jason that my mother did to me.”

Mira realized that her disappointment was caused by her expectation, not what Jason did or did not do. Taking responsibility for her feelings and behavior is a huge step toward promoting the emotional growth and personal responsibility of both Mira and Jason.

Digging Deeper

· Write down some expectations that your parents had of you that you did not fulfill.

· What did they say about you?

· What was your interpretation of what they said?

· How did you feel about it?

· What did you believe about yourself because of it?

· Do you still hold that belief?

· How does this belief affect your parenting?

Being open, and willing to risk by taking an honest look at how you behave toward yourself and others, takes courage and energy. But it is this courageous act that breaks down the barriers that get in the way of love. Isn’t that what we all want!?

Write to us at mary@awildride.net and let us know your stories, challenges and successes. ~ Mary

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Your Own Childhood Experience and How it Affects Your Parenting

How many times have you blurted out words or reacted in a way that you swore you would never do or say to your children? You cringe, feeling like you’ve sabotaged a promise you made with yourself when you decided to parent. You swore you would NEVER use those jarring phrases or intimidating actions that felt hurtful to you when you were a child.

History has a way of repeating itself and unless you have reflected on and integrated your own childhood experiences in to your present life, you may be vulnerable to passing on those unhealthy patterns from the past.

What’s a parent to do? You can’t change your past, but you can certainly change how you look at it and that shift will change how you are affected by it. You can choose to change your paradigm and realize the opportunity that parenting now presents to you. You can heal some of those tender spots from your childhood that never quite healed over. So, what if you accepted the notion that your child is your best teacher? Instead of regressing to a childlike state when your buttons get pushed, you can take a deep breath and reflect on responding differently. You’ll also deepen your ability to understand your own emotional experience, gain insight and freedom to build and maintain the loving, nurturing relationship you envisioned when you became a parent.

How? Well, let’s look at some ideas that may just encourage you to deepen your connection with your own emotional world and that of your children.

Mindfulness

Focus your attention on purposeful interactions with your children. Let go of being preoccupied with the past or worried about the future. Create an intention to be mentally present with your children.

· When you feel triggered (an emotional response that causes you to hold your breath), make sure you take a minute to breathe slowly and calmly to short circuit the stress response.

· Each time a worry pops into your mind, imagine tucking it away in a “worry box” in your minds eye. Allow yourself 5 minutes a day to open your worry box and obsess (if you must) over your worries. When done you can write them on a piece of paper and watch them go up in smoke over a candle flame.

· As you work on being mentally as well as physically present with your children you will build rich emotional connections and a sense of well-being.

Learning along the way

Parenting is a life-long journey. Having children gives you the opportunity to grow and challenges you to look at issues left over from your past. When you approach these stimulating moments as learning opportunities rather than unpleasant tasks, you can shift to a positive attitude, an open mind and view parenting as a journey of discovery.

· Write your thoughts in your journal every day.

Flexibility

One of the most challenging aspects of parenting can be to respond in flexible ways and not over-react to a situation that triggers your automatic knee-jerk reactions.

· When you are well rested, fed, and feeling good, being able to choose how you respond is much easier than when you are frustrated, disappointed, tired, and hungry.

· Thus I rest my case for the extreme importance of self-care. Make sure you are taking as good a care of yourself as you are of your children. Sleep 8 hours a night (more of less depending on your needs). Enjoy your food; don’t just wolf it down so you can care for some one else. Make sure you take time for yourself everyday and are doing something you love.

Interpretation

Do you tend to interrupt your children’s behavior by their words and actions? Have you ever considered what may be motivating their behavior? What thoughts, perceptions, sensations, or feelings have lead up to their actions? When you focus on what may be motivating your children’s behaviors, you nurture the emotional understanding and compassion.

· Talk with your children about their thoughts, memories, and feelings. This helps to build their interpersonal skills, social skills, and self-understanding. When you have a view into their world it allows you to parent with more compassion and understanding.

Respect and joy

Do you often feel like the CEO of your family and spend more time managing them than enjoying time together? Do you think more about the problems of life rather than those joyful opportunities? When we are so busy doing things for our children we forget the importance of just being with them.

· Try gaining a fresh perspective everyday when you rise out of bed. Reflect on the experiences of day-to-day life in your family.

Want to share how your childhood affects your parenting? Write to us at mary@awildride.net.

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Can YOU Change Your Child?

Are you parenting a strong willed child who has behavioral and discipline challenges? If so, you probably have tried all of the traditional parenting techniques and discipline methods and maybe even tried changing your child with your will – only to have it backfire on you! Wanting children to change is one thing, but making them change is another.

Still, when things don’t go the way we’d like them to, it’s easy to get stuck in strategies that don’t work very well for us. We can either repeat our behavior, over and over; hoping if we just try harder eventually everything will work out. Or we simply may be unaware that there could be a different approach to the problem. Additionally, we may be just plain ole’ afraid of making a change. Whatever the reason, when you are feeling stuck in the same old behavioral approach and not getting the outcome you want, consider taking a fresh look. Who knows, you could break a pattern!

The good news – responding differently to your child can give her an opportunity to respond differently to you. Once you recognize that parenting a strong willed child requires you to be more flexible and adapt your method of parenting to your child’s temperament, you can breathe in some new insight and point the finger at the only one who you can make change – YOU.

Take a look at these 10 ideas and consider how you can think more flexibly and adapt your method of parenting to your child. You may just revitalize your relationship!

1. Most of the difficulty that arises in relationship boils down to conflict. Your child won’t listen to you, she won’t do her chores, she does not do what you ask her to, she won’t do…., she won’t……., she won’t…., she won’t! When conflict arises YOU can make a choice. You can turn conflict into a problem or into learning and growing opportunities for both you and your child. After all, isn’t your goal to strengthen your relationship?

2. The first step is to realize that you cannot change your child. He came hard wired. His temperament and personality are such as they are. You can however, change your child’s environment and your approach to better meet his needs and your own.

3. Change is not easy. But the one person we will change for is our children. Become aware of the unhappiness conflict can cause. Make it a big enough motivator to bite the bullet and take steps to minimize conflict.

4. Learn to respect children as having separate identities from mom and dad. Guide them with respect and dignity.

5. Remember there are two conditions when you should not avoid conflict. If you are intimidated and avoiding conflict you run the risk of giving your child power over you. Or you could run the risk of escalation – the longer you delay confronting an issue, the more volatile it can get.

6. Come to terms with what is not working in your relationship. Not judging what you’ve been doing as wrong, just ineffective. It’s time to move forward and not criticize yourself for the past. Ask what your expectations are when reflecting on what is not working. Are they realistic for your child’s age, development, and capabilities?

7. Recognize whether your reactions to conflict make you feel bad or good about yourself. Key in to your feelings and take notice. Write about these in your journal. Do you notice any patterns?

8. Do you have automatic reactions when you encounter conflict? Do words come out of your mouth that you once heard your parents say that you swore you would never use when you became a parent? This happens to everyone. Nevertheless, if these words or actions are causing hurt or conflict to escalate you’ll want to revise your approach.

9. Do your reactions cause a negative response or a predictable chain reaction? For example; you criticize your son, he gets mad, slams the door, and runs outside. If you step back and get some perspective, could you have predicted this reaction? You’re lucky if you can predict a response. That way you can try different approaches and see what is most effective.

10. Try taking a deep breath when you very first notice your body tightening in reaction to a stimulus that often leads to conflict. Your daughter ignores you after you’ve asked her to turn off the TV and come to the dinner table for the 10^th time!! Instead of reacting by yelling and spiraling into a power struggle, try short-circuiting those stress hormones by deep breathing so you can think and not react. If you are mad and reactive it’s time to walk away and take a breather. You’ll be able to respond appropriately to her when you’re able to think straight and approach her from a problem solving perspective. Once you are in your thinking brain, give her a 2-minute warning (more or less time depending on her age and temperament). If she still has not complied, walk in and calmly turn off the TV. She may yell and scream, but if you are consistent she’ll soon learn you mean business. Better yet, if this is a pattern, work on approaching her before the TV at dinnertime becomes an issue. Engage in active listening with her about how you could work together and develop a workable plan.

Do you have some ideas and strategies that you’d like to share with our readers? Email mary@awildride.com. We would love to hear from YOU! ~ Mary

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Gender Parenting

Do you relate to your boy differently than your girl? Most of us do. It starts off in the newborn nursery with early sex typing of our babies – boys in blue and girls in pink. Later as our children’s behavioral differences become apparent, we begin to expect specific characteristics to emerge based on gender identity.

Boys push their sister’s doll across the floor vocalizing truck sounds, varoooom! Do we then begin to stereotype our boys and expect that they are biologically predetermined to be tough and aggressive? When we observe girls engaging with one another, making eye contact, and talking, do we expect every female to be sensitive and nurturing?

Does gender identification and stereotyping start us down the road of coddling and over-protecting our girls and roughhousing and play-fighting with our boys?

The age-old debate of nurture vs. nature continues to this day. In the meantime while the researchers are hashing it out, let’s take a look at healthy approaches we can inoculate in our own family’s “Petri dish.”

Understand the Differences

Consider the biologic differences between boys and girls and the role of hormones. Boys typically have higher testosterone and lower serotonin levels than girls do. High levels of testosterone are not only known to be responsible for aggressive behavior but also cause boys to stress easier and have more difficulty calming down than girls.
Boys are wired to be action oriented and tend to be more tactile, less verbal and more impulsive than girls. They are more rambunctious, and aggressive, and take more risks. Boys may need more encouragement to slow down
In school most boys lag behind girls in developing self-control and attentiveness. On the playground they have a tendency to be more competitive whereas girls engage in more cooperative play with their peers.
Girls are better at building relationships and interpreting emotions than boys. They develop verbal skills earlier and are hard wired to be people-oriented. Girls may need encouragement to take more risks.

Check Your Attitudes about Gender

Here are some good questions to ask yourself developed by Dave Riley from the University of Minnesota. These questions may help you to clarify your own attitudes and beliefs about gender and stereotypes.

Do I hold back hugging my son just because he is a boy?
Do I expect less toughness and drive from a daughter than I would from a son?
What kind of adult roles should I prepare my child for? How will his or her world be different from mine?

No Stereotyping

Be affectionate with both your boys and girls equally. Make sure you comfort your boy just as you would your girl when he gets hurt or makes a mistake.
Dads, don’t worry about your boy wanting to play with a doll. He will leave it behind as soon as he is ready or his peers tease him about it. Nurturing is a value we want all of our children to learn.
Encourage your daughter to play with tools if she is interested and your son to dress up and put on plays. Accept your child’s temperament, interests, desires, and dreams. Remember that each child is unique. Encourage each child to express their interests and gifts and allow them to play with whatever they are attracted to.
Encourage your boys to express their feelings just as you expect your girls to. You may need to try harder and be more creative in getting your boys to talk to you than your girls. If you are feeling frustrated because your boy grunts when asked a question remember he comes by it naturally. Don’t expect he will engage in a full conversation with you like your girl may. Girls’ talk sooner and more than boys. Talk while your son is doing something; building legos, playing ball. Don’t necessarily expect eye contact from your boy.
Teach both your boys and girls to learn slow deep belly breathing as a stress reduction technique. Exercise is a great way to blow off steam and calm down. Talking may help girls (and some boys) to decrease their stress levels.
Allow both your boys and girls to struggle when working on completing a task. Trying, failing and trying again is how children learn to become confident and resilient. If you rush in too early or do not allow your child to fail you are depriving them of an opportunity to learn self-sufficiency and build self-esteem.
Teach your children values that you want both of them to learn: empathy, compassion, respect, confidence and independence.
Children learn by watching you. Model a healthy self-concept and body image by exercising and eating healthy without overdoing it and expecting yourself to look like a model. When you look in your own mirror, comment on the beauty you see. Don’t be critical and complaining. Recognize when your body is hungry or needs rest.
Don’t raise your girls to be people-pleasers. Help her to identify her own needs and remind her to trust her intuition.
Because girls are so verbal and relationship oriented this can be problematic as preadolescence approaches. There can be high drama around friendships – who did what and why, who said what, etc. Establish open lines of communication early so she learns to come to you for advice.
Provide opportunities to both boys and girls toward action activities and to express nurturing emotional qualities.

How do you deal with gender and stereotypes in your family? We would love to hear from you! Send us your ideas so more moms can learn from You! Write to mary@awildride.net.

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The Dance of Intimacy

The month of February is known as the month of love and is celebrated with exchanges of gifts, flowers, and candy. Though Valentines Day is now associated with sending Hallmark cards, it has it’s roots in love. For many of us February 14^th seems to be the one-day we go out of our way to acknowledge how much we care for our spouses, partners, and others.

These acknowledgements are a lovely sentiment between couples. But what happens when we throw children in the mix? And what if those children stress a marriage or partnership to the absolute max? How do YOU deal with the extra burden of raising challenging children who drain you and strain your marriage? Do you withdraw? Blame your spouse? Feel isolated and alone? Or find ways to come together and work as a team?

When you are parenting children who by their very nature are stressed and difficult to live with, all family members will benefit if the marriage is on solid ground. If you feel drained by your challenging child’s behaviors, it behooves you to take action and find happiness, security, and strength within yourself and your marriage/partnership.

Let’s take a moment and imagine what it would be like if you and your spouse felt less stressed and gave each other words of encouragement, gratitude, and acknowledgement on a daily basis. Though maybe not easy at first, it’s worth a shot. Who knows, it could just change your life. Try one of these tips and see what occurs as you dance the steps of intimacy.

Create Space For Sharing

· Check in with your partner on a daily basis. Create time together over coffee in the morning, a phone call during the day, or after the children are in bed.

