A Wild Ride

Strategies

Adjusting to Temperament

Labels: Strategies to Help Parents Understand Their Child

How to Hold a Family Meeting

Building a Toolbox of Comfort

Releasing Expectations:  Erica’s Story

How Can I Help My Child Fit In?

Expectations – The Gateway to Disappointment

Gifts of the Season

Feel Successful Before, During and After Parent Teacher Conferences

Sleep Strategies

Friendship Strategies

Back to School Strategies

How Is Your Summer Going? - Vacation and Travel Strategies

Summer Vacation…..Help!!!

Nurturing Ourselves (for a Change)

Television and Video Games – How Can We Help Our
Children Unplug?

Sibling Strategies

Plant the Seeds of Love

Readers' Strategies

New Beginnings

Survival Strategies

Holiday Strategies

 

Adjusting to Temperament

By now summer is in full swing, swimming in the backyard pool, picnics at the park, family vacations, and NO SCHOOL. You’ve worked hard to create a summer routine that is more relaxed but still meets your child’s need for daily structure. You’ve planned ahead for changes in routine and offered guidance and encouragement during unstructured time. You are doing your best to meet your child’s needs.

If you are a parent who values structure and routine and finds planning ahead and being organized are easy for you, then parenting a child who needs structure will seem like second nature. Your personality is more predisposed toward accommodating your child’s need for routine.

But what if you are a parent, who loves spontaneity, loathes routine and has a difficult time getting and staying organized? You know your parenting needs to be molded around your child’s temperament but where do you start?
Let’s begin by taking a look at the 9 temperamental traits from the classic child development research conducted by Doctors Chess and Thomas. Rate each of your child’s traits.

 While you’re at it, check out your own as well. Once you understand your child’s temperament you can predict his behavior and develop more effective strategies for guiding it rather than fighting or giving in.

The 9 Temperament Traits

• Activity Level (how active the child is generally) Low or High
   
• Distractibility (degree of concentration and paying attention when child is not particularly interested) Low or High
   
• Intensity (how loud the child is) Low or  High
   
• Regularity (the predictability of biological functions like appetite and sleep) Regular or Irregular
   
• Sensory threshold (how sensitive the child is to physical stimuli; touch, taste, smell, sound, light) High or Low
   
• Approach/Withdrawal (characteristic responses of a child to a new situation or to strangers) Approach or Withdrawal
   
• Adaptability (how easily the child adapts to transitions and changes like switching to a new activity) Good or Poor
   
• Persistence (stubbornness, inability to give up) Low or High
   
• Mood (tendency to react to the world primarily in a positive or negative way) Positive or Negative

It really doesn’t matter so much if your child has similar or different traits from your own. What does matter is being able to identify the traits that are the hardest for you to cope with. For example, if your child is energetic and intense and you are sensitive to noise and stimulation it is no wonder you get upset when your son is in your face all the time. When you understand your child’s behavioral signals you’ll be more able to prevent potential problems by creating a less stressful environment for her.

But first, what about you?

• It’s important to acknowledge your love for your child and let go of your ideal image. Accept her the way she is.
   
• Notice when things are going well between you and your child. How are you responding to her? These are clues that you are meeting her needs.
   
• Recognize your feelings toward your child. If you are feeling isolated and frustrated and unfulfilled as a parent find someone to talk to and discuss these feelings.
   
• If you find yourself overreacting, think about your expectations of yourself, your child and the situation. Are your expectations realistic?
• Learn to accept your own limitations and be more tolerant, understanding, patient, and kind with yourself.
   
• Be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Acknowledge you are doing the best you can. And – believe it!

Then:

• Consider your child’s point of view or perception when creating strategies to guide her behavior.
   
• Consider environmental factors when your child’s resistance is high. Is the environment too loud? Is her shirt label too scratchy? Is there too much going on in the store?
   
• Think about guiding your child to learn about herself as you offer strategies and coping skills. For example if she is:

1. Intense, you’ll need to help her learn how to soothe her self.
    
2. Sensitive, you can teach her strategies to help her avoid or minimize those factors that trigger her.
    
3. Persistent, you can model problem solving and working with other people.
    
4. Slow to adapt, you can teach her to strategies to refocus on the next activity.

• Observe what situations trigger stress in your child. Are transitions from day care to home extremely difficult for him? Is he slow to adapt to new situations? Does he squirm and struggle when you put a wool sweater on him? Is your child constantly stimulated by his everyday surroundings?
   
• If you know ahead of time what will set your child off you’ll feel better prepared to choose whether to help him work through a difficult situation or to avoid them altogether.
   
• Thinking ahead on what your child needs to be successful in any given situation will drastically reduce the intensity of the tough times, according to parent educator Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child. This approach will also teach your child self-awareness and coping skills so that eventually hewill be able to plan his own strategies for success.

Here is Mary’s four-step process:

1. Predict the tough spots

2. Analyze the temperament traits involved

3. Identify the triggers-what sparks the troublesome behaviors

4. Develop strategies for success

Mary uses the acronym PAID as a payoff for your efforts.
I’m planning on working on this myself. With a change in routine and more “down” time, summer seems like the perfect opportunity to explore another tool to add to my ever-expanding toolbox. I’m up for feeling the richness of more harmony and satisfaction as my child (and I) navigate those troublesome situations.

We’d love to hear your ideas and strategies.  Email mary@awildride.net

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Labels: Strategies to Help Parents Understand Their Child

Many of us experience the extreme heartache and emotional roller coaster that accompany the desperate search to understand our child’s complex, puzzling behaviors.  We go from doctor to behavioralist, occupational therapist to neurologist hoping to figure out why our children act like they do and how to best help them. Finally, after our children are scrutinized and their personality is categorized, we emerge with a label-a collection of personality traits that characterize a certain medical or psychological “disorder.”  Yikes!

