for July 2008
Frequently Asked
Questions (FAQs) It’s
summer. What will I do all day long with my challenging child?Will understanding my child's "label" help me be a better parent? I'm nervous about the uncertainty of summer. Is it too early to start making plans? I don't agree with my child's IEP. What do I do? I'm a single parent. What is the most important thing I can do for my child?
I never expected parenting to be this hard. How can I stop feeling
resentment every time I deal with my child? My teen refuses to go to bed early. Says he's not tired. What do I do?
My child
is attending a new school this fall. He’s already losing sleep and
worrying himself sick. What can I do to help him feel less anxious
about this big change?
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| Q: |
It’s summer. What will I do all day long with my challenging child? |
| A: |
Planning ahead and feeling prepared is one way to deal with the fear of uncertainty. Everyone will feel better knowing what’s to come. You’ll probably have a better chance of success if you consider your child’s strengths, interests, and behavioral limitations. Then develop your summer plans around that. Build in flexibility as much as you can, so on your child’s “off” days you’ll be able to change direction without too much stress. For some ideas on dealing with your child, visit Strategies. |
| Q: |
Will understanding my child's "label" help me be a better parent?
|
| A: |
A label can serve to give you more information and understanding therefore help you to address your child’s needs more effectively. For example, a label of ADHD can offer some explanation of why “my child has such difficulty focusing and is failing in school.”
If you understand your child’s challenges, you can empathize with his difficulties rather than thinking he is acting out on purpose. You can then ask yourself, “What behaviors can I impact?” Do some investigative work in understanding your child’s behavior. What is motivating his behavior? Look at life through his eyes. |
| Q: | |
| A: |
Anytime you are addressing problems it is helpful if your attitude and approach reflects the belief that every family member has the desire to contribute to the families successful functioning. Stay in an attitude of curiosity, give encouragement, allow expression of feelings and concerns, and even plan family fun. You don’t always have to meet when there is a problem. Family meetings can happen over a board game, at the dinner table, at the park. It really is about bringing the family together for discussions, sharing, griping and planning. There are plenty of models of family meetings, how to begin and execute these. Basically you want to make it a pleasant experience and allow everyone an opportunity to talk. Just being together can count as a family meeting. Read How to Hold a Family Meeting in Strategies. |
| Q: | |
| A: |
Usually when parents disagree with the school regarding their child's Individual Education Plan (IEP) it is because a service has been denied or changed. This can be very stressful and emotional for parents, and it’s vital to take good care of yourself and seek support and resources. Here are a few ideas to help you resolve the IEP situation:
Best of luck ~ Mary |
| Q: | I'm a single parent. What is the most important thing I can do for my child? |
| A: |
This is a great question. Single parents, in general, can easily slip in to feeling guilty that they are not doing or giving enough to their child. After all, the myth goes, how could I possibly give my child everything she needs if there is only one of me? The truth is, you can't. But that's ok. It is an easy emotional slippery slope to slide down if you expect more out of yourself than you can possibly give. It is important to be understanding, kind and compassionate with yourself. Understand what your needs are and those of your child. Be honest, and communicate openly with your child. Spend quality time together and enjoy each other. Have fun, nurture your relationship. This is the best thing you can do for your child. Give your child the gift of sharing your love and time. When your child is grown, these are the moments that will be cherished and remembered. |
| Q: | I never expected parenting to be this hard. How can I stop feeling resentment every time I deal with my child? |
| A: |
This is an important question to address. Children that are demanding and have high needs may raise many confusing emotions for parents. Acknowledging and dealing with your feelings, like resentment, is a huge step forward in taking care of yourself. My guess is that you are spending an inordinate amount of time and energy addressing your child’s emotions and needs without addressing your own. Parenting a child with special needs is exhausting. If you do not take care of yourself you will not have the resiliency and energy it takes to parent well. If you let resentment grow it can lead to anger and undermine the loving, encouraging, and respectful relationship you want with your child. Find ways to reduce your own stress by finding support for yourself; other parents you can talk to, or support groups. If you cannot address the anger on your own, find a counselor who can help. Know when you need a break from your child and seek it out. Make sure you practice deep breathing, pause and step back from intense situations so you can gain perspective before reacting. Make sure you do something daily that you enjoy, even if it is only for 5 minutes. Consider re-kindling the lightheartedness and playfulness you’ve had with your child in the past. Find time to have fun with her. Do things together that you both enjoy. ~ Mary |
| Q: | My child gets visibly upset whenever I receive a present. He's not a selfish child so why the drama? |
| A: |
Is your child temperamentally sensitive or a slow-to-transition child? If so he may hate surprises, even good ones. Your child may be reacting to a situation that is just plain difficult for him. Good for you for recognizing that he is not being selfish. Now you can help him understand and deal with his reaction. Talk with him about what may be in the box before you open it. Ask him questions and engage him. Make it a game. Play “what-if.” Make silly suggestions and defuse the intensity. Give him time to prepare himself and work through his feelings. Finally when he is calm and relaxed talk with him about his feelings and response. Praise him for the smallest effort. Over time, small efforts will grow into bigger successes.