· Use open verbal communication. Define your thinking to one another. Don’t take for granted that your spouse/partner knows what you think or how you feel. Ask.

· Communicate openly. Use “I” messages when expressing yourself. “I feel….” Instead of “You made me feel….” Can go a long way toward forwarding the conversation.

· Listen with empathy to each other’s frustrations and concerns. Act kindly and with compassion. Adopt the radical belief that both of you are doing the best you can at this point in time.

· If you are having trouble communicating, you may want to use a “talking stick.” This is a tradition borrowed from the Native American culture, which provides a way to make sure you both have a chance to speak your views without interruption. Take any object (rock, koosh ball, etc) that you like to hold. Whoever is holding the object has the floor and speaks her current steam of thoughts. When she is finished speaking, she gives the talking stick to her partner who now has the right to talk without interruption. The listener does not speak while the other person is holding the object.

Find Ways To Manage Your Stress

· Find ways of handling your stress so you are not blaming your spouse for how messed up things feel. Share honestly about what you want from each other and resolve to deal with your child together. If both parents are acting as a team it can make an extraordinary difference in your effectiveness as parents and in your relationship as partners.

· If you are experiencing challenges talking or listening to each other try the 20-minute rule. Set the timer for 20 minutes. One person talks without using blame, judgments or criticisms. The talking person uses “I” language. The listener does not respond verbally but listens deeply to what is being said. The listener gets inside the world-view of the speaker for the designated time. After 20 minutes is up you switch speaking and talking roles. Set the timer for 20 minutes. The speaker now becomes the listener, and visa versa. When you are both done, thank each other for listening and refrain from talking about what was said until the following day. If on the following day the speaker does not feel more resolved, then repeat the 20-minute listening rule daily, or weekly until you both feel heard by your partner.

· Recognize any “survival actions” that cause you to withdraw from your family into work or become angry and blame everyone for your unhappiness. Acknowledge these stress reactions for what they are and talk it through with your partner or seek help from a friend or professional.

· Pay attention to your interpretations of your spouse’s actions. Are you constantly judging her? Take a mental step into her world and imagine what she’s feeling. She may be feeling just as scared or confused as you are. Check it out by asking an inquiry question such as, “Are you feeling as confused as I am?”

Recharge yourself and your partnership

· Hire a sitter and go on weekly dates. Take this time to have fun together and nurture your time as a couple – don’t discuss your children at all!

· Offer to relieve your spouse from parenting duties for a night out or a weekend away.

· Slip love notes under your spouse’s pillow, in his/her car, or in the mail. Use words of endearment. Give praise. Affirm your love for each other frequently.

· Give loving hugs. Massages. Don’t forget, giving chocolate and flowers can go a long way and NOT just on Valentines Day. Be spontaneous.

· Marital counseling. If you are in constant conflict and unable to work together or find that parenting is driving a wedge between you, then seek professional help. Your child needs a strong parental team. You need to support each other.

· Renegotiate your relationship as two imperfect people who also love each other and don’t forget to use humor as often as possible!!!!

These and other expressions of love may be the greatest gift you give to yourself, your partner, and your child. Above all nurture yourself. Write to us at mary@awildride.net to share what’s working to keep your relationship healthy. We love to hear from you. Happy Valentines Day ~ Mary

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Letting Go of Parenting Myths

Let go of the notion that there is a “right way” to parent.

Approaches to parenting are unique and varied. Each of us brings our own strengths, values and preferences to parenting. When you parent from your strengths and values you’ll feel more satisfied and confident. Check out Authentic Happiness to identify your strengths.

Let go of the myth of the ideal mother.

No mother does everything right and nothing wrong. Why then do we fantasize that our neighbor has the perfect child because “she” must be doing everything right? Maybe she has a child with a mild temperament that matches her mother’s or maybe you don’t get to witness her struggles behind closed doors.

Believe it or not we all have limitations, feel insecure, and are vulnerable when it comes to parenting. After all we are only human. Get to know and become friends with your limits and vulnerabilities. Recognize these as the flip side of your strengths and appreciate your wholeness.

Let go of constantly turning to others for advice and disregarding your inner wisdom.

When we ignore our inner compass, we can feel overwhelmed and lose our confidence. We look everywhere for answers. We can read dozens of parenting books, have evaluations and exams by a multitude of professionals, take parenting classes, enroll our children in the right schools, and still feel inadequate.

Looking outside for answers and ignoring our own intuition does not always give us what we need. Understanding what your own needs are as a human being, as a mother will guide you toward more effective self-management of your time and internal resources. Nonviolent Communication has a list of needs to help you identify yours.

Let go of negative self talk.

If your “inner committee” or what you say to yourself when you feel irritated or stressed is negative or undermining your good intentions, engage in positive self-talk instead. Reframe those negative words and create positive internal dialogue that capture the attitude and outcome you want.

Translate your negative self talk from “I’m never going to be a good mom” to “Mothering is helping me become my best self.” Feel how your energy shifts when you repeat these different phrases.

Let go of expecting yourself to be the best at every aspect of mothering.

If you are resenting baking cookies for your child’s class on birthdays and holidays, creating the ultimate birthday party of your child’s dreams, or playing video games till your thumbs go numb and your vision losses focus, stop.

If you hear the word “should” in your inner voice, take time to re-evaluate the decisions you are making. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you will cause your child psychological damage if you are not consistent, or flexible enough, or not always objective or fair, or fail at providing structure and order, or don’t always foster her creativity and individuality. This is a tall order and cause for major burnout and disappointment.

Let go of resentments and anger.

Forgive both yourself and others, build trust, and treat yourself and others with respect. Take responsibility for your behavior. Appreciate the fact that you can alter your thinking and find the joy that you’ve let slide.

Let go of the misconception that your child’s misbehavior is a reflection of your parenting abilities.

All children test the limits of their environment. Some children are very strong willed, are more persistent and need repeated boundary and limit setting. Other children learn with a softer approach and seem easy in comparison. Take the time to learn your own mothering style (see MotherStyles on our Resource page) and approach your mothering from your strengths. Give the gift of self compassion rather than internalizing and judging yourself as a bad Mom.

Let go of thinking you have to parent alone.

Create a support network with other parents, family, friends, groups, parent coaching, whatever works for you. Parenting is a tough job and should never be done in isolation.

As we lay the old year to rest to make room for the new, consider how much power and influence you hold over the people you love and care for. You always do whatever it takes to give your child the best of what she/he needs. Isn’t it about time you did that for yourself as well?

Let’s walk hand-in-hand supporting each other on this incredible journey. Write and let us know what new possibilities are showing up in your life as you make way for the New Year. ~ Mary

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Music and Mood

Music can be very powerful. Not only do harmony, melody and rhythm create bonds that bring us together in fundamental ways, music also has a powerful effect on evoking emotions. For example, when you hear traditional holiday music doesn’t it conjure up memories from your childhood that are associated with family and rituals?

We all know from our own experience that music can be emotionally arousing or relaxing and peaceful. Currently, there is a great deal of research and interest about the influence of music on mood, learning and behavior. For example Children with Tourette’s syndrome often find that music allows them to bypass their tics. And children who stutter have no hesitancy when it comes to singing each note loud and clear.

Let’s look at ways to add more music to our lives and reap the benefits.

Cultivate appreciation of music in your child from an early age.

1.      Babies can hear in utero at 4 months of age. While pregnant listen to music that makes you feel good and those feelings will be transferred to your baby.

2.      Begin to sing and act out songs with your hands and body movements when your child is an infant. For example when you sing “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” use your fingers to show the spider climbing and the rain falling. Young children love this.

3.      Borrow CDs and DVDs from your library. You can also make up silly songs throughout the day. Use your child’s name as you rhyme and sing.

4.      Dance with your child. Young children between the ages of 1-3 love to move to music. March, clap, rock and move to the beat.   Use props like stuffed animals, scarves, ribbons, or balloons as you dance around the room.

5.      Have a basket of musical instruments (drums, rattles, bells, accordion, etc) at hand to make music together.

6.      Hum or sing a special lullaby before your child goes to sleep. She will learn to connect this with sleep time. Do you remember being sung to or listening to music as a child? What was it like?

7.      Sing with good humor while engaging your child in activities you’d like her to cooperative with you in. The Program for Early Parent Support (PEPS) has some great examples of this.

o Picking up toys (“toys away, toys away, it’s time to put the toys away”)

o Brushing teeth (“brushing, brushing, brushing teen,” sung to the tune of “London Bridge Is Falling Down”)

o Taking a bath (“Now it’s bath time, now it’s bath time, yes, it is” sung to the tune of “Are you Sleeping”).

Playing an Instrument is highly beneficial

5. Skills and knowledge that children learn by playing one instrument will transfer to another instrument they may pick up later in life.

Music as Part of Life

1. Find live performances that are geared toward children. Outdoor concerts can give your active child a chance to run around without bothering anyone.

2. Give your child every opportunity to build the capacity to enjoy music.

Write to us and share how music has been incorporated into your life and what affect it has on your child and family. Happy Holiday listening and playing ~ Mary

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Ritualizing Morning Mayhem

If I named one stressor that parents of school age children grouse about, it would be “getting everyone out the door on time!” The morning rush during the school year can be exhausting. If you struggle to wake up or jump out of bed ready to conquer the world, only to leave the house frazzled and fuming it’s time to start something new.

Let’s take a look at some rituals and routines that could turn the tide and help you leave the house with a positive outlook feeling more in control.

Getting Enough Sleep

1. Set a reasonable bedtime for both you and your child and stick to it. Lack of sleep causes irritability, moodiness, health problems, and increases stress. Getting to bed on time is something you can control.

2. Wake up a half hour early so you can have some time to yourself. Stretch, do a few minutes of deep breathing, have your coffee or tea. Ease into your day instead of rushing. A slow start will give you more patience to deal with whatever comes your way.

Planning Ahead

1.      Start organizing your morning the night before.

Lay out your children’s clothes, sock and shoes. If your child prefers and it’s not a battle of wills, have her select what she will wear.

2.      Pack a healthy lunch – check out our resource page for some excellent lunch tips by nutritionist Cynthia Lair.

3.      Go through your child’s backpack (or ask depending on your child’s age and organizational skills) and fill out any school forms, permission slips, homework that need to be signed. Place the backpack near the door ready to go in the morning.

4.      Be sure and check in with your child at dinner time about what is coming up at school the next day to prevent any last minute “reminders” that she is suppose to bring 2 dozen pumpkin cookies to school that day.

5.      Set the table, pour cereal in bowls and cover them. Have an easy, nutritious breakfast that you can microwave to save time.

Picture Prompts

1.      Cut pictures from old magazines, family photos, or turn this activity into an art project and create frame-by-frame steps with your child to help her stay focused on the task at hand. For example, you can create a bathroom chart. Pictures of a toilet, washing hands and face or showering, brushing teeth, combing hair, etc. If your child is between 3-6 years old you can add a graph and have them place a gold star under the date when those tasks are completed. Young children love these. If they dawdle you can use a timer and have them beat the clock.

2.      Add an additional step (with a bold arrow pointing to the kitchen) of where to go next after completing bathroom duties.

3.      You can also use a bell or gong to signal it’s time for breakfast. It’s so much more fun than yelling.

Breakfast

1.      Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Make sure you read labels and avoid those sugary cereals. Add fruit, pancakes, cereals, juice to create a good start to your child’s day.

2.      Whip up a fruit smoothie the night before. In the morning add whey protein for a sustaining boost of energy that can last all morning.

3.      Toast with peanut butter, honey, and bananas is another quick and nutritious start to the day.

4.      Sit down and take a breather with your kids. This connection can also help to set the tone of the day for both you and your children.

Moving toward the door

1. If you have a child who is distracted by visual stimuli try putting marching music on and march with her to the front door.

2. Have shoes, boots, coats, backpacks, lunch, etc right near the front door. Hooks at child level and a basket or box for those items your child will be leaving with is very helpful. You could even have a basket for yourself (modeling for your children is such a good idea!)

In the Car

1. Be sure and have books, books on tape, music or if you are wide awake and bursting with energy, sing songs.

2. Talk to your children about the things they see on the way to school or day care. Point out those actions you see others doing that are in line with your values such as someone helping another person, etc.

Realize that rituals are really ways that we comfort ourselves. Children love to know what is coming next in their world. Providing a sense of order helps them feel more secure. Have fun with your morning rituals instead of laying down strict rules. I’ll bet you’ll feel better, get out the door on time and feel more in control.

Write to us at awildride and share what helps to get you out of the house in the morning. See you in the carpool lane ~ Mary

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Moving and Learning

If you are a parent of an unusual learner or of a child who buckles under pressure or is overwhelmed by the complexity of the school day, you probably are busy designing strategies to help your child succeed at school and home. Organizing desks and materials, communicating with your child’s teacher, making sure your child gets enough sleep, and has a nutritious breakfast, are all important elements for learning. You may be thinking, “Yes, yes. I’ve done all of those things, what else is there?” Well, read on. Let’s take a look at some additional strategies that may help your child to focus, decrease her frustrations, and improve her performance.

Movement: Over the past 10 years there has been a huge body of research from neuroscientist examining the link between learning and moving. In her groundbreaking book, Smart Moves, Why Learning Is Not All In Your Head, Carla Hannaford, PhD examines how our bodies play an essential role in our learning. If you have a child who is wiggly, has difficulty focusing, feels frustrated and overwhelmed and struggles in school, then try incorporating these simple exercises at home before your child leaves for school and during homework.

These exercises are based on the Brain Gym Program developed by Paul E. Dennison, PhD and Gail E. Dennison. Check out our resources page for more detailed descriptions.