Depending on our situation, we may feel afraid for our child’s future and grieve for the loss that this confirmation brings.  For other families labels can provide a sense of relief, hope, and a fresh perspective. Let’s explore some questions together while identifying some strategies and ideas that help expand our view of labeling.

“What does this label mean to my child’s future and that of our family?”

• When you first learn that your child has been “labeled,” take a deep breath and remind yourself that this label does not define who your child is.

• Don’t get derailed and focus on the negative behavioral characteristics that can come with the label. 

• Keep a positive vision of your child.  Write down his strengths, abilities, and gifts as you investigate and learn more about the description of this label.  Return to this list often and keep a positive vision of your child in the foreground.

• Consider how this label fits our child and where it does not.  Remember your child is unique.

• Use the label as just one more piece of the puzzle.  View this new information as a tool to provide you with more understanding and compassion as you learn more about your complex child.

• Refrain from projecting your thoughts into the future. For example, three-year-old Jason has been aggressive with other kids at his pre-school.  Instead of thinking, “Jason’s so mean – he’s going to grow up without any friends,” focus your thoughts on effective coping and problem solving.  “Jason’s at a new preschool and seems really stressed.  I can talk to the teacher and together we can find ways to help Jason manage his behavior.”

• Talk with other parents who have children with similar issues.  Find a support group or begin one.  Learn how others are coping and what resources are available to you.

“Does this label help my child or limit his potential?

• A diagnosis can help to put the puzzle pieces together and finally make sense of your child’s confusing behaviors.  Be careful though to not let this label become your child’s identity. Refrain from describing her as the label; “Rachel is bipolar.”

• Do not allow this label to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and limit his potential. Use positive language with and about your children, at home, at school conferences, and in social settings.  Avoid labels and generalizations and help him to feel stronger, more self assured, and capable.

• Reward your child’s accomplishments and focus on his strengths.  Don’t focus on the label to explain your child’s abilities and potential.  Research shows that children will live up or down to teachers and parents expectations.

• Explain to your child that he “may be wired differently, which may make things more difficult for you.  You might have to work harder and use different strategies, but I know you can be successful.” 

• Know and explain to your child that brains can change when you exercise them.  As children learn and grow their conditions can change.  Stress can make this worse and can improve when your child feels safe and calm.

• Praise your child for their effort and hard work - both for their successes and failures. 

• Keep the vision and attitude that your child can improve.

“Will understanding this label help me be a better parent?” 

• A label can serve to give you more information and understanding therefore help you to address your child’s needs more effectively.  For example, a label of ADHD can offer some explanation of why “my child has such difficulty focusing and is failing in school.”

• If you understand your child’s challenges, you can empathize with his difficulties rather than thinking he is acting out on purpose.  You can then ask yourself, “What behaviors can I impact?”

• Do some investigative work in understanding your child’s behavior.  What is motivating his behavior?  Look at life through his eyes. 

 

“How will others view my child – through the veil of his label or by his own uniqueness?” 

• You are your child’s best advocate, but you cannot be strong for him unless you understand him well.  Work on connecting with your child on an emotional level.  Model being an advocate for him.

• Protect your child’s self image.  Be careful of “fixing” their identity.

• Consider the words that you use to describe your child.  Your positive perspective is essential for her sense of well being and self esteem. Model this for his teachers and other adults in his life.

• Refrain from categorizing your child’s personality in a negative manner.

• Help teachers to look for the correct source of your child’s unique problem and then collaborate with your child’s teacher to work on strategies to correct it.

• Labeling can perpetuate the misperception of “disorders” such as ADHD as a problem of personal character.  Educate yourself so you understand the basis of the “disorder.”   Modeling advocacy for your child will help her learn to advocate for herself.

We’d love to hear from our readers about how labels have hindered or helped them. Email mary@awildride.net and share your stories and strategies.

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How to Hold a Family Meeting

Family meetings help busy families stay connected. Other benefits of this simple tool are improved communication, self-esteem, emotional support and problem solving.

Time Required: about 30 Minutes

Here's How:

1.      Parents decide together to begin holding family meetings.

2.      Tell children that you will begin holding family meetings to talk about what's going on in everyone's life.

3.      Let everyone decide together when and where to hold meetings.

4.      Mom, Dad, or care taking adult should be the co-moderators for meetings at the beginning. Share the moderator duties with children as you go along.

5.      At the first meeting remind everyone to contribute to the conversation, listen to others, and be supportive not critical.

6.      Use the "Go Around" method. Go around the circle giving each family member the opportunity to respond to the topic.

7.      Go Around Topic 1 - Something that made you feel good this week.

8.      Parents offer praise, encouragement, and support for the good things that each person mentions.

9.      Go Around Topic 2 - Something that bothered you this week.

10.  Parents listen for and acknowledge the feelings that are expressed, ask open-ended questions to clarify the problem, then brainstorm solutions with the entire family.

11.  Go Around Topic 3 - Something that you want to work on or accomplish next week.

12.  Parents model making an action plan and help children set a specific goal to continue positive experiences or address problems identified this week.

13.  Go Around Topic 4 - Your schedule for the week. What meetings, appointments, tests, special events or projects you have this week.

14.  Parents identify any scheduling conflicts and individual responsibilities necessitated by the week's schedule. Plan your week. Teach good time management.

Tips:

1.      Set a scheduled time for meetings, post it where everyone will see, and keep the time. If parents are committed to the project, it will have more impact.

2.      Make the meetings fun too. Tell a story or a joke, play games, have contests.

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Building a Toolbox of Comfort

Let’s face it; parenting special needs children takes an enormous amount of energy, patience, and resiliency.  As moms, we are masters at serving everyone else’s needs ahead of our own.  Fatigue from continuous supervision and the heroic attention required to meet everyone’s needs while ignoring our own, can put us at risk for burnout. Research shows that deliberate and regular relaxation can counter the effects of this chronic stress. What would it be like to take care for ourselves first?  Would we have more resiliency to care for our children, our families?  What would it feel like?