Good luck! ~Mary |
| Q: | My child is paralyzed each night when it's time to do homework. Four math problems can take hours. How can I help my child overcome this homework anxiety? |
| A: |
My first question for you would be to consider if the expectations are unrealistic or inappropriate for this child. Is there an underlying learning disorder? I would definitely talk to the teacher and let her know what is going on. She can offer some perspective based on her observations of your child in class.
Secondly I would explore if there is stress at home or school? Has there been a change in household, or is he being teased at school. You may talk with the school counselor to see if she has any input.
You may also want to help her break down each math problem into small steps. Give her plenty of acknowledgements when she completes a step. Eventually she’ll gain more confidence and you can move from the table. If she gets frustrated or distracted, have her take a short break and jump in place (get some exercise).
Best of luck. ~Mary |
| Q: | My teen refuses to go to bed early. Says he's not tired. What do I do? |
| A: |
I can see that as a mom you understand the value of sleep: better mood, more resilient, etc. I'm guessing that you also understand how obsessed teens are with establishing autonomy. I think sometimes as parents we are so use to parenting young children it is hard for us to down shift and begin to let them discover the consequences of their actions/behaviors for themselves. Your approach to him will be more successful if you keep an open mind and nonjudgmental attitude as you explore this issue. Before you talk to him, try to see this "problem" from his point of view. Does he think there is a problem? If he does not and you want to keep your relationship in tact, you may need to wait and carefully and indirectly help him to realize the relationship between his lack of sleep and schoolwork, mood, etc. You may begin by simply and off-handedly talking about the problems (yawn) you have with lack of sleep. Depending on your teen, this may be as far as you can go without him resisting you and staying up later to prove to you that you are wrong. If he is willing to explore this issue with you, keep a sleep log and identifying how he is doing with enough or lack of sleep. This log will help both of you to be more objective about how he is doing. Make sure you give plenty of positive feedback here. DO NOT focus on just the negative behaviors or outcomes. For more suggestions, check out sleep in this month's Resources.
Good luck ~ Mary |
| Q: | I find that I am constantly apologizing to my friends for my children's behavior. How can I preserve my friendship while staying true to my ideas about parenting? |
| A: |
If I were in your situation, I would talk to my friend and tell her my feelings using “I” language. For example, I might say something like: “When I hear you say I ought to be stricter with Jesse when he yells for "no reason," I feel criticized and judged for the way I handle her. What I really need from you is some understanding about how challenging my parenting difficulties are. Would you be willing to sit with me and just listen to my concerns?” By explaining how you feel, what you need, and asking for it, you are creating an opportunity to get your needs met and to enrich your relationship with your best friend. Here are a few more tips to consider as you navigate your friendship:
If your friend cannot provide that understanding and acceptance, find other moms to talk with who can. Ideally, we'd all like to be able to talk with a best friend about anything. However, this friend may be someone you can talk to about non-parenting issues and enjoy non-parenting related activities. If your friend continues to judge you or still does not understand, ask her if she would be willing to take your child (ren) the next time you are struggling…as favor…to a friend. Once she’s walked “a mile in your shoes” she may change her tune. If not, at least you had a break. ~ Mary |
| Q: | My child is attending a new school this fall. He’s already losing sleep and worrying himself sick. What can I do to help him feel less anxious about this big change? |
| A: |
It is not unusual for any child to experience some level of stress when changing schools. But challenging children may feel particularly stressed. Recognizing your child's anxious behavior and understanding that his anxiety and fear is due to the stress of new beginnings and transitions are the first steps toward helping him lessen the intensity of his feelings. Second, know your child’s temperament and what triggers his anxiety. Then you can work with him to bring down the intensity of his feelings. As I’m sure you are well aware, this is not an overnight process. It will take time, patience, and energy on your part. Remember: Take good care of yourself while helping your child. If you are co-parenting, encourage your child's other parent to use the same techniques so reassurance stays constant. Starting a new school can be very scary
Above all, keep communication open and help him to adjust all along the way. A positive attitude just might be contagious. Good luck. ~Mary |
| Q: | We are going to a family reunion in another state. My daughter hates being in groups of people. What can I say to our family to help them understand her feelings and behavior? |