“Cross Crawl”

This looks like marching (put on some fun, up-beat music and start moving). As you raise your left knee, bring your right arm across your body to meet it. Do the same with your right knee and left arm. You can do this standing, sitting or laying on your back. Try it for at least 2 minutes.

This exercise helps to coordinate left and right brain hemispheres for higher- level reasoning. It’s used for writers block, spelling, reading and comprehension. Try it and see if the ideas begin to flow.

“Hook-Ups”

You can do this either standing or sitting. Cross your right ankle over the left. Then cross your right wrist over the left with the back of the hands facing each other. Interlace the fingers (loosely). Then bend the elbows out and draw your interlaced fists to your sternum and breathe in this position for 2 minutes.

“Hook-Ups” can be used to calm and refocus the mind. A great tool before presenting in front of the class and to improve concentration and test taking.

“Brain Buttons”

Again, you can do this exercise sitting or standing. Spread your hand wide. Place your thumb and middle finger on the indentations right underneath your collarbone on either side of your sternum. Gently rub. Place your other hand over your navel. Hold for 2 minutes.

“Brain Buttons” can help to re-focus and clear your mind by improving blood flow to the brain. It’s used to focus and improve concentration, reading, and writing.

Hydration

Dr. Hannaford repeated recommends drinking water. “Water comprises more of the brain (with estimates of 90%) than of any other organ of the body.” Lubricate those neurons before performing these exercises and throughout the day for optimum brain functioning.

Decrease Screen Time (TV, Computers, video games)

Set rules as to when and how much screen time your child can watch during the school day. Check out the American Academy of Pediatrics website (on our resources page) for tips on managing screen time. AAP recommends no more than 2 hours for children over 2 years old. No screens for children less than 2 years old.

Establish a household rule that the TV set stays off during homework time. Increased television use may lead to decreased school achievement.

Take steps to help alleviate eye fatigue, neck fatigue and brain fatigue while studying. It may be helpful to close the books for a few minutes, stretch, do some “brain gym” exercises, and take a break periodically when it will not be too disruptive.

Do not put a television in your child’s room.

Click on our resources page to find more ideas and tips for a successful school year. Don’t forget to send us what strategies are working for you. We’d love to share your successes with other moms. ~ Mary

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Back-to-School Strategies -- 2008 Update

Talk to your child about school. What is she excited about? Worried about? If your child has anxiety, is slow to adapt or has difficulty with transitions, call the school a week before school starts and set up a time for you and your child to go visit. Walk around to all of the places the student will be during the school day; the cafeteria, bathrooms, art room, music room, home room, playground, etc. Introduce her to the principle and her teacher (s). This preview can work wonders to help decrease your child’s stress.

Do not place outside demands on your slow to adapt child at the beginning of school. She will need all of her energy and resources to deal and adapt to all the stimulation coming her way.

To read more Back-to-School strategies from Mary Scribner, click here.

Adjusting to Temperament

By now summer is in full swing, swimming in the backyard pool, picnics at the park, family vacations, and NO SCHOOL. You’ve worked hard to create a summer routine that is more relaxed but still meets your child’s need for daily structure. You’ve planned ahead for changes in routine and offered guidance and encouragement during unstructured time. You are doing your best to meet your child’s needs.

If you are a parent who values structure and routine and finds planning ahead and being organized are easy for you, then parenting a child who needs structure will seem like second nature. Your personality is more predisposed toward accommodating your child’s need for routine.

But what if you are a parent, who loves spontaneity, loathes routine and has a difficult time getting and staying organized? You know your parenting needs to be molded around your child’s temperament but where do you start?
Let’s begin by taking a look at the 9 temperamental traits from the classic child development research conducted by Doctors Chess and Thomas. Rate each of your child’s traits.

While you’re at it, check out your own as well. Once you understand your child’s temperament you can predict his behavior and develop more effective strategies for guiding it rather than fighting or giving in.

The 9 Temperament Traits

Activity Level (how active the child is generally) Low or High
Distractibility (degree of concentration and paying attention when child is not particularly interested) Low or High
Intensity (how loud the child is) Low or High
Regularity (the predictability of biological functions like appetite and sleep) Regular or Irregular
Sensory threshold (how sensitive the child is to physical stimuli; touch, taste, smell, sound, light) High or Low
Approach/Withdrawal (characteristic responses of a child to a new situation or to strangers) Approach or Withdrawal
Adaptability (how easily the child adapts to transitions and changes like switching to a new activity) Good or Poor
Persistence (stubbornness, inability to give up) Low or High
Mood (tendency to react to the world primarily in a positive or negative way) Positive or Negative

It really doesn’t matter so much if your child has similar or different traits from your own. What does matter is being able to identify the traits that are the hardest for you to cope with. For example, if your child is energetic and intense and you are sensitive to noise and stimulation it is no wonder you get upset when your son is in your face all the time. When you understand your child’s behavioral signals you’ll be more able to prevent potential problems by creating a less stressful environment for her.

But first, what about you?

It’s important to acknowledge your love for your child and let go of your ideal image. Accept her the way she is.
Notice when things are going well between you and your child. How are you responding to her? These are clues that you are meeting her needs.
Recognize your feelings toward your child. If you are feeling isolated and frustrated and unfulfilled as a parent find someone to talk to and discuss these feelings.
If you find yourself overreacting, think about your expectations of yourself, your child and the situation. Are your expectations realistic?
Learn to accept your own limitations and be more tolerant, understanding, patient, and kind with yourself.
Be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Acknowledge you are doing the best you can. And – believe it!

Then:

Consider your child’s point of view or perception when creating strategies to guide her behavior.
Consider environmental factors when your child’s resistance is high. Is the environment too loud? Is her shirt label too scratchy? Is there too much going on in the store?
Think about guiding your child to learn about herself as you offer strategies and coping skills. For example if she is:

Intense, you’ll need to help her learn how to soothe her self.

Sensitive, you can teach her strategies to help her avoid or minimize those factors that trigger her.

Persistent, you can model problem solving and working with other people.

Slow to adapt, you can teach her to strategies to refocus on the next activity.

Observe what situations trigger stress in your child. Are transitions from day care to home extremely difficult for him? Is he slow to adapt to new situations? Does he squirm and struggle when you put a wool sweater on him? Is your child constantly stimulated by his everyday surroundings?
If you know ahead of time what will set your child off you’ll feel better prepared to choose whether to help him work through a difficult situation or to avoid them altogether.
Thinking ahead on what your child needs to be successful in any given situation will drastically reduce the intensity of the tough times, according to parent educator Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child. This approach will also teach your child self-awareness and coping skills so that eventually hewill be able to plan his own strategies for success.

Here is Mary’s four-step process:

Predict the tough spots

Analyze the temperament traits involved

Identify the triggers-what sparks the troublesome behaviors

Develop strategies for success

Mary uses the acronym PAID as a payoff for your efforts.
I’m planning on working on this myself. With a change in routine and more “down” time, summer seems like the perfect opportunity to explore another tool to add to my ever-expanding toolbox. I’m up for feeling the richness of more harmony and satisfaction as my child (and I) navigate those troublesome situations.

We’d love to hear your ideas and strategies. Email mary@awildride.net

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Labels: Strategies to Help Parents Understand Their Child

Many of us experience the extreme heartache and emotional roller coaster that accompany the desperate search to understand our child’s complex, puzzling behaviors. We go from doctor to behavioralist, occupational therapist to neurologist hoping to figure out why our children act like they do and how to best help them. Finally, after our children are scrutinized and their personality is categorized, we emerge with a label-a collection of personality traits that characterize a certain medical or psychological “disorder.” Yikes!

Depending on our situation, we may feel afraid for our child’s future and grieve for the loss that this confirmation brings. For other families labels can provide a sense of relief, hope, and a fresh perspective. Let’s explore some questions together while identifying some strategies and ideas that help expand our view of labeling.

“What does this label mean to my child’s future and that of our family?”

When you first learn that your child has been “labeled,” take a deep breath and remind yourself that this label does not define who your child is.
Don’t get derailed and focus on the negative behavioral characteristics that can come with the label.
Keep a positive vision of your child. Write down his strengths, abilities, and gifts as you investigate and learn more about the description of this label. Return to this list often and keep a positive vision of your child in the foreground.
Consider how this label fits our child and where it does not. Remember your child is unique.
Use the label as just one more piece of the puzzle. View this new information as a tool to provide you with more understanding and compassion as you learn more about your complex child.
Refrain from projecting your thoughts into the future. For example, three-year-old Jason has been aggressive with other kids at his pre-school. Instead of thinking, “Jason’s so mean – he’s going to grow up without any friends,” focus your thoughts on effective coping and problem solving. “Jason’s at a new preschool and seems really stressed. I can talk to the teacher and together we can find ways to help Jason manage his behavior.”
Talk with other parents who have children with similar issues. Find a support group or begin one. Learn how others are coping and what resources are available to you.

“Does this label help my child or limit his potential?

A diagnosis can help to put the puzzle pieces together and finally make sense of your child’s confusing behaviors. Be careful though to not let this label become your child’s identity. Refrain from describing her as the label; “Rachel is bipolar.”
Do not allow this label to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and limit his potential. Use positive language with and about your children, at home, at school conferences, and in social settings. Avoid labels and generalizations and help him to feel stronger, more self assured, and capable.
Reward your child’s accomplishments and focus on his strengths. Don’t focus on the label to explain your child’s abilities and potential. Research shows that children will live up or down to teachers and parents expectations.
Explain to your child that he “may be wired differently, which may make things more difficult for you. You might have to work harder and use different strategies, but I know you can be successful.”
Know and explain to your child that brains can change when you exercise them. As children learn and grow their conditions can change. Stress can make this worse and can improve when your child feels safe and calm.
Praise your child for their effort and hard work - both for their successes and failures.
Keep the vision and attitude that your child can improve.

“Will understanding this label help me be a better parent?”

A label can serve to give you more information and understanding therefore help you to address your child’s needs more effectively. For example, a label of ADHD can offer some explanation of why “my child has such difficulty focusing and is failing in school.”
If you understand your child’s challenges, you can empathize with his difficulties rather than thinking he is acting out on purpose. You can then ask yourself, “What behaviors can I impact?”
Do some investigative work in understanding your child’s behavior. What is motivating his behavior? Look at life through his eyes.

“How will others view my child – through the veil of his label or by his own uniqueness?”

You are your child’s best advocate, but you cannot be strong for him unless you understand him well. Work on connecting with your child on an emotional level. Model being an advocate for him.
Protect your child’s self image. Be careful of “fixing” their identity.
Consider the words that you use to describe your child. Your positive perspective is essential for her sense of well being and self esteem. Model this for his teachers and other adults in his life.
Refrain from categorizing your child’s personality in a negative manner.
Help teachers to look for the correct source of your child’s unique problem and then collaborate with your child’s teacher to work on strategies to correct it.
Labeling can perpetuate the misperception of “disorders” such as ADHD as a problem of personal character. Educate yourself so you understand the basis of the “disorder.” Modeling advocacy for your child will help her learn to advocate for herself.

We’d love to hear from our readers about how labels have hindered or helped them. Email mary@awildride.net and share your stories and strategies.

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How to Hold a Family Meeting

Family meetings help busy families stay connected. Other benefits of this simple tool are improved communication, self-esteem, emotional support and problem solving.

Time Required: about 30 Minutes

Here's How:

1. Parents decide together to begin holding family meetings.

2. Tell children that you will begin holding family meetings to talk about what's going on in everyone's life.

3. Let everyone decide together when and where to hold meetings.

4. Mom, Dad, or care taking adult should be the co-moderators for meetings at the beginning. Share the moderator duties with children as you go along.

5. At the first meeting remind everyone to contribute to the conversation, listen to others, and be supportive not critical.

6. Use the "Go Around" method. Go around the circle giving each family member the opportunity to respond to the topic.

7. Go Around Topic 1 - Something that made you feel good this week.

8. Parents offer praise, encouragement, and support for the good things that each person mentions.

9. Go Around Topic 2 - Something that bothered you this week.

10. Parents listen for and acknowledge the feelings that are expressed, ask open-ended questions to clarify the problem, then brainstorm solutions with the entire family.

11. Go Around Topic 3 - Something that you want to work on or accomplish next week.

12. Parents model making an action plan and help children set a specific goal to continue positive experiences or address problems identified this week.

13. Go Around Topic 4 - Your schedule for the week. What meetings, appointments, tests, special events or projects you have this week.

14. Parents identify any scheduling conflicts and individual responsibilities necessitated by the week's schedule. Plan your week. Teach good time management.

Tips:

1. Set a scheduled time for meetings, post it where everyone will see, and keep the time. If parents are committed to the project, it will have more impact.

2. Make the meetings fun too. Tell a story or a joke, play games, have contests.

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Building a Toolbox of Comfort

Let’s face it; parenting special needs children takes an enormous amount of energy, patience, and resiliency. As moms, we are masters at serving everyone else’s needs ahead of our own. Fatigue from continuous supervision and the heroic attention required to meet everyone’s needs while ignoring our own, can put us at risk for burnout. Research shows that deliberate and regular relaxation can counter the effects of this chronic stress. What would it be like to take care for ourselves first? Would we have more resiliency to care for our children, our families? What would it feel like?

Imagine a toolbox filled with stress relieving ideas, stress busters unique to you, suggestions that will turn down the stress meter whether you have five minutes or thirty. If you haven’t already done so, take this opportunity to begin building your toolbox of comfort. In a matter of weeks you can decrease anxiety and find yourself on an even keel-coping and feeling better.