Imagine a toolbox filled with stress relieving ideas, stress busters unique to you, suggestions that will turn down the stress meter whether you have five minutes or thirty.  If you haven’t already done so, take this opportunity to begin building your toolbox of comfort.  In a matter of weeks you can decrease anxiety and find yourself on an even keel-coping and feeling better.

To get started, intentionally carve out time for yourself everyday. Schedule yourself into your calendar.  Consider this time sacred.

BREATHING/RELAXATION TECHNIQUES

Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted for 15-20 minutes.  That’s only 15-20 minutes out of 1440 minutes per day. Granted 480 of these minutes you may be sleeping (if you are actually sleeping 8 hours!)  Sound do-able?  Good. Get out your journal or a piece of paper and write down thoughts, insights, activities that help you to feel relaxed and bring you joy.  Below are some simple breathing and relaxation techniques outlined by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D., in her book Self-Nurture.  Do any of these resonate with you?  If so, add them to your toolbox.

• Focus on your breathing to reduce tension, slow abdominal breathing – 8 breaths in – 5 breaths out.  The slower you breathe the calmer you will become.

• Body Scan – helps to develop awareness of muscle tension from head to toe.  By systematically doing a mental check on tense areas of the body you can breathe in awareness and breathe out tension.  This is an exercise in mental focusing and breathing.

• Progressive Muscle Relaxation – sensing, tensing and relaxing each muscle group from head to toe.  More active than the body scan.

• Meditation – turn your attention inward and focus on breathing.  You can mentally recite a simple word, mantra, phrase, or prayer repeatedly.

• Mindfulness – nourishing our capacity to be in the present engendering gratitude.  Often eating a piece of chocolate – slowly – noticing every sensation; smells, taste, texture, emotion, etc teach this practice.  Now this one is definitely do-able!!

• Guided imagery – using your mind to take you to your “special place” where you have felt relaxed, at peace, and comfortable.  Use your senses to become totally absorbed in this place.

• Autogenic training – verbal suggestions to progressively relax your body.

• Yoga – gentle stretching postures.  Put in a DVD at home or take a class.

• Mini – relaxations – Alice Domar has four different versions that you can do spontaneously (who doesn’t need this!):

  • The First version is to simply focus on abdominal breathing. 
  • Second: Take 10 slow, deep abdominal breathes. 
  • Third version:  Count silently to yourself 1-2-3-4 as you inhale and backwards 4-3-2-1 as you exhale. 
  • Fourth version:  Use any of the aforementioned breathing techniques and pause for a few seconds after each in-breathe and each out-breath.

Any one of these techniques will short circuit your cortizol levels (stress hormones) so you’ll stay in your thinking brain and not sink into the fight or flight response where we can say things we wish we hadn’t.

STRESS BUSTERS

In addition to breathing and relaxation techniques, it is equally important to fill your toolbox with stress busters that are uniquely yours.  Think about your strengths, what makes you smile, what helps you to feel good, what do you love doing?  Write these down in a brainstorming session.  Don’t edit – give yourself permission to just create. Talk to your friends and your support group to get more ideas.  Here’s a few suggestions to get the juices flowing:

• Listening to music, singing, licking an ice cream cone, indulging in a hot fudge sundae, laughing with your girlfriends, snuggling with your kitty, long-hot baths, smelling fragrant flowers, sitting in the sunshine, or reading a magazine.

• Affirmations.  For example, look in the mirror and say, “I know I can do this.”  Or simply, “I love you.”

• Prayer.  Something that is meaningful to you.

• Reading  or writing poetry

• Gratitude Journal.  Writing down all of those things that you appreciate about yourself everyday.

• HeartMath – biofeedback training software that helps to make you aware of when you are in “coherence,” a balance of your autonomic and sympathetic nervous system.  Look for their website in our resources section.

• List and eliminate those things that drain you.

Now, everyday during your scheduled time choose one or more of your ideas from your toolbox.  Commit to doing something everyday. Relax while you feed your soul.

POSITIVE THOUGHTS

If you have mental tapes that re-run ad nauseam in your head, try Cognitive Restructuring and put an end to those automatic negative thoughts.  This technique uses logic to test those nagging unproductive mind games. Ask yourself:

1. Does this thought contribute to my stress?

2. Where did I learn this thought?

3. Is this a logical thought?

4. Is this thought true?

Once you’ve uncovered the truth, you can counter an old negative thought with one actually based in reality.  Repeat this new thought whenever the old one arises. 

For example:  A reoccurring thought may be, “I am not doing enough for my child.”

Replace with:

“Yes.  This thought contributes greatly to my stress.  I’m never relaxed because I’m always thinking about what I’ve missed in order to help her.”

“I learned this thought because I’m so afraid that I will have missed some prime developmental window of opportunity.”

“Actually when I focus on whether this thought is true or not I’m flooded with reminders of all of the research I’ve done and opportunities I’ve provided in the past and will continue to provide for my daughter in the future. “

OR

“I guess it is time to practice loving kindness and compassion for myself rather than beating myself up.  I’m doing the best I can right now.”

For your own sanity, think ahead toward summer vacation.  Creating some down time for yourself while your child attends a camp or other activity can be a win-win for everyone.  Check out SUMMER VACATION…HELP!!! in our Strategies section for some ideas. Look more ideas from Karen Alaniz coming in April.   For now, fill up that parenting toolbox and let us know how it is working.  ~Mary

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Releasing Expectations: Erica’s story

Erica’s story, Expectations, opens with a powerful and insightful proclamation:

Expect nothing and parenting gets that much easier.

I’m going enlarge these words and post them on the frig, reminding me to ease my own parenting expectations.   