| A: |
You are very wise to
be thinking proactively. No doubt, you will be helping your daughter
anticipate what the environment will be like, what will be happening and
who she’ll be seeing. You can even share some funny or interesting
stories about Uncle Joe or Grandma. Don’t forget to openly express your
warm feelings about them when you talk. This may help her begin to
develop a connection with your family and feel safe and accepting as
well. If your extended family has not met your daughter, or seen her for some time, their expectations for how they will interact with her may be high. Aunts and uncles may want a hug or expect her to join in fun events. This may be too overwhelming and make her panic and loose control. This behavior can lead to misunderstanding and disappointment. You want above all else, for your child to feel successful. Try calling ahead of time and giving your family a heads up. Communicate your daughter’s needs to them. Let them know that she easily becomes overwhelmed and will need a number of breaks while at the reunion. Groups of people (even family) can be difficult for her to handle but one-on-one interactions are great. Let them know you are working on all these challenges with her. Be open to questions. It will be great for everyone involved if you can continue this dialogue of understanding and support. Best of luck ~Mary |
| Q: | My child refuses to go to summer camp. I really need the break but I feel guilty making him go. What should I do? |
| A: |
You mentioned that you “really need the break.” Good job,
mom, recognizing that you need some time for yourself. You deserve a
break and your child deserves new opportunities to learn and grow. Don’t
let guilt override the wonderful opportunity camp can provide both of
you. Here are few suggestions:
Do it for the both of you!! |
| Q: | How can I find time for self-care when my child doesn’t sleep, rages all day, and I am driving from one doctor appointment to the next? I’m lucky if I can brush my teeth! |
| A: | Sounds like you are in crisis mode right now and working really hard to find some answers to help your child. I’m guessing if your child is not sleeping, neither are you. And if she is raging all day, you are probably emotionally exhausted and operating out of survival. It is easy for me to say, but you need to pause for a moment and take several deep belly breathes to slow down so you can think pro-actively and clearly in order to effectively help your child. There is a very good reason why the airlines require parents to put their oxygen masks on before they help their children put on their's. Click on Strategies for May for other ideas. |
| Q: | Is it ever okay to use the television to baby-sit my child? |
| A: |
Sometimes we are just whooped – the day has been long and
hard, and dinner and the evening stretch out in front of us. That's
often the time when parents are exhausted and kids are cranky and need
something to do. And you need them to do it! There are many things that
your child can play with and do, like look at books, draw, build, play
with siblings or toys. If TV is the ONLY thing you have the resources to
supervise, choose a program that is age appropriate, i.e., created for
children your child's age. Choose something informative, non-violent and
fun. And limit screen time. It can help to tell your child beforehand
that the TV is only going to be on for one hour (or less).
Once your child settles in and before you jump into your next task, take advantage of the quiet. Lay down for five minutes and deep breath, walk around your garden, look at your favorite magazine. That little bit of time for yourself just might energize you for the rest of the evening and dealing with your child when you set the TV to "off." ~ Nina |
| Q: | What if my child already has a television in his room? Do you know the tantrum he will throw if I try to remove it now! |
| A: |
Yes. He will holler and scream, throw himself against the
floor, have a general “hissy” fit. He may be mad for a week and remind
you what a terrible parent you are: “It’s not fair! Everyone else has a
television in his room?” You can expect resistance, so bolster yourself.
Prepare as best you can to take care of yourself. This situation can
feel similar to having a baby or toddler who has difficulty going to
sleep and you choose to let her cry it out. Was this you? You sweated
bullets during this period, but eventually everyone in the house slept
better and felt rested.
Remind yourself of the BIG picture here. Read the research on having a television in the bedroom. Know that you are being an informed, responsible parent, making this choice in your son's best interest. Don’t forget to fill his bedtime routine (and other times when he’s used to watching TV) with some special toys, books, and quiet cuddle time while acknowledging that this is a hard thing to give up. Help him look forward to fun TV replacements. (See April’s strategies on Media). ~Mary |
| Q: | My child is not the only one in this household who's addicted to television. What if television is the one thing that calms ME down? |
| A: |
You may want to take a good look at your
“addiction”. Is watching TV really the only thing that calms you down?