To get started, intentionally carve out time for yourself everyday. Schedule yourself into your calendar. Consider this time sacred.

BREATHING/RELAXATION TECHNIQUES

Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted for 15-20 minutes. That’s only 15-20 minutes out of 1440 minutes per day. Granted 480 of these minutes you may be sleeping (if you are actually sleeping 8 hours!) Sound do-able? Good. Get out your journal or a piece of paper and write down thoughts, insights, activities that help you to feel relaxed and bring you joy. Below are some simple breathing and relaxation techniques outlined by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D., in her book Self-Nurture. Do any of these resonate with you? If so, add them to your toolbox.

Focus on your breathing to reduce tension, slow abdominal breathing – 8 breaths in – 5 breaths out. The slower you breathe the calmer you will become.
Body Scan – helps to develop awareness of muscle tension from head to toe. By systematically doing a mental check on tense areas of the body you can breathe in awareness and breathe out tension. This is an exercise in mental focusing and breathing.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation – sensing, tensing and relaxing each muscle group from head to toe. More active than the body scan.
Meditation – turn your attention inward and focus on breathing. You can mentally recite a simple word, mantra, phrase, or prayer repeatedly.
Mindfulness – nourishing our capacity to be in the present engendering gratitude. Often eating a piece of chocolate – slowly – noticing every sensation; smells, taste, texture, emotion, etc teach this practice. Now this one is definitely do-able!!
Guided imagery – using your mind to take you to your “special place” where you have felt relaxed, at peace, and comfortable. Use your senses to become totally absorbed in this place.
Autogenic training – verbal suggestions to progressively relax your body.
Yoga – gentle stretching postures. Put in a DVD at home or take a class.
Mini – relaxations – Alice Domar has four different versions that you can do spontaneously (who doesn’t need this!):
- The First version is to simply focus on abdominal breathing.
- Second: Take 10 slow, deep abdominal breathes.
- Third version: Count silently to yourself 1-2-3-4 as you inhale and backwards 4-3-2-1 as you exhale.
- Fourth version: Use any of the aforementioned breathing techniques and pause for a few seconds after each in-breathe and each out-breath.

Any one of these techniques will short circuit your cortizol levels (stress hormones) so you’ll stay in your thinking brain and not sink into the fight or flight response where we can say things we wish we hadn’t.

STRESS BUSTERS

In addition to breathing and relaxation techniques, it is equally important to fill your toolbox with stress busters that are uniquely yours. Think about your strengths, what makes you smile, what helps you to feel good, what do you love doing? Write these down in a brainstorming session. Don’t edit – give yourself permission to just create. Talk to your friends and your support group to get more ideas. Here’s a few suggestions to get the juices flowing:

Listening to music, singing, licking an ice cream cone, indulging in a hot fudge sundae, laughing with your girlfriends, snuggling with your kitty, long-hot baths, smelling fragrant flowers, sitting in the sunshine, or reading a magazine.
Affirmations. For example, look in the mirror and say, “I know I can do this.” Or simply, “I love you.”
Prayer. Something that is meaningful to you.
Reading or writing poetry
Gratitude Journal. Writing down all of those things that you appreciate about yourself everyday.
HeartMath – biofeedback training software that helps to make you aware of when you are in “coherence,” a balance of your autonomic and sympathetic nervous system. Look for their website in our resources section.
List and eliminate those things that drain you.

Now, everyday during your scheduled time choose one or more of your ideas from your toolbox. Commit to doing something everyday. Relax while you feed your soul.

POSITIVE THOUGHTS

If you have mental tapes that re-run ad nauseam in your head, try Cognitive Restructuring and put an end to those automatic negative thoughts. This technique uses logic to test those nagging unproductive mind games. Ask yourself:

Does this thought contribute to my stress?

Where did I learn this thought?

Is this a logical thought?

Is this thought true?

Once you’ve uncovered the truth, you can counter an old negative thought with one actually based in reality. Repeat this new thought whenever the old one arises.

For example: A reoccurring thought may be, “I am not doing enough for my child.”

Replace with:

“Yes. This thought contributes greatly to my stress. I’m never relaxed because I’m always thinking about what I’ve missed in order to help her.”

“I learned this thought because I’m so afraid that I will have missed some prime developmental window of opportunity.”

“Actually when I focus on whether this thought is true or not I’m flooded with reminders of all of the research I’ve done and opportunities I’ve provided in the past and will continue to provide for my daughter in the future. “

OR

“I guess it is time to practice loving kindness and compassion for myself rather than beating myself up. I’m doing the best I can right now.”

For your own sanity, think ahead toward summer vacation. Creating some down time for yourself while your child attends a camp or other activity can be a win-win for everyone. Check out SUMMER VACATION…HELP!!! in our Strategies section for some ideas. Look more ideas from Karen Alaniz coming in April. For now, fill up that parenting toolbox and let us know how it is working. ~Mary

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Releasing Expectations: Erica’s story

Erica’s story, Expectations, opens with a powerful and insightful proclamation:

Expect nothing and parenting gets that much easier.

I’m going enlarge these words and post them on the frig, reminding me to ease my own parenting expectations.

Another line that hits me right between the eyes is:

In a release of all expectations, two lives were born.

Wow! Erica’s sobering story is heartbreaking yet full of strength and resiliency. Something we all need everyday but especially when life throws us curve balls.

Erica embedded clear-headed wisdom in her words. The gift that comes from seeing the inside of night turn back to day. The messages that I gleaned from reading this story while applying to my own expectations have to do with; finding, recognizing, and appreciating humor, the strength of love, the value in recognizing and embracing our children’s individual gifts and strengths, being able to appreciate having a “normal” experience along side a different experience, surrendering to what is rather than what you wish it was or could be, working through the stages of loss and getting to acceptance.

Questions to ponder: How do you surrender and let go of expectations when they are not being met?

How do you quickly and tenderly put those dreams to bed?

How do you re-shape your life and accept the new normal?

What do your new dreams look like?

Thank you Erica for offering this heartfelt story and reminding me life continues to take courage and strength. That we can deal with whatever hand we’re dealt with and in turn learn the gifts of strength, resiliency, humor, and love by keeping an open heart.

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How Can I Help my Child Fit In?

Remember last month’s story, Beyond the Schoolhouse Doors: Fostering a Community of Support from our regular contributor Karen L. Alaniz? If you haven’t had a chance to do so, I recommend that you check it out. It has some great ideas and strategies that will surely work for many families. Some readers may even experience an “ah-ha” spurring them on to plan ways to guide their own child toward social inclusion. Parents who have felt the pain of witnessing their child sit on the sidelines of friendship can feel enormous relief and joy once their child learns the skills required to get along with others.

But what about the child who is so overwhelmed at birthday parties that he becomes disruptive and is never invited to another party? Or the child who hides and isolates himself because the noise, smells, and activities are more than he can stand? How is he included? What about the child who has poor communication or social skills and feels socially rejected, teased or ignored by other children? Or the child who thinks that he cannot succeed in normal ways so he becomes destructive, aggressive, and engages in bothersome behaviors? How does this child learn to fit in?

How can any of these children have fun and feel included too?

Clearly these children need assistance in order to fit in. They need guidance to take tiny baby steps toward eventual independence and success. As parents, we can help children build skills while learning to adapt and accommodate to the group.

Here are a few of my suggestions for helping a child who “doesn’t fit in.”

It may be that your child is lacking social graces and is scaring kids off by not recognizing when it’s someone else’s turn, is intrusive, or sometimes even physically aggressive. These children need to learn what affect they have on others without shaming them.
Help them understand themselves – brainstorm what situations they are triggered by. Don’t forget to balance this list with areas they feel successful in. Talk about using their strengths as a strategy to get along with others. Example: Finding a friend that you have something in common with.
Help them identify and respect boundaries (their own and others.)
Talk about the concept of a body bubble with them. Check out our Sept 2007 Strategies on Friendship.
Teach your child about the appropriate way to join a group: STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN before stepping or rushing into a group. Teach them with words as well as actively model how you enter a group effectively.
Teach them where their body, hands and feet are in relationship to others so they begin to understand about personal space.
Be more direct and instructive. “Billy, when you ran up to Jeff and gave him a big hug hello he pulled away and looked scared. I think he was frightened by your big hug. I know you don’t want him to feel afraid of you.”
Encourage awareness of other’s feelings. “How do you think Jeff felt when you threw your arms around him?” and “I wonder how Sally felt when you said that?”
The child who has sensory integration issues needs understanding and accommodations. A younger child may need you to prepare her by role-playing scenarios.
If you attend the party with your child – teach her nonverbal signals (a wink or a touch on the arm, etc) that alert you when she is feeling overwhelmed.
Identify a “safe” place (going to the bathroom, a bedroom, outside) -away from the activity when the stimulus is too much. Encourage her to use it to de-stress.
Older children will appreciate your guidance. Help them identify stimulus and problem solve appropriate ways to handle it.
If your intention is for her to be accepted by other kids and feel successful, she may still need you close by.
Be the den mother, car pool driver, swimming instructor, or soccer coach. Invite kids over to your house to make cookies together. Do an activity that your child feels adept at so she is not stressed by trying something new and can focus on having fun. Involve your child in ways that she can interact with others while having fun. Your child only needs one other kid to feel that she belongs.
Invite some other kids over for a structured activity; an arts and crafts party, making ice cream sundaes, relay races, and trip to the playground, bowling, miniature golf, or movie. You know when your child is getting tired. A good rule of thumb is no longer than 2 hours. You want this to end on a positive note.
If your child is older and still needs a “spotter,” ask a high school friend to get involved at the party. His job will mainly be to help your child smooth out his rough social edges. He can make it less obvious by being part of the festivities as well.
The mom in Karen’s story alluded to the possibility that people are afraid of people with disabilities. How can you address the unspoken, perhaps even unrecognized fears of other parents? How can you help them understand that your child’s behavior is a reaction to stimuli he cannot control?
As Karen suggested to the parents in her story, write a letter to parents telling them briefly about your child’s challenges and what will work to help him be more successful.

For an in-depth description of strategies and to help your child get along with others, check out Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book, Raising Your Spirited Child.

~Mary

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Expectations – The Gateway to Disappointment

How many times in your life have you eagerly looked forward to something, only to feel disappointed when it did not meet your expectations? After the initial let down, were you able to reflect on what you felt was certain to happen, dreamed of, hoped for, wanted, or needed? Could you identify how some unattainable standard or unrealistic expectation triggered your feelings? As white-knuckled parents – exhausted, frustrated, and isolated – it’s easy to succumb to the “should, could and must” assumptions about what our children and we are capable of. If you are a parent who expects way too much of herself, it’s time for a realistic look at your expectations and a healthy dose of self compassion. Check out these ideas and strategies to find ways to ease up on yourself before the next time you step across the threshold of disappointment.

Acknowledging Strategies

Start a list of appreciations for yourself, for example, “I appreciate that I stayed calm in the midst of chaos today” and your child, “I appreciate how much tenderness Sara showed her kitty today.”
Change your perspective by saying and showing how much you appreciate your child.
Monitor your self talk – be kind and compassionate. Give yourself a break!
Let go of self-critical thinking. Mantra: “My child’s misbehavior is probably less of a reflection of my parenting and more the fact that all children test the limits of their environment.”
Use "I" messages; “I feel frustrated,” rather than, “you frustrate me.”
Observe and acknowledge your feelings when your child’s challenging behaviors trigger your "Oh where is my dream child” lament.
Accept and love the child you have vs. the child you wished for.
Adjust your attitude toward your child’s behavior to help him have a more positive self-image.
Make a list of your child’s characteristics or behaviors that are the most difficult to accept. Then rename these characteristics in a more positive way. Example: Is your child "demanding?” Instead, realize that she "holds high standards" for herself. Is your child “wild” Try renaming her behavior “energetic.”

Strategies of Acceptance

Learn to accept unpredictability and mistakes as a natural, universal part of life.
If you have negative labels for yourself or your child lurking in your mind, commit to shifting to positive thoughts. Focus on your and your child’s strengths.
Believe in yourself and your child. Know that you both are doing the best you can right now.
Project a positive outlook for the future. “I know we will get through this in a positive way.”
Let go of expectations that are unfair to you and your child.
Develop empathy and understanding by seeing the world through your child's eyes.

Thriving Strategies

Avoid power struggles between you and your child.
Set flexible standards for yourself – throw “should” and “must” out of your vocabulary.
Reframe negative statements such as “I can never get my shopping done” to “I can shop when Sara’s Dad is home with her this evening.”
Model coping well and problem solving out loud by sharing your positive thinking with your children.

Do you have more ideas or strategies? Send what’s working for you so other parents can try something new. E-mail mary@awildride.net

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Gifts of the Season

The holiday season has arrived. Advertisers and department stores are solicit our children with seductive messages everywhere. BUY ME! Advertising and the hub-bub around the holidays builds expectations – sometimes unrealistic ones.

If gifts and experiences don’t live up to what our intense children expect. They may feel extremely letdown or even explosive. Their emotional can trigger misunderstood behaviors, such as appearing ungrateful if disappointed, angry if surprised, or spoiled if not polite.

Since gifts are often emotional snags for our intense, sensitive, slow to adapt children, they need our help to navigate the holiday hot spots by setting realistic expectations.

How can we help them handle gift giving and receiving gracefully?