Another line that hits me right between the eyes is:

In a release of all expectations, two lives were born.

Wow!  Erica’s sobering story is heartbreaking yet full of strength and resiliency.   Something we all need everyday but especially when life throws us curve balls.

Erica embedded clear-headed wisdom in her words.  The gift that comes from seeing the inside of night turn back to day.  The messages that I gleaned from reading this story while applying to my own expectations have to do with; finding, recognizing, and appreciating humor, the strength of love, the value in recognizing and embracing our children’s individual gifts and strengths, being able to appreciate having a “normal” experience along side a different experience, surrendering to what is rather than what you wish it was or could be, working through the stages of loss and getting to acceptance.

Questions to ponder:  How do you surrender and let go of expectations when they are not being met? 

How do you quickly and tenderly put those dreams to bed?

How do you re-shape your life and accept the new normal?

What do your new dreams look like?

Thank you Erica for offering this heartfelt story and reminding me life continues to take courage and strength.  That we can deal with whatever hand we’re dealt with and in turn learn the gifts of strength, resiliency, humor, and love by keeping an open heart.

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How Can I Help my Child Fit In?

Remember last month’s story, Beyond the Schoolhouse Doors: Fostering a Community of Support from our regular contributor Karen L. Alaniz?  If you haven’t had a chance to do so, I recommend that you check it out.  It has some great ideas and strategies that will surely work for many families.  Some readers may even experience an “ah-ha” spurring them on to plan ways to guide their own child toward social inclusion.  Parents who have felt the pain of witnessing their child sit on the sidelines of friendship can feel enormous relief and joy once their child learns the skills required to get along with others.

But what about the child who is so overwhelmed at birthday parties that he becomes disruptive and is never invited to another party?  Or the child who hides and isolates himself because the noise, smells, and activities are more than he can stand?  How is he included?  What about the child who has poor communication or social skills and feels socially rejected, teased or ignored by other children?  Or the child who thinks that he cannot succeed in normal ways so he becomes destructive, aggressive, and engages in bothersome behaviors?  How does this child learn to fit in? 

How can any of these children have fun and feel included too?

Clearly these children need assistance in order to fit in.  They need guidance to take tiny baby steps toward eventual independence and success.  As parents, we can help children build skills while learning to adapt and accommodate to the group.

Here are a few of my suggestions for helping a child who “doesn’t fit in.”

• It may be that your child is lacking social graces and is scaring kids off by not recognizing when it’s someone else’s turn, is intrusive, or sometimes even physically aggressive.  These children need to learn what affect they have on others without shaming them.

• Help them understand themselves – brainstorm what situations they are triggered by.  Don’t forget to balance this list with areas they feel successful in.  Talk about using their strengths as a strategy to get along with others.  Example:  Finding a friend that you have something in common with.

• Help them identify and respect boundaries (their own and others.)

• Talk about the concept of a body bubble with them.  Check out our Sept 2007 Strategies on Friendship.

• Teach your child about the appropriate way to join a group: STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN before stepping or rushing into a group. Teach them with words as well as actively model how you enter a group effectively.

• Teach them where their body, hands and feet are in relationship to others so they begin to understand about personal space.

• Be more direct and instructive.  “Billy, when you ran up to Jeff and gave him a big hug hello he pulled away and looked scared.  I think he was frightened by your big hug.  I know you don’t want him to feel afraid of you.”

• Encourage awareness of other’s feelings.  “How do you think Jeff felt when you threw your arms around him?” and “I wonder how Sally felt when you said that?”

• The child who has sensory integration issues needs understanding and accommodations.  A younger child may need you to prepare her by role-playing scenarios.

• If you attend the party with your child – teach her nonverbal signals (a wink or a touch on the arm, etc) that alert you when she is feeling overwhelmed.

• Identify a “safe” place (going to the bathroom, a bedroom, outside) -away from the activity when the stimulus is too much.  Encourage her to use it to de-stress.

• Older children will appreciate your guidance.  Help them identify stimulus and problem solve appropriate ways to handle it.

• If your intention is for her to be accepted by other kids and feel successful, she may still need you close by.

• Be the den mother, car pool driver, swimming instructor, or soccer coach.  Invite kids over to your house to make cookies together.  Do an activity that your child feels adept at so she is not stressed by trying something new and can focus on having fun.  Involve your child in ways that she can interact with others while having fun.  Your child only needs one other kid to feel that she belongs.

• Invite some other kids over for a structured activity; an arts and crafts party, making ice cream sundaes, relay races, and trip to the playground, bowling, miniature golf, or movie.  You know when your child is getting tired.  A good rule of thumb is no longer than 2 hours.  You want this to end on a positive note.

• If your child is older and still needs a “spotter,” ask a high school friend to get involved at the party.  His job will mainly be to help your child smooth out his rough social edges. He can make it less obvious by being part of the festivities as well.

• The mom in Karen’s story alluded to the possibility that people are afraid of people with disabilities.  How can you address the unspoken, perhaps even unrecognized fears of other parents?  How can you help them understand that your child’s behavior is a reaction to stimuli he cannot control?

• As Karen suggested to the parents in her story, write a letter to parents telling them briefly about your child’s challenges and what will work to help him be more successful.

For an in-depth description of strategies and to help your child get along with others, check out Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book, Raising Your Spirited Child.

~Mary

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Expectations – The Gateway to Disappointment

How many times in your life have you eagerly looked forward to something, only to feel disappointed when it did not meet your expectations?  After the initial let down, were you able to reflect on what you felt was certain to happen, dreamed of, hoped for, wanted, or needed?  Could you identify how some unattainable standard or unrealistic expectation triggered your feelings?  As white-knuckled parents – exhausted, frustrated, and isolated – it’s easy to succumb to the “should, could and must” assumptions about what our children and we are capable of.  If you are a parent who expects way too much of herself, it’s time for a realistic look at your expectations and a healthy dose of self compassion.  Check out these ideas and strategies to find ways to ease up on yourself before the next time you step across the threshold of disappointment.