If you are spending the lion’s share of your free time watching TV, you
may ask yourself if TV is interfering with your ability to grow, learn
new things, lead an active life, and engage in healthy relationship
building. If it is and you have a desire to make a change, you can. If
not, then you may at least, follow the guidelines for your children,
above. The first critical step is to become aware of how entrenched your
habit is. Here are some ideas of ways to kick your habit:
You can also visit Strategies and Resources for more ideas. Good luck. ~Mary |
| Q: | Is my child challenging? |
| A: | You don’t have to take a test to determine if your child fits in the
category of difficult. You know firsthand that life with challenging
children is no picnic. Their disruptive and uncontrollable behavior can
quickly force parents to fold up the blanket mid-meal, close the ice
chest and start loading the car, an exasperated “We’re done!” ringing in
the family’s ears. This tension and drama confounds and saddens the
people who raise, live with, treat, and teach these children. Over time,
parents grieve for their lost dreams of a cohesive, secure family with
untroubled, confident children. Running parallel to this range of feelings is the frustration parents experience when other people chronically misread or poorly evaluate their children’s problems. Challenging children are commonly misunderstood as they struggle with learning problems, tangled brain chemistry, and debilitating self-images. Mothers and entire families feel humiliated when their children are marginalized and never invited to parties, or even overnights at Grandma’s, because of their unwelcome behavior. Some of these children are highly sensitive and reactive, intense to the extreme—if withdrawn, barely reachable; if energetic, out of control. Often children and teens are aggressive with their peers and defiant toward authority. Some act impulsively or are highly anxious and depressed. Many of these kids require long recovery periods after being upset, because they lack emotional resilience. – Elizabeth & Nina |
| Q: | Why does my child get wound up so easily? |
| A: | These “alert” children are often over-stimulated by their inability to block out stimulation in the world around them. They typically are alert to all sensations and do not have the internal screeners that will filter out their external world. Events like birthday parties and parades or loud restaurants specially designed for children, can cause a child without this screening ability to become frantic and lose control. – Mary |
| Q: | Why are boundaries and limits so important? |
| A: | Parents can help their children succeed and create order and structure in their lives by setting appropriate boundaries—teaching children limits helps them understand the rules in their family and society. Children who learn how to act respectfully and appropriately often feel more successful. Having no limits or boundaries is like driving on a big bridge, such as the Golden Gate, that doesn’t have any side rails. I would feel incredibly unsafe and vulnerable too. – Mary |
| Q: | Why does my child seem to have no personal boundaries? |
| A: | Spirited children do not recognize other people’s boundaries because
they often do not have a sense of their own. They need to touch and feel
things—to push up against something solid—in order to find that boundary
in the physical world.
My son had a terrible time standing in line during his pre-school and early elementary years. His hands were always touching the child in front of him, or running into him with some part of his body, in order to establish the boundary that his brain could not. I taught him the concept of being in a “body bubble.” He stretched out his arms and legs wide and learned that that area was his personal space. Slowly, he began learning that everyone has their own body bubble and eventually, with much practice and reminding, began learning about and respecting personal boundaries. – Mary |
| Q: | My child wants to control our entire household! WHAT is going on? |
| A: | Children with the challenging characteristics we discuss on this site often have a high need to be in control. Being over-stimulated by their environment and unable to distinguish personal boundaries, they attempt to gain some sort of equilibrium by trying to control their world, including the people in it. – Mary |
| Q: | Why do my husband and I, who have always gotten along great, feel like hostile strangers since we began raising a child with ADHD? |
| A: | Nobody provides us with a handbook on how to balance childrearing and a satisfying adult relationship. Parents of challenging children are often just too exhausted and overwhelmed, too distracted, too angry, and too anxious to give their relationship the kind of attention it needs to stay strong. Looking for reasons, couples often blame each other as a way of making sense of their child’s puzzling and fractured life. Perhaps they disagree on care providers or medication, or even what’s wrong with their child. A mother may feel deserted and angry as her husband buries himself in work, leaving her to cope alone with pressing family demands. Stress is common and attention, good communication, and hard work can make all the difference in the world. – Nina |
| Q: | How can our marriage survive this stress? |
| A: |
There is no magic formula. But let’s consider some things that seem to
help a relationship thrive, not just last, while raising a child with
serious problems (I know the value of these from experience):
Couples who regularly find themselves upset with or alienated from one another, often find couples counseling very helpful. – Nina |
It’s summer. What will I do all day long with my challenging child?