Gift Giving

Start with YOU. Give YOURSELF the gift of support. Find people in your life who will listen and not judge you. Take good care of yourself.
Give your child the gift of nurturing support.
- Touch them lovingly (hugs and kisses).
- Give your child treats and privileges.
- Tell your child she is loved and lovable.
- Listen carefully and talk gently to your child.
- Help your child in whatever way possible.
Announce to your family that you choose to bring more celebration into your lives. Model gift giving as an expression of emotional love (but not a substitute for it).
Model and teach your children to enjoy the ordinary things of life – eating, sleeping, music, art, interacting with the outdoors.
Give your children the gift of your time, your respect, your presence.
As your child becomes older, consider giving treasured gifts – something that holds special significance to the parent. In times of emotional upheaval, these gifts can be reminders to children that you genuinely love them.
Offer your children the gift of a memorable experience – plan an event with your kids taking the lead, spend some time in nature or make family crafts together.
Buy gifts that encourage the kind of behavior you want. Don’t give your child some battery-operated toy that drives you crazy and stimulates their already over-the-top activity level.
Give gifts that encourage children to use their imagination – a dress-up box, blocks, Legos, music and story tapes, paints, play houses, etc.
During a gift exchange, give a “job” to your intense child. Talk to him ahead of time about his “job” and how much he is contributing. Help him select and hand gifts to the recipient and collect and discard wrapping paper and ribbon.
Praise her when she handles herself well – hugs grandma, waits patiently, doesn't lose her temper if she doesn't like a gift, etc.

Receiving Gifts

Help your daughter deal with intense disappointment or surprise in front of others by preparing her as much as you can. Parent educator, Mary Kurchinka suggests you play the “what-if” game. In advance of a likely trigger situation, brainstorm and problem solve possible strategies with your child: Ask: “What if you feel like crying in front of grandma or your cousins?” Or: “What if you are feeling disappointed when you receive a gift you do not want or like?”
Help your analytical child to avoid embarrassment by teaching them respectful words to use when receiving gifts. “Thank you, Aunt Beth. This is one of my favorite colors.” Give him guidelines and practice with him.
Have your child make a “wish list” and star or prioritize the gifts that are most important. Remind her that she may not get everything on the list, create a gift-buying guide for friends and relatives.
Consider opening a few gifts early if your intense child can’t wait. We used to stretch out our gift exchanges and begin opening presents (one each day) three days before the holiday. This helped to diffuse our son’s intensity and saved our sanity.

Defuse Commercialism or Where’s the Meaning?

Choose your holiday traditions wisely. Slow down. Don’t try to do too much. Create rituals that work for your child’s temperament and resiliency and are meaningful to your family.
Deal with your own expectations and activity level so that your sensitive child does not pick up on your stress. If your child is misbehaving and melting down, this is a signal for you to simplify.
Model the importance of nurturing your extended family, neighbors, and community. Establish a tradition with your child of baking and delivering cookies to neighbors or preparing food baskets for the needy..

Above all, remember the most important gift of all is a loving, respectful relationship with your child. It’s a gift that keeps on giving for as long as you live.

We’d love to hear your ideas and strategies. Email to mary@awildride.net

Hope you have a happy, stress-free holiday season!

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Feel Successful Before, During and After Parent Teacher Conferences

If you are parenting a child who does not fit into the mainstream mold, or has learning and/or behavioral challenges, you may feel more than a little nervous preparing for your parent teacher conference. Are you concerned you may hear surprising information that you weren't expecting? When that happens, it can send parents into an emotional spiral of confusion and worry.

Rachel Eden, an educator and parent coach with SoundParent, has some suggestions aimed at quieting your anxiety, focusing your direction, and empowering you as you continue to be your child’s best advocate.

Before talking to your child’s teacher

Before the conference, take some time to discover or re-connect with your child's strengths. Become reacquainted with your child’s abilities, patterns, behaviors, and needs – keeping in mind that your ultimate goal is to explore what is working and help sustain it. This exercise will help you regain the confidence that comes from knowing your child better than anyone else. Ask yourself these questions:

What do I appreciate about my child? What are her strengths?
What is my child curious about? How does she show her curiosity? What kinds of questions does she ask?
When my child has persevered with a challenging task, what qualities and skills did she use?
Does my child need breaks from periods of concentration? What does she do to let off steam so she can be productive when she returns to the task?
Think about a time when your child was focused. Ask, what did I notice and appreciate most about my child at the time?
What do I appreciate about my child’s listening skills?
Talk with your child about a time she recently participated in class. What did she enjoy about that participation? How was she treated when she participated? Does she have any ideas about how she can participate in new ways that she didn’t find enjoyable before?

Once you have regained a deep appreciation for and understanding of your child, you can have a productive discussion with her teacher(s) to better understand her perspective and share your own. Try to begin your conversation from a place of mutual trust.

During the Conference

Approach the teacher(s) knowing that she is a central part of your child’s learning team. Make sure your tone remains upbeat and not threatening throughout the conference. You may discover that you don’t agree with the assessment tool or strategy being used, but it is important that you trust the intent of the school staff working with your child.

Understanding report cards

As a first step to interpreting your child's report card, ask questions like:

What kinds of assessment tools did you use? Are they primarily quantitative (tests) or qualitative measures such as anecdotal notes and observations, evaluation of student-selected projects, writing samples, or class discussions?
When does my child maintain her effort in class? How do you encourage and reinforce this?
When is my child focused? What kinds of activities engage her?

The answers to these questions will give you an idea of how your child's teacher perceives her and evaluates her skills. This is an opportunity to identify the common ground you and the teacher share and clear up any misconceptions about your child or one another.

By identifying what you know your student does well, and what works well in the classroom setting, you and her teacher can together expand that common ground to build on your child's strengths while tackling challenging areas.

You may even want to take this a step further and describe what you think is the ideal school experience for your child – one that is aligned with your experience with her and what you've learned from parenting her. Plan with the teacher how together you can co-construct this ideal environment for your child – what can each of you do to make it a reality? This will involve developing an active at-home plan to support your child in her classroom work.

After the conference

Come away from the conference with new information and commitments:

Remember the strengths and interests your child’s teacher pointed out and build on them. You can use these interests as a path to motivate success for your child.

Keep the lines of communication open between you and your child’s teacher. If your child is struggling, ask the teacher to inform you right away so you can all work together to address the difficulty before it gets out of hand.

Record in writing the strategies the teacher will try and what you, as parents, commit to. Be clear on the identified outcome you all want.

If, after true effort, these strategies and classroom changes don't work, consider requesting that your child be tested (either by the school or privately). She may qualify for a 504 plan (provides adaptations for your child in the regular classroom) or an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan).

Helping your child find school success can be very challenging. And a -parent-school partnership can go a long way. Good luck!

We’d love to hear from you! Send the suggestions, ideas, and strategies that have worked for you during parent/teacher conferences to mary@awildride.net.

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Sleep Strategies: Helping your children get the rest they need

Sleep. We all need it. If we don’t get enough, our minds fill with fog, our mood deteriorates and we succumb to a crippling case of battle fatigue.

Any parent who has experienced sleep deprivation, and seen its negative effects on our children, knows that adequate, sound sleep is a key to better behavior. Parents will do anything to get their children to sleep. Who hasn’t driven their baby around town at all hours, praying that their screaming, overtired infant will fall asleep and the alarm bells will stop going off in their head. Or impatiently re-read The Little Mermaid, hoping the repetition will lull her into sleep. You know your brain has shut down. Why hasn’t hers?!

Let’s look at some practical strategies to help you get the sleep you and your family need.

First Line Practical Suggestions

If you haven’t already, establish regular going-to-sleep and waking-up times to help your child (and you) develop a regular sleep cycle. Stick to it, even during vacations and holidays if possible. It is much easier on everyone to stay with a routine. Get plenty of exercise, but not during the three hours directly before bedtime.
Establish a pleasant and relaxing bedtime ritual/routine – warm bath, reading books, etc. Allow enough time so you don’t feel rushed and you can enjoy being with your child. Often, children are more open to talking about their day right before bed. Cherish this opportunity for sharing and feeling close.

Be consistent. Your child will know that it's time to change into his pajamas, brush his teeth, read a book, and go to bed.
Establish a special reading time with your child. Let her know when the time is almost up ("I have one more page to read, so get those sleepy eyes ready for lights out") so she’ll know exactly what is going to happen.
Help your child relax his body before bed. Bring him (and you) into a state of tranquility to help ease the transition to sleep. Massage his back if he likes to be touched.

Remove the TV from your child's bedroom. Even if you encounter protests. Depending on the content, television can activate the brain rather than have a calming effect.
Use white noise in the background: a fan, favorite musical recording, white noise machine – ocean waves, wind, etc.

Look more closely

For this discussion, let's define sleep problems as those patterns that cause you and/or your child problems. If your child is having such problems, you may want to explore setting up new schedules, routines, and ways of handling these issues. There are many resources to help you identify and work with the problem. Families are complex and solutions differ considerably from one to the other. If you are at the “end of your rope,” talk to your health care provider and get some help! Here are a few sleep strategies to get you started.

Look at whether your child is getting enough sleep or needs more. These are the average sleep needs for each age group:

Developmental Age	Chronological Age	Hours of Sleep Needed
Infant	0-12 months	14 - 18
Toddler (including nap)	13-36 months	13
Preschooler (including nap)	37-60 months	12
School age	6-12 years	10-11
Adolescent	13-19 years	9.25
Adult	20+ years	8.25

Become aware of the things during the day that may be disrupting your child’s internal sleep/wake rhythms:

Coke or other caffeinated drinks at lunch, during the afternoon or evening.
Waiting up for a parent so she can spend time with them.
Physically active play or rough housing before bed.
Taking a late nap or skipping it entirely.
Watching TV or playing on the computer right before bed.
Irregular meal and snack times.

Check out what may be stimulating your sensitive child to stay awake:

o Touch of blankets.

o Room temperature.

o Environmental noise.

o Irritating pajama material or neck tags.

o Visual clutter.

Another child may need tactile stimulation to help her sleep:

o The feel of cool air from a fan across her face.

o Heavy pressure of thick blankets.

o Body pillows to cuddle with.

o Large stuffed animals.

o Blankets tucked in tight.

De-condition your child’s brain from thinking that bed is used for fun/stimulating activities. Make his bed a cozy place for sleeping.
Set limits if your toddler keeps getting out of bed, or wants a glass of water or another kiss, over and over.
Make sure you have, and keep to, a consistent routine for your child. Check out the chapter on “setting limits at night,” in Richard Ferber’s book; Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems.

If your child exhibits any of the following, she may need an evaluation by a children's sleep specialist:

Does not respond to consistently applied sleep strategies.
Snores.
Is frequently aroused from sleep.
Thrashes and kicks during sleep.

For much more in-depth information on sleep, check out the University of Michigan’s Health System website. It has loads of helpful information. Also take a look at our Resources page.

I wish you all sleep-filled nights and pleasant dreams! ~ Mary

We’d love to hear from you! Send your tried and true sleep strategies to help other parents get their well-deserved sleep to mary@awildride.net. Thanks.

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FRIENDSHIP STRATEGIES

If your child has behavioral, emotional or social challenges, she may have trouble making and keeping friends. These challenges often range from misreading social cues, mishearing a communication, interrupting, answering out of turn, abruptly changing the subject, misreading a person's tone, or intruding into another child's space.

Getting along with others is a life-long skill that affects one's self esteem, school experiences and work performance. Let’s explore some strategies that you can use as parents to help your child(ren) work on making and keeping friends.

Preschoolers

Children start learning how to interact with others before they even begin school. It may be difficult for young spirited children – easily excited and easily overwhelmed – to really know how to be a friend. They may be intrusive, bestowing unwanted hugs and kisses upon the other kids, try to be the boss, or just sit and watch their playmate. Here are a few tips to help them get along:

Make sure your child's play dates are short, about 1-1 1/2 hours.
As much as possible, actively supervise – involve yourself in your own activity while staying in the same room. Encourage cooperation between playmates.
Listen in with a baby monitor so you can short circuit any conflicts that could quickly turn sour.

Other sage advice for parents of preschoolers

Dr. Linda S. Budd, in her parenting book called, Living with the Active Alert Child, share's some useful strategies:

To teach your child about her own and other’s personal space, teach her the concept of the protective body bubble: “I ask children to picture people inside bubbles. I ask them what happens when you touch a bubble. It breaks! Then I explain that a person whose bubble breaks feels uncomfortable and often angry with the person who broke it. The person who is now without a bubble feels unsafe and may push others away so that he can create another [body bubble]. By using the bubble analogy, I help children learn to recognize when they are intruding.”
Teach your child about “monkey energy” so she understands, “that she is in charge of her energy and can make choices about what to do with it. Teach your child to stop and think about different ways to use her energy and explain to her the consequences of intruding.”

Managing conflict between young children

If your child and a playmate are angry and upset, have them cool off before talking it through.
You may need to sit with the child who is most upset. Let her self soothe (calm herself down) and know that you are there for her.
You’ll know when the children are ready to talk about the situation when you observe more relaxed body posture and quieter voices.
Kneel at eye level with your arm around each child. Try very hard to eliminate blame from the process by helping them understand and resolve their conflict.
Coach the children to speak in turn with each other.
Tell them what you saw happen between them. Ask if that is what happened, reminding them that they need to use their words. Encourage phrases like “When I saw you …. “When you did that I …."
Ask or guess what each child is feeling in relation to the action that caused the conflict. Then check it out, “Did you feel…. Sad?.., mad?.... frustrated?.... or……?”
Check out their needs. They may not be able to tell you, so a little coaching helps, “Are you needing……?” "Do you want …?."
Help them come to closure by stating a request of one another. “When I am … I would like you to ….”