Acknowledging Strategies

• Start a list of appreciations for yourself, for example, “I appreciate that I stayed calm in the midst of chaos today” and your child, “I appreciate how much tenderness Sara showed her kitty today.”

• Change your perspective by saying and showing how much you appreciate your child.

• Monitor your self talk – be kind and compassionate.  Give yourself a break!

• Let go of self-critical thinking.  Mantra:  “My child’s misbehavior is probably less of a reflection of my parenting and more the fact that all children test the limits of their environment.”

• Use "I" messages; “I feel frustrated,” rather than, “you frustrate me.”

• Observe and acknowledge your feelings when your child’s challenging behaviors trigger your  "Oh where is my dream child” lament.

• Accept and love the child you have vs. the child you wished for.

• Adjust your attitude toward your child’s behavior to help him have a more positive self-image.

• Make a list of your child’s characteristics or behaviors that are the most difficult to accept.  Then rename these characteristics in a more positive way.  Example: Is your child "demanding?”  Instead, realize that she "holds high standards" for herself.  Is your child “wild”  Try renaming her behavior “energetic.”

Strategies of Acceptance

• Learn to accept unpredictability and mistakes as a natural, universal part of life.

•  If you have negative labels for yourself or your child lurking in your mind, commit to shifting to positive thoughts.  Focus on your and your child’s strengths.

• Believe in yourself and your child.  Know that you both are doing the best you can right now.

• Project a positive outlook for the future.  “I know we will get through this in a positive way.”

• Let go of expectations that are unfair to you and your child.

• Develop empathy and understanding by seeing the world through your child's eyes. 

Thriving Strategies

• Avoid power struggles between you and your child.

•  Set flexible standards for yourself – throw “should” and “must” out of your vocabulary.

• Reframe negative statements such as “I can never get my shopping done” to “I can shop when Sara’s Dad is home with her this evening.”

• Model coping well and problem solving out loud by sharing your positive thinking with your children.

Do you have more ideas or strategies?  Send what’s working for you so other parents can try something new. E-mail mary@awildride.net

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Gifts of the Season

The holiday season has arrived.  Advertisers and department stores are solicit our children with seductive messages everywhere.  BUY ME!  Advertising and the hub-bub around the holidays builds expectations – sometimes unrealistic ones.  

If gifts and experiences don’t live up to what our intense children expect. They may feel extremely letdown or even explosive.  Their emotional can trigger misunderstood behaviors, such as appearing ungrateful if disappointed, angry if surprised, or spoiled if not polite. 

Since gifts are often emotional snags for our intense, sensitive, slow to adapt children, they need our help to navigate the holiday hot spots by setting realistic expectations.  

How can we help them handle gift giving and receiving gracefully?

Gift Giving

• Start with YOU. Give YOURSELF the gift of support.  Find people in your life who will listen and not judge you.  Take good care of yourself.

• Give your child the gift of nurturing support.

  • Touch them lovingly (hugs and kisses).
  • Give your child treats and privileges.
  • Tell your child she is loved and lovable.
  • Listen carefully and talk gently to your child.
  • Help your child in whatever way possible.

• Announce to your family that you choose to bring more celebration into your lives.  Model gift giving as an expression of emotional love (but not a substitute for it).

• Model and teach your children to enjoy the ordinary things of life – eating, sleeping, music, art, interacting with the outdoors.

• Give your children the gift of your time, your respect, your presence.

• As your child becomes older, consider giving treasured gifts – something that holds special significance to the parent.  In times of emotional upheaval, these gifts can be reminders to children that you genuinely love them.

• Offer your children the gift of a memorable experience – plan an event with your kids taking the lead, spend some time in nature or make family crafts together.

• Buy gifts that encourage the kind of behavior you want.  Don’t give your child some battery-operated toy that drives you crazy and stimulates their already over-the-top activity level.

• Give gifts that encourage children to use their imagination – a dress-up box, blocks, Legos, music and story tapes, paints, play houses, etc.

• During a gift exchange, give a “job” to your intense child.  Talk to him ahead of time about his “job” and how much he is contributing.  Help him select and hand gifts to the recipient and collect and discard wrapping paper and ribbon.

• Praise her when she handles herself well – hugs grandma, waits patiently, doesn't lose her temper if she doesn't like a gift, etc.

Receiving Gifts

• Help your daughter deal with intense disappointment or surprise in front of others by preparing her as much as you can.  Parent educator, Mary Kurchinka suggests you play the “what-if” game.  In advance of a likely trigger situation, brainstorm and problem solve possible strategies with your child:  Ask: “What if you feel like crying in front of grandma or your cousins?” Or: “What if you are feeling disappointed when you receive a gift you do not want or like?”

• Help your analytical child to avoid embarrassment by teaching them respectful words to use when receiving gifts.  “Thank you, Aunt Beth.  This is one of my favorite colors.”  Give him guidelines and practice with him.

• Have your child make a “wish list” and star or prioritize the gifts that are most important.  Remind her that she may not get everything on the list, create a gift-buying guide for friends and relatives.

• Consider opening a few gifts early if your intense child can’t wait.  We used to stretch out our gift exchanges and begin opening presents (one each day) three days before the holiday. This helped to diffuse our son’s intensity and saved our sanity.

Defuse Commercialism or Where’s the Meaning?

• Choose your holiday traditions wisely.  Slow down.  Don’t try to do too much.  Create rituals that work for your child’s temperament and resiliency and are meaningful to your family.

• Deal with your own expectations and activity level so that your sensitive child does not pick up on your stress.  If your child is misbehaving and melting down, this is a signal for you to simplify.

• Model the importance of nurturing your extended family, neighbors, and community.  Establish a tradition with your child of baking and delivering cookies to neighbors or preparing food baskets for the needy..

Above all, remember the most important gift of all is a loving, respectful relationship with your child.  It’s a gift that keeps on giving for as long as you live.

We’d love to hear your ideas and strategies.  Email to mary@awildride.net

Hope you have a happy, stress-free holiday season!

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Feel Successful Before, During and After Parent Teacher Conferences

If you are parenting a child who does not fit into the mainstream mold, or has learning and/or behavioral challenges, you may feel more than a little nervous preparing for your parent teacher conference.  Are you concerned you may hear surprising information that you weren't expecting?  When that happens, it can send parents into an emotional spiral of confusion and worry. 

Rachel Eden, an educator and parent coach with SoundParent, has some suggestions aimed at quieting your anxiety, focusing your direction, and empowering you as you continue to be your child’s best advocate.

Before talking to your child’s teacher

Before the conference, take some time to discover or re-connect with your child's strengths.  Become reacquainted with your child’s abilities, patterns, behaviors, and needs – keeping in mind that your ultimate goal is to explore what is working and help sustain it.  This exercise will help you regain the confidence that comes from knowing your child better than anyone else.  Ask yourself these questions:

• What do I appreciate about my child?  What are her strengths?

• What is my child curious about?  How does she show her curiosity? What kinds of questions does she ask? 

• When my child has persevered with a challenging task, what qualities and skills did she use? 

• Does my child need breaks from periods of concentration?  What does she do to let off steam so she can be productive when she returns to the task?

• Think about a time when your child was focused.  Ask, what did I notice and appreciate most about my child at the time?

• What do I appreciate about my child’s listening skills?  

• Talk with your child about a time she recently participated in class.  What did she enjoy about that participation?  How was she treated   when she participated?  Does she have any ideas about how she can participate in new ways that she didn’t find enjoyable before?

Once you have regained a deep appreciation for and understanding of your child, you can have a productive discussion with her teacher(s) to better understand her perspective and share your own.  Try to begin your conversation from a place of mutual trust. 

During the Conference

Approach the teacher(s) knowing that she is a central part of your child’s learning team.  Make sure your tone remains upbeat and not threatening throughout the conference.  You may discover that you don’t agree with the assessment tool or strategy being used, but it is important that you trust the intent of the school staff working with your child. 

Understanding report cards

As a first step to interpreting your child's report card, ask questions like:

• What kinds of assessment tools did you use?  Are they primarily quantitative (tests) or qualitative measures such as anecdotal notes and observations, evaluation of student-selected projects, writing samples, or class discussions?

• When does my child maintain her effort in class?  How do you encourage and reinforce this?

• When is my child focused?  What kinds of activities engage her?

The answers to these questions will give you an idea of how your child's teacher perceives her and evaluates her skills.  This is an opportunity to identify the common ground you and the teacher share and clear up any misconceptions about your child or one another.

By identifying what you know your student does well, and what works well in the classroom setting, you and her teacher can together expand that common ground to build on your child's strengths while tackling challenging areas. 

You may even want to take this a step further and describe what you think is the ideal school experience for your child – one that is aligned with your experience with her and what you've learned from parenting her.  Plan with the teacher how together you can co-construct this ideal environment for your child – what can each of you do to make it a reality?  This will involve developing an active at-home plan to support your child in her classroom work.

After the conference

Come away from the conference with new information and commitments:

Remember the strengths and interests your child’s teacher pointed out and build on them.  You can use these interests as a path to motivate success for your child.

Keep the lines of communication open between you and your child’s teacher.  If your child is struggling, ask the teacher to inform you right away so you can all work together to address the difficulty before it gets out of hand.

Record in writing the strategies the teacher will try and what you, as parents, commit to.  Be clear on the identified outcome you all want.

If, after true effort, these strategies and classroom changes don't work, consider requesting that your child be tested (either by the school or privately).  She may qualify for a 504 plan (provides adaptations for your child in the regular classroom) or an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan).

Helping your child find school success can be very challenging.  And a -parent-school partnership can go a long way.  Good luck!

We’d love to hear from you!  Send the suggestions, ideas, and strategies that have worked for you during parent/teacher conferences to mary@awildride.net.

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Sleep Strategies: Helping your children get the rest they need

Sleep.  We all need it.  If we don’t get enough, our minds fill with fog, our mood deteriorates and we succumb to a crippling case of battle fatigue. 

Any parent who has experienced sleep deprivation, and seen its negative effects on our children, knows that adequate, sound sleep is a key to better behavior.  Parents will do anything to get their children to sleep.  Who hasn’t driven their baby around town at all hours, praying that their screaming, overtired infant will fall asleep and the alarm bells will stop going off in their head.  Or impatiently re-read The Little Mermaid, hoping the repetition will lull her into sleep.  You know your brain has shut down.  Why hasn’t hers?!

Let’s look at some practical strategies to help you get the sleep you and your family need. 

First Line Practical Suggestions

• If you haven’t already, establish regular going-to-sleep and waking-up times to help your child (and you) develop a regular sleep cycle.  Stick to it, even during vacations and holidays if possible.  It is much easier on everyone to stay with a routine.  Get plenty of exercise, but not during the three hours directly before bedtime.
   
• Establish a pleasant and relaxing bedtime ritual/routine – warm bath, reading books, etc.  Allow enough time so you don’t feel rushed and you can enjoy being with your child.  Often, children are more open to talking about their day right before bed.  Cherish this opportunity for sharing and feeling close.
   
• Be consistent.  Your child will know that it's time to change into his pajamas, brush his teeth, read a book, and go to bed.
   
• Establish a special reading time with your child. Let her know when the time is almost up ("I have one more page to read, so get those sleepy eyes ready for lights out") so she’ll know exactly what is going to happen.
   