School-age children

Some children don't seem to have trouble meeting new friends, but keeping them is a significant problem. They are unable to take turns or handle conflict and always want to be in the driver’s seat. Some ways you might help them:

Talk with your child about these issues in a nonjudgmental way, without casting shame or guilt.
Share with them your own stories of friendship challenges when you were growing up.
Show empathy and understanding when she shares her difficulties with you.
Discuss how her behavior affects other kids and her friendships with them.
Help her identify goals to work on, one at a time, such as learning how to:
- Make friends
- Keep friends
- Join ongoing activities
- Give compliments
- Have more fun with other kids and parents
- Manage her anger
Once your child has an identified goal, discuss and help her work on this list of friendship building skills:

Listening and responding

Showing interest in others

Greeting others

Understanding her own and other kids' body language and tone of voice

Being aware of and respecting personal space

Refraining from inappropriate touching

Sharing and cooperating

Ignoring teasing

Pretend you are another child and role play conversations with your child. Help them with greetings and looking for cues for common ground, like favorite books, sports, dancing lessons, hiking. Show them how these common interests can spark conversations.
Role play positive social skills such as, not interrupting, asking questions, and showing interest by mentioning things that they have talked about before, and making eye contact.

During this learning phase (which can indeed feel endless), remind your child of positive friendships she has had in the past and has now. Help her understand what makes those friendships so nice for all the children involved. Reinforce her contribution to making them work.

Learning how to be a good friend and positively and collaboratively interact with others is a lifelong process. The more positive reinforcement you can give your child now, the better! ~Mary

Send your friendship stories and strategies to mary@awildride.net. Our readers love hearing from one another.

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BACK TO SCHOOL STRATEGIES

It's almost that time again. The beginning of the school year! And the anticipation (and sometimes fear) of new beginnings. Returning to school after a busy summer can be difficult for any child.

For many challenging children, the return to school means schedules and routines are changing again. They must adjust to waking up earlier, confronting the stress of homework, and getting to know new teachers (and sometimes new classmates). Anticipating this change may feel daunting and overwhelming, as well as exciting and joyful, as kids anticipate reuniting with old friends and after-school activities.

Regardless of your children’s feelings about returning to school, it is prudent to help them adjust to new schedules as early as possible.

Here are some tips to help guide them toward a successful school year.

Starting school or going to a new school

Finding the right school for your child may seem like a lot of work up front, but will pay off tremendously throughout the year.

In Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka shares the following ideas to help you explore finding the “right fit” for your young child:

If you have school choices, attend classrooms and observe a child who has a similar temperament and learning style as your own child. (This is best done in the spring, but anytime you are looking at a new school in session will do.)

Observe how this child uses the materials. How she responds to the instructions and rules. Does she seem to fit in? Is she happy and excited to learn?
Listen to what she says to the teacher and how the teacher responds. Do they appear to be comfortable with one another or are they afraid of each other?
Do the other kids seem to appreciate one another? Do you think it seems possible for each child to be successful? Is each individual treasured by the adults around them?

Transitioning out of summer mode into school mode

If your child has difficulty with transitions or is slow to adapt to change, begin an earlier bedtime and wake-up routine a few weeks before school starts. At least one week before, have your child go to bed and get up at the actual time school will be starting. This will help her begin – and get used to – a predictable routine before that first day of school. This should also help her nervous system adapt to the new schedule.|
If your child is younger and new to riding the school bus here are a few strategies you can try.
- Call your school district and arrange a bus tour before school begins.
- Arrange to have an older child in the neighborhood be her bus buddy.
- Form a small car pool if buses are too over-stimulating or overwhelming for her. A stressful start to the school day can mean a difficult time until that last bell rings.

Limit your child's TV watching so it doesn't compete with homework.
Shop for new school clothes and school supplies early to beat the crowds, minimize chaos, and alleviate sensory overload. Make this a fun adventure. If you child HATES to shop for clothes, plan ahead and couple the "dreaded" chore with a fun activity for when you are finished. Or, shop for your child.

Designate or design a study/homework area. Have your child take ownership of this and pick out supplies that she likes. Help her organize her desk with things she will need (pencil sharpener, pencils, eraser, pens, paper, calendar–organizer, scissors, tape, etc.) Have your child keep this area organized and have her use it only for homework. For more information on homework and study skills go to Helping Your Child with Organization and Study Skills on the LD Online site.
If your child is in counseling – think ahead and schedule appointments outside of school hours, if possible. This makes it less intrusive on her day and alleviates any "make up" work.

Make the rest of the summer memorable and fun so your child starts school refreshed with memories she can draw on during the school year.

Plan for success

If your child had a stormy year last school year and did not get the support she needed, give her a leg up this year by setting the stage for success.

Talk with the principle. Meet with the assumption that schools and principles want to work with you and find the right student/teacher fit for your child.

Meet with your child’s teachers as early into the school year as you can, even the end of summer is not too early.
Offer guidance to your child’s teacher(s) regarding your child’s temperament, strengths, and weaknesses and other information that would be helpful. Give tips on what has worked in previous classrooms.
Set up a system of communication with the teacher(s) regarding homework, projects, behavior, etc. Have her alert you of any early sign that your child is having difficulty. Work together as a team.

If there are indications that your child continues to have difficulty, begin to explore what the key to success is by understanding your child’s learning needs.
- Check out Mel Levine’s book, A Mind at a Time, to help you understand your child’s learning patterns.
- Read Brock and Fernette Eide’s book, The Mislabeled Child, to help demystify behavior that relating to learning issues.
- Less academic, but equally as informative, is Cynthia Ulrich Tobias’s book Every Child Can Succeed. This book will help you learn how your child receives, processes, and responds to information, helping you to make home and school more pleasant and productive places.

What if my child has learning needs not met in a regular classroom?

If your child has been struggling in school, has been performing inconsistently, has fallen behind, is overwhelmed, overly anxious or unable to do her work without falling apart, getting angry, or giving up altogether, she’ll need you to advocate on her behalf. If the other areas of her life are in order, she may have learning challenges that require some accommodation in order for her to be successful in the classroom.

Introduce yourself to the school counselor and explain the kind of support your child may need this year.
Ask about academic and/or behavioral support.
Does your child need testing to see if she qualifies for more support? You may have to go to bat for your child and persuade the school to test her.
Your child may need more testing than the school offers to get a comprehensive profile on her needs. Check with an independent psychologist who does neurodevelopment profiling. Go to Island Educational Psychology for information on testing.
Know your rights. Contact your state’s special education department at the superintendent of public instruction's office and ask for a copy of its guide to special education services. (In Washington State, for example, it is called Family/Educators Guide to Washington’s Special Education Services.) This will lay out state and federal guidelines, rules and regulations regarding special education services.

You are your child’s best advocate! Become as knowledgeable as you can about your child’s behavioral and emotional challenges and learning needs and get the support you need to help her be successful.

Write to us and share ideas with our readers on what has helped your child in school and why – since all children are different – you think it helped. ~Mary

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How’s your summer going? – Vacation & Travel strategies

I’m a mom on a mission to clearly understand what triggers my son’s explosions. I am constantly searching (both my brain and other people’s) for effective strategies that will derail the chaos and prevent his inevitable meltdowns. While I am keenly aware of my child’s need for control and predictability, I cannot always manipulate his world to accommodate him. When life intervenes and the sought after predictability goes out the window, I want to be prepared. My desire is to have humor and creative wit in one hand, calming confidence in the other, and the advice of my support group in surround sound.

When I stumble upon an effective strategy that has worked well, I write it down. I fear that if I don’t, it will go out the window when I’m under duress, along with my higher self! In my support group, we often share insights and strategies with each other that might make life a little easier and that help us learn and grow as parents and people. Here, on these pages, I offer you the same opportunity to share your insights, your ideas, and your strategies. Let’s learn from each other and grow together. - Mary

Hundreds of families will be taking vacations this summer, traveling far from home. For many family members, seeing new sights, visiting extended family and friends, and exploring beyond their front door can feel exhilarating and exciting. For others, stepping into any unknown place or situation can feel overwhelming and threatening. Children who have sensory processing problems (oversensitive or under sensitive to touch, movement, sights, sounds, smells, and body movement), behavior or developmental issues can have difficulty traveling. Often these children may express their discomfort by feeling easily frustrated and acting resistant, inflexible, demanding, moody, etc. What’s a parent to do!??

Can we really have fun?

Vacation travel can feel like a long awaited, hard-earned reprieve from everyday demands. Expectations can be high. “We’re going to have a good time, damn it!!”

Good times and a successful vacation are possible especially if you approach planning mindfully. Understand that children express their needs through their behaviors. When you adapt your plans by taking into account your children’s development, temperament, and realistic abilities, you are helping them to cope as best they can and setting the stage for a more enjoyable time for all.

Check out these travel ideas and strategies. ~Mary

Family reunions/visiting family and friends

If you have young children, are staying overnight, and your child’s coping skills might be tested, you may talk to your family/friends about coping strategies that work for your child.
Remind them that your child is learning to adapt to new situations. If they can respectfully allow him to practice; e.g., learning about personal boundaries, handling his feelings, or dealing with transitions, etc) it will give him the skills he needs to be successful.
You may want to keep the interactions short and successful rather than long and dreadful. Example: If Sally is beginning to argue with her cousins after spending the last 3 hours playing nicely, it probably is time to leave.
Watch for signs of over stimulation in your child. Plan an exit strategy before you arrive in case the situation is just too overwhelming.
Hopefully, older children will be more capable of managing their temperament and handling more challenging situations.
Remember, your child will, over time, mature!

Preparing for travel

Show your child pictures of where you’ll be staying and who you’ll be staying with. Talk about the things you’ll do and see.
Check out library books that describe the new places you’ll be seeing. Include children’s books on traveling by plane, train, etc.
Consider helping your slow-to-adapt child succeed by staying in one place, if possible, and enjoying those surroundings. For example, rent a cottage for a week or two so you minimize changes and new experiences don’t come at him too fast. Or move no more than every 3-4 days to keep change at a minimum. Being by a lake or a pool may be a good way to keep your child happy for hours.
Camping is another nice family adventure and is a low-cost way to settle in and have some fun.

Plan Flexibility into your trip

If you are at a theme park – spend one day there and the next at the pool.
Give your overwhelmed child the break he needs.

Transportation

Give each child their own backpack with favorite books, Play-Doh, Silly Putty, cards, puzzles, tape recorder and books on tape.
Have small surprises available when other things have worn out.

Prepare for success

These strategies for traveling by car have been adapted from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book, Raising Your Spirited Child. Might be worth a try.

Set up a reward system for good behavior. You can use an egg timer and a bunch of poker chips. Tell kids, for every 15 minutes they play quietly and stay in their seat belts, and don’t fight or fuss, they get a poker chip. When they have four chips they can turn them in for a dollar. You can also be creative and have them turn them in for a small toy, book, etc.

This strategy can set a tone of cooperation. It focuses on good behavior rather than bad behavior and helps create a positive incentive.

Take breaks; stop every one-to-two hours to run around.

Take a picnic lunch. Bring balls to throw and kick

Play a few games – who can find a four-leaf clover in the grass?

Build a survival box or bucket for the car with paper, crayons, markers, books and simple games. Give them each a lap table to use. You can make a simple play table by cutting a cardboard box so it fits across their laps.
Plan car activities

Sing songs
Play games
Play story tapes, like those by Jim Weiss

Plan for re-entry: help your child transition back to his normal routine when you get home.

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD(REN)?

Share with other readers what has worked to make your family vacation successful and enjoyable. Send your ideas to mary@awildride.net. Thanks and Happy Trails!

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Summer Vacation…..Help!!!

What we call summer “vacation” is right around the corner. If you’re like most parents with challenging children, “free” time for your child is a mixed blessing. Yes, it is a relief to stop badgering Bonnie to start her homework or endlessly encouraging Ethan to stop agonizing over his school performance. It’s time for a break – for everyone.

Though this easing up of school pressure seems like a lighter load, lack of structure, routines, and rituals can upset your child’s balance and put him at odds with his world … and you. Sometimes, the stress caused by changing routines results in a myriad of unpredictable behaviors that can be difficult for the whole family.

Not so crazy about camp?

For seasoned parents, revisiting summer vacation can conjure your own Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You may have had some bad camp experiences yourself. And if you have a child who has a hard time socially, chances are you are experiencing flashbacks of her being expelled from summer camp; feeling ridiculed or bullied by other children; or misunderstood by teachers who are unaware of her disability and harshly judge and shame her. Are you wondering, "Will counselors treat my child the same way?"

Long months of time to fill

Many parents experience rattled nerves and escalating anxieties as they repeat the all too familiar mantra, “How am I ever going to make it through the summer?!!” Sometime our children mature, and their difficult behaviors "mellow" a bit. But most parents of challenging children have a long history of summers that were less than sunny!

Making summer as good as it can be

Planning ahead and feeling prepared is one way to deal with the fear of uncertainty. Everyone will feel better knowing what’s to come. You’ll probably have a better chance of success if you consider your child’s strengths, interests, and behavioral limitations. Then develop your summer plans around that. Build in flexibility as much as you can, so on your child’s “off” days you’ll be able to change direction without too much stress.

Here are some ideas and strategies to consider as you prepare for summer. ~Mary

First, your child may have difficulty differentiating your stress from his own. If you are worried or fearful about summer, your child may be also. Address your own stress.

Consider “thinking” of this time as another adventure on your parenting journey.

Breathe deeply when thinking about summer increases your blood pressure.

Shift your thinking from dreading to enjoying. Why not!? I’m not being condescending or trite here. You really can change your outlook and free your mind up to more fully explore your summer options in a creative way.

Check out our May strategies and resources on ‘Nurturing Ourselves’ (for a change).

Realize that you will need breaks from your child and parenting in general. School and or work may provide a “break” from parenting for you, but summer responsibilities may not.

Make sure you build in time for yourself. Daily if possible.

Get away occasionally.

Hire a sitter or teen or trade child care time with other moms.

Ask Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends to help. This creates an opportunity to build a special relationship between your child and another adult.

Consider a really good day care. There are small ones for kids who do better in limited "crowds."

Enroll your child in a summer sports or day camp program or class.

Realistically evaluate your child’s nature, interests, and abilities when making summer plans

Write down your child's strengths and interests.

Reflect on the summer activities that worked well in the past.

Think about how you can maintain familiar routines, rules, and structure in your days.

Check out classes and programs to determine if your child could be successful in a new environment.

Begin collecting Resources

Summer programs and classes can provide fun, enriching experiences for your child. See our June Resources page to help find a good fit between your child and a summer program.

Locate a calendar of events through your local parenting magazine or newspaper. If you are not familiar with these publications in your area, go to our June Resources page.

Share summer planning ideas with other moms. Together, you are a wealth of information.

Go to your local library for books on summer fun ideas. My son and I created great experiments with Nancy Blakey’s Mud Pie series.

Create a summer plan that works for your family.

Hold a family meeting to discuss the summer.

Bring a basket filled with goodies; a blanket and cookies atop the living room rug works well.

Have everyone dream about what they’d like to do this summer. Brainstorm.

Make a list and then pick and choose what is realistic for everyone.

Get outside and play! Take advantage of the warm days and evenings. Enjoy fun summer activities.

Find another mom or group and attend activities together. This can decrease isolation and help increase connection and playfulness for both parents and children.

Dig a garden, mop a floor, build a doghouse or a fort, wash the car, swim, hike, and roller skate. Be active.

Visit parks and trails.

Attend summer festivals.

Oh yea, don’t forget the sunscreen!

As summer approaches, we invite you to email us at Mary@awildride.net and share your summer strategies.

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Nurturing Ourselves (for a change)

Parenting challenging children has its ups and downs. Some days we feel proud, joyful and fulfilled. Other days, especially when we are being relentlessly bombarded with difficult behaviors, we can feel angry, afraid, isolated, depressed and like complete failures. When we feel less in control, the emotional stress of parenting triggers these feelings, which can really take their toll. As parents of challenging children, it's easy to become caught up in ceaseless giving and ignore our own needs. Who’s got time to take care of themselves anyway, you might ask.

In today's society, many people live socially-isolated lives without support from their communities or extended families. So mothers, being the accomplished multi-taskers that we are, have learned to do it all – but at what cost to ourselves?

Finding time to breathe, let alone think, is of paramount importance. Many of us could benefit from learning better ways of dealing with the inevitable stress in our lives. By taking better care of ourselves, we will have the resiliency to care for the people we love AND treat ourselves with more compassion.

As Mother’s Day approaches, it’s a good time to reflect and evaluate our role as mothers. We know very well how vigilant we can be while nurturing others. Why are we not as dedicated to ourselves? What would you suggest to a stressed girlfriend to help her lighten up and feel better? How about encouraging her to focus, for a change, on what she can do for herself. And for yourself, don’t wait for a crisis to hit. Begin taking better care of yourself today! ~Mary

Self care steps

First, discover and acknowledge your strengths by compassionately listening to your own inner wisdom. It's in there! As Alice Domar writes in her book Self – Nurture, “with a daily ritual of self-care, an inner worthiness begins to blossom. Once it does, you’ll make the right decisions on your own behalf. You will find the courage to act in ways that are self-protective. You will start caring for each part of yourself with a fierce and tender concern. Taking time for creative play and spiritual sustenance is medicine for body and soul. It restores meaning to days otherwise filled with hard work and daunting responsibilities.”

Next, plan and commit to some priorities for yourself; plant the seeds of how you want to care for yourself and then cultivate them by finding sources of renewal and pleasure.

Begin small. Set aside even 10 minutes a day to do something that you love doing. Walk, draw, talk with a friend, stretch, listen to music that inspires you, read something inspirational, find jokes on the internet to laugh at and send to a friend, soak your feet, paint your nails, or have someone brush your hair or give you a neck rub. Plan ways to increase the pleasure in your life every day.
Build a strong support network of reliable resources – friends, family, co- workers, spouses, babysitters, social networks. Consider joining a support group, or create one... A diverse network of support gives us a variety of voices to listen to and mirrors in which to see ourselves.
Notice when you feel irritable or judgmental or find yourself complaining a lot. These are red flags alerting you to the fact that you are producing way too much cortizol (stress hormones).

Research shows that within eight seconds of holding your breath, you release an extra amount of cortizol that causes your body to go into fight or flight mode (panic). If you notice yourself holding your breath when stressed (who doesn’t!) begin long, slow, deep belly breathing. You’ll short circuit those stress hormones and deal more effectively with the issue at hand. Try it!

Appreciate your accomplishments, even the small ones. Give yourself a pat on the back when you remember to breathe instead of snapping at your child or grinding your teeth. Write these small but important accomplishments in a journal or keep a list next to your bedside. Add something to it every night before you go to sleep.
Share with another parent the positives in your lives. Research has proven that when we have support we build stronger immune systems. I know I always feel better after connecting with someone I like and trust.
Derail excess worries about your children. It is easy to feel anxious and fear the worst about their future. Can you relate to Martha in her May story? Click Here She couldn’t focus her attention on anything while her son was at his new school. She could not shut off the anxieties and worst-case scenarios running through her mind. Avoid that if at all possible.

If I were Martha’s friend I would remind her to breathe deeply and steadily in order to decrease those cortizol levels! Take time for herself – walk, exercise, remind herself of her child’s strengths and successes. Explore positive outcomes in his life. Let go of visualizing negative ones. Imagine success. How might you do this for yourself too?

Try out different relaxation techniques – yoga, meditation, deep breathing, journaling, affirmations, mindfulness, biofeedback and positive self talk. Use the one that suits your mood at the moment. Stick with one or mix them up.
Try this cognitive behavioral technique if you are in a negative thought pattern. You can shift your automatic thoughts from predicting failure to predicting success.

First, journal: When you have a negative thought that predicts failure, write it down. Describe what was happening and how you felt. Then learn to identify and challenge your thoughts. Ask yourself:

What evidence is there to support this thought?

What evidence is there to question this thought?

What would my best friends say if they heard me thinking in this way?

What would I say to my best friend if she had this thought?

Is this thought realistic?

And lastly, do I believe this thought now?

Remember

Whether you are just beginning to practice self-nurturing, or are an old hand at it, remember these three operative affirmations when guilt, fatigue or "I just don't have time" set in and doing something for you seems out of the question:

I deserve to appreciate and take care of myself.
My family deserves to have me take care of myself.
When I feel refreshed, I am happier and a more patient, less frustrated mom.

Look forward to how good you're going to feel.

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Television and Video games – how can we help our children unplug?

Television and video games are facts-of-life in most households today. We all know that too much TV or computer time is not good for our children. Programs that educate in a creative and entertaining way are available. But more often, TV and video games expose our children to violence, aggressive language, advertising, and images that are too sophisticated for them to deal with on their own.

Researchers tell us that television and packaged media products do affect imagination, learning, motivation, and self-image. There are psychologists who think that some fantasy video games may help children develop cognitive skills, the ability to plan ahead, and eye-hand coordination. However, mounting evidence to the contrary worries many parents. Especially parents who have children who are more likely to:

Model the villain and act out what they see on the screen
Have a poor understanding of the difference between reality and fantasy
Have poor impulse control
Become overly intense with escalating anxiety or misbehavior after watching TV or playing video games.

Parents want the very best for their children, but achieving this noble goal is difficult because of so many competing demands on their time. It’s easy to use screens as babysitters. We’ve all done it. Yet we still feel guilty and conflicted over the best way to manage our children's use of TV, video games, and computers.

Let’s look at some ideas on how to manage screen time, benefit from its good effects, and minimize its negative potential.

Determine a weekly screen time limit for your family. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screens for infants and toddlers 0-2 years old, and seven-fourteen hours per week for children 3- 18-years old. What works for your family?
Promote other fun, satisfying at-home activities – exercise, reading, playing, listening to music, caring for pets, helping with household tasks, playing games, hobbies, crafts, doing homework, writing letters or keeping a journal, to name a few.
Put the TV and computer in a central location where you can monitor who is watching what.
Refuse to have a television in your child’s room. This can really isolate her and if she watches it right before bed, disturb her sleep. If you have a teenager, who by the very nature of the age, wants space from the rest of the family, you may never see him if screens occupy his bedroom.
Spend time playing video games and watching appropriate TV with your children. Talk with them about their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions about the games they play or TV programs they watching. Young children, especially those who are challenged by personal boundaries, view things literally and may have difficulty telling the difference between fantasy and reality. They need your clarification.
Be aware of the content of video games and TV programming that attract your children, Question whether they are age and developmentally appropriate for your child. Is the nature of the medium aggressive? Research has found that there is a measurable, three - fifteen percent increase of aggressive behavior after watching violent TV. All children who view antisocial programming show a decline in frustration tolerance, sticking with tasks, and obeying rules.
Help your children transition from watching TV to another activity. Pay attention to their mood after watching TV or being on the computer. Evaluate how much time is enough for them. If they are having difficulty unplugging, try limiting their time even more to see if this helps. Also, give them opportunities to move and use their large muscles after sitting. This helps release pent-up kinesthetic energy, especially if your child is usually very active.
Consider the messages your child receives from television. She may not understand that the world is different than the one portrayed on TV. Is the programming aligned with your family values? Check out new shows. They could be terrifying for a child who takes in information very literally.
Use television as a learning tool. Watch appropriate programs with your child. Discuss problem-solving strategies as alternatives to the violence they see on TV. Point out stereotypes of men, women, disabled people, and minorities. Identify scenes and behaviors that conflict with your own family values. Talk back to the TV!
Identify and use television and video games as one form of entertainment, among many. Realize that your child needs to tap into, use, and grow his internal resources. It may seem to him, much easier to be entertained than to find, create, and develop his own motivation. But doing so will be much better for him in the long run.

For more information and resources, check out “Media” on our Resource page.

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Sibling Strategies By Mary

Keep your eyes open

Parents raising a spirited child already have their hands full. Having other, normal children, gives you a whole new perspective on your family's mix of complex dynamics. By comparison, your difficult child might make a normal sibling's issues look like a walk in the park. Expect complaints of preferential treatment, disparities in what you expect from your different children, and the attention you may give one over the other.

Check your expectations

By necessity, many parents must focus their limited resources on helping their challenging child, leaving siblings feeling deprived and resentful. Also, siblings of difficult children often feel that their parents – already feeling overwhelmed and burdened – expect them to behave perfectly to compensate for the stress their problem sibling causes. And some parents do have those expectations. Siblings can also self impose a high level of responsibility on themselves (consciously or unconsciously) to avoid further straining their parents' already difficult lives.

Avoid blame

Resist the urge to blame your challenging child for all your family's troubles. Try reminding your family that you are all kind, good, loving people. Compassion for other family members comes from understanding one another's temperaments, clarifying feelings and needs and respecting differences.

Take care of yourself

Try to decrease your personal stress and find resiliency by taking care of yourself everyday. Every gesture of self care can help you approach family issues with renewed strength and perspective. Self-talk is part of self-care. Send yourself an important message: “I am not a victim of my situation – I am making healthy choices for my life and my family.

On that note, check out the strategies below. I hope you find them helpful. ~Mary

Sibling strategies

Help your children feel special by scheduling a regular date with each of them, every week if possible. Allow them to choose the activity and follow their lead. Have fun together – nurture your relationship.
Accept that each of your children is different and that treating them equally may not be possible, but you can treat them equitably.
Notice, acknowledge and use each child's strengths and abilities as a way to connect with them. For example, talk with your 10-year-old about her science project; affirm her diligence and hard work even though she is disappointed with her grade. Tell her hyperactive brother that it is OK to be active and curious; he can be proud of his energy. Tell them both, "Let’s go jump on the trampoline."
Acknowledge each child's feelings and needs when they argue or fight. Everyone has a perspective, difficult child or not. Affirming their feelings about a situation might help them freely work on resolving their conflicts.
Be mindful of the language you use with and about your children; focus on their behavior, not their character. Praise positive behavior. And frame comments about difficult behavior in a non-aggressive way. For example, "When you throw a chair at your sister, you can really hurt her. I can't let you do that," rather than "You are a very bad boy for throwing that chair at your sister." This also avoids encouraging your non-aggressive child to see their sibling as bad. Empower your easier kids with as many opportunities as possible to make choices for themselves. So much of life probably feels out of their control, as you all struggle with their sibling's problems and challenging behavior.
Depending on your children's ages, explain why their challenging sibling acts and behaves the way he does. Teach them ways of interacting that can avoid stimulating him or pushing his buttons. Also, explain what you, as parents, are doing to improve the situation.
Sit down and talk as a family about troublesome issues and let your non-challenging kids know they are free to express their feelings, even about you. Help them feel that no matter how much attention, time and resources you devote to their tough sister or brother, you constantly have them in your radar as well.

What strategies help your family? We encourage you to share them on our website. Email us at strategies@awildride.net.

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PLANT THE SEEDS OF LOVE

Have you noticed how parenting challenging children can take its toll and drain your mental, physical, and emotional reserves, leaving you exhausted, depressed and confused? If a parent is always putting out energy and not getting their own needs met (for empathy, cooperation, intimacy, understanding, etc) they are likely to feel depleted and “burned out.” When parents experience this level of stress, it is so easy to go on autopilot and sink into survival mode. As we leave our calm feelings behind, we often react sharply, with quick jabs at the offender whose behavior or words have activated our fear center. When this happens to me, I remind myself to Breathe, but only after my words have lashed out in retaliation.

When I respond that way, I am embarrassed and ashamed; I know that reacting from an emotionally shut-down heart is not the response I really want to offer others. If instead, I can connect with my higher self and use my thinking brain instead of my reacting brain, I will be more successful in my relationships, stay calm in the midst of upset and stress, and stay connected with the love in my heart. Isn’t love what we are all wanting in our lives anyway? How can we both give and receive the gift of love? When loving feelings seem buried under a blanket of exhaustion, try turning that blanket into fertilizer to help sprout those seeds of inner wisdom. Plant one of your own seeds, water it with love, and watch it grow.

Remember, what you pay attention to grows:

Practice asking your child questions as if you were a reporter writing a story. Reflect back what you heard. Repeat positive statements. Be curious, not critical. This practice goes a long way toward promoting understanding and building a positive relationship with your child.
Give your child that simple hug when she feels sad – or anytime for that matter – to help her feel supported and loved. Physical touch (for some) can inspire and help us express sincere emotions from the depths of our hearts.
Practice positive thinking. This includes seeing the bigger picture and positively interpreting what happens in your life. “My son has taught me patience and perseverance.” What gifts of love has your child taught you? What have you learned from her?
Talk to people who understand what you are going through. And give others the gift of compassionate listening – encourage them to share their life with you. Join a support group.
Pull out those infant and toddler videos and/or pictures. Reconnect with those earlier years, the early days of loving your child (oh, look how cute she was…and still is). Appreciate her unique personality. Breathe in those feelings and let them settle.
Write down those funny vignettes that make you smile when you think of your child. What has he done that cracks you up?
Do something that you love doing. Be creative. Leave a chocolate under your pillow for YOU. Leave a love note for your child and/or partner under their pillow, or in their lunch box. Write a poem.
Give yourself the gift of love. Take a long bubble bath, curl up with your cat, dance to your favorite music. Notice how good it makes you feel. And plan on doing it again!
Empower yourself and your family with words and thoughts of love.
Write down a few statements about yourself that feel right and make you feel confident and pleased with yourself. Repeat them often, just for you! And when you need to, write them down again!

What strategies do you use to show your love to yourself and others? Share your strategies. E-mail us at strategies@awildride.net.

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READERS' STRATEGIES

Pink Coat Story

Remember the short story starring Nicholas and his mom, Sarah? Beth, one of our readers, sent in some excellent strategies for Sarah. We share them here with you:

“I understand that if an adult wants something, they are entitled to that choice. But if the cost of the item includes causing suffering, we all want to find a better way! Nicholas, at age 10, needed a chance to participate in a little compromise. Not on the coat -- that would have been impossible in the moment; but in his reaction. "Nicholas, come here and have a hug. The reason I like this coat is not to hurt you. I’m thinking about what to do here.” This gets him up off the sidewalk (maybe). The point is, Sarah needs a moment to strategize.

Here's what she realizes: put the coat on hold. Tell Nicholas you are not getting the coat right now and you want to think about this choice. Don't confront this head on for the rest of the day; let the kid heal a bit. Decrease the apparent threat by working up to it more slowly. Sarah as mom, who she is, what she looks like, must be Nicholas’s safe harbor in the world. Start with a plan about when Sarah would wear it; it wouldn't be her everyday coat, but could she wear it once for a while? And he can have chocolate ice cream that night? Yes, it's bribery --- but it's also conditioning or positive reinforcement. Rewards, talk, comfort, a little art therapy, drawing Mom with her new coat holding Nicholas' hand. If it were me, and my son reacted so badly, I could never wear the coat and feel pink & carefree at all! I'd be too sad, and I hope that now that Sarah HAS the coat maybe she can still gradually build her son up to her actually wearing it. Good luck!”

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NEW BEGINNINGS

Every Jan 1st, I begin to dread the inevitable question: “So, what’s YOUR New Year’s resolution?” As my body responds, I stiffen on high alert, and recklessly scan and sort my mental “to do” list. I consider my options and typically choose a goal that has either been nagging me all year or several I’ve been procrastinating about. Either choice can feel like an energy drain and another burdensome task to add to my already too busy life.

This year I’ve decided to practice appreciating and affirming my life and see what comes of that. You never know, maybe I’ll even accomplish a goal…without really trying! Try some of these for yourself and see what happens in the new year…or beyond.

Write in your journal everyday, even if it is just a few words. Putting your feelings down on paper can help you clarify what is bothering you. It’s also a good opportunity toward self understanding and healing.
Appreciate all of the people in your life who offer you understanding, kind words, encouragement, and support. Write their names and phone numbers in your journal. Know they are there for you. Call on them before you feel desperate.
Get together with trusted friends. Set up a regular meeting time and share what you are learning about yourself. Or join a support group. If there is not one in your area, think about starting one. Find the resources that are going to help you parent. Don’t parent in isolation. Find other moms, friends, professionals you can talk to.
Focus on the positives in your life. Focus on your successes, not your "failures." See new challenges as opportunities for growth.
Understand and appreciate your child’s strengths and challenges. Write down her strengths. Explore ways to help her recognize these and build on them.
Write a list of all the “gifts” your child has bestowed on you and your family. Include what you’ve learned about yourself, your strengths and abilities and how this relationship, even though difficult at times, has helped you grow.
Allow more laugher into your life. Rent funny movies, roll on the floor with your kids, wrestle on the grass, find the kid in yourself and let her out to play. Let go.

Listen to music that inspires you. Dance alone and with your children. Paint, draw, make art…get messy.

Find yourself again. It is so easy to get lost in mothering our children. Ask yourself what “feeds me” what “gives me energy” and begin to add that into your life, even if it is just for 5 minutes. It is a beginning. Affirm that you are choosing to do this.
Affirm yourself daily:

Write 5 things you are grateful for each night before you go to sleep. Keep this list under your pillow.

What other reflections come to mind? How can you affirm and acknowledge yourself? Take your time, be thoughtful, don’t be too hard on yourself, enjoy the process. Remember, you are not alone. ~Mary

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"SURVIVAL" STRATEGIES

Recently life presented an uncertain future as we hunkered down listening to house rattling 60 mile-an-hour winds, cracking trees, and sizzling power lines. Our homes plunged into a darkness that lasted for days. As parents, we do our best to soothe our children’s troubled lives, but when the unknowns of severe weather unfold and anxiety escalates, many of our tried and true comfort strategies blow out the window.

For the next inevitable storm, wherever you may live, consider adding some of these ideas to your parenting tool box:

Give yourself a pat on the back for keeping your children and family safe.
Before the storm:

If transitions and change are difficult for your child, keep in mind that this situation is new to him and he may be afraid. Offer reassuring words to put both of you at ease. Ask the other adults and older children in the house, to do the same.

While you are busy predicting what you’ll need to ride out the storm, give your children easy tasks to give them a feeling of helpfulness. Have them fetch blankets, candles, flashlights, canned food. Ask them to collect whatever else they need.

Give them shovels to dig ditches to deal with the storm water, or tools to rake up leaves that would stop water flow.

Help them build blanket shelters. Put a blanket over a couple of chairs, or small table. Have them fill the shelter with items of comfort, e.g., teddy bear, doll, snacks, juice, books, etc.

Deep breathe when you feel your shoulders, neck, and back begin to tighten. Stop for a moment. Breathe.

During the storm:

Try to stay calm. Know that you have prepared the best you could.

Read or tell stories if your children are awake.

Comfort each other. Snuggle. Hold your children. Ask them to hold you too.

Sleep together with blankets on the floor. Create a sleep-over party atmosphere.

Serve hot chocolate or provide comfort objects. Give everyone a squeeze ball or clay to help deal with tension.

Sing songs, listen to story tapes on a battery operated player.

Talk about your own fear and how you face and overcome it.

Use positive imagery. Visualize the end of the storm.

After the storm, if it is safe:

Go to a friend’s or relative’s house, someplace where everything seems more “normal."

Take everyone to something fun – movies, events, skating, swimming, etc. Exercise can really help to decrease tension and anxiety for everyone.

Get out and walk.

Make “grateful” lists, e.g., we are warm, have food, found teddy near by.

Reflect on your survival strategies. What would you do differently next time?

Before the next storm:

Make a list of supplies to restock.

Put together a small suitcase of “fun” toys, puzzles, books, clay, Legos, playing cards, etc. to be used only when you are in “survival” mode.

Ask your children, if there was another storm, what would they like to do?

What do you do when you are on “storm alert”?
Share your strategies.
E-mail us at strategies@awildride.net. ~ Mary

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HOLIDAY STRATEGIES

The holidays offer many emotion packed feelings that range from joyfulness and excitement, to anger, frustration, and disappointment. By keeping our expectations in check and managing our stress levels, we can enjoy our experiences and each other.

I often tell the moms in our group that unless they manage their own stress with adequate self care, they will not have the resiliency it takes to help their children manage theirs. Here are some holiday ideas and suggestions to keep in mind.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

Accept the reality of parenting a challenging child. Maintain your perspective.
Connect with your child's strengths and how loveable she is. Help her to succeed and watch your stress level decrease.
When making holiday plans, cut them in half. Let go of the number and length of celebrations around big holiday events and gatherings.
Choose events wisely. Match your child’s temperament and ability to succeed with the appropriateness of the event.
Plan ahead. Prepare your child for new people and new surroundings. Arrive early. Give her plenty of time to adapt.
Keep to your child’s patterns -- sleep, diet, routines -- as much as you can.
As demanding choices and spot decisions arise, remain as creative and as flexible as you can. If plan A is not working, evaluate the situation and do something else. Remember what has worked in the past when a similar situation arises.
Don’t take your child’s unruly behavior personally. He does not have the coping skills to go shopping, bake holiday cookies, and go to the Nutcracker all in one day. He may not be developmentally ready to sit quietly while all of the adults are talking around the dinner table.
If there are two parents/partners in the household, take two cars in case your child needs to leave early. The extra gas money may save your sanity.

COMMUNICATE. Be open and understanding. Feel the connection with others.

Ask your children which holiday traditions they like. What are they looking forward to? What would they like to skip? Talk ahead of time about possible disappointments.
Let your children know that you are on their side, you understand them, and know they can be successful. You believe in them. You are there to teach and support them.
Help relatives understand and work with your child. Briefly explain to them what techniques work and what situations to avoid.

SELF CARE.

Prioritize and organize your holiday schedule. Decreasing your stress level is #1 on your list. #2 is doing those things that are meaningful to you. Set realistic expectations for yourself.
Do something everyday that you love, something that is just for you and that gives you a feeling of pleasure. Even if it is just 5 minutes. Do it!
Practice saying “yes” only when you absolutely mean it. Don’t say “yes” out of obligation or to be accommodating. Practice setting your own boundaries.
Breathe – slow, deep, and easy. Focus on your exhalations.
Take stock of the beauty around you. Stop often during the day and look at the beauty in nature, listen to the sounds of the rain on the roof or the squeals of delight when your children play in the snow. Smell the clean air. Feel gratitude for being alive.
Take breaks from your child. Use your resources to find sitters or share a sitter.

AFFIRM YOUR INTENTION

Write your own affirmations or use the ones below. Repeat them often.

I AM connecting in meaningful ways to the important people in my life.

I AM relaxed, breathing deeply and appreciating the beauty of the season.

I AM confident that I can relax and handle, to the best of my ability, ANY situation that arises.

I give myself compassion and understanding.

I am doing the best job I can right now.

Above all, use humor as often as possible, and be as kind and gentle with yourself as you are with those whom you love ~ Mary

“Pink coat” strategy session

The situation

Sarah’s younger son, Nicholas, has serious anxiety and depression problems. It doesn‘t take much to trigger a serious drop in his emotional barometer. Living in a very predictable world helps Nicolas stay out of these dark, painful moods. When Sarah decides to buy a pink spring coat rather than a black one (she usually wears a lot of black) Nicholas has an anxious, city-sized meltdown on the sidewalk outside the store. (Read The Pink Coat in Stories)

Suggestions from Sarah’s support group

Over warm cups of tea, herbal or caffeinated, the women in the group had these suggestions for Sarah:

Jackie asks, “Can’t you go shopping alone?”

Sarah’s response: “Clearly, that’s what I should have done but I HATE shopping. My two sons and I were downtown doing some errands. I needed a spring coat, and since we were nearby, I thought it would be easiest to just dash into my favorite store, but in the long run it took more time than was necessary.”

Jackie’s suggestion: “I think it’s great to create a day that is just your own. What about having lunch with a friend and then a little shopping?”

Sarah’s response: “Well, I always assume that a trip to the city will be fun for the whole family. So I try to include everyone. But there is no such thing as fun with the whole family when you have two very different children. What’s fun to one can be torture to the other. Case in point: that day, my older son was happily giving fashion advice not only to me but to other women shoppers. He was quite funny and they all thought his advice was right on track. Nicholas on the hand, was a puddle of despair.

Susan’s advice: “What about planning a little differently? Perhaps there is a way to arrange those trips to the city for things that you KNOW everyone will enjoy. Then, when you need to get something that is just for you, arrange a place for Nicholas to play for the afternoon, then go shopping with a friend. You have a right to outings away from your boys.”

Readers’ ideas

Do you have a strategy that might work for Sarah? Send it to strategies@awildride.net

STAY TUNED for more situations, strategies, and reader ideas! Elizabeth, Nina, & Mary

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A Wild Ride

The Power of Story, Support, and Strategies While Raising Challenging Children