• Help your child relax his body before bed.  Bring him (and you) into a state of tranquility to help ease the transition to sleep. Massage his back if he likes to be touched.
   
• Remove the TV from your child's bedroom.  Even if you encounter protests.  Depending on the content, television can activate the brain rather than have a calming effect.
   
• Use white noise in the background: a fan, favorite musical recording, white noise machine – ocean waves, wind, etc.

Look more closely

For this discussion, let's define sleep problems as those patterns that cause you and/or your child problems.  If your child is having such problems, you may want to explore setting up new schedules, routines, and ways of handling these issues.  There are many resources to help you identify and work with the problem.  Families are complex and solutions differ considerably from one to the other.  If you are at the “end of your rope,” talk to your health care provider and get some help!  Here are a few sleep strategies to get you started.

• Look at whether your child is getting enough sleep or needs more.  These are the average sleep needs for each age group:
   

• Become aware of the things during the day that may be disrupting your child’s internal sleep/wake rhythms:

 
• Coke or other caffeinated drinks at lunch, during the afternoon or evening.
• Waiting up for a parent so she can spend time with them.
• Physically active play or rough housing before bed.
• Taking a late nap or skipping it entirely.
• Watching TV or playing on the computer right before bed.
• Irregular meal and snack times.
   
• Check out what may be stimulating your sensitive child to stay awake:

o       Touch of blankets.

o       Room temperature.

o       Environmental noise.

o       Irritating pajama material or neck tags.

o       Visual clutter.

• Another child may need tactile stimulation to help her sleep:

o       The feel of cool air from a fan across her face.

o       Heavy pressure of thick blankets.

o       Body pillows to cuddle with.

o       Large stuffed animals.

o       Blankets tucked in tight.

• De-condition your child’s brain from thinking that bed is used for fun/stimulating activities.  Make his bed a cozy place for sleeping.
   
• Set limits if your toddler keeps getting out of bed, or wants a glass of water or another kiss, over and over.
   
• Make sure you have, and keep to, a consistent routine for your child.  Check out the chapter on “setting limits at night,” in Richard Ferber’s book; Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems.

If your child exhibits any of the following, she may need an evaluation by a children's sleep specialist:

• Does not  respond to consistently applied sleep strategies.
• Snores.
• Is frequently aroused from sleep.
• Thrashes and kicks during sleep.

For much more in-depth information on sleep, check out the University of Michigan’s Health System website.  It has loads of helpful information.  Also take a look at our Resources page.

I wish you all sleep-filled nights and pleasant dreams! ~ Mary

We’d love to hear from you!  Send your tried and true sleep strategies to help other parents get their well-deserved sleep to mary@awildride.net.  Thanks.

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FRIENDSHIP STRATEGIES

If your child has behavioral, emotional or social challenges, she may have trouble making and keeping friends. These challenges often range from misreading social cues, mishearing a communication, interrupting, answering out of turn, abruptly changing the subject, misreading a person's tone, or intruding into another child's space.

Getting along with others is a life-long skill that affects one's self esteem, school experiences and work performance.  Let’s explore some strategies that you can use as parents to help your child(ren) work on making and keeping friends.

Preschoolers

Children start learning how to interact with others before they even begin school. It may be difficult for young spirited children – easily excited and easily overwhelmed – to really know how to be a friend.  They may be intrusive, bestowing unwanted hugs and kisses upon the other kids, try to be the boss, or just sit and watch their playmate. Here are a few tips to help them get along: 

• Make sure your child's play dates are short, about 1-1 1/2 hours.
   
• As much as possible, actively supervise – involve yourself in your own activity while staying in the same room.  Encourage cooperation between playmates.
   
• Listen in with a baby monitor so you can short circuit any conflicts that could quickly turn sour.

Other sage advice for parents of preschoolers

 Dr. Linda S. Budd, in her parenting book called, Living with the Active Alert Child, share's some useful strategies: 

• To teach your child about her own and other’s personal space, teach her the concept of the protective body bubble:  “I ask children to picture people inside bubbles.  I ask them what happens when you touch a bubble.  It breaks!  Then I explain that a person whose bubble breaks feels uncomfortable and often angry with the person who broke it.  The person who is now without a bubble feels unsafe and may push others away so that he can create another [body bubble].  By using the bubble analogy, I help children learn to recognize when they are intruding.”
   
• Teach your child about “monkey energy” so she understands, “that she is in charge of her energy and can make choices about what to do with it.  Teach your child to stop and think about different ways to use her energy and explain to her the consequences of intruding.”

Managing conflict between young children  

• If your child and a playmate are angry and upset, have them cool off before talking it through.
   
• You may need to sit with the child who is most upset.  Let her self soothe (calm herself down) and know that you are there for her.
   
• You’ll know when the children are ready to talk about the situation when you observe more relaxed body posture and quieter voices.
   
• Kneel at eye level with your arm around each child. Try very hard to eliminate blame from the process by helping them understand and resolve their conflict.
   
• Coach the children to speak in turn with each other.
   
• Tell them what you saw happen between them. Ask if that is what happened, reminding them that they need to use their words.  Encourage phrases like “When I saw you …. “When you did that I …."
   
• Ask or guess what each child is feeling in relation to the action that caused the conflict. Then check it out, “Did you feel…. Sad?.., mad?.... frustrated?.... or……?”
   
• Check out their needs. They may not be able to tell you, so a little coaching helps,   “Are you needing……?”  "Do you want …?."
   
• Help them come to closure by stating a request of one another.  “When I am … I would like you to ….”

School-age children

Some children don't seem to have trouble meeting new friends, but keeping them is a significant problem.  They are unable to take turns or handle conflict and always want to be in the driver’s seat. Some ways you might help them: 

• Talk with your child about these issues in a nonjudgmental way, without casting shame or guilt.
   
• Share with them your own stories of friendship challenges when you were growing up.
   
• Show empathy and understanding when she shares her difficulties with you. 
   
• Discuss how her behavior affects other kids and her friendships with them.
   
• Help her identify goals to work on, one at a time, such as learning how to:
   
  • Make friends
  • Keep friends
  • Join ongoing activities
  • Give compliments
  • Have more fun with other kids and parents
  • Manage her anger
     

• Once your child has an identified goal, discuss and help her work on this list of friendship building skills:

• Listening and responding
• Showing interest in others
• Greeting others
• Understanding her own and other kids' body language and tone of voice
• Being aware of and respecting personal space
• Refraining from inappropriate touching
• Sharing and cooperating
• Ignoring teasing

• Pretend you are another child and role play conversations with your child. Help them with greetings and looking for cues for common ground, like favorite books, sports, dancing lessons, hiking.  Show them how these common interests can spark conversations.
   
• Role play positive social skills such as, not interrupting, asking questions, and showing interest by mentioning things that they have talked about before, and making eye contact.

During this learning phase (which can indeed feel endless), remind your child of positive friendships she has had in the past and has now. Help her understand what makes those friendships so nice for all the children involved. Reinforce her contribution to making them work. 

Learning how to be a good friend and positively and collaboratively interact with others is a lifelong process.  The more positive reinforcement you can give your child now, the better! ~Mary

Send your friendship stories and strategies to mary@awildride.net. Our readers love hearing from one another. 

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BACK TO SCHOOL STRATEGIES

It's almost that time again.  The beginning of the school year! And the anticipation (and sometimes fear) of new beginnings.  Returning to school after a busy summer can be difficult for any child. 

For many challenging children, the return to school means schedules and routines are changing again.  They must adjust to waking up earlier, confronting the stress of homework, and getting to know new teachers (and sometimes new classmates).  Anticipating this change may feel daunting and overwhelming, as well as exciting and joyful, as kids anticipate reuniting with old friends and after-school activities. 

Regardless of your children’s feelings about returning to school, it is prudent to help them adjust to new schedules as early as possible.

Here are some tips to help guide them toward a successful school year.

Starting school or going to a new school

Finding the right school for your child may seem like a lot of work up front, but will pay off tremendously throughout the year.

In Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka shares the following ideas to help you explore finding the “right fit” for your young child:

If you have school choices, attend classrooms and observe a child who has a similar temperament and learning style as your own child.  (This is best done in the spring, but anytime you are looking at a new school in session will do.)

• Observe how this child uses the materials.  How she responds to the instructions and rules.  Does she seem to fit in?  Is she happy and excited to learn?
   
• Listen to what she says to the teacher and how the teacher responds.  Do they appear to be comfortable with one another or are they afraid of each other?
   
• Do the other kids seem to appreciate one another?  Do you think it seems possible for each child to be successful?  Is each individual treasured by the adults around them?

Transitioning out of summer mode into school mode

• If your child has difficulty with transitions or is slow to adapt to change, begin an earlier bedtime and wake-up routine a few weeks before school starts.  At least one week before, have your child go to bed and get up at the actual time school will be starting.  This will help her begin – and get used to – a predictable routine before that first day of school.  This should also help her nervous system adapt to the new schedule.|
   
• If your child is younger and new to riding the school bus here are a few strategies you can try.
   
  • Call your school district and arrange a bus tour before school begins.
     
  • Arrange to have an older child in the neighborhood be her bus buddy.
     
  • Form a small car pool if buses are too over-stimulating or overwhelming for her.  A stressful start to the school day can mean a difficult time until that last bell rings.
     

• Limit your child's TV watching so it doesn't compete with homework.
   
• Shop for new school clothes and school supplies early to beat the crowds, minimize chaos, and alleviate sensory overload.  Make this a fun adventure.  If you child HATES to shop for clothes, plan ahead and couple the "dreaded" chore with a fun activity for when you are finished. Or, shop for your child.
   

• Designate or design a study/homework area.  Have your child take ownership of this and pick out supplies that she likes.  Help her organize her desk with things she will need (pencil sharpener, pencils, eraser, pens, paper, calendar–organizer, scissors, tape, etc.)  Have your child keep this area organized and have her use it only for homework.  For more information on homework and study skills go to Helping Your Child with Organization and Study Skills on the LD Online site. 
   
• If your child is in counseling – think ahead and schedule appointments outside of school hours, if possible.  This makes it less intrusive on her day and alleviates any "make up" work.
   

• Make the rest of the summer memorable and fun so your child starts school refreshed with memories she can draw on during the school year.

Plan for success

If your child had a stormy year last school year and did not get the support she needed, give her a leg up this year by setting the stage for success.

• Talk with the principle.  Meet with the assumption that schools and principles want to work with you and find the right student/teacher fit for your child.
   

• Meet with your child’s teachers as early into the school year as you can, even the end of summer is not too early.
   
• Offer guidance to your child’s teacher(s) regarding your child’s temperament, strengths, and weaknesses and other information that would be helpful.  Give tips on what has worked in previous classrooms.
   
• Set up a system of communication with the teacher(s) regarding homework, projects, behavior, etc.  Have her alert you of any early sign that your child is having difficulty.  Work together as a team.
   

• If there are indications that your child continues to have difficulty, begin to explore what the key to success is by understanding your child’s learning needs.
   
  • Check out Mel Levine’s book, A Mind at a Time, to help you understand your child’s learning patterns.
     
  • Read Brock and Fernette Eide’s book, The Mislabeled Child, to help demystify behavior that relating to learning issues.
     
  • Less academic, but equally as informative, is Cynthia Ulrich Tobias’s book Every Child Can Succeed. This book will help you learn how your child receives, processes, and responds to information, helping you to make home and school more pleasant and productive places.

What if my child has learning needs not met in a regular classroom